I Haven’t Caved…Yet September 30, 2004
I’m not feeling so positive about things today. I’ve really been trying to hang in there during this agonizing wait, but today it’s getting to me. The past few days I’ve been thinking, “Hell, this might have worked.” Well, not today.
I’m bloated and crampy today. I’ve been cramping on and off since a few days after my transfer, but this feels different. I know, I know. Progesterone can cause bloating and cramping along with all the lovely “symptoms” I’m experiencing like exhaustion, sore boobs, and the never ending appetite. Why does this progesterone crap have to fuck with my head so much?
I spoke to my husband this afternoon, and he told me to “stay positive.” I replied that what’s done is done, and it doesn’t matter if I’m positive now or not. I can’t help that I feel like crap.
So, I’ll be caving sometime soon. I haven’t quite decided when, but it will definitely be before the weekend is over. I just have to know. I need to know whether to be happy or sad. I feel bipolar right now, and I really need to know which emotion to go with.
Hide the HPTs September 29, 2004
I’m going crazy waiting for my beta. I go back and forth between having to know if this worked to being too nervous to find out. The thing is that I have two home pregnancy tests in the bathroom that are calling my name. I think I might have to have my husband hide them from me. I’ve vowed not to take one until the weekend, but it’s so hard. Sunday night I had a dream that I took one, and it was positive. That makes me want to give in even more. I’m not going to, though. I figure if I wait until Saturday or Sunday I won’t have to second guess the results. That way I’ll be 16 or 17 days past retrieval. Plus I want to be able to spend time with my husband after I find out. I don’t want him rushing out the door to go to work while I’m in bed crying or dancing around the apartment. Either way, I’m sure I’ll need him here. So, I will wait until this weekend. I will, damn it. My head may explode by then, but I’m not testing until the weekend.
Come to think of it, maybe the idea of having my husband hide the HPTs isn’t such a good plan. When he called from work this afternoon he said, “I want to know.” I think it’s getting to him now, too. Shit, we may not make it to this weekend after all.
Oh, and wanna hear another fun PIO story? I know I complain a lot about those damn injections, but it’s one of the only things keeping me distracted these days. Last night my husband hit a vein. He pulled back the syringe after injecting, and it started to fill with blood. He took it out and headed back to the kitchen to get another needle. I stood up and noticed that I was bleeding everywhere. I had blood dripping down my butt and onto my shorts. And then I got the pleasure of getting a second stick. Fun times.
The Scale September 28, 2004
Usually I watch the scale to make sure the numbers aren’t climbing, now however, I’m in unfamiliar territory. I’m doing the opposite. Today I weighed 100 pounds. What? I haven’t been this light since my dancing days. Keep in mind that I’m pretty tiny. I’m only 5′3″ and have a small frame, but even so, 100 is a little worrisome.
In a recent post I noted that the progesterone was making me ravishingly hungry. Of course my hubby pointed out in the most endearing way that I meant “ravenously” not “ravishingly.” Anyway, my point is that it’s not like I’m not eating. In fact I’ve been make a conscious effort to eat more than I usually would. Where’s it gotten me? A loss of even more weight.
I think part of it has to do with the fact that I haven’t worked out since starting stims. You would think this would make me gain weight, but I think I’m losing some muscle. This, of course, would make me weigh less. The other reason that I can think of is my “no sweets” phase. It’s been about a month since I cut out all sweets from my diet. No chocolate, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, etc. have crossed my lips in a month. I’m sure that has something to do with my current weight since sweets have always been my week point.
However, by doing a before and after on my boobs, you would think that I would have gained weight from this IVF. I’ve gained a full cup size plus some since before starting birth control pills. I’m not complaining. It’s nice to finally have boobs. My husband thinks so, too, not that he gets to enjoy them other than visually. We’re not about to do anything sex-related while trying to make a baby, now are we?
I guess I’ll just have to start eating even more. I know it’s a problem many people would kill to have, but it’s still a problem. If one or both of these embryos decide to stick around I’ll have to make sure my body will be able to handle that. On the other hand, if they don’t stick around I’m sure I’ll gain 5 pounds in the two or three days following my negative beta. You won’t be able to get between me and chocolate at that point.
Oh, and here’s a little PIO tip I learned recently. If your hip is so sore that you think your husband could have possibly hit a nerve or something, DON’T stretch it. You’ll end up “sleeping” sitting upright on the couch, because
there simply is no position in the bed that doesn’t leave you in tears.
Disappointment
My IVF coordinator called yesterday with my final cyropreservation report. At the time of transfer we had:
4- expanded grade 5 blasts
1- grade 5 blast
2- grade 4 blasts
1- grade 3 blast
4- 8-celled embryos
We transferred two of the expanded grade 5 blasts. I knew the 8-celled ones were not going to be frozen, but was told that the other six blasts would be. Well, they were only able to freeze three. The grade 4’s and the grade 3 blasts never expanded and started to degenerate.
I’m really thankful that we had three to freeze. I’m actually amazed that we had that many, and if you would have told me we were going to have three grade 5 blasts to freeze when I was in the stimming phase, I would have been flabbergasted. I’m not being ungrateful, but I already “knew” that we had six blasts leftover. Losing half is hard. My disappointment stems not from the fact that we “only” have three, but from the fact that we lost half of what I thought we had.
This also changes our backup plan. I’m all about having a plan B, C, etc. Now instead of both plan B and C being FETs, only B is. I now have to figure out a new plan C. Of course I would love to have this IVF work and not have to worry about the other plans for a while, but we all know that may not happen.
I’ve tried all along to think of the embryos as cells. They are cells, but they’re really, really special cells. I don’t think of them as my children, but as my potential children. It’s just too hard otherwise. It’s the same reason I don’t consider myself the “p” word right now, because it would make it even harder if my beta comes back negative. But, as much as I’ve tried not to, I’ve become attached to these little embryos. The ones that were transferred, as well as the frozen ones that leave me with hope for the future. It’s just impossible not to.
Ants in My Pants September 27, 2004
Well, they weren’t actually in my pants, but we did have an ant episode last night. My husband and I were getting ready for bed, and he headed toward the bedroom walk-in closet to get his comforter. Yes, we’re one of those weird couples that sleeps under different comforters. He threw his on the bed and discovered ants. Immediately that comforter was thrown onto the floor, and we tried to figure out where the darn ants were coming from. There were tons of them in the closet. I guess they came in from outside the apartment and ended up all over the closet. So, instead of settling down to get some sleep, we frantically tried to rid the closet of ants. Hopefully we got rid of most of those suckers. Of course my hubby couldn’t use his comforter, because it had been sprayed with bug killer, so he shared mine. I’m glad to report no one stole the covers last night.
I didn’t blog this weekend, because I was still mad about the whole “invasion of privacy” thing. Sometimes it just gets to me. I thought about shutting down my blog once again after my husband and I determined that there was no real way to fix the Bloglines problem that caused this whole situation. My husband convinced me not to stop blogging. He’s seen how much it has helped me. So, I blog on.
I was all excited that I was going to get to post today about the fact that the PIO injections were getting so much easier. This weekend was a nice reprieve from the soreness and pain. I was still sore, but not so much that it hindered my side sleeping. Also, for the first time, I didn’t bleed after my injection on Saturday night. Amazing. Well, after sleeping on my side last night, I can’t make my “all better” claim anymore. My right side is killing me.
I know I mentioned that I have to sleep on my side. I also have a thing about facing the outside of the bed while I sleep. I’m just a picky sleeper. Since my left side was so sore on Friday, my husband and I switched sides of the bed, so that I could sleep on my right side. This worked well until last night. I’m thinking I might have to switch sides of the beds every night, so that I never have to sleep on the side where I just got my shot. I’d still take the soreness over the suppositories any day, though.
One of our cats is an airhead. She’s a total sweetheart, but there’s not too much going on upstairs. It’s funny to watch her in comparison with one of our other cats who is too smart for his own good. At least two of my three cats sleep with me every night, but switching sides
of the bed with my husband has caused some problems for my airhead kitty. She’s just so confused. I don’t even think she slept with me Friday night. I think she’s got it figured out now, but I can’t even imagine what would happen if I switched sides every night. I don’t think she’d be able to handle that.
Ok. See what happens when I don’t blog all weekend. I can’t shut myself up. One more topic and then I’ll be done. I think.
Progesterone. Not the injections, the actually substance. Oh, it’s been giving me fits. It’s true that there are no reliable “symptoms” one way or another after doing IVF. They’re all drug induced.
Sore boobs- progesterone.
Out of bed to pee 4 times every night- progesterone.
Exhausted- progesterone.
Ravishingly hungry- progesterone.
Cramps- progesterone.
Ugh. I’ve been experiencing all of the above. I’ve been cramping on and off since Friday. I don’t know whether this is a good or bad thing, but I’ve read that it can be caused by, yes, progesterone.
I do have to say that I’m taking advantage of the infamous two week wait as much as possible. Of course I’d rather just fast forward a week, because I’m definitely past the “I don’t want to know” phase. Someone just tell me, already. I don’t consider myself the “p” word during the 2ww, but I’m definitely taking advantage of the situation. For example, I refer to the embryos every now and then. Here’s some of my recent statements:
“The embryos are hungry. I think we need to go out to eat tonight.”
“The embryos are tired. I’m going to take a nap.”
And my all time favorite: “Honey, the embryos really don’t like to watch South Park. Can you change the channel?”
I may not ever get this close to the “p” word again, so I better take advantage while I can.
So, I guess that was two more topics. Oh, well. I’ll shut up now.
Pain in the Ass September 24, 2004
Someone please remind me why I volunteered to use PIO. I still think I made the right choice, but I like to complain. I can’t imagine I would like dealing with the suppositories any better.
The injections themselves have been ok. Especially when I don’t have to give them to myself. I bleed every time, but that’s no biggy. What’s bothering me is the soreness. I haven’t gotten lumps yet, so that’s good, but my hips/ass, whatever you want to call it, are so sore.
I can deal with the soreness just fine during waking hours. What’s a little more pain/discomfort. Bring it on. It’s when bedtime comes that I have a problem. I’m a side sleeper. I absolutely cannot sleep on my stomach or back, but now it hurts to sleep on my side. Last night I got very little sleep. Between the tossing and turning, the fact that I have to get up and pee multiple times thanks to the progesterone, and the fact that my cat likes to sleep on my head these days, I was screwed. I actually ended up on the couch in the wee hours of the morning in an attempt to get at least some sleep.
I guess I did get at least a couple of decent stretches of shut eye last night, because I remember having a dream. It was a baby related dream. My husband and I were shopping for baby stuff. I don’t think I was actually pregnant or had a kid, but nonetheless we were shopping for cute baby stuff for our imaginary baby. The thing is that I haven’t had a baby related dream in a very long time. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had one since my husband was diagnosed with azoospermia. Does this mean my subconscious actually has hope that this IVF will work? I guess so. I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high when I’m conscious. I guess my heart will break if this doesn’t work whether I get my hopes up high or not, though.
My husband is finally home from his trip. Well, he’s not home now, he’s at work, but you know what I mean. He got back into town at 1:30 yesterday afternoon but had to work late, so he didn’t get home until 9:30. I was so glad to see him. The past few days have been tough. Plus, I didn’t have to give myself the PIO injection. Bonus. I think we might actually get to go out to dinner tonight. That will be so nice. I haven’t been out of the apartment since my transfer on Tuesday except to take out the trash and check the mail today. I’ve just been trying to recover and take it easy.
So, if anyone has any suggestions about how to deal with the soreness, please send them my way. I’m doing the heat thing, both the vial and my ass, but that doesn’t seem to be cutting it. I probably know the answer to the soreness problem- I’m just going to have to deal with it. Isn’t that always the answer in all of this?
PIOs, Betas, and Blogging September 23, 2004
I gave myself my PIO injection again last night. It went a little better than Monday night. I only had the “normal” amount of bleeding afterwards. I think the fact that I was still bawling away at that point over all of the stress of the past couple of days, and especially the events of last night, that the shot wasn’t anything compared to all of that. I don’t think I’ll make a habit out of giving them to myself, though. Oh, and I’ve been meaning to mention this. I know a lot of people use the PIO that is 50 mg/mL. They also make it in the 100 mg/mL vials. So, for my 50 mg dose, I only have to inject .5 mL(cc) instead of 1 mL(cc). Half the amount of oil with the same amount of progesterone seems the way to go to me. I’m still really sore, but I imagine it would be worse with twice the amount of oil in there.
My beta is scheduled for 10/4. My RE’s office schedules betas for 2 weeks after transfer even if you do a 5 day transfer. Just like the no embryo report between fertilization and transfer policy, I convinced them to bend the rules for me. I got my beta scheduled for that Monday instead of Tuesday. I didn’t think I could convince them to schedule it for the week before. The 4th is fine. Right now I’m in that I don’t want to know phase. I mean I’m too scared to hear the results either way, so I’d just rather not know. I’m sure this will change as the 4th approaches. We’ll see. Oh, and I have a couple of FRED’s stashed away in the bathroom that came free with the ovulation predictor kits that I foolishly used when I thought we could actually get pregnant from sex. I’m sure I’ll break those pregnancy tests out at some point, you know once I get past this not wanting to know phase.
After what transpired last night, I briefly toyed with the idea of shutting down my blog. I felt like my sacred space had been invaded. Before anyone gives me the lecture about my blog being out on the internet where anyone and everyone can read it, I know all of that. I’ve been aware that something like last night could have happened at anytime. I’ve always said that if someone I knew found my blog, they would just have to deal with it, because this is me. I still feel that way, but having it actually happen through me for a loop. Especially since it was my inlaws. It wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much if it had been my brothers or brother in law. I know my parents wouldn’t find it. They’re not that internet savvy. I knew all along that the people that I would least like to find it would be the ones that were most likely to do so.
At first I was panicked. Then I just decided to write that post. When my FIL commented, I felt touched. My inlaws and I have not always had the best of relationships. When I first started dating their son during the last few weeks of high school, things were not pretty. That summer was beyond ugly. At one point they threatened to call the cops if I didn’t leave their house. It was a really tough time, but my husband and I were meant to be together, and we weren’t going to let anyone stop us. Now, almost 10 years later, I look back at those times and think, “See, I told you we’d make it.” Having my FIL find my blog made me wonder if that tension would come back into my relationship with my inlaws.
After the touched feelings went by, I started to feel pissed. I mean I can totally understand how my FIL found my blog. Apparently it wasn’t that tough. It really bugged me though, that he stayed and read it for 45 minutes. I mean, it’s not like it’s hard to figure out that it’s my blog. Anyone that knows me could figure that out in less than 5 minutes. Whey stay and read on? Of course I was checking out my sitemeter after all of this occurred and noticed that my blog was pulled up from their home computer a little later on. My husband said that maybe his dad was just trying to figure out the whole link business. I hope so. I just trust that they’ll respect my privacy on this one. What else can I do?
Oh, and I know I’ve mentioned my sitemeter in both this post and the previous one. Don’t think that I sit and stalk people coming to my blog. I don’t play “Big Brother” with my blog. I mostly just like to see the google referrals. I don’t get funny ones like a lot of bloggers do, but it amazes me how my blog can be on the first page of so many different searches. I think blogs just index really well on Google. If anything, the bloggers of the blogs that I read probably think that I’m stalking them. I remember when I first started reading infertility blogs, and before I started using bloglines, I would go to all of my bookmarked blogs a million times each day. Maybe not a million, but I definitely helped out with all of their hits per day statistics.
I’m not going to stop blogging. I’m not going to censor myself. This blog and all of you wonderful women who I’ve met through blogging mean so much to me. After I read all of your heartfelt comments last night, I sat and cried. How can all of these women, whom I’ve never met, know exactly what to say? It’s amazing to me that I can receive such unconditional support from all of you. I love my family, and I know they love me, but I haven’t felt that kind of unconditional support from anyone other than my husband. You girls are beyond fabulous. I hope I’ve been half as good a friend to you guys as you have to me.
It Was Bound to Happen September 22, 2004
My father-in-law found my blog. I’m almost positive. I have sitemeters on both this blog and my family blog. When I checked my sitemeter for this blog, the domain name at my FIL’s work came up. I clicked on it and compared it to the info from sitemeter on my family blog. Same IP address and same time zone. When I looked to see what the referral was, it was from bloglines. Bloglines is a way to keep track of your blogs by monitoring the RSS feeds. It alerts you when there’s a new post on your subscribed blogs. There’s also a feature where you can click on “related blogs” to any of your subscribed blogs. My Manana Banana blog comes up first when you click on “related blogs” from my family blog’s feed. I didn’t realize that until today. That’s where the referral came from.
I guess I should have known it was inevitable. It would have to happen on a day I vented about my mother-in-law. There’s nothing I can do about it now, though. I guess that’s the price I pay for having this blog.
To anyone that knows me that reads this blog, please know that this is my safe haven. It is not only a place for me to whine and complain, but I place where I find tremendous support. The women I have met in infertility blogland are amazing and mean a ton to me. I don’t mean disrespect to any of my family members, but sometimes I need to get stuff out there. I know every single person in both my and my husband’s families mean well. I truly do. I just need this safe place to be able to get all my thoughts out and to connect to other people going through the same thing. I hope you can respect my privacy on this one. Thanks.
***************
Edited to add: I was right, as evidenced by my FIL’s comment. As soon as I read that comment, I started to cry. It really meant a lot to me. While in the middle of my crying session, my MIL called to check on me. We talked about my transfer and other various things. I know I can complain sometimes, but I’m grateful to have caring people like my inlaws in my life.
Spent
I know I need to move past what happened yesterday, but I can’t. I’m just so pissed that the torture that I experienced could have been prevented if I had just had a mock transfer. When I had my IVF consult I asked whether or not my RE’s office does mock transfers and was told that they didn’t, because there was no way to simulate the exact conditions that would be present on the day of transfer. Sure, my bladder may have been at a different level of fullness, but undoubtedly they would have been able to tell that my cervix had a 90 degree turn in it and was full of scar tissue. Ugh.
I’m not sure if I was clear in my last post, but the majority of the problems with my transfer came from the fact that my RE couldn’t get the catheter(s) past the scar tissue. Once it miraculously got past that point (after over an hour of trying), the curve didn’t seem to cause nearly as much of a problem.
My post from yesterday was also contradictory. I said that I was glad to have 6 blasts to freeze, but that I “was done.” I am extremely thankful to have some in the freezer, but I just don’t know when or if I’ll be able to go through all of that again. Throughout this process I hoped to have extra embryos to freeze, so that I wouldn’t have to go through the stimming and retrieval phases again. Now I realize that’s not what I should have been worried about. Even with a frozen transfer, they still have to transfer them. That’s where the dilemma lies. I’d probably have to have surgery to remove that scar tissue before I could attempt another transfer.
My husband keeps telling me to stay strong and that this one will work so there will be no need to worry about the other stuff for a while. I’m just so spent right now, both physically and emotionally, that I’m having trouble believing all of that.
What’s making this even harder is that I’m alone. My husband left for work this morning and won’t be home until tomorrow night. He has to go out of town for a hearing. All of this timing sucks. He was out of town following my retrieval and now will be following my transfer. I know he would be here if he could, but it’s still hard. Not only do I have to give myself my PIO injection tonight, I could really use him here for the emotional support.
Oh, and can I throw a mother-in-law vent out there, too? My husband wrote a post for our family blog about my transfer. He didn’t go into the details about my cervix, but he made it obvious that it was an extremely painful and long process for me. My MIL’s comment included the sentence, “Nothing is ever easy!!!” Give me a freaking break. Like she has a clue how hard this has been for me. I know for a fact that my husband was an oops baby, and his brother that is 13 years younger is probably one, too. Like they had any trouble in the reproductive department. Spare me.
Now, that I’ve gotten that all out, I’m going to try to cheer up a bit. At least a teeny bit. I need to let that strong, determined woman that has survived all of the crap to get to this point come back out and kick this weepy, whiney woman’s ass.
I Thought That Was Supposed to be the Easy Part September 21, 2004
I had my transfer this afternoon. I’ve read in many books and heard from people on message boards and from bloggers that the embryo transfer is a piece of cake. It’s supposed to be easy, painless, and fast. I guess my body didn’t get that memo. Mine was a nightmare.
We got to my RE’s office early, and they took us back right away. After the getting through the requisite paperwork stuff and getting into my fancy getup of gown, hat, and booties, they brought us into the transfer room. Things went from uncomfortable to down right unbearable pretty quickly. Apparently I have a 90 degree turn in my cervix. Plus, I have scar tissue right before the turn. My RE kept trying different catheters with no success. She then had to use a cervical clamp to try to straighten things out a bit. By that point I was in so much pain that I was crying. To put the pain in perspective, I had a very painful HSG, but this was at least 10 times worse than that.
My RE decided not to continue under those circumstance, so they brought me back to the recovery room and gave me a IM shot of Demerol. I then had to wait 45 minutes for the Demerol to take effect. I was a space cadet once the Demerol and Valium were both working.
They brought me back into the transfer room and tried again. It wasn’t quite as bad as the first time, but they were still trying all kinds of different catheters and using that damn cervical clamp. This continued for quite some time. Finally at one point my RE said that we might have to freeze all of our embryos and schedule me for surgery to remove the scar tissue. As soon as she said that, the words NO, NO, NO flew out of my mouth. I so didn’t want that to happen. By that point, she had been trying to get that catheter up through my cervix for over an hour. Finally, just before everyone gave up, that catheter managed to squeeze by the scar tissue and up through the curve. My 2 blasts were finally transferred. My RE said my transfer was by far the most difficult she had ever experienced.
The good news is that we have 6 more blasts that will be frozen. Our embryo report from today was as follows (grade 5 being best):
4 expanded blasts grade 5
1 blast grade 5
2 blasts grade 4
1 blast grade 3
4 8 celled embryos
The 8 celled ones have most likely stopped growing, so they won’t be cryopreserved. We transferred 2 of the grade 5 expanded blasts and froze the other 6 blastocysts. It such a relief to have some frozen in case this one doesn’t work.
I was super paranoid after the transfer. I don’t know if it was the drugs or the stress of it all. I kept worrying that the embryos didn’t really make it inside my uterus because of all of the switching of catheters. I don’t remember how many times the catheter containing the embryos was inserted, but I was so worried that they fell out at the wrong time.
So, I guess I’m officially in the two week wait, and I am so relieved. Enough of this crap. I’m done. I sure as hell hope this works. I really don’t know if I could do it all again.
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, and the Interesting
Lets start with “the good.” My husband got a call last night from the judge that he interviewed with on Monday offering him the clerkship. Out of the 8 judges that have called for interviews so far, this was definitely his first choice. It just so happens that my husband was on his way back into town from his trip to Dallas for another interview when he got the call. It’s a shame he wasted a day away from work, but he couldn’t care less. He’s just ecstatic to get this clerkship. So, it looks like as of August of next year I will be a Louisianian again. This clerkship will mean a $40-50K pay cut, but it will be worth it for my husband. I’m so happy for him and proud of him. He’s been wanting this for a long time.
“The bad” is what my husband told me when he got home last night. Apparently he’s going to have to fly out on Wednesday to get to a hearing in another part of the state that’s scheduled for Thursday morning. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but of course nothing is normal right now. That’s bad for two reasons. The first and most important is that he won’t be here Wednesday night to give me my PIO injection. Secondly, he’ll be leaving for work on Wednesday morning and not returning until late Thursday night. So, I’ll be on bedrest without anyone to help me out with things like meals, taking care of the cats and the house, etc. The timing in all of this is so off. First my husband was gone the 32 hours following my retrieval and now this.
I’m sure I’ll be able to manage fine in all areas except one- the dreaded PIO. I was so pissed off when he told me that he wouldn’t be here to give me that giant injection. I thought about what to do and came to only one conclusion- give myself the damn shot. Now I’ve given myself some of the subq injections, but that 1.5 inch monster is a different story. Wednesday night just happens to be my right side’s turn. That’s helpful, because I’m right handed. Since last night was also the right side’s turn, I figured I better practice. I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to give myself the injection for the first time if I was alone. So, last night I prepared the s
yringe and headed for the bedroom. I managed to give myself the damn thing, but it wasn’t pretty. I ended up bleeding a lot more than when my husband does them, but I did it. I guess I’ll have to do it again tomorrow night.
“The ugly” is what I looked like this morning driving back home from dropping my hubby off at work. I figured it would save him about 45 minutes away from work if I dropped him off this morning and went back to downtown before my transfer rather than having him come pick me up. He’s missed so much work, that this was the best scenario for today. When I drive in rush hour traffic I have to put on what I call “chick music.” It helps me to be able to sing along while trying not to get myself killed in the traffic. A lot of time I’ll stick the Indigo Girls in but today I chose the 10,000 Maniacs. That song Eat for Two came on, and I started bawling. Just hearing the lines “Baby blankets and baby shoes, baby slippers, baby spoons, walls of baby blue” and “I eat for two, walk for two, breathe for two now” just sent me into a tizzy.
“The interesting” concerns my husband’s interview yesterday. The judge had him fill out a questionnaire and one section had a place to list his three biggest accomplishments. For the first two he listed academic accomplishments, but for the third he wrote “overcoming medical difficulties” or something like that. The judge was a woman and had pictures of her family all over the place. When the judge asked my husband about that answer he felt comfortable enough given that she put out that family friendly vibe to discuss our infertility and IVF. When he told me that, I was surprised. He didn’t go into details with the judge or anything, but he told her that we were going through it right now and that it has been very hard both physically and emotionally for both of us. I’m so impressed with my husband. I’m sure it could have backfired on him, but it went over really well. I know that a lot of men dealing with male factor infertility have trouble dealing with that whole situation. I’m just so impressed with how my husband has handled all of this.
Finally- The Day 3 Report September 20, 2004
I got a call from my favorite nurse this morning. She said that I didn’t receive my day 3 report yesterday, because the embryologist didn’t return my IVF coordinator’s phone call. She had my report for me this morning, so all is forgiven. As of yesterday we had (grade 5 being the highest):
7- 8 celled grade 5’s
3- 8 celled grade 4’s
2- 4 celled grade 4’s
I’m so relieved that our embryos are fighters. Hopefully they’ll continue to grow, and we’ll have a couple of good quality blasts to transfer tomorrow. Heck, we may even get lucky and have a couple to freeze. That would be fantastic. I just hope at least 2 hang in there.
Last night was my third PIO injection. They suck. My husband thinks he hit a bone last night. I had a nurse mark X’s in the correct places, and that’s where he’s been doing them, but I’m still a little worried. I’m little and am concerned that there’s just not enough muscle that high up for that big 1.5 inch needle. I guess I’ll ask about it tomorrow.
I’m a little nervous about transfer tomorrow. Not about the procedure itself. I’ve heard that it’s not bad at all, plus I get to take a Valium. At least one of the drugs they have you take in all of this is fun. I digress. Anyway, I’m worried about how our embyros will do once they’re in my uterus. They’re doing so well right now, that I don’t want to be the one that kills them off. I know this is not a logical thought process. I know that the best place for them is in my uterus. I know that they’re either going to make it or not, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just feel like it’s such a huge responsibility to house those little embryos. I don’t know. Hopefully I’ll chill out some once I get a taste of that Valium.
Not a Happy Camper September 19, 2004
I was supposed to get my day 3 report today, and my IVF coordinator assured me that a message would be left for me on the message system by 5:00. It’s now 6:00 and no message. I’ve been anxiously awaiting that news all day, but it looks like I’ll have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out how our embryos are faring.
I guess I should be assured by the fact that no one actually called here. I’m assuming that if all of our embryos but a few had died out by now, then my transfer would have been today. It just makes me mad that they told me to expect a report, but no one bothered to give me one. It’s very disappointing.
The past few days have been rough. At every step of this IVF, I’ve thought, “Well, I’m sure it won’t get worse than this” or “I’m sure that I won’t feel any worse than I do now,” and every time I’ve been wrong. I’ve just been so bloated and sore from my retrieval. Add the fun of the PIO injections, and I’m pathetic. Today seems to be a little better, though, so at least that’s good.
Another thing that I’ll get to start complaining about soon is my knees. Yes, I know, I’m a champion complainer. Anyway, I have a condition called chondromalacia patella in both of my knees. In a nutshell, it’s when the cartilage behind the kneecaps degenerates. In my case, this is compliments of my 18 years of dancing (ballet). I was diagnosed in college after the pain got so bad that I couldn’t walk across campus without ending up in tears. It’s an extremely painful condition. The only things that have helped me are quitting ballet, taking glucosamine chondroitin, and keeping my leg muscles strong so that it doesn’t worsen. Unfortunately glucosamine chondroitin has not been tested to see whether it’s safe for use during pregnancy. I talked to my RE about it, and she recommended that I stop taking it before transfer if I was worried about its effects. I’m not about to risk taking it, so I took my last pill on Friday night. Any day now I should start having a lot of pain in my knees. It’s not going to be pretty, but if by some chance this IVF actually works I would not feel comfortable having it in my system. I told my husband this morning that we should order me up a wheelchair. Of course I was joking, but not by much.
Hopefully I’ll be in a much better mood tomorrow morning. I really, really hope our embryos are toughing it out.
The Phone Call September 17, 2004
My phone rang this morning and after I looked at the Caller ID, I immediately got nervous. It was my RE’s office. This was it, the very important fertilization report. It was my IVF coordinator, and the first thing she said to me was, “I have good news.” I replied with a hopeful, “ok.” She said that of the 13 eggs that they retrieved yesterday, all 13 were mature, and 12 fertilized normally with ICSI.
After we talked about a few other things, I hung up the phone and cried. Tears of relief, tears of surprise, tears of hope. This news was beyond my wildest expectations. I was so worried about the fertilization, but I guess those surgically removed sperm did the trick after all.
So, we will do a 5 day transfer on Tuesday at 1:30 pm. My RE’s office normally doesn’t give out info about how the embryos are doing between the fertilization report and the report before transfer. Yesterday I asked if I could get more info than that and was told that I could get a report on day 3, so I’ll get to find out how our embryos are doing on Sunday. It’s so weird to write and hear in my head “our embryos.” Oh my god, we have embryos. Considering the fact that my husband’s sperm has never exited his body other than through surgery, this is amazing to me. I know that this IVF may not work, but we made embryos. Wow.
I decided to stay home last night. I was in too much pain to deal with a long car ride along bumpy highways. I’m feeling a little better today. I’m still sore, but I can at least move without wincing.
Sometimes all of this just seems unreal, like it’s a dream or something (or nightmare, depending on how you look at it). I’m just going along step by step, but it’s so big. This technology is so awesome, and I’m so very thankful for it.
Tonight I get to start my PIO injections. That should be fun. I hope my hubby can handle those big needles.
Lucky 13 September 16, 2004
I survived my egg retrieval this morning. They retrieved 13 eggs. The procedure itself wasn’t bad thanks to the awesome drugs that were running through my veins, but I’m pretty sore now. Why don’t they just let you take that IV home with you? I could sure use another hit right about now. The instructions that I received afterwards say to take Tylenol for pain. Tylenol sucks. It really doesn’t cut it, but I’m tough, so it’s ok.
We got to my RE’s office a little before 8:00 this morning. They do their retrievals onsite in their own special little retrieval suite. We sat around for a while and then I was finally called back. I got to change into a lovely getup consisting of a gown, booties, and fashionable hat. I chatted with my IVF coordinator a bit, asked a few questions, and made sure that they knew that we wanted my husband’s sperm refrozen after they used it for ICSI. We only have 2 vials from the MESA procedure performed during my hubby’s surgery, and I’m not about to make my husband go through all of that again.
Then the anesthesiologist came in and started my IV. He had a little mishap with my vein, and I proceeded to bleed all over myself, the sheets, and the floor. Once all of that was cleaned up, I was led into the retrieval room. I got to lay down and put my legs up in some lovely leg stirrups. Then I got hit with the drugs. They burned a bit going in, and then I was out. The next thing I knew, I was back in the recovery room.
Of course I immediately asked how many eggs they had gotten. My IVF coordinator said 5 but that they weren’t finished going through them. She came back and said that they had retrieved 13. Much better. I laid there for a little bit and then got up, got dressed, and peed. I was then wheeled out of there and was on my way home.
I was feeling really good afterwards, so we decided to stop at Best Buy on the way home to get my present, The Sims 2. I’ve wanted this game ever since it was announced, and it just so happens that today was the release date. It should come in handy during the dreaded two week wait. My husband ran in and bought the game and then we proceeded home.
I was still feeling pretty good when we got home and then the drugs wore off. Oh, my. My husband set me up in bed with some nourishment, beverages, and the trusty laptop. He then left for work, and I took a nap.
We should find out sometime tomorrow afternoon how many of my eggs were mature and how many of those fertilized. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about that. I’m really worried about the fertilization rate, since we’re using frozen epididymal sperm. I just don’t know if it will fertilize as well as regular old fresh sperm. I guess we’ll see.
I still haven’t decided if I’m going with my husband tonight. I can either stay here tonight or I can endure a multi hour car ride so that I’m not alone. I don’t know.
Thanks to everyone who left comments or sent me emails with sweet and generous well wishes. You girls rock.
Craziness Abounds September 15, 2004
Why do things have to be so complicated? Isn’t all of this stressful enough? You would think that having my egg retrieval tomorrow morning would be enough to deal with in one day, but apparently not.
My husband got a call today from a Circuit Court judge in Lafayette, LA requesting an interview. Now, there are there are different types of judges that hire clerks. My husband applied to District Court judges and Circuit Court judges. Circuit Court clerkships are more prestigious, so naturally my husband wanted to jump at this opportunity. The thing is that this judge is going out of town on Monday, so my husband’s choices for interviews were either tomorrow or Friday. Well, tomorrow is obviously out since it’s at least a 4 hour drive to Lafayette from Houston. So, Friday it is.
His interview is scheduled for 9am on Friday. Instead of leaving at 4:30 in the morning, we decided it would be best for my husband to make the drive to where my parents live and spend the night. They live about 2.5 hours east of Houston and 1.5 hours west of Lafayette. That way he’ll have less of a drive on Friday morning.
This raises a couple of concerns in my worrisome little brain. First of all, I’m a tad worried about being left alone after my retrieval. My husband had already planned to go back to work after he got me home and settled, but now he’ll be leaving the state. I could tag along, but I don’t know if I’ll feel up to it.
The second concern is one caused by Hurricane Ivan. Lafayette is located on Interstate 10, which is the primary evacuation route for people living in New Orleans. I spoke to my mom tonight and she said that it was taking people 15 hours to make the drive from New Orleans to Lake Charles when it normally takes 3.5 hours. I’m just worried that all of these people will be making their way back home on Friday after the storm has passed. That could make my husband’s travels very slow going.
All of this clerkship business really isn’t happening at the best time, what with the whole IVF thing and now the onslaught of Hurricane Ivan. I know this is so important to my husband, though, so I’m just trying to go with the flow. Easier said than done sometimes.
Oh, and my husband is still at work and may be there for quite some time. He’s going to be so tired when we have to get up for my retrieval bright and early tomorrow morning. Oh, I hope all of this works out. It’s just so much to hope for at one time.
The Eye of the Hurricane
That’s what it feels like right now. I’ve been through so much to get to this point, but I know that there’s still so much to go through. Right now I’m just waiting. It feels weird not to do anything IVF related today. No needles to inject, no pills to pop, just the anticipation of what’s to come.
I triggered last night at 8:30. Actually it was more like 8:38, but I doubt that makes a huge difference. It’s so ironic, because all along I’ve been anal about having my injections done at the exact same time every day even though they really didn’t have to be that precise. But the one night where the timing really matters, and I get distracted with something else. I looked down at my watch last night and it was 8:35. I yelled at my husband, and we both flew into the kitchen. It was a good thing that I triggered with the Ovidrel prefilled syringes, because it only took us a few minutes to pop those suckers into my stomach. It’s funny now, but at the time I was freaking just a tad.
So, now I just sit and wait and try to ignore the fact that my ovaries are killing me. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well tomorrow. All I have to say is that there better be at least a few eggs in there.
What a Relief September 14, 2004
Guess what? I’M TRIGGERING TONIGHT! I can’t believe it. It seems like it’s taken absolutely forever to get to this point. To think that I took my first birth control pill for this IVF over 6 weeks ago, and now we’re finally at this point. Unbelievable.
My lining was at 12mm this morning, and here’s how my follicles measured:
Right: 23, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 10
Left: 20, 20, 19, 19, 16, 16, 13, 9
So, I get to trigger tonight at 8:30 for retrieval at 8:30 on Thursday morning. I really didn’t know if I was going to get to this point. After my appointment today, I stood and cried while I waited for the elevator. I cried even more when I called my husband to relay the news. I wasn’t sad. I just felt a tremendous sense of relief. I know that this IVF may not work, but I’m just so glad that I get a shot at it.
Slow Pokes September 13, 2004
I had another ultrasound and more bloodwork done this morning. My lining is now at 11mm and my E2 rose to 2826, but my follicles are a tad wonky. They’re just being pokey. Here’s how they measured after 10 nights of stims:
Right: 17, 16, 13, 12, 9, 8, 8, 4
Left: 20, 17, 14, 14, 13, 13, 11, 9
I apparently have had one more follicle pop up since Friday. I no longer seem to have one dominant follicle, but I think that 16 on the right from Friday may have slowed down the other follicles some. They didn’t grow too much over the weekend.
This sucks. Why can’t I just have a bunch of them around the same size? Oh, no. My follicles have to be all over the map. I have to continue with the Gonal-F and Lupron at the same doses tonight and go back in tomorrow morning. I sure hope some of those smaller ones have a massive growth spurt overnight. Please, please let me be ready to trigger tomorrow night.
On a completely different note, my husband has had four different judges call today offering him interviews for judicial clerkships. That’s awesome. Hopefully things will at least work out in that department. Although scheduling those interviews will be a bit tricky since they want him to come sometime soon. They’re all a good drive from here, so we’re trying to play the guessing game about when my retrieval and transfer (hopefully) will be.
What? September 12, 2004
I’m sure this will sound unbelievable coming from the person that wrote this post, but two weeks ago my husband and I decided to cut out sweets from our diet. Today marks two weeks without candy, cookies, chocolate, cupcakes, brownies, etc. Definitely an insane idea, but we felt that we needed to do it. I was doing the emotional eater thing in a big way, and I didn’t want up to end up the size of a blimp after this IVF is over.
It’s been easier than I thought. Sweets are definitely my weakness. I can’t even remember the last time I went a full day without some kind of sweet treat. We’ve tried to cut back on sweets before with zero success. I really think the only reason that it’s worked so far is because my mind has been so focused on all of this IVF stuff.
Last night was night #9 of stims, and I still haven’t gained any weight from this IVF process. In fact I’m still 2 pounds lighter than I was before starting the birth control pills. I realize this might change in the near future, but for now I’m still feeling ok (besides the aching ovaries and drug side effects, of course).
It should be interesting to see how long this lasts. Every time I go to the grocery store, my mouth waters as I pass by the cookies and candy. I can tell you one thing for sure. This no sweets phase will be out the window in a heartbeat if this IVF doesn’t work.
older posts »