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parenthood after dealing with male factor infertility and multiple IVF cycles

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Trust Me When I Say It’s Over October 3, 2004

I know a lot of people say, “Just wait until beta” or “You won’t know anything for sure until beta.” That may be true in a lot of cases, but trust me when I say it’s over. It’s so beyond over.

Yesterday afternoon I made another pregnancy test run and got some more FREDs. I took one yesterday afternoon and another this morning. Not a hint or a shadow of a second line on either of them. I mean they were the snow white tests that I’m used to seeing. I definitely can spot a one lined pregnancy test. And if that wasn’t enough, the almost ignorable, barely there spotting of yesterday has turned into dark spotting requiring definite attention. Yeah, I’d say it’s over.

I will go tomorrow morning for my beta if only to make it official. The other purpose of that trip will be to see if I can find out how long I’ll have to wait before jumping into a FET (that’s frozen embryo transfer for you people who stumble upon my blog by googling things like “ballet slippers fets”). Yeah, I don’t know what that means either.

Yesterday was extremely hard, both for me and my husband. I’m grateful that we got to spend the day together, though. It’s so hard to be “normal” when you find out that all of that pain, mentally, physically, financially, was all for nothing. I mean IVF was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life. Each step was harder than the previous. God, it breaks my heart that it didn’t work, but I know that once the little pieces of my heart are picked up off the floor and super glued back into place that I will be a stronger woman for all of this. Oh, but how I wish this had worked.

Yesterday afternoon my husband and I went shopping to try to take our minds off things. We were both too depressed to buy much, though. Although my husband did manage to pick up a pair of $85 Ralph Lauren pants for $10. Bargain shopping is definitely a good thing when you know you’re going to have to shell out another few thousand to have another shot at the whole baby thing.

Life sucks and life isn’t fair and all of that. Really. Yesterday, I was fumbling around one of the IVF message boards that I read, and I went to check in on the under 30 message board that I post on. What did I find? One of my “cycle buddies” had just gotten back from her first ultrasound. Mind you, this particular group of women is made up of all first time IVFers. Anyway, her ultrasound showed twins. Two beautiful beating hearts. All I could think of was, “Shouldn’t that have been me?” I mean, don’t I deserve that as much as anyone else?

I always knew that having this IVF fail was a distinct possibility. I mean, come on, I’ve read enough blogs and message boards to know that this IVF stuff is a bitch. But I really thought we had a great chance at this. I have no fertility problems (that we know of) and my husband has good sperm (as long as they’re surgically removed from his body and used with ICSI). I responded pretty well, and we made great embryos. So much for having “perfect” grade 5 expanded blasts to transfer. Oh, and speaking of transfer, I really think that had something to do with this failure. I mean, couldn’t that have had a serious effect on either the embryos and/or my uterus? I’m sure we’ll never really know why this didn’t work, but we’ll always know how much it sucked.

Oh, and you want to know what else sucks? Having to bear the dreaded PIO injections when you know that your IVF has failed. The only thing that got me through those night after night was the thought of my future baby. Oh, it’s so hard to get stuck when I can no longer think such beautiful thoughts.

So, tomorrow I will wait for the call with the words that I never wanted to hear uttered to me. We will then try to figure out plan B. We know what it is (FET) but don’t know the particulars about when and what protocol, etc.

I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for their comments. I cried when I read each and every one of them. I never wanted to be the girl that got the “I’m sorry” comments instead of the “Congratulations” comments, but you know what, I think the “I’m sorry” ones mean a lot more. If I was in the place to receive congratulations right now, I don’t think I would need those comments nearly as much as I needed to read your comments yesterday. Knowing that those comments came from women who have survived this and so much more meant the world to me. Ok, I better stop writing now, because I really need to take a break from the whole crying thing, if only for a couple of minutes. I love you girls. You’re the best.

• Posted in : IVF Part 1: IVF #1
• Author : amanda

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