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Celebrating the Little Things October 30, 2004

I took my last birth control pill last night. Yay! I even did a little “no more birth control pills” dance immediately following that last pill pop. I figure I might as well celebrate what I can. So, I guess phase one is complete. Now I just have to survive the Lupron.

I’m Screwed October 29, 2004

I think the Lupron’s already getting to me. Is that possible? Yesterday I had to republish my blog post half a dozen times, because every time I read it I found another error. Yesterday afternoon I went to post a comment on Dee’s fantastic post, and I couldn’t spell then either. This morning when I went to go workout I left my water bottle behind, something I never forget. If I’m already feeling fuzzy this soon into things, it’s going to be an interesting month.

I tried going back through my archives to determine how long it took for me to feel the effects of the Lupron last time around. I couldn’t really figure it out, but I wrote this post after only 4 nights of injections, so I guess it’s entirely possible for that damn drug to already be edging me into the looney bin. I’m so screwed.

Shooting Up Once Again October 28, 2004

Well, it’s official. Popping birth control pills doesn’t feel like really cycling to me, but having a needle shoved into my thigh definitely does. One down, a million to go or so it feels.

I got nervous before my Lupron injection last night. Not because I was scared of the shot itself. Not at all, but I was nervous about what that shot meant. It meant that we were really doing this all again. It was the first step in a really long road to be traveled. I know I should just take things one day at a time, but it’s so hard knowing what’s to come. I will be on Lupron for about a month. A whole entire month. That’s such a daunting thought. Lupron is not my friend. It makes me loopy and moody and gives me headaches. Maybe it will be easier this time around, but I doubt it. It’s just hard to take that first step when you know how hard the rest of the steps will be.

My husband made it home in time to give me my shot last night. I repeatedly told him that it wasn’t necessary, because I could do it myself. But the amazing man that he is made a point to be home for that first one even though he had more than enough reasons to stay at work. It really meant a lot. To me it represented the fact that we are in this together. Sure, I’m the one that will be poked and prodded throughout this FET, but on an emotional level we are in this together. He was amazing during my fresh cycle, and I have no doubt that he’ll be equally fabulous during this FET. I’m just thankful that if I have to go through all of this, it’s with him by my side.

It looks like I’ll be on my own for tonight’s injection, but that’s ok. My poor husband will be working a 16+ hour day today. He’s been working insane hours this week, and it’s taking a toll. I’m sure he’ll probably have to work this weekend, too, so no break there. I know that his job is the reason we can do IVF. There’s not many professions where you can start out making a hefty salary straight out of school. Fortunately law is one. With that pay comes a ton of work, though. A ton. Especially for young lawyers. Even though the clerkship that he’ll be starting in August will mean a substantial pay cut, I’m glad that it will mean less hours for my husband. Hopefully one of these IVFs will work by then. It’s going to be really tough both emotionally and financially if it hasn’t.

So, I guess this is really happening again. Should be an interesting month and a half. I do have to say, though, that those tiny insulin syringes used with the Lupron are practically laughable after experiencing the hell that is the PIOs. It’s amazing how my perspective has changed. I remember looking at those little syringes the first time around and being scared out of my mind. Now they’re just another step in the process. I’m still petrified of those PIOs, though. One step at a time. One fucking step at a time.

Making an Effort October 26, 2004

Sometimes you have to make yourself feel better. Sometimes that’s really hard to do and takes tremendous effort. I haven’t been doing so well the past few days, but I’m trying to pick myself up and shake myself off.

It’s amazing to me how this infertility and IVF stuff affects me. I’ll be bopping along with life, feeling fine, and then BAM, it hits me. Out of nowhere it just comes back and kicks my ass. It doesn’t matter how strong I feel one day, because I can be flattened the next.

I’m doing a little better today. I walked 2.75 miles on the treadmill this morning. My knees are going to be bitching at me about that one, but I just had to keep going this morning. 1.5 or 2 miles just wouldn’t do today. I also just finished eating a healthy lunch complete with fresh veggies galore. Would I have preferred to eat a big bowl of ice cream instead? Without a doubt, but I’m truly trying to make an effort here.

Like a lot of things in the fun world of infertility, this is really hard for me. Just trying to feel good is hard sometimes. I wish it were easier, but it’s not. I’m not talking about ignoring my feelings or putting myself in major denial. I can still be sad or mad or frustrated in my head while trying to make my body feel better. I’m definitely not Suzy Sunshine or Mrs. Positive all of the time, or even most of the time. Sometimes I’m bitter, sometimes I’m jealous, sometimes I’m hopeless, sometimes I’m discouraged, but I’m trying my hardest not to feel like complete shit all of the time. I’m not doing this by thinking unrealistic positive thoughts but by doing little things like exercising or eating better or even getting off my ass to take a shower at a reasonable time. It does take effort. Sometimes more than others. I’m determined to do it, though. I’m really going to try to make that effort more often.

I’m a Pathetic Mess October 25, 2004

Truly. I just suck right now. I don’t know what my deal is but all I can do is mope and eat. And I’m not stuffing my face with carrot sticks, either. Oh no, I’m talking junk galore. I’ve gained back the weight I lost during my IVF, which is fine, but at this rate I’m going to end up a balloon.

Things just haven’t been going well today. When I finally got my ass up off the couch to go put in my contacts and take a shower today around noon (see- pathetic) I lost a contact. That just pissed me off. I couldn’t find that sucker anywhere. Of course my cat came into the bathroom to help, so there’s no telling if she happened to step on it. I searched for quite a while but never found the damn thing.

Then when my husband called me from work today, he let me know that things are really starting to gear up for the arbitration that’s scheduled to begin in mid November, so after today I shouldn’t expect him to be home at a reasonable hour. Considering the fact that he normally gets home around 7:00, that means we’re talking about 9:00 at the earliest. More likely 10 or 11. This just so happens to coincide with the start of my injections again. Wednesday night I get to start injecting that drug I love so much, Lupron, again. It’s not like I can’t do them myself. I’ve done them before, and after living through the PIOs, I figure I can handle a tiny insulin syringe again. But to be honest, I love the emotional support that comes with a husband-administered injection. Mostly, I just don’t want to be alone all day and night. I’m sure I’ll go even more insane with my husband working 24/7.

Another thing that’s been getting to me lately is the infertility cyberland. What has been my world for months on end now seems different to me. I can’t post on the message boards that I constantly inhabited during my fresh cycle. I’m even having trouble posting comments on my favorite blogs. I still read the blogs and lurk on the message boards, but it’s becoming harder. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe I’m burnt out, or maybe it’s just too hard emotionally. I don’t know.

My body is also not at 100%. Part of that has to do with the whole eating thing, but there’s more to it. My knees aren’t doing well. I’ve been working out a lot, which is a good thing, but it’s been really hard on my knees. Not working out for a month during my fresh cycle along with cutting out the glucosamine chondroitin from my daily regimen has taken a toll. I’ve also been having trouble with headaches. This weekend I had the worst headaches of my life. I’m not exaggerating. They were horrible. They made me stop in my tracks, literally. I eventually had to pop a Vicodin, because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. That seemed to help, and (knock on wood) they haven’t returned since.

I think I need a vacation or something. That’s obviously not going to happen. Hopefully I’ll feel better soon. I really hope so. I don’t like this version of me. Not one bit.

Jealousy Dissected October 22, 2004

I’m beyond jealous. I can’t help it sometimes. Isn’t it human nature to be envious of people who have what you want? I find myself reading blogs and message boards and thinking jealous thoughts. It’s not like I’m not happy for other people, especially my friends, but man, I can’t help but get jealous sometimes.

I’m jealous of people who get pregnant on their first IVF.
I’m jealous of people who get pregnant with twins on their first IVF.
Hell, I’m really jealous of people who get pregnant without IVF.
I’m jealous of people who have insurance that covers IVF.
I’m jealous that they don’t have to go into major debt.
I’m jealous of people who get to buy a new car or new furniture when we’re spending that $ on IVF.
I’m jealous of people who are adopting.
I’m jealous that they were able to make that leap when I am not- yet.
I’m jealous that they will, more likely than not, be holding actual children in their arms while I’ll still be poking needles into my flesh.
I’m jealous of people who don’t get jealous.

Don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful for many things in my life, but sometimes it really hurts when things have to be so hard. It hurts to get the short end of the stick.

I’ve stopped posting on a couple of message boards that I basically lived on while I was cycling. Now it’s just too hard to watch people post about heartbeats and morning sickness and baby names. There’s one group that I’ve been particularly avoiding lately. I just don’t fit in anymore. Quite a few of the girls are pregnant and quite a few are still in the midst of their first IVFs. Obviously I’m neither. I can’t relate to all of the pregnant talk nor can I relate to the optimism of the first time IVFers, so I’ve stopped posting.

I don’t like being a jealous person, but I can’t help it sometimes. I just wish I could be jealous about something other than all of this baby stuff.

I just typed jealous into a thesaurus. There were a bigillion synonyms but a couple stood out to me. One was selfish. Yes, I guess I am being selfish. I want what others have. Me, me, me. That’s the part of being jealous that makes me feel like crap sometimes, but there was another synonym that jumped out at me: yearning. That’s exactly it. I have this relentless yearning to have a child. We all know what yearning means, but the actual definition is “To have a strong, often melancholy desire.” That’s just dead on for me. My desire to have a child is so strong, but it’s often times tempered with sadness. So, now when I start to get jealous I’ll just think of that yearning. It’s not that I’m evil spirited, it’s just that my heart is yearning for a child.

I Need a Nap October 21, 2004

I haven’t been sleeping well. There are way too many things working against me right now for me to be able to get a decent night’s sleep. First of all, there’s my cat. She’s driving me crazy. She insists on sleeping on my pillow and/or head. I try to convince her that there are better places to sleep, but she’ll have none of it. So either I can’t sleep because she’s walking all over my hair trying to find the best place on the pillow or I’m awake because I’m constantly taking her off my pillow. She’s 16 and beyond stubborn. She’s pretty fragile, so it’s not like I’m going to throw her off the bed, but man, I’ve got to come up with a better solution.

I’ve also been having bad dreams. I really don’t know why this is, but I’m blaming it on the birth control pills. That’s my motto: when in doubt, blame it on the drugs. All I know is that they didn’t start until I started this new brand of pills. I’ll take it though, because they’re not making my nauseated or depressed.

And I don’t know what was up last night, but I woke up in the wee hours thanks to some excruciating itching all over my back. It felt like little bugs were crawling up and down my back. It’s was horrible and no amount of scratching could touch it. I was miserable. I also had a dentist appointment this morning, so I’m sure feeling apprehensive about that whole situation didn’t help matters last night either.

I really need a good night’s sleep sometime soon. Maybe I’ll pop a Tylenol PM or two. That’s should do the trick.

This Might Be Just Inconvenient Enough October 18, 2004

I’ve been thinking about the timing of this FET cycle, and I’ve determined that it just might be inconvenient enough to work. We all know that you can’t plan too much during a cycle. There’s just no way to know when you’ll have to go in for ultrasounds, how your lining or follicles will respond, etc. You’ve got to be flexible.

Well, the first inconvenience has to do with trying to figure out holiday plans. Ever since my inlaws moved to California, my husband and I have spent Thanksgiving with one of our families and Christmas with the other, and then we’d alternate the following year. This year should be Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. Here’s the deal. We won’t find out if this FET worked until mid December. Too late to be buying tickets to California. If this FET does by some miracle work, then Christmas will come before I’ve even had an ultrasound. I just don’t think I should be flying then. I don’t know what the actual medical recommendation is, but I would never forgive myself if I hopped on a plane to fly across the country and something happened or if we got back and didn’t see a heartbeat. I couldn’t live with myself, so I’m not willing to take the risk. My mother-in-law asked if we could come for Thanksgiving instead, but I’ll be having an ultrasound either the day before or after Thanksgiving and possibly both, so flying to CA is out then, too. So, the holidays are kind of up in the air right now.

The biggest inconvenience that would come if this FET worked would come around due date time. Of course I’ve already looked up my due date if this were to work, and
guess what? It would be mid August. When does my husband’s clerkship start? Mid August. So, we would be moving to another state right around my due date. Perfect timing.

I’m thinking that this might be enough for this to work this time around. I mean of course it wouldn’t work when the timing was awesome. Flying to CA during the second trimester, perfect. Moving when the baby’s a few months old, great. I knew that was just too easy. We don’t get dealt “easy” in our household. Just doesn’t happen. So, maybe this will be it. Of course, I will happily deal with any inconvenience that comes my way if this would just work this time. Throw it at me fate. I can take it. Just let this happen this time, will ya?

Completely Sucky Odds October 16, 2004

I just don’t get it. Joining Julianna and me in the fucked over by a negative beta club are my dear friends Nina and Dawn. You would think that at least one of the four of us would get lucky. Why couldn’t it happen for at least one of us?

I know that IVF is a numbers game. You follow the numbers throughout the whole cycle. Number of follicles, E2 number, number of eggs retrieved, number of mature eggs, number of eggs fertilized, number of embryos making it to day 3 or 5, number of embryos transferred, beta number. Of course the biggest numbers game of all is whether you fall into the success percentage or the failure percentage. The percentage chance that anyone has of IVF working is dependent on many things and varies from person to person, but you usually get better than a 0/4 chance of it working.

It just pisses me off that this didn’t work for at least one of my friends. I am more sad for US than I was for me. These three ladies are beyond fabulous. They all deserved this so much. I just can’t comprehend why it couldn’t happen for any of us. I really can’t.

We’re all taking different roads following our failed IVFs. No matter what my friends decide to do from this point on, I wish the best for them. I hope they never have to face such crappy odds again.

I Just Couldn’t Take It Anymore October 15, 2004

Those evil birth control pills were doing me in. I specifically asked for a different brand this time around, because I was so nauseated from the other brand during my fresh cycle. This new brand didn’t make me physically sick, but it made me depressed. I couldn’t get off the couch to shower or eat until the middle of the afternoon yesterday. I’ve been constantly weepy with breaks for sobbing breakdowns. I knew it was the pills. I wasn’t feeling this way before I started taking them. Even after my negative beta. I was sad then, not depressed.

Of course I had to do a google search about birth control pills and depression to make sure I wasn’t making all of this up in my head. On one of Brown University’s health education pages I found this about birth control pills:

Some women may notice changes in their emotional status: depressed mood or emotional instability. If you have a history of depression, it is important to monitor your progress carefully when starting BCPs. If you notice changes in your mood after beginning BCPs, call your provider.

History of depression- check. Changes in mood after beginning BCPs- check.

I thought I could tough it out, but it just got too bad yesterday. I remember all to well what it was like to be severely depressed in college, and I didn’t want to revisit that. I decided that I had no desire to spend another 16 days feeling that way, and I was afraid that it might get even worse. So, I called my IVF coordinator yesterday to see if I could switch brands at this late date. Sure enough, I could, and my IVF coordinator called out a new prescription for me. Hopefully this new brand will allow me to actually live my life for the next couple of weeks. There’s just no sense in feeling worse than I absolutely have to.

The Second Time Around October 14, 2004

I’ve been pondering whether going through IVF for the second time or more is harder or easier than the first time. I definitely have less questions this time around. The process is familiar even though I’m doing a FET for my second round. I no longer worry about whether or not I’m doing the injections correctly or if it’s ok to spot while on birth control pills. I no longer wonder what it will be like to be constantly poked and prodded or what the anesthesia will be like. I’m not focusing on as many on the tiny details, because I’ve been through it all before. It’s not like having one IVF under my belt makes me a professional or anything, but having gone through the motions once before leaves me with less questions for round two.

On the other hand, I now know how much IVF sucks. I never thought it would be a walk in the park, but I now have firsthand knowledge about how freaking tough it is. I can no longer be under the delusion that I won’t experience side effects from the drugs. I can no longer assume that transfer will be “one of the easiest parts.” I can no longer hope that I won’t experience the heartbreak that comes with a negative beta. I now know exactly what I’m getting into. I think that makes it harder to jump back into things. Having gone through it all only to watch it fail, makes it tough to just give it another college try. I think you have to be mentally tougher each subsequent time.

It was really hard for me to pop that first birth control pill Saturday night. Not because I don’t want another shot at this, but because I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that one little pill meant the beginning of another really tough couple of months. It’s really hard for me to face all of this again, to know that I have to make it through it all again. (Well, minus the stimming and retrieval parts.) Those weren’t the toughest parts for me, though. This is still going to be hard.

Last time I was excited. It was my first real chance at getting pregnant. I knew it might not work, but we had a good chance. Everything was new and interesting. The sense of anticipation throughout my whole cycle was unreal. Now, I’m just determined. I’m not excited. This is not neat and new. I have less faith that this will work for us than I did a few months ago, but I know that this is the only way we will ever have a chance at having bio children. So, I press on. I am trying my best to summon the mental fortitude necessary to do this again, because I no longer have the anticipation and adrenaline to get by on, but it’s tough.

To be honest, I really don’t want to go through it all again. I have no desire to feel like complete and utter crap for another two months. I don’t want to feel sad and down on the birth control pills, or loopy and moody on the Lupron, or not be able to walk from the PIO, or have to go through another transfer from hell. Sometimes I seriously doubt that I’ll be able to do it all again. Of course it will all be worth it if it works this time, but what if it fails again? Will it have been worth it then?

I’m trying to hang in there, but it’s tough sometimes. It’s hard to think about all of the women I cycled with that got lucky the first time around. Now they’re getting to watch beautiful beating hearts on the ultrasound screen while the only thing I’ll be seeing on the ultrasound is my lining. Maybe I’m just a total wimp, but all of this is so hard mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. So hard.

Ok. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I have no doubt that for me round two will be harder. It already is, but I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I have to do this.

I Just Can’t October 13, 2004

I had an idea of what I wanted to post about today, but I just can’t. Not when my dear friend is hurting. I know there’s nothing that anyone, least of all me, can do to lessen her pain one ounce, and it kills me. A week and a half ago I was in that raw place that you can’t help but enter after a failed IVF, so the pain is still familiar to me. But I know that my friend’s pain is more fresh and more raw. I know we’re not supposed to compare pain, but I know she’s hurting more than I did, and I can’t even imagine that. Julianna, I love you girl, and I’m so, so sorry.

****************
Edited to add: I just read that another one of my blogland friends recently received devastating news. I’m so sorry, Sherry. Why does everything have to suck so badly?

The Follow Up and New Plan October 12, 2004

Before I get to the gist of my post, I want to reiterate that birth control pills are evil. I’ve come to the conclusion that they come in two different forms: the physical ones and the emotional ones, based on whichever aspect of your life they fuck up the most. During my fresh cycle, the birth control pills that I took caused me to be constantly nauseated. I could barely eat, thus the physical ones. This time, apparently this new brand is an emotional one. I’ve been weepy and depressed the past couple of days. It’s not pretty. It should be a fun three weeks.

I got a call from my RE this morning. I knew I wanted to talk to her about my transfer situation, but I didn’t want to go in for an actual appointment, so I requested a phone call. I let her know that I was happy with all aspects of my IVF cycle except for the transfer. (Well, also the fact that it didn’t work, but I figured that was fairly obvious.) We “debated” about whether a mock transfer could have prevented my transfer from hell. After all of that we discussed my options for the transfer in my FET cycle. My RE gave me two choices:

1) Have my cervix dilated a couple of days before transfer. This would be done under anesthesia at either my RE’s office or a hospital. Of course, this couldn’t be scheduled in advance, because the timing would be dependent on how my lining progresses. In this plan I would be awake during the embryo transfer in hopes that the dilation would be sufficient for a smooth transfer.

2) Have my transfer done under anesthesia. This way the dilation, if needed, could be done at the time of transfer. This would also allow my RE to be able to “pull harder” on the tenaculum (cervical clamp) in order to straighten out my right-angled cervix better.

I decided to go with choice 2. If I’m going to be knocked out one way or the other, I’d rather it be during transfer. Option two just makes more sense to me. Why dilate ahead of time when there’s a chance that my cervix could close back up before transfer? Doing the transfer under anesthesia will allow my RE to do what she needs to do (dilate, pull and prod, whatever) without having to worry about the pain factor. Of course, the anesthesia will cost extra, but if that’s what will make the difference this time around, I’ll gladly pay the extra.

A Review, a Rant, Whatever You Want to Call It October 11, 2004

I had heard through the infertility message board grapevine that there was a new magazine on the market entitled Conceive. Now, I’m usually too cheap to spend $5 on a magazine, but yesterday I plopped down my five dollar bill and some change at Barnes and Noble in order to check out this new magazine.

Obviously this magazine is about trying to conceive, but it also focuses a lot on infertility. I was curious to see what they would and wouldn’t include in their premiere issue. They touched on a variety of subjects from ovulation predictor kits to IVF to donor eggs to adoption. There was a personal article on surrogacy and an informational article on how to choose an OB/GYN, RE, egg donor, sperm donor, and adoption agency. There was an article on celebrities that have dealt with infertility.

There was some good and interesting info in this magazine. I don’t think I really learned anything new, but that’s ok. However, there was one little part of this magazine that will most likely keep me from buying it again. In a bold red box in the corner of one of the pages in an article entitled ‘is your body ready for a baby? maximizing your fertility in your 20s, 30s, and 40s’ was the following:

Don’t Panic!
This is just some advice on a few of the things you can do to enhance your fertility, particularly if you are having trouble conceiving. But the most important thing is not to lose hope: a positive state of mind is essential. “Remember that 120 million babies are born around the world every year- that’s 120 million couples who are doing something right,” says Dr. Metzger. “So although it can be difficult, try to relax.”

Oh, no. Please don’t throw that RELAX shit at me again. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves in all of this infertility business. I’m sorry, but my husband and I could be the most relaxed people on the planet, but it’s not going to help his sperm get out of his body. And what’s up with the 120 million couples are doing something right comment? Do you mean to tell me that I’m DOING something wrong. Like it’s my fault? Spare me.

I’m sure most people would have just glanced over that red box, but it really pissed me off. There are two things that really get my blood boiling in this crazy world of infertility: the notion that we just need to relax, and the backhanded blame placed on infertiles. So here’s what I have to say to Dr. Metzger and Conceive Magazine: Please stop telling infertile people to relax. It’s not going to help. We can’t just take a vacation to Italy and wind up pregnant. It’s just not going to happen. And while you’re at it, stop blaming us for being infertile. It’s not our fault. We didn’t cause our infertility.

Maybe this magazine isn’t meant for people like me, people who are no longer at the point where they are focusing on ovulation predictor kits or whether or not exercise can impact fertility. Even though there’s a good portion of this magazine dedicated to IVF and ART, maybe it’s meant for people who are considering those options and not for people who know that’s their only choice for a chance at a biological child. Maybe I’m not the type of person Conceive had in mind when creating their magazine. I don’t know, but I do know that I took offense to that little red box.

Ok. I’m done now. I’m climbing back down off my soap box and throwing away my magazine.

Step Away From the Brownies

I’ve been treating my body like total crap. Ever since I realized over a week ago that my IVF was a bust, I haven’t been able to get enough junk food in my mouth. It’s pathetic. I knew that finding out that my IVF had failed would cause me to throw the no sweets policy out the window, but this is ridiculous.

Yesterday my husband and I decided that enough was enough. We’re going to start eating healthy again. It’s a lot harder to give up the sweets and junk than just keeping up with the no sweets thing. Once you’ve tasted all of that yummy goodness again and restarted your sugar addiction, it’s tough to go back.

I decided I needed a transition phase this time around. You know those cookies in the refrigerator case at the grocery store that are premade and you just have to put them on the cookie sheet and bake? Well they now make sugar free ones that are made with Splenda. I thought we’d try them. I was a little nervous upon first biting into one. I was afraid that they would be disgusting. To my surprise, I actually liked them. They’re not as sweet as regular cookies, but that’s to be expected. I ate three cookies last night. Big mistake. I don’t know whether it was the Splenda or the sugar alcohol, I’ve read that they both can cause intestinal problems, but it wasn’t a good situation either way. In fact, it was horrible. I was so sick. Needless to say, I won’t be eating any more of those cookies. I sent the rest to work with my husband.

So, I’m back on the no sweets diet. No more brownies or cookies for this little lady. I’m just feeling too badly right now to continue on with that type of eating. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I can’t do the eating in moderation thing when it comes to yummy snacks. So, all sweet treats have once again been banned from my household. Hopefully within another week I’ll no longer be feeling an intense need to rip out my gastrointestinal tract.

Back on the Horse October 8, 2004

My period finally started yesterday. I knew it would suck, but it’s being a total bitch. Thankfully, I can take something other than Tylenol for the pain now. Brownies help, too.

I talked to my IVF coordinator a little bit ago. She called to discuss my protocol for my FET. She’s going to mail me my calendar (Yay! A calendar) and my prescriptions, but I got the basic rundown over the phone. I’ll start birth control pills tomorrow. I’ll be using a different brand this time, so hopefully they won’t make me quite as sick this go round. I’ll be starting Lupron on 10/27 and Estrace on 11/12 if I’m suppressed at my baseline ultrasound. Then depending on how my lining does, it looks like my transfer will either be on 11/29 or 12/1. This is definitely a long protocol for a FET, but I’m glad to get the ball rolling again.

I also got my progesterone result back. It came back at 33. She said that was fine given the fact that I wasn’t pregnant at the time and the fact that I’ll be on an increased dose of PIO for my FET anyway. I also asked for for my beta number since all I got on Monday was “It’s negative.” My beta came back less than 2. That’s negative, all right.

I’m doing a lot better today. Every day is easier. It’s amazing how resilient the human spirit is. I’m sure I would be having a much harder time if I didn’t have this FET to look forward to. Of course I’m not looking forward to getting poked and prodded again, but I am looking forward to having a second chance. One of my online friends who also just had a failed IVF shared this quote with me today, “Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.” I like that.

I Think I Might Be Going Crazy October 7, 2004

I’m going a tiny bit insane these days. Not because of the IVF failure in and of itself but because of the hole it’s left in my daily routine. The past two plus months have been all about my IVF. That’s been my main focus. Now that it’s over I don’t know what to do with myself.

Even when I was just on the birth control pills, I was 100% invested in this IVF. I read IVF books over and over again, scoured the internet, read blogs and message boards, just immersed myself in it all. Then came the shots and appointments. I’m all about calendars and schedules, and IVF fit that bill. Every day I would have multiple things on my calendar related to IVF. Then of course came retrieval and transfer, and my was focus was on nothing else.

Now it’s all over. No more calendars, no more needle pokes, no more ultrasounds or bloodwork. Nothing to keep track of. I need to have something to keep track of. I need the calendars. I realize this is completely my fault for allowing IVF to take over my life, but I don’t think I could have done it any other way. It needed to be my main focus. It was too important not to be. Now I’m left with the huge hole in my life. Yes, I realize I’m a loser. So be it.

I’m trying to reintroduce little things back into my daily routine that I couldn’t or didn’t do while cycling. I’m back on litter box duty. While this is not a fun chore, it’s my chore. I’ve always done it. For years and years it’s been my responsibility. My husband took over after my transfer. Now it’s my turn again.

I’m working out again now. I stopped working out when I started stims, so it’s been over a month since I stepped foot on a treadmill. Now that I can take the glucosamine chondroitin for my knees again, I’m working my way back up to my 2.5 mile walks. It feels good to exercise again. I’m not one of those people who love to workout, but after not doing it for a while, it’s nice to get moving again. I should be able to keep working out this time around since stims aren’t involved in a FET.

I’ve also let my sweet tooth reign free the past few days. I told you that my no sweets phase would be out the window if this IVF failed. Saturday night, after we knew it was over, my husband and I made a run to Target for the two essentials: tampons and chocolate. We had to make another run to the store last night to replenish the snack supply. Oh, how I love Little Debbie brownies. Not the ones with the walnuts, the ones that they make for the different seasons and holidays of the year with the different colored frostings. Right now they have the fall ones out. Yummy. The sweets will once again be banned once my period comes and goes, but I need to have some tasty snacks right now.

Speaking of my period, where the hell is it? I realize it can take up to a week to show after a failed IVF, but I figured that mine would show sooner based on the fact that I was spotting before my beta. Guess I was wrong. As soon as I got the official call on Monday, the spotting stopped and has yet to return. Go figure. I guess it knows I’m ready to get the ball rolling with this FET, so it’s fucking with me.

So, I’m trying to do some things that I hadn’t been doing during my IVF, but I still feel the hole. I love to have a good project, and IVF is the ultimate project. So many details to keep track of, so many dates to fill in on the calendar. I’m not saying I enjoyed going through IVF. Quite honestly, it sucked big time, but it’s hard to adjust now that it’s over. I guess all of this is a sad statement on my life, but that’s just how things are right now. It’s so hard to have a real life when IVF is in the picture. I really need a new project so I don’t go insane. I guess I’ll get one if my period ever shows up. What the hell will I do if the FET fails? I guess I’ll actually have to get a life.

Is It Possible? October 6, 2004

Is it possible to grieve for a loss and move forward at the same time? I think so. That’s what I’m trying my damnedest to do right now. I think if I were someone on the outside, as opposed to living in my own head, I would wonder if I was in denial about all of this. I’ve kind of wondered that myself. I mean, I really am doing better than I expected. Sure, I still cry and I still hurt, but I feel this amazing resolve inside to keep on keeping on. Every day I feel a little less sad and a whole lot stronger.

I don’t think I’m in denial about this failed IVF. I think that goes back to a couple of things. First, I really tried to be mindful throughout this IVF that it might not work. Of course I hoped so much that it would, but realistically I knew there was a chance that it wouldn’t. Also, I really didn’t think we’d be lucky enough for it to work the first time. I mean, we really aren’t that lucky. Nothing just falls in our laps. Take my husband’s clerkship. This is the third year he’s applied for clerkships. He got a couple of interviews the first year, but nothing came out of them. His perseverance finally paid off this year. Not only did he have 15 judges call him for interviews, but he got hired for the clerkship at the top of his list. Luck doesn’t work for us. Perseverance does.

I guess another force working in all of this is that I’m impatient. I always have been. Waiting is just so damn hard for me. We’ve been trying to conceive for almost 3 years. A lot of that time has been spent just waiting. Waiting for doctor’s appointments, waiting for referrals, waiting to get test results, waiting for surgeries to be scheduled. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. It’s not like once we got my husband’s diagnosis we could just keep “trying” while we waited. Nope, that wasn’t going to happen. Well, I’m tired of it. I don’t want to take a break for no real reason. It’s just more waiting. It’s not like this FET is happening next week. I think it’s a 6-7 week timetable from the first birth control pill to transfer.

I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify my choices to the world. Why the hell is that? Maybe I’m just thinking out loud to make sure I’m doing the right thing. I know I am. Maybe this is part of my grieving process. Just getting all of this out there.

I do know that I don’t feel the need to wallow. I’m not shutting out my feelings of sadness, but I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. There’s a thread on one of the boards I post on entitled “I’ve got the failed IVF blues … want to join my pity party?” I know the woman that started this thread, and I like her a lot. I’m not poking fun at her need to be a part of that thread. Not at all. Everyone deals with a failed IVF differently, and that’s ok. I just know that being a part of a thread with that mentality is not what will work for me. Maybe I’m stronger than I ever knew, maybe I’m just insane. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be sad forever. Not over this. I can think of a million worse things than this. I’m thankful that I have a wonderfully supportive husband who is on the same page as I am, I’m thankful that I have three beautiful blasts waiting for me to come back for them, I’m thankful that I’m part of a community of strong, wonderful women, and I’m thankful that I’m able to keep going after my dream. How can I not push on with all of that?

The Day After October 5, 2004

I’m doing ok. I’m not going to pretend like this is a walk in the park. It isn’t. I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t shed a million tears. I have. But, I’m hanging in there.

I think a lot of that has to do with the support I’ve received from my husband. I know that infertility and IVF can do scary things to a marriage, but this loss has brought us closer together. Yesterday afternoon I received this email from my hubby:

I know it’s disappointing to hear this news; believe me, I’m disappointed, too. At least we have a plan, though. It doesn’t hurt as much when I realize that it’s not the end of the road for us. We still have a lot of options, and our chances are still really good. Hang in there! I love you so much, Amanda.

God, I love that man so much. He’s so right. This is not the end for us. We are a couple of bull-headed, determined people. One failure does not mean complete failure.

Last night my husband and I went out to dinner. It was so nice just to sit and talk and relax for a little while. The margarita was nice, too. (Haven’t had one of those in forever.) And you know what else? I think we actually smiled and laughed a little, too. I’m sure we both needed that badly. There haven’t been too many smiles floating around here lately.

I know some people think by moving right into Plan B that I’m not taking enough time to grieve or heal. I actually read a comment about me to that effect on a message board today. It wasn’t a mean comment, just a “I wouldn’t be doing that if I were her” type of comment. That’s fine. You know what? That person isn’t me. What works for me wouldn’t necessarily work for anyone else. I need to focus on being proactive and productive. I don’t want to sit around a throw a month long pity party for myself. I’m not saying that people don’t have the right to be sad, angry, and devastated after a failed IVF. I’ve been all of that and more. However, staying stuck like that will not get me any closer to my goal. I’m going to pick myself up by my bootstraps and march on. This is what I need to do. It’s good for people to take breaks. If I didn’t have the option of a FET, I may be taking a break right now, too. I don’t know. I do know that I’m doing what I think is best for me and my family. My husband supports me in this decision. That’s essential, too. So, I may be sad from time to time. That’s ok, but I am still the determined, stubborn girl that I’ve always been. That’s just not going to change.

I Usually Love Being Right October 4, 2004

But this time I would have loved to have been wrong. It’s official. I just got the call, and my beta was negative.

I woke up this morning and took another pregnancy test, not because I expected to see anything different, but because I wanted that last one gone. Of course it was negative. No surprise there. I then had to take my husband to work so that I could have the car to drive to my RE’s office. My husband drove on the way there, and I had to close my eyes and sing myself a little song about being in a happy place just so I wouldn’t throw up. Let’s just say that riding with my husband into downtown during rush hour is not my idea of a good time. At one point we were driving on part of the highway that had the white diagonal lines down it. Yeah, that means it’s not a lane, dear. Anyway, I survived all of that and went back home to get ready.

I made my way to the RE’s office. I was so dreading that trip. When I got there I handed over my credit card and asked if I could speak to my IVF coordinator after my blood was drawn. After waiting for a while, my IVF coordinator was actually the one that called me back to bring me back to the blood letting room. Of course I had to stop at the scale for the mandatory weigh in. 100 with my clothes on. Yeah, you could say it was a tough weekend.

Then I got to have my date with the phlebotomist. Man, that lady hurts me every time. I have a lovely bruise now. After she was finished drawing my blood, she asked if I was ok since I was shaking. I just said that I was having a bad day.

I then got a chance to talk to my IVF coordinator about everything. As soon as I started talking about it all, the tears started flowing. I got a big hug and continued with all of my questions. I let her know that I was sure of what the beta would show based on the spotting and negative HPTs. I asked if I could start the birth control pills for a FET with this period. She said I could and got me a pack. I also voiced my concerns about my transfer (remember my transfer from hell?). I told her that I would always wonder if that had something to do with why this IVF failed. I know we’ll never know for sure, but it will always haunt me. I asked her if they could dilate my cervix for my transfer for my FET, and she said that’s the only way we could do it. Hopefully that will help with the problems caused by the scar tissue and 90 degree turn in my cervix. I also let her know that I wanted to take Valium and a strong pain killer way ahead of time. She said that was fine, too. I asked if I had to have a follow up appointment with my RE before starting the FET, and she said that it was up to me. I do want to address my concerns with the transfer with my RE, but I really don’t want to have to go back for an appointment anytime soon, so I asked if I could just talk to the RE on the phone about it. My IVF coordinator said that could be arranged as well.

It helps so much to have a plan B. I know some people would never think about figuring out the details of a FET before they even got the beta results back, but this is helpful for me. I don’t want to wait to cycle again. It’s the waiting that kills me. I need to be proactive. Today I really needed to go in there and say, “This is what I want to do and how I want to do it.” I’m glad that my IVF coordinator agreed with everything I wanted to do. She’s fantastic and made today just a little bit easier for me.

So, I’ll be starting birth control pills again on day 3 of this upcoming period. I’ll get my exact protocol a little later, but I know it involves BCPs, Lupron, supplemental estrogen, and of course PIOs. I’m really thankful to have three frozen blasts, and who knows, maybe one of them is THE one.

I know my heart will continue to ache. I don’t expect to feel ok right away, but I do know that this will get a little bit easier every day. One failed IVF will not get me to give up my dream of having a child. Someday, some how, my husband and I will have a child. I don’t know how much more heartbreak we’ll have to endure to get there, but we WILL get there.

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