Tell Me Your Numbers, and I’ll Tell You Mine September 10, 2004
I think that in just about every IVF book I’ve read there’s been a comment about not comparing your numbers to others during an IVF cycle. You know, the important numbers: follicles, E2, eggs retrieved, eggs fertilized, etc. You know what? I think it’s impossible not to, especially when you blog and when you participate in message boards.
Here are my numbers from today (after 7 nights of stims):
Right- 16, 10, 10, 9, 9, 8, 6, 4
Left- 12, 12, 12, 11, 11, 10, 9
Lining at 9mm.
E2 from Wednesday was 349. E2 from today was 1015.
It’s hard not to compare my numbers to other’s. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m responding quite as well as I should be. With my relatively young age, low FSH, and lack of any obvious female factor infertility, I just expected to be Super Responder Girl. You know, like a super hero or something. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I post in a “under 30″ cycle buddy thread where the other girls have 20+ follicles. One girl retrieved 27 eggs, had plenty of embryos left over to freeze, and just got her positive beta. Another girl started stims the same night I did and is triggering tonight for ER on Sunday.
There’s a section in one of my IVF books, The Couple’s Guide to In Vitro Fertilization, where the author touches on the subject of comparison. She cautions the reader to resist comparing notes in too much detail with other IVF patients. She provides an example where two women are undergoing IVF at the same time. They share many things in common, including age, FSH, and protocol, so they compare notes along the way. At retrieval one had 30 eggs and the other 10. The first woman had 20 good embryos develop and the other had 2. The second woman says, “…comparing notes, and coming up short, made me feel like a loser. One day I went straight home and fell on my bed and sobbed, convinced my cycle would be a bust.” Of course, both women ending up getting pregnant, but that’s not the point.
The point is that I feel like that second women. I came home today from my appointment and cried. I had such high hopes. I know that this cycle is far from over, and things are actually going ok in the grand scheme of things. It’s just hard to go from having your hopes up to having little hope. Ok. So, I’m a bit melodramatic, but so what? I wanted enough eggs retrieved in case we don’t have a great fertilization rate given our severe male factor, and I wanted to have enough eggs retrieved to give us a chance at being able to freeze some embryos in case this doesn’t work. I don’t know when we’ll be able to do another fresh cycle. It’s so hard, not to mention the financial aspect.
What I’m really worried about, though, is that giant 16 in there. It’s so much bigger than the rest of them. That can’t be good. I spoke to my IVF coordinator today. Then plan is to sacrifice the dominant follicle by letting it over mature to get the majority of my follicles to the 18-20 range in order to trigger. I don’t go back until Monday since I’m stimming slowly. Hopefully the smaller follicles will have grown by then, and I’ll be able to trigger Monday night. I do have to keep in mind that the dominant follicle may keep the other ones from growing. I sure hope that doesn’t happen. I’m really not in the mood to be cancelled.
Pin Cushion September 9, 2004
So, my husband called me tonight to tell me that he’s stuck working late. Something about inventory and seizure and FBI. I don’t know. So, I was left facing my injections alone. I’ve done the Lupron ones myself, and they weren’t a big deal, but I was mentally prepared for them. Tonight I was not. I haven’t done the Gonal-F ones, and the thought of sticking a needle in my stomach kind of freaked me out. I don’t know why, but it just seemed worse than the thigh.
I went to prepare my syringes, and that’s where the trouble began. I wasn’t sure if I had enough left in my Gonal-F multi dose vial for tonight or not, so I decided to try. I stuck the syringe in the vial and the plunger just bounced back like a spring. I had a syringe do this once before, so I tried a different one. This time the syringe worked properly, but nothing would come out of the vial. I know the instructions say that only 1050 of the 1200 IU are retrievable, but I figured I might get a little out since there looked like there was enough in the vial.
I gave up on that vial and decided to reconstitute another multi dose. As soon as I got the top of the syringe containing the water open it started to empty itself with my fingers nowhere near the plunger. I quickly jabbed it into the vial and proceeded to reconstitute my precious drug. I went and got another syringe to use with the new vial. I started to fill the syringe but couldn’t make the plunger stop pulling back. It just wanted to fill up all the way and would have nothing of my 150 IU dosage. I emptied the full syringe back into the vial and reached for a fourth syringe. It’s a good thing those multi dose kits come with lots of syringes. This time I actually succeeded in filling the syringe to the correct dosage.
On to injecting. By this time I was thoroughly worked into a tizzy and was wishing someone other than my cats were on the premises to give me those damn shots. I started with the Lupron, because I had done that one before. I managed to get it in but was too nervous to actually jab it in. The needle went into my thigh slowly, but at least it was in. Next up was the Gonal-F. I was even more nervous by this point and couldn’t seem to manage the will to dart the stupid thing in. I finally did it, but it went in even more slowly than the Lupron one. Ouch.
So, that was my fun night with my injections. At least they’re done (hopefully correctly enough) and I can go back to worrying about what the hell my follicles are doing in there. They better be growing, that’s all I have to say.
Return to Normalcy (Or as Close as Possible)
Yes, I realize nothing about IVF is “normal”, but today should be a much less interesting day than yesterday, and that’s a good thing. I’m just taking it easy and waiting for tomorrow’s appointment. I got a message from my IVF coordinator yesterday afternoon. She said that my RE had reviewed my ultrasound and bloodwork results and that everything looked good, so I’m staying on the same dose of Gonal-F for now. She didn’t leave me my E2 number, though, so I’ll have to get that when I go back in the morning.
I’m definitely feeling my ovaries in action. I started feeling them pretty quickly after starting stims. At that point I thought it was neat. Now I’m just uncomfortable. I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like by the time I get to retrieval. I just have to remind myself that it just means that things are working in there. At least I hope that’s what it means.
So, I guess things are finally happening. I have to say that the suppression phase seemed to drag on forever. Three weeks on birth control pills and two weeks on Lupron was plenty. It’s good to see that something’s coming from all of this.
What a Morning September 8, 2004
This morning started out with a “quick trip” to the post office. My husband’s judicial clerkship applications were finally ready to mail out, and we decided to get there when the p.o. opened at 7:30 am. So we waited in line and walked up with our two big boxes full of packed manila envelopes and were told that they would not weigh them out individually in order to put exact postage on them since there were so many (85 to be exact). They said that we would have to buy stamps and put the postage on them ourselves. The whole point of going to the post office during business hours was so that we could have them do the postage for us. Apparently, the only way we were going to get them mailed was to buy the damn stamps. So, by the time the guy figured out exactly what stamps would equal the postage for the darn things, it was too late to actually sit there and apply the millions of stamps to the applications.
I do have to mention that my husband and I exchanged profanities throughout this ordeal, and by the time we got back to the car I was in tears. We were both just too stressed out to deal with that today.
So, then we headed downtown. We only have one car, so on days that I need it, I drop my hubby off at work. It’s a real pain, but it was either buy a new car or do IVF. People always ask how people afford to do IVF when it’s 100% self pay. That’s how. Anyway, traffic sucked. It always does, but today was worse than usual. I hate living in a big city. My husband drove, and I stuck stamps on the applications like a mad woman. I don’t know why the guy gave us the denominations of stamps that he did, but I ended up having to put 6 stamps on each envelope. UGH. Plus, some were the kind that you actually had to tear apart and lick. I didn’t even know they made those anymore.
We finally made it downtown, and then I had to head to the Medical Center to pick up the sperm. I got there and paid my $75, and they handed me the tank containing those two precious vials. That tank sure was heavy. They should have included a dolly or something. I made it back to the car and wedged the tank between the dashboard and passenger seat, because the lab guy had said that it needed to stay upright.
I then headed back out into the madness that is Houston traffic to make the trek to my RE’s office. I drove through the thick of Houston with one hand on the tank and a stack of manila envelopes in my lap. Every time I hit a stop light, I stuck on more of those damn stamps. I hadn’t driven that exact route before, and thus, missed a turn. I made a u-turn, and wouldn’t you know it, the tank started to topple over. I lunged over to the passenger side and did my best to save it before it was fully horizontal. I think I might have pulled a muscle in the process.
I finally made it to my RE’s office and lugged the tank through the parking garage and into the office. They took the tank, and I waited to be called for my ultrasound and bloodwork. I finally went back and did the bloodwork first. Now, I’ve had a few pokes in my time, but that was the most painful blood draw ever. Man, that sucked. I already have a lovely bruise forming as a result.
Then I got to have my ultrasound. I apparently have 12 follicles after 5 nights of stims, 6 on each side. Two measured in at 10, two at 8, five at 7, one at 6, one at 5, and one at 4. My lining was 5mm, and I was told that it was ok even with the spotting/bleeding issue. I’ll get my E2 later this afternoon. I go back Friday for more dildo cam fun.
I then made the drive back through town and by the time I got back to the post office, I had most of the stamps put on. (It’s a 45 minute drive each way.) I finished the rest in the parking lot. The guy had sold us enough for all but one of them, so I had to buy a few more stamps out of the machine. The grand total for postage came to over $130. My husband sure better get a clerkship. Anyway, I finally had all of the damn things stamped and was ready to actually mail them. However, the line was way to long for my patience level, so I had to put them through the slot inside the post office. Why on earth is that slot so skinny? I had to put the 85 manila envelopes through 2 at a time. Talk about annoying.
I then had to return the tank. That was actually fairly easy. So, that was my morning. All of this happened in a mere 4 hours time. I’m just glad it’s over now.
We’ll See September 7, 2004
Well, my IVF coordinator called me back this morning. She had spoken to my RE about the spotting/bleeding issue. My RE reviewed my baseline ultrasound and said that it shouldn’t be a problem, but that we will have to wait until after my ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow to make sure. I guess that’s not really a definitive answer, but at least someone finally called me back. I’m still spotting, but hopefully it will be ok.
Tomorrow should be an interesting day. Not only do I have my first ultrasound following the start of stims, but I also get to transport my husband’s sperm from the facility where it was cyropreserved and is currently being stored to my RE’s office. I called and arranged everything this morning, so I’m all set to go. I get to pay $75 (not $50 like I thought) for the privilege of borrowing a tank filled with liquid nitrogen so that I can tote my husband’s frozen swimmers across town. That should be fun.
So, hopefully I’ll have at least semi good news to report tomorrow. We shall see.
Let’s Try This Again September 6, 2004
I wrote a post earlier today and saved it without publishing it to my blog. I went back and reread it and man, I was in a really bad mood. Here’s a summary:
Bitch, moan, whine, complain, etc., etc.
I did have one legitimate complaint in that post. It goes back to the whole spotting/bleeding while stimming issue. I called my RE’s office this morning hoping someone would answer even though it was a holiday, and low and behold, someone actually answered at the second extension I tried. I relayed all the info concerning the spotting/bleeding and was told to hold for my RE. The lady came back on the line and told me that my RE was with a patient and would call me back. Guess what? She never did. So, now I still have no answers. I could understand if I was calling about something unimportant, but I feel like this warrants an actual phone call. So, I guess I’ll have to call back tomorrow. UGH.
The good news is that I seem to be back to spotting and the cramping has gone by the wayside. I assume this is good news. Hopefully the spotting will stop soon, and all will be well with the world (or something).
Oh, No. Full Flow. September 5, 2004
Well, it looks like I’ve found my lost period. I never really got a period while on Lupron, just spotting. I was told that was ok. Well, the spotting that started yesterday, the day after my first Gonal-F shot, turned into full flow overnight.
I hope this doesn’t screw things up too much. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve read time and time again that it’s the cycles where everything seems to go wrong that work and the “perfect” ones that don’t. I doubt there’s any scientific proof to this, but this thought is keeping my head from exploding.
I guess I’m most worried about my lining. If it was a thin 2.5 mm Friday morning, what must it be now that I’m bleeding away? Hopefully the stims will be able to counteract that and my lining will start to thicken up. I guess I won’t really know until I go in for my next ultrasound on Wednesday.
Of course all of this is happening on a weekend. I called yesterday morning and again this morning. I know they do some monitoring on the weekends, but I guess since the office isn’t technically open, they don’t feel the need to answer the phone. Hopefully someone will answer tomorrow morning, but I’m not counting on it since it’s a holiday. I could page my RE, but I don’t feel like this is an emergency. If I don’t get a hold of anyone tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll be able to get some answers on Tuesday.
I have to say that my husband is being so great though all of this. I think at first he was having trouble dealing with the drugged up Amanda. I do admit that I am a totally different person on all of these damn drugs. Now, though, he’s being wonderful. Good thing, because the past couple of days have been really tough, and I know they will continue to get tougher. Man, I really hope I make it through all of this in one piece.
Crashing September 4, 2004
I’m really glad that I had a good day yesterday, because today sucks. A lot. I feel like total crap.
I have no clue what’s going on with my body. I had spotting during the BCPs and a few days after but no real period while on Lupron. As reported yesterday, I was given the go ahead to start stims after 15 days on Lupron. Well, guess what? Today I started spotting. What the fuck? I haven’t had any spotting since the 24th and was told that was probably all I’d have since my lining was thin. I have no clue what’s going on. I don’t even know if it’s ok to spot while stimming. I know some people still have some spotting from their Lupron period when they start stims, but this is different. I’ve had nothing for over 10 days, and now this.
My body does not like these drugs. I’m losing it today. My husband is working today, and I had to have him call me just so I wouldn’t completely lose it. I really don’t know how people do IVF time and time again. I don’t even know how I’m going to make it to retrieval. My body’s just ready to quit. Maybe I’m having a harder time with the side effects or something. I don’t know. I’ve always been sensitive to drugs, but this is insane. I can’t wait for this to be over.
So, if anyone has any advice on the whole spotting while on stims issue, please feel free to send it my way. This is so freaking confusing. I just don’t want it to have screwed anything up. God, I’m such a looney tune.
**************
Evening Update: Well, I’m still spotting, and it’s gotten heavier. I wouldn’t call it full flow, but it’s definitely more than I would like to be experiencing. I’m also cramping now, too. God, this sucks.
Thanks for your reassuring comments, ladies. I sure hope you guys are right.
Good Day September 3, 2004
It’s been quite a while since I’ve had a good day. The day is not even halfway over, but I can say it’s been good so far. I think I kinda forgot what it feels like to be semi happy. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like crap from the drugs, but that’s to be expected.
I had my baseline ultrasound this morning. I am no longer a virgin to the dildo cam. My lining is nice and thin, 2.5 mm to be exact, so I get to start stims tonight. I was so afraid that I was going to have to stay on just the Lupron for a while longer, but no sir. My ovaries are cyst free as well.
I did have a little issue at my RE’s office this morning. You see, my husband’s cryopreserved sperm is at a different facility, so I have to arrange the transportation of the sperm from that place to my RE’s office. Actually, I have to do more than the arranging. I get to transport it. When I went in for my consult, I was told that the fee for storage at my RE’s office would include using their tank for transportation purposes. Turns out that their tank is in San Antonio, so now I have to pay $50 to use the other place’s tank. I was a little upset that they told me I wouldn’t have to pay for a tank, but what’s another $50 when you’re spending thousands.
So, I have another ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled for next Wednesday morning. That’s when I’ll transport the sperm as well. That should be interesting.
After I left the RE’s office, I went to the new “Texas size IKEA.” There’s been an IKEA here for quite a while, but they just rebuilt the whole thing. It’s definitely bigger. I even bought a couple of things.
Then I headed to Wal-Mart. This may not sound exciting, but I don’t get to go to Wal-Mart very often. It’s too expensive for Wal-Mart to have any stores inside the loop in Houston (where we live). They’re all on the outskirts of the city. My RE’s office, and IKEA for that matter, are on the west side of the city, so Wal-Mart was within a reasonable driving distance today. So, I got a few things that I can only get at Wal-Mart and got the oil changed in my car. All was going well until I ran over my toes with the cart. I was wearing sandals, so I spent the rest of my shopping trip limping.
Then I picked up a Jamba Juice on the way home. Yummy! It was my treat for the day.
So, I get to start the Gonal-F tonight. I’m actually excited. I’ve been trying to tell myself throughout this whole IVF process that this probably won’t work the first time. I’ve been trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but man, I want this to work so badly.
Wait and See September 2, 2004
Last night was night #14 on Lupron and still no real period. I called my IVF coordinator to talk to her about the situation. I let her know that I had spotting during the last week and a half on the birth control pills and for three days after stopping them. She said that the spotting may be all I get. So, we’re basically in wait and see mode. I go for my baseline ultrasound and blookwork tomorrow morning. If my uterine lining is thin and my E2 levels are low, then I get to start stims tomorrow night. If my lining is too thick than I have to continue taking just the Lupron.
I really hope my body cooperates and I get to start the Gonal-F tomorrow night. I’m just sick of waiting. Plus, these damn Lupron side effects are driving me crazy. Adding to my repertoire that includes moodiness, feeling totally loopy, and being exhausted has been the infamous Lupron headaches. Oh, and lets not forget the fact that I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in forever. Needless to say, I feel like total crap. Ok. Enough whining. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow morning.
Am I Infertile? September 1, 2004
I refer to myself as infertile, but am I really? I’m not technically infertile. None of my infertility testing has come back as anything other than “normal.” I guess medically speaking I’m fertile. However, my husband is not. He’s completely, 100% infertile. Having a zero sperm count will do that for you.
The thing is that I consider us a team. I mean, obviously, it takes both of us, but I think it goes beyond that. If he’s infertile, than I consider myself infertile, too. First of all, it’s not like I’m going to go out and have sex with anyone else. More than that, though, my husband and I are in this together. It’s blatantly obvious right now since I’m the one getting needles stuck into my flesh daily, but I viewed it that way even before we started IVF.
What’s ironic is what I would think when we were still trying to conceive the old fashioned way. A year had passed, then 18 months, then almost 2 years, and I would look at the websites dealing with trying to conceive and pregnancy and glance over at the infertility sections and think, “Oh, no way. That’s not us. There’s no way that we’re infertile.” It was like some dirty word that I didn’t want associated with us. I mean, come on, we were young, healthy, and had super fertile family members. Talk about denial. It was almost 2 years after we had started trying before my husband had his first semen analysis that resulted in our diagnosis. It’s amazing how one test can totally redefine how you think about yourself. Now I don’t view “infertile” as a bad word. It’s just who we are.
I don’t mean to take anything away from those women out there who are medically infertile. My heart goes out to everyone dealing with infertility, no matter the cause. I guess it’s just about how I view myself in all of this.
I wonder if husbands of women dealing with female factor infertility view themselves as infertile, too?
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