Am I Infertile? September 1, 2004
I refer to myself as infertile, but am I really? I’m not technically infertile. None of my infertility testing has come back as anything other than “normal.” I guess medically speaking I’m fertile. However, my husband is not. He’s completely, 100% infertile. Having a zero sperm count will do that for you.
The thing is that I consider us a team. I mean, obviously, it takes both of us, but I think it goes beyond that. If he’s infertile, than I consider myself infertile, too. First of all, it’s not like I’m going to go out and have sex with anyone else. More than that, though, my husband and I are in this together. It’s blatantly obvious right now since I’m the one getting needles stuck into my flesh daily, but I viewed it that way even before we started IVF.
What’s ironic is what I would think when we were still trying to conceive the old fashioned way. A year had passed, then 18 months, then almost 2 years, and I would look at the websites dealing with trying to conceive and pregnancy and glance over at the infertility sections and think, “Oh, no way. That’s not us. There’s no way that we’re infertile.” It was like some dirty word that I didn’t want associated with us. I mean, come on, we were young, healthy, and had super fertile family members. Talk about denial. It was almost 2 years after we had started trying before my husband had his first semen analysis that resulted in our diagnosis. It’s amazing how one test can totally redefine how you think about yourself. Now I don’t view “infertile” as a bad word. It’s just who we are.
I don’t mean to take anything away from those women out there who are medically infertile. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with infertility, no matter the cause. I guess it’s just about how I view myself in all of this.
I wonder if husbands of women dealing with female factor infertility view themselves as infertile, too?
- Posted in : various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Oh man can I relate! I call myself “infertile” all the time, but as far as I know I am perfectly fertile. But I view it the same as you, we are a team. My husband is infertile so therefore I am inf
ertile. So often I wish it was just my problem and not his though. It’s a strange feeling to know that there is nothing wrong with you, yet you can’t conceive. Sometimes I feel like I don’t “really” fit in with the female factor infertiles, like I don’t really count, ya know?
You asked: “I wonder if husbands of women dealing with female factor infertility view themselves as infertile, too?”
I can’t speak for all husbands out there, but I can you that this was the case with mine. We were actually more of an “undefined” case but all his tests came back perfectly normal. The only thing we ever got in terms of a “what’s our problem” was a one off “You need to take these lovely Clomid pills so you ovulate regularly. I just always took that to mean it was somehow me.
Anyway, my DH said very much the same thing you did. The sad thing is in some couples it does become an issue of “fault” or “blame.” In the end though, no matter what the actual medical issue is, you’re right, there is no me or you in infertility its “us.”
Well, if you wanna get technical about it, I’d say you’re “infertile by proxy”. Dh and I always viewed our infertility as a package deal, since I was the “guilty party”, I was always grateful for that fact.
I’m in the same boat as you, as you know. And while I don’t think of “me” as infertile, exactly, I think of “us” as an infertile couple. And like you, I don’t see the word “infertile” as a bad word. A hard predicament to be in for sure, but not a bad word.
la gringa
I sometimes still don’t think of myself as infertile, even though HELLO 27 months trying (and counting). I am in some sort of weird denial, that this isn’t really happening to me. Even now that we are doing IVF, I sometimes step back and think “well this ought to work for us because this is the treatment they use for infertile people” – as though we’re not infertile ourselves. Being in the category of “unexplained infertility” can play tricks on the brain.
I also consider my hubby and I a team. If I’m infertile, then we’re infertile. If I’m depressed over some ART that failed, then we’re depressed. If I get pregnant, then we’re pregnant. We’re in it together, for the long haul.
I also think of myself as “infertile” even though it seems to be my husband’s lack of sperm (also from early hernia repair). I guess we are an “infertile couple.” Like you, I always had super fertile women in my family, which of course doesn’t necessarily mean much. It did, however make me ask my husband to get an S/A after only 7 months of trying, since he was going in for a chack up anyway. Thank God the Dr. gave him no problems about that!
oooo, this was our biggest fight EVER. I was reading this book about adoption, and it said that many partners view their infertility as a team problem, not an individual problem. Meanwhile the person with the “issue” views herself/himself as being “the problem” and, often, thinks that the partner would be better off with someone who has
normal fertility. So I turn to D and say “Do you view yourself as infertile?” thinking that this is going to be a bonding moment.
And, instead, he replies: “No.”
ooooo….I didn’t leave him, but when I finished with him he wished I had!