Infertility Etiquette June 15, 2004
My relationship with my in-laws got off to a rocky start, to say the least. In the past few years, however, things have gotten better. We’ve only told a few people about the whole infertility thing, and my in-laws are among them. We’ve also told my parents, my two brothers and their wives, and my husband’s brother. We didn’t tell them until we found out that my hubby was going to have to have surgery. I don’t really regret telling them. This is a huge part of our lives right now, so they should know.
We have had a few comments that get under my skin though. Not anything too horrifying, but things that hit me the wrong way. The night we told my parents, they were babysitting their great nephews (my cousin’s children) ages 1.5 and 3. The boys were running around the house, and my dad said to me, “Are you sure you want one of those?” Uh, yeah. Do you think we would be willing to go through all this crap if we didn’t? Another time we were discussing medical reimbursement plans with my brother (who is an accountant) since the open enrollment period was approaching at my husband’s firm. We were debating whether or not to contribute since we weren’t sure whether or not we would have to do IVF within the next year. My brother said, “Well if the surgery doesn’t work, can’t you just wait a year to do IVF so you can use the medical reimbursement plan during the next plan year?” I replied that we weren’t willing to wait a day longer than we had to. I feel like all we’ve done is wait.
Back to the in-laws. Yesterday I received an email from my mother-in-law that included a link to an article about an IVF clinic in CA that gives their patients a free third cycle if the first two fail. I realize that like me, my mother-in-law likes to research things. That’s a good thing. However, I feel like she should be doing it to inform herself not to pass along things to me. When we first decided to tell our families, I found some infertility etiquette articles on the internet. I decided not to pass them out to our families, but now I kinda wish I had. Here are a couple of excerpts from an article at resolve.org concerning the dos and don’ts of support:
Don’t give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.
Don’t assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple’s problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.
Those are the ones I was reminded of when I received the email from my mother-in-law. I know she intends well, as do the other members of our families. They just don’t know how sensitive I can be, I guess. Now the question becomes, do I say anything or just ignore it? I’ve decided for now just to not reply to the email. I don’t like doing that generally, but I don’t want to encourage her to send me other similar emails. Maybe I’m being too sensitive, but who’s to say? I don’t think that others who have not experienced infertility have a right to judge.
- Posted in : various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
People are not meaning to be insensitive. One has to ask oneself, if family and friends said nothing in an effort not to offend would that also be a cause for feeling hurt. Sometimes friends and family have my sympathy. In saner moments I realise that our hurt can subconsciously set them up to do the wrong thing whatever they do . Really I am just hurt that they cannot help me to the extent they and I wish they could or understand what I am going through. They cannot give me my dreams and I cannot hold that against them. I have found that I by an act of the will, I have to overcome whatever I am ‘feeling’ and be grateful for every last little thing they are able to do for me to help. They may not have known infertility but they have known a great deal of other grief in their lives in other ways.
Don’t go down the path of another I know who got herself so upset with friends she ‘told them off’ and cut them off, and then it was her in-laws turn. She allowed her stress to turn her poor husband against his family and now has not spoken to them for a year and they are not even allowed to see their grandchild. That is horrendously unfair considering the support those parents gave to them. So beware your sensitivity, it is hard I know.