I Usually Love Being Right October 4, 2004
But this time I would have loved to have been wrong. It’s official. I just got the call, and my beta was negative.
I woke up this morning and took another pregnancy test, not because I expected to see anything different, but because I wanted that last one gone. Of course it was negative. No surprise there. I then had to take my husband to work so that I could have the car to drive to my RE’s office. My husband drove on the way there, and I had to close my eyes and sing myself a little song about being in a happy place just so I wouldn’t throw up. Let’s just say that riding with my husband into downtown during rush hour is not my idea of a good time. At one point we were driving on part of the highway that had the white diagonal lines down it. Yeah, that means it’s not a lane, dear. Anyway, I survived all of that and went back home to get ready.
I made my way to the RE’s office. I was so dreading that trip. When I got there I handed over my credit card and asked if I could speak to my IVF coordinator after my blood was drawn. After waiting for a while, my IVF coordinator was actually the one that called me back to bring me back to the blood letting room. Of course I had to stop at the scale for the mandatory weigh in. 100 with my clothes on. Yeah, you could say it was a tough weekend.
Then I got to have my date with the phlebotomist. Man, that lady hurts me every time. I have a lovely bruise now. After she was finished drawing my blood, she asked if I was ok since I was shaking. I just said that I was having a bad day.
I then got a chance to talk to my IVF coordinator about everything. As soon as I started talking about it all, the tears started flowing. I got a big hug and continued with all of my questions. I let her know that I was sure of what the beta would show based on the spotting and negative HPTs. I asked if I could start the birth control pills for a FET with this period. She said I could and got me a pack. I also voiced my concerns about my transfer (remember my transfer from hell?). I told her that I would always wonder if that had something to do with why this IVF failed. I know we’ll never know for sure, but it will always haunt me. I asked her if they could dilate my cervix for my transfer for my FET, and she said that’s the only way we could do it. Hopefully that will help with the problems caused by the scar tissue and 90 degree turn in my cervix. I also let her know that I wanted to take Valium and a strong pain killer way ahead of time. She said that was fine, too. I asked if I had to have a follow up appointment with my RE before starting the FET, and she said that it was up to me. I do want to address my concerns with the transfer with my RE, but I really don’t want to have to go back for an appointment anytime soon, so I asked if I could just talk to the RE on the phone about it. My IVF coordinator said that could be arranged as well.
It helps so much to have a plan B. I know some people would never think about figuring out the details of a FET before they even got the beta results back, but this is helpful for me. I don’t want to wait to cycle again. It’s the waiting that kills me. I need to be proactive. Today I really needed to go in there and say, “This is what I want to do and how I want to do it.” I’m glad that my IVF coordinator agreed with everything I wanted to do. She’s fantastic and made today just a little bit easier for me.
So, I’ll be starting birth control pills again on day 3 of this upcoming period. I’ll get my exact protocol a little later, but I know it involves BCPs, Lupron, supplemental estrogen, and of course PIOs. I’m really thankful to have three frozen blasts, and who knows, maybe one of them is THE one.
I know my heart will continue to ache. I don’t expect to feel ok right away, but I do know that this will get a little bit easier every day. One failed IVF will not get me to give up my dream of having a child. Someday, some how, my husband and I will have a child. I don’t know how much more heartbreak we’ll have to endure to get there, but we WILL get there.
- Posted in : IVF Part 1: IVF #1
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I hate it that you were right. I am so sorry.
It sounds like you have an excellent IVF coordinator.
Glad you have a plan B, and that you are able to start right away.
I am so, so sorry for today.
Menita
(lifesjestbook)
I am so very, very sorry. I’m glad you have such a wonderful plan in the works though. My heart is with you.
I’m so sorry to hear your news. I know your strength and perserverence will get you through. Much love to you…
Oh Amanda, my dear friend, I wish the news was NOT this. I cannot express how sorry I am for you. Additionally I am so impressed with your strength in the face of this news, and your determination to march forward with plan B. You are amazing, truly. Remember, though, it is okay to give yourself time to grieve - what you’ve gone through is so difficult and I admire you so, so much. Stay strong, girl. I love you.
I too, wish you had been wrong. And again I’m so sorry.
I continue to be amazed by your strength and determination, your ability to move forward with Plan B.
Like the above poster wrote, don’t forget that you are allowed to grieve and should take as much time as need be to do so.
I’m here, thinking of you. Please let me know if there’s anything at all I can do.
a big hug,
la gringa
I just got a chance to read up on my fav blogs today and saw your very sad post. I AM SOOOOOOO SORRY FOR YOU, DEAR! My heart is breaking right now . . . You know, I have been following your story and have wanted this to work for you so badly.
I am glad to hear that you are being proactive though. I will be praying that the upcoming FET will be the ONE. May you get your much-wanted miracle soon. Take care.
Oh no! I was so rooting for you. I’m so sorry.
Bravo for the conversation you had with the coordinator. Your strength and togetherness are amazing.
Did you see the movie “Monster”? Well, at one point she screams “What the f
uck does God want?!” You do everything right and a BFN– so wrong, so wrong. I’m sending you comforting thoughts since I lack the words.
marla
the middle way
I’m so sorry - damn that sucks.
I’m a big believer in the back up plan. We have our adoption homestudy done just in case.
Hang in there -
Dana
dmcclellan@carolina.rr.com
I just got home from work/dinner out/friend’s birthday celebration and went straight to your blog.
I’m so sorry that you weren’t wrong this time. But I can say that I’m glad you have a plan B and that its wheels are already starting to roll. Your IVF coordinator sounds like she’s on your side and that’s so relieving too, helps make things that much easier.
You are so strong and inspiring, Amanda. I hope so much for you, and send you much love.
Amanda, I’m so sorry that the bad news was made official today. IF is so painful to begin with, and then you have to deal with a kick in the ass like this on top of it all. That said, I am so impressed at your strength and resolve. It’s not just anybody who could march right in there and take charge of the situation before the beta results had even come back!
I’ll be hoping and praying that, next summer, you’ll be meeting one (or more!) of those little frozen blasts you have waiting for you.
Ugh. Like I said before, I am so, so sorry. That just sucks. Please keep us updated on how you are doing with all this.
-A
I’m really, really sorry. Email me if you want to vent, or just need a shoulder to yell on.
I’m thinking about you.
Karen/Naked ovary
Oh Amanda! I have been out of the loop for a while and I missed this post. . .
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
Thinking of you sweetie!
BabyBlues (thinkingback)