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The Blame Game August 7, 2004

I’ve noticed a trend in the infertility blogworld this week. A lot of wonderful ladies are pondering whether or not their negative thinking could have contributed to their infertility. This is what I have to say to that: NO. You did not cause your infertility. This drives me crazy. Don’t ask me why any of us have to go through this. I have no clue. I do know that we didn’t cause our bodies (or our husband’s) to do this. Please, stop blaming yourselves, ladies.

It is my belief that negative thinking or stress or whatever does not cause infertility, nor does it decrease our odds of success when it comes to ART. I know it’s easy to find a study to support anything, but here’s one that examines the effect of stress on pregnancy outcomes in women undergoing ART procedures. Here’s the conclusion of the study:

Biochemical markers of stress failed to support a deleterious effect of stress on pregnancy outcome in women who underwent ART procedures. Subjective measurement of stress levels did not differ between women who became pregnant and those who did not.

Yes, the study only had a sample size of 42, but I don’t care. It illustrates my point.

The reason I’m devoting a post to this topic is that it breaks my heart to see these wonderful women blaming themselves. IT’S SO NOT YOUR FAULT! You didn’t cause this, God didn’t cause this, it just happened, and we just have to find a way to deal with it the best way that we can.

Comments»

1. Dawn - August 7, 2004

Bravo, Amanda!

2. Katie - August 9, 2004

You know, I wonder a lot of times if I brought on my own infertility, too. I guess it’s easier for women with diagnosed causes to not do this, but for those of us that have unexplained IF, we just can’t help but wonder if somehow, we are causing our own IF. I just wish there was some rhyme or reason to all this. It would make everything so much easier to deal with.

3. amanda - August 9, 2004

Katie, I could see where being unexplained would be a lot tougher in that respect. My point, though, is that no matter the cause of our infertility, it’s not our fault, and the only thing that blaming ourselves does is make us feel worse about the whole situation. It’s hard enough to deal with without adding that on top of everything else.

I know my situation is different because we are dealing only with MF (as far as we know) so I don’t have to deal with the guilt that many other people do, but, nonetheless, it breaks my heart to see people blaming themselves. If my husband’s infertility wasn’t caused by a doctor and it was just part of who he was, I wouldn’t blame him, and I know he wouldn’t blame me if something was going on with me. I just don’t think it helps anyone to place blame.

So, please don’t let yourself feel like you caused your infertility. I wish someone could give you guys the answers you’re searching for,
but even if you never find them, don’t blame yourself.

4. Katie - August 9, 2004

Thanks, Amanda. I’ll work on that. Having virtual friends like you should make it a lot easier!

Hope you’re having a good Monday.

5. Anonymous - August 10, 2004

I’ve always been the self-flagellating type.

Thanks for your support, though. I’m doing my best to stop the blamegame.

Karen/Naked Ovary

6. Pazel - August 10, 2004

Our attitude has nothing to do with outcome. On the 3rd IUI, when we conceived our daughter, we were told that due to our severe male factor there was no way it would work and we needed to move on to IVF/ICSI. I cried for the two weeks following with absolutely no hope, and it worked anyways.

This time, after the news on the poor quality of our embryos, I had given up hope and was searching out any sort of treatment that could help us in the future. I did not believe this cycle had a chance. It must have.

Frankly, I don’t think that the egg and sperm or embryo are looking up to see the looks on our faces or hear what we are saying. I think they will do what they do or they won’t. Saying it’s based on our attitudes is a way of blaming ourselves, or letting others blame us when they say that we must remain positive. I say we must remain true to our feelings, feel what we’re feeling, and don’t accept blame for something we can’t control. We are only going through something extremely stressful with low chances of success, how can we possibly keep a sunny outlook considering?

7. amanda - August 10, 2004

Oh, Karen, you self-flagellating sweetheart. You should stop playing the blame game. I realize it’s easier said than done, though.

Pazel- Exactly!