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Tough Day June 29, 2004

I’ve had a rough day today. I finally just broke down and cried. I hadn’t really allowed myself to mourn the fact that my hubby and I will never have children “the old fashioned way.” Up until his surgery, there was always still that possibility. I cried a little on the day of the surgery, but I really hadn’t had a good cry. Well, all of that pent up sadness had to come out sooner or later, and the fact that I am totally PMSing just helped things along.

I guess my frustrations don’t really stem from the fact that the whole sex to procreate thing is out of the question. It’s just that we have to jump through so many hoops. The waiting for the appointments, the never ending tests, the referrals, the requests for medical records, it’s just all such a pain in the ass. Not to mention the fact that we’re going to have to fork out $13-15K when we still have multiple tens of thousands of student loans to pay off (think 2 undergrad degrees and a very expensive private law school degree).

Plus there’s the looming question, “What if we go through all of that to do IVF and it doesn’t work?” It’s a distinct possibility. Everyone wants it to work on the first try, but the reality is that it doesn’t for the majority of people. I think it’s important to have backup plans. Last night my husband and I discussed our backup plans in case IVF #1 fails. Up until a little over a week ago, IVF was our backup plan. Now it’s THE plan. We’ve decided that if our first cycle fails, we will do a FET if we are lucky enough to have any embryos frozen. If not, we will decide whether or not to do another fresh cycle based on the results of cycle #1. Who knows, maybe the sperm that they retrieved during the surgery will be duds. Maybe I’ll have egg issues. There’s just know way to know until we try.

If we decide not to continue with IVF (after however many cycles) we will move on to adoption. I do not view adoption as a “last ditch effort.” I think adoption is wonderful. I don’t even have a problem with the whole lack of biological connection thing. I really don’t. I’m actually kind of scared for my offspring to inherit some of my genetics. I just feel that I need to try IVF first. Adoption will still be an option for us in 5, or even 10 years (not that I plan on waiting that long). My eggs will not be in as great shape in even 1 year. Age is on my side right now, and I’ll take any advantage I can get, no matter how small that may be.

So, I guess it helps some to plan ahead (as much as possible). Some days are just harder than others to look towards those plans in a positive light.

Comments»

1. Sam - July 1, 2004

Ms. Amanda, I hope you are feeling better, just know that I, like you, am getting comfort in this hell from all you wonderful ladies who blog. I will be adding you to my fav’s, and so I will be poking my head in your blog, and I truly am wishing you the best of luck.

2. amanda - July 1, 2004

Thank you so much, Sam.