Manana Banana

parenthood after dealing with male factor infertility and multiple IVF cycles

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PIOs, Betas, and Blogging September 23, 2004

I gave myself my PIO injection again last night. It went a little better than Monday night. I only had the “normal” amount of bleeding afterwards. I think the fact that I was still bawling away at that point over all of the stress of the past couple of days, and especially the events of last night, that the shot wasn’t anything compared to all of that. I don’t think I’ll make a habit out of giving them to myself, though. Oh, and I’ve been meaning to mention this. I know a lot of people use the PIO that is 50 mg/mL. They also make it in the 100 mg/mL vials. So, for my 50 mg dose, I only have to inject .5 mL(cc) instead of 1 mL(cc). Half the amount of oil with the same amount of progesterone seems the way to go to me. I’m still really sore, but I imagine it would be worse with twice the amount of oil in there.

My beta is scheduled for 10/4. My RE’s office schedules betas for 2 weeks after transfer even if you do a 5 day transfer. Just like the no embryo report between fertilization and transfer policy, I convinced them to bend the rules for me. I got my beta scheduled for that Monday instead of Tuesday. I didn’t think I could convince them to schedule it for the week before. The 4th is fine. Right now I’m in that I don’t want to know phase. I mean I’m too scared to hear the results either way, so I’d just rather not know. I’m sure this will change as the 4th approaches. We’ll see. Oh, and I have a couple of FRED’s stashed away in the bathroom that came free with the ovulation predictor kits that I foolishly used when I thought we could actually get pregnant from sex. I’m sure I’ll break those pregnancy tests out at some point, you know once I get past this not wanting to know phase.

After what transpired last night, I briefly toyed with the idea of shutting down my blog. I felt like my sacred space had been invaded. Before anyone gives me the lecture about my blog being out on the internet where anyone and everyone can read it, I know all of that. I’ve been aware that something like last night could have happened at anytime. I’ve always said that if someone I knew found my blog, they would just have to deal with it, because this is me. I still feel that way, but having it actually happen through me for a loop. Especially since it was my inlaws. It wouldn’t have bothered me nearly as much if it had been my brothers or brother in law. I know my parents wouldn’t find it. They’re not that internet savvy. I knew all along that the people that I would least like to find it would be the ones that were most likely to do so.

At first I was panicked. Then I just decided to write that post. When my FIL commented, I felt touched. My inlaws and I have not always had the best of relationships. When I first started dating their son during the last few weeks of high school, things were not pretty. That summer was beyond ugly. At one point they threatened to call the cops if I didn’t leave their house. It was a really tough time, but my husband and I were meant to be together, and we weren’t going to let anyone stop us. Now, almost 10 years later, I look back at those times and think, “See, I told you we’d make it.” Having my FIL find my blog made me wonder if that tension would come back into my relationship with my inlaws.

After the touched feelings went by, I started to feel pissed. I mean I can totally understand how my FIL found my blog. Apparently it wasn’t that tough. It really bugged me though, that he stayed and read it for 45 minutes. I mean, it’s not like it’s hard to figure out that it’s my blog. Anyone that knows me could figure that out in less than 5 minutes. Whey stay and read on? Of course I was checking out my sitemeter after all of this occurred and noticed that my blog was pulled up from their home computer a little later on. My husband said that maybe his dad was just trying to figure out the whole link business. I hope so. I just trust that they’ll respect my privacy on this one. What else can I do?

Oh, and I know I’ve mentioned my sitemeter in both this post and the previous one. Don’t think that I sit and stalk people coming to my blog. I don’t play “Big Brother” with my blog. I mostly just like to see the google referrals. I don’t get funny ones like a lot of bloggers do, but it amazes me how my blog can be on the first page of so many different searches. I think blogs just index really well on Google. If anything, the bloggers of the blogs that I read probably think that I’m stalking them. I remember when I first started reading infertility blogs, and before I started using bloglines, I would go to all of my bookmarked blogs a million times each day. Maybe not a million, but I definitely helped out with all of their hits per day statistics.

I’m not going to stop blogging. I’m not going to censor myself. This blog and all of you wonderful women who I’ve met through blogging mean so much to me. After I read all of your heartfelt comments last night, I sat and cried. How can all of these women, whom I’ve never met, know exactly what to say? It’s amazing to me that I can receive such unconditional support from all of you. I love my family, and I know they love me, but I haven’t felt that kind of unconditional support from anyone other than my husband. You girls are beyond fabulous. I hope I’ve been half as good a friend to you guys as you have to me.

• Posted in : IVF Part 1: IVF #1, various other ramblings
• Author : amanda

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