Disappointment September 28, 2004
My IVF coordinator called yesterday with my final cyropreservation report. At the time of transfer we had:
4- expanded grade 5 blasts
1- grade 5 blast
2- grade 4 blasts
1- grade 3 blast
4- 8-celled embryos
We transferred two of the expanded grade 5 blasts. I knew the 8-celled ones were not going to be frozen, but was told that the other six blasts would be. Well, they were only able to freeze three. The grade 4’s and the grade 3 blasts never expanded and started to degenerate.
I’m really thankful that we had three to freeze. I’m actually amazed that we had that many, and if you would have told me we were going to have three grade 5 blasts to freeze when I was in the stimming phase, I would have been flabbergasted. I’m not being ungrateful, but I already “knew” that we had six blasts leftover. Losing half is hard. My disappointment stems not from the fact that we “only” have three, but from the fact that we lost half of what I thought we had.
This also changes our backup plan. I’m all about having a plan B, C, etc. Now instead of both plan B and C being FETs, only B is. I now have to figure out a new plan C. Of course I would love to have this IVF work and not have to worry about the other plans for a while, but we all know that may not happen.
I’ve tried all along to think of the embryos as cells. They are cells, but they’re really, really special cells. I don’t think of them as my children, but as my potential children. It’s just too hard otherwise. It’s the same reason I don’t consider myself the “p” word right now, because it would make it even harder if my beta comes back negative. But, as much as I’ve tried not to, I’ve become attached to these little embryos. The ones that were transferred, as well as the frozen ones that leave me with hope for the future. It’s just impossible not to.
- Posted in : IVF Part 1: IVF #1
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I’m so sorry that you lost some embryos! This must be very difficult for you. I can only imagine…
I’m praying you don’t need a plan B, let alone a plan C.
You certainly have every right to be disappointed in this news and also to feel attached to your embryos. I’m sorry that the news was not what you had hoped with the cryopreservation.
I think the need for back-up plans is a natural part of navigating all of this but–of course–I’m hoping that there won’t be a need for plan B, let alone C.
Your attitude is admirable, your strength inspirational, your hope infectious. I hope good things with/for you soon and in the future.
Amanda sweetie, you are doing GREAT! You should be very proud of yourself. I am sorry you are feeling disappointment but you truly are doing SO well.
Take care and fingers crossed for a positive beta so yo
u don’t even have to worry about plan B.
Here’s hoping that Plan A succeeds and that there is no need to go to Plan B, etc. Three to freeze is actually not too shabby. The huge rate of attrition is amazing, though. When I found out only 4 of my 8 eggs fertilized I knew it was pretty common but a teeny tiny little voice in my head was like “hey! keep a better watch on my eggs!” Silly, but what can you do, right?
-A
I hope I hope I hope I hope that plans B and C are unnecessary.
I’m so sorry you lost some of your little blasts, but please, don’t dwell on that or get *too* upset for the time being. I say this because you may have one or two little ones inside growing right now, so you want to stay on as much of an emotional even keel as you possibly can. (I hear you laughing, but stop it. I’m serious!)
I’ll say an extra prayer tonight that Plan C is thoroughly unnecessary. Thinking of you.
Heather
One Pink Line
you’re doing really really well. I got attached to my embies too – I still look at the picture sometimes and wonder ‘what if’ –
thinking of you.
Dana