The Beginning of the End October 2, 2004
After yesterday’s line/no line fiasco, I decided to pick up a different brand of pregnancy tests from the store. I bought the Clearblue Easy digital ones. They seemed to be the answer to my line dilemma. They just show the words “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant.” Perfect. No line reading necessary.
So, on to my next task. Holding it long enough to test. I have to pee constantly thanks to the progesterone, so this was semi agony. I got up to pee at 1am and was then determined not to get up again for several hours. So hard. Anyway, I made it to 7:30 by sheer will power.
I went into the bathroom and assembled the nifty high tech pregnancy test. I was shaking so badly that I could barely keep it in the stream. I set the test on the counter and continued to pee for what seemed like forever. When I was done I peeked over and saw “Not Pregnant.” Not was I was looking for. I wasn’t completely devastated until I got to the toilet paper part of the event. Sure enough, I had started spotting. Fuck.
Then I heard from the bedroom, “So, what did it say?” I told my husband the news that neither of us wanted to hear.
I then went back to the test. Even though it’s a digital test, it still works like a traditional test with the lines. You just don’t see it until you pull the test apart. Well, of course I had to pull the test strip part out of the digital part just to see for myself. What did I see? Oh, yes. I very, very faint second line just like the tests yesterday. I mean it was beyond faint, but it was there.
The only explanation I can fathom from all of this is that I’m experiencing a chemical pregnancy. This would explain the fact that I have just enough HCG in my system to cast a shadow of a second line, but not enough for the damn test to utter that magical “p” word to me. I don’t know if this is what’s happening, but it’s the best that I can come up with.
I mean, seriously, if I were the illusive “p” word, I would have tested positive by now. I’m 11 days past a 5 day transfer. The average beta at this point is around 300. Home pregnancy tests start measuring at 25-50 depending on the test. Yeah, this isn’t looking good.
So, I will test again tomorrow morning and have my beta done Monday morning. To be quite honest, though, all hope is gone in my mind. I know people say that spotting does happen in early pregnancy, but everyone that I’ve heard of spotting right before beta has received a negative come beta day.
I’ve said all along that I wanted to know the results before beta day. I didn’t want some nurse calling me with the dreaded news while I was all alone at home one day. I wanted my husband to be able to wrap his arms around me and comfort me, and that’s exactly what he did today. But let me tell you, it is way too fucking hard to go from thinking pregnancy and baby thoughts one day to this the next day. WAY TOO FUCKING HARD.
- Posted in : IVF Part 1: IVF #1
- Author : amanda
Comments»
oh dear. I am so sorry. Though the news is not official, I understand what you are saying and thinking and feeling and I agree, this is SO DAMN HARD. I am really sorry. Prepare for the worst, I guess, and wait to see what your results are on Monday. I won’t tell you “you never know” because I know that doesn’t really help. It is okay to be sad and to feel sorry for yourself – you’ve earned that right. I wish I could do something to help. I really do.
Crap! I’m so sorry. It’s just so unfair. Thinking of you, sweetie.
Danae/Hardscrabble
Oh Amanda, I’m so sorry. Obviously we’ll all reserve final comment until the beta on Monday, but I know what a shit situation you’re in right now. I wanted to tell you a couple things about those digital tests, for what they’re worth: 1) They are not very sensitive. In fact, I’ve heard they’re among the least sensitive on the market. 2) I’ve known a handful of women who’ve taken them apart after getting the “Not Pregnant” result, and they’ve all seen that hint of a second line, regardless of whether or not they were pg. I know none of this helps you much, as none of it is conclusive in any way, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
I’m glad your hubby is home to take care of you this weekend. I’m thinking of you both.
*&&I^R&^%! I thought for sure you were PG! Although I, too, will reserve final judgment until your beta on Monday. God, I wish I could say I know how you feel but of course everyone is different. For what it’s worth, though, I have been where you are and it is a sucky place, to say the least.
-A
I don’t know what to say about the spotting… I’ve never had good luck when I’ve had spotting… but then you know my issues with my lining, so don’t go by what I say.
I CAN tell you that the digital tests…. are NOT sensitive enough to work this early. They’re to be used once you miss a period.. and for some they don’t work until around 20 DPO… I think they measure over 150 iu and you wouldn’t get to that point just yet unless you were pg with twins.
I’ve heard great things about the Answer early tests.. very sensitive.
So don’t give up!!!!
*hugs*
Brenda
Hi Sweetie,
I am still holding hope for your beta. I know you are upset and it would have been so wonderful to see a clear “YES”.
Take care and know that I am thinking of you.
Hi Amanda – I am thinking of you. Nothing is final until the beta result. Hang in there.
Hugs-
Nina
I just wanted to drop by and let you know that I am still thinking about you.
I hope you are doing okay.
Crossing fingers and toes and legs for you.
Just wanted to say that I’m sorry the first two tests didn’t give you more of a definite second line. That not knowing for sure really sucks–heck, pg tests suck in general! I’m holding out hope for Monday’s beta. You and hubby are in my thoughts.
Hello, I was reading the thing’s on here and wow am I glad I did. I am having the same issue! I’ve done about every test known to man, and I’ve done 4 clear blue easy digitals. I’ve had the same response, NOT PREGNANT but two lines one faint. I also took a non digital, which was a + or – and my friend and I both seen a VERY faint +. I then started bleeding a bit, so I’m not exactly sure whats going on.
Anyone offer advice forme?
Thanks