April 30, 2004
I feel special. Thanks to my husband I now have gmail. It’s google’s new email, and it’s cool. It’s still in beta mode and not open to the general public yet. Current auctions on ebay for gmail accounts are going for $60+. My hubby got an invitation through blogger to open his gmail account. After using it for about a week, he got two inviations to send out to other people. He graced me with one, and I’m having fun playing around with it.
This morning I was my usual graceful self. I walked straight into the big wooden arm of one of our chairs in the living room. The arm happened to hit at mid-thigh level. Boy did that hurt. It got me thinking about my regular excuse for being clumsy. I danced for about 20 years. When studying ballet, you are trained to not look down at the floor. Your chin should be up, and you should be projecting outward toward the audience. This works well when you are on a stage or in a dance studio but not so well when you’re in an apartment filled with furniture.
Sometimes it hits me how much I miss dancing. I had to quit while in college due to a lovely condition called chondromalacia patella. I still have problems with it now. Anyway, I guess the hardest part is that I really didn’t get to “choose” to quit. Ballet was such a huge part of my life. I think about less and less as the years go by, but in the beginning, I couldn’t help but dwell on it. I still miss it, but my husband tells me that I’ll always be his ballerina.
April 27, 2004
WE HAVE SPERM! The surgery went well, and the patient is sleeping thanks to our friend, Mr. Vicodin. We have a follow up appointment next Wednesday to discuss the scheduling of reconstructive surgery. We’re not sure how long we’ll have to wait for the next surgery, but I’m sure my hubby won’t even want to think about that until he has long recovered from this one. I’m just glad we might have a chance to have children without utilizing IVF.
I’m so glad to have such a wonderful husband. I know there are a lot of men out there that would not have been willing to go through what my hubby has. I really hope his recovery is quick. I’m sure this present that I got him will help him feel better once he’s conscious.
Today is my husband’s surgery, and I am up before the alarm is set to go off. I’ve been laying in bed but thought I might do something semi-productive with the time. This is not unusual for me. I have a thing about waking up early on days when something important is going on: Christmas morning, the morning of the first day of a great vacation, and oh yes, the morning of major medical procedures. I normally love to sleep in but cannot today. I’m nervous. Who wouldn’t be? My poor hubby has to have surgery on a very delicate area of his body. I hope he’s not in too much pain afterwards. I’m also nervous about what the Dr. will discover. Will our next step be reconstructive surgery or IVF?
On a more positive note, we got back from our trip to San Antonio yesterday. We weren’t too impressed with the city itself but had fun nonetheless. It rained quite a bit Sunday, but yesterday was gorgeous. We went up to the observation deck of the Tower of the Americas, and the view was awesome. It wasn’t very busy on a Monday morning, so we got to enjoy the view without pushing by other tourists. All in all, it was just nice to get away and not worry about the whole surgery thing for a couple of days.
Well, there goes the alarm. I’m off to get ready.
April 24, 2004
Well, it’s official. The whole fertility thing has completely infested my brain. I ran into my neighbor as I was returning from checking the mail. I had seen him around before but never spoken to him. I had met his wife before and learned that they are both lawyers. The first thing my neighbor asked me was about what law firm my husband worked at. I had mentioned to his wife that my husband was also a lawyer. He asked me if my husband worked at firm X, and I replied that he worked at firm Y, but that he had clerked at both firms X and Y during the summer of 2002. Except that I said “he worked at both sperms that summer.” Oh my god! I quickly corrected myself, but the damage was done. Sperms, firms, they both sound the same, right? I came back into the apartment and told my hubby what had happened. He had a good laugh at my expense.
April 23, 2004
What do you what to be when you grow up? I think I’ve pretty much always known - a mom. Sure, I think I could have done a number of things, but I know in my heart I was meant to be a mom. I want to have a family with my amazing husband. Well, as things turn out, you can’t always get what you want and certainly not when you want it. As promised in an earlier post, I’m going to talk about the whole infertility thing. A little background:
- My husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant half way through his 2nd year of law school. After 3 1/2 years of marriage and a total of 6 1/2 years together, we were finally ready to be parents.
-During my annual Drs. appt, and after 9 months of trying, we discussed whether of not I should have some fertility testing done. I decided to wait since our insurance didn’t cover it.
-Fast forward another 6 months or so of trying, many months of not so subtle hints from family about when we we’re gonna have kids, and more month after month disappointment. I went back to my Dr. during a very long cycle. My cycle is pretty regular, never longer than 30 days. I went to the Dr. on cycle day 40- no period, no positive pregnancy test. This time when I my Dr. about testing, she said it was my choice but that she thought stress could be a factor in our lack of success. She said that she saw lots of couples get pregnant after they finally left the stress-filled environment of grad school. Looking back on this, I now know how much a load of crap this was.
-After graduation and a long summer of studying for and taking the Bar, my husband started his job at a law firm in Houston. We finally had insurance that would cover infertility testing. After a couple of months fighting the HMO for our insurance cards, we both made appointments. My husband got in to see his GP pretty quickly, but I had a 3 month wait to see my OBGYN.
-My husband’s GP sent him for a semen analysis. After a couple of weeks of waiting for results, a few phone calls, we finally found out what was keeping us from getting pregnant. I remember that day so well. My husband called me from work and let me know that his test came back showing 0 sperm in the sample - that’s right zero. I remember saying to him “Is that even possible?” I had never heard of that. I spent the rest of the day and subsequent days doing some massive research on the internet (what would we do without the net?) I found that his diagnosis was Azoospermia, total of absence of sperm from the semen. We were totally blown out of the water with this one, but at least we now knew what was wrong.
-We decided our next step would be to request another test. We just needed confirmation. My husband went back for another semen analysis on New Year’s Eve day. A couple of weeks later we found out that the second test confirmed the results of the first. Our next step- get an appointment with a urologist. After some more research, I learned that one of the urologists in our plan specialized in male infertility and microsurgery. There was a 3 month wait to see him, so on to wait some more. That’s the hardest part of all of this- the waiting.
-During the wait, I went to see my OBGYN for a check up and to ask about testing. She told me that since my husband had a diagnosis, there was no need to test me and that the insurance wouldn’t pay for it anyway. What is it with all these misinformed Drs?
-We finally got to see the specialist at the beginning of March. He was great! I had done my research before going to see him, and everything he said was right on. Apparently this isn’t always the case. I’ve read online about people with the same diagnosis going to Drs. who told them they would never have biological children. This is far from the truth. Anyway, the Dr. did a physical exam, asked lots of questions, and ordered some blood tests and two more advanced semen analyses for my husband. When he asked about me, I told him about my recent appointment with my OBGYN. He let me know that what I was told was absolutely wrong and gave me the name of a Dr. who specialized in female infertility.
-We got my husbands test results back a few weeks later. The semen analyses confirmed the initial diagnosis. The blood tests came back completely normal. This is important because it means that my husband doesn’t have testicular failure. See, there are 2 types of azoospermia, obstructive and non-obstructive. As the name implies, obstructive is when there is a blockage that prevents the sperm from “getting out.” Non-obstructive is when there is something wrong, usually hormonally, that prevents sperm from being made. We always suspected my husband’s was obstructive because he had hernia repair surgery when he was 2. Apparently either Dr. error or scar tissue can lead to obstructive azoospermia.
-In the meantime I saw the Dr. who the urologist recommended. She ordered blood tests that test fertility. They’ve all come back normal, and we are thankful.
-We went back to the urologist on April 14th. He reviewed the test results and decided the next step would be a biopsy to make sure there are sperm being produced. This is an outpatient procedure performed under general anesthesia. At that time he will also do an internal ultrasound to check for a blockage. I have to admit, that during this appointment I was very nervous and pumped full of new knowledge in this area. I kept asking the Dr. ton of questions. I even brought up the ultrasound before he suggested it. I know I was probably annoying the crap out of him, but he did say that I was asking board-level questions. I think I impressed him with how much I knew about the subject. Well, since this is the most important thing in the world to me right now, I try to learn as much as I can about it. I don’t have a job in the outside world, but let me assure you, this has become a full-time job for me.
-My husband’s surgery is scheduled for this Tuesday, the 27th. I know we’re both really nervous about it, but it will give us some really important information. It will let us know whether the Dr. will be able to attempt a complicated reconstructive surgery to fix the situation or whether our next step will be IVF. We’re hoping for reconstructive surgery for a few reasons: it will most likely be covered be insurance (IVF won’t be) and if it’s successful, that will be the end of things. With IVF, we’ll have to have multiple procedures to have more than one child. Plus, unlike many people believe, IVF isn’t a sure shot. Some people aren’t successful at all with it, and many people take multiple times for it to produce a viable pregnancy. Plus, there’s the whole money thing. $15-20,000 a pop is a lot of money.
-Even though it breaks our hearts to have to go through all of this, we are fortunate to be living in a time when all this is possible. Just 10 years ago, we probably wouldn’t have been able to have biological children. Now they have a procedure used on azoospermatic men where they can aspirate sperm from the testicle or epididymus and inject individual sperm (through ICSI) into the eggs retrieved through IVF. That’s pretty amazing if you think about it. Hopefully, we won’t need to utilize this awesome technology, but it is a distinct possibility.
-This has been a very hard almost 2 1/2 years for us, especially me. Infertility is so hard emotionally. You see all these people who get pregnant without even thinking about it while you’re wanting the same thing for yourself so badly. Don’t even get me started on the people who don’t deserve to be parents that have kids. As we all know, life isn’t fair.
-On a more positive note, my marriage couldn’t be stronger. Infertility can do one of two things to a marriage: complety rip it apart or make it so much stronger. I always knew I was fortunate to have a wonderful marriage, but going through all of this has just made our relationship that much closer. I couldn’t have gone through all of this with anyone else. I know that no matter what happens in our crazy journey through the world of infertilty, I will always have the most wonderful husband in the world by my side.
April 22, 2004
We have two big walk-in closets in our apartment. A couple of our cats love to try to sneak in there any time one of the closet doors are open. Well, my husband doesn’t always check to see if there’s anyone in there when he closes the door.
My cats have a morning routine. Even though I don’t have a job to get up and go to, it is important for me to get up when my husband does. Salvador, my youngest kitty, is a huge helper in the morning. He hangs out in the bathroom while my husband takes a shower and then proceeds to help him get dressed, etc. Then he comes and helps me in the kitchen while I pack my husbands lunch (he loves lunchmeat!) Meanwhile, my cat Muffy waits on the arm of the couch for me to put her glass of water on the tv tray sitting next to it. Don’t ask me why my cats prefer to drink water out of a glass, but they do. It doesn’t matter that they have a nice big bowl of water next to their food, they just gotta have the glass. My oldest kitty, Dixie, loves two things in the morning: lapping the water from the bathtub and going out on the balcony.
I am pretty good about knowing where my kitties are in the apartment, especially after someone has gone through the door leading to the outside world. Well, this morning after my husband left for work, Dixie wasn’t sitting by the balcony door as usual. I looked in all her hiding places: under both beds, in the bathroom and kitchen cabinets, and in the bathtub - no Dixie. I finally looked in the walk-in closet. There she was. Poor thing was locked in the closet. She hadn’t been in there long, but she wasn’t too happy about it. Luckily it was all forgotten when we got to go hang out on the balcony.
April 21, 2004
Ok. I’m really excited. My hubby and I are going to San Antonio this weekend. It’s been quite a while since we got to go on vacation. My husband works way too much, so we don’t get a chance to do fun things together, even on the weekend, very often. I’m looking forward to getting away from everything, even if it is just for a couple of days.
I am a new fan of Priceline. I’ve always been hesitant to try it in the past, because I like to pick out a specific hotel and know exactly where I’ll be staying. Well, I stumbled upon a message board today that discusses how to get a good deal on Priceline. I was intrigued. After reading some tips and some messages discussing hotels in San Antonio I decided to give it a try. Well, I got a 4 star hotel in downtown S.A. for which the lowest rate on other sites (orbitz, expedia, etc.) was $159/night for $60/night. Sweet! Nothing like saving $100. I don’t think I would hav
e picked this hotel out if I had just been booking the regular way, but it looks very promising.
Speaking of new methods of purchasing over the internet, I am now purchasing shorts through ebay. I’ve bought other things through ebay before, so that in itself is not new, but buying clothes is. If you know me, you know how hard it is for me to find clothes that fit, so it would seem counterintuitive to buy shorts through ebay. Not so. I’ve found a specific cut of Gap shorts that fit pretty well. I got them at a Gap outlet over a year ago. You can’t buy these shorts at a regular Gap or even gap.com, but I’ve found them on ebay. Plus they’re cheap.
April 19, 2004
Ok. I feel a little better now. I don’t know what my hang up about my first post was all about. I guess I’m just a private person, and it’s a little wierd to just “put stuff out there.” Plus, I’m not entirely sure what this blog is going to turn out to be. It could turn out to be an infertilty journal of sorts, since that’s what my life is centered around right now (more on that later.) I’m sure I’ll also throw in other random stuff, including accounts of life with my funny furry friends. Who knows. It’s just hard to know where to start.
Well, I’ve been putting off writing my first official post, because I just wasn’t sure where to start. I figured I might as well begin by explaining the name of my blog. While my husband was in law school, I taught preschool (4&5 year olds.) One of my students was a bit behind in his language development, so he couldn’t pronounce my name correctly. Instead of Amanda, he said “Manana.” My husband has since taken to calling me “Manana Banana.”