The Day After October 5, 2004
I’m doing ok. I’m not going to pretend like this is a walk in the park. It isn’t. I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t shed a million tears. I have. But, I’m hanging in there.
I think a lot of that has to do with the support I’ve received from my husband. I know that infertility and IVF can do scary things to a marriage, but this loss has brought us closer together. Yesterday afternoon I received this email from my hubby:
I know it’s disappointing to hear this news; believe me, I’m disappointed, too. At least we have a plan, though. It doesn’t hurt as much when I realize that it’s not the end of the road for us. We still have a lot of options, and our chances are still really good. Hang in there! I love you so much, Amanda.
God, I love that man so much. He’s so right. This is not the end for us. We are a couple of bull-headed, determined people. One failure does not mean complete failure.
Last night my husband and I went out to dinner. It was so nice just to sit and talk and relax for a little while. The margarita was nice, too. (Haven’t had one of those in forever.) And you know what else? I think we actually smiled and laughed a little, too. I’m sure we both needed that badly. There haven’t been too many smiles floating around here lately.
I know some people think by moving right into Plan B that I’m not taking enough time to grieve or heal. I actually read a comment about me to that effect on a message board today. It wasn’t a mean comment, just a “I wouldn’t be doing that if I were her” type of comment. That’s fine. You know what? That person isn’t me. What works for me wouldn’t necessarily work for anyone else. I need to focus on being proactive and productive. I don’t want to sit around a throw a month long pity party for myself. I’m not saying that people don’t have the right to be sad, angry, and devastated after a failed IVF. I’ve been all of that and more. However, staying stuck like that will not get me any closer to my goal. I’m going to pick myself up by my bootstraps and march on. This is what I need to do. It’s good for people to take breaks. If I didn’t have the option of a FET, I may be taking a break right now, too. I don’t know. I do know that I’m doing what I think is best for me and my family. My husband supports me in this decision. That’s essential, too. So, I may be sad from time to time. That’s ok, but I am still the determined, stubborn girl that I’ve always been. That’s just not going to change.
- Posted in : IVF Part 1: IVF #1
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I think it’s fantastic that you’re so positive about your next step! And your husband is so sweet. Best of luck to you.
Danae/Hardscrabble
Oh, Amanda. I am truly very sorry. I know there is not much I can say to make things better. I am so glad that you have a plan. That always helps. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.
Hugs-
Nina
I just wanted to add a note. There was never any question for us about beginning the necessary steps for our FET immediately. When we began IVF, we knew that there was some likelihood that it wouldn’t work. Of course we were optimistic, but we have both read too many accounts of failed IVFs to think that success was guaranteed. For my part, I think of the FET as a natural extension of the first IVF. Of course it’s disappointing—crushingly so—that we weren’t lucky the first time around. However, we have three little blasts waiting for us in the deep freeze. It doesn’t make any sense to me to wait around before giving those a try.
If the FET doesn’t work, who knows. We may try another fresh cycle, and if we do, we might decide to take a short break to reflect and recover before jumping back in. Our best approach right now, emotionally and otherwise, is to charge ahead.
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I’m really sorry that it didn’t work. It must be worth at least a million tears, multiplied times 100. If I were you, I’d be doing the exact same thing which is going on to FET. I couldn’t imagine waiting knowing that there’s some embryos waiting as well.
Who cares what other
people think. I think that it’s great that you remain stubborn after this much heartbreak.
Lots of love.
Your husband sounds like the handsomest beacon of strength for you right now…lean on him…hard, if necessary, and keep plugging our beautiful stubborn girl.
Amanda,
You are an amazing woman and I wish the best of luck to you with Plan B. Good for you for being so determined and strong. And lucky you for having such a loving and understanding husband.
Hang in there. You’re right. One failure does not mean ultimate falure. You will be a mom. And a great one at that.
You and your husband are the ONLY ones who can speak about what is right for you. I am so sorry this cycle didn’t work, and I am wishing you ALL the best for the coming cycle.
There is nothing, nothing wrong with being hopeful.
Love,
Mandy
(infertilityisfunny.blog-city.com)
Hi Sweetie,
I have missed you. Needless to say, I’m sorry you were right.
I think it is wonderful you have 3 great blasts to work with. That is a blessing. It is such progress to get to the blast stage and for you to have so many that got there is very promising.
As a side note, the Valium and Vicodin helped tremendously. The peak is at 30 – 45 minutes so make sure you don’t take it too soon. I think it will help you for your next transfer. I was out of it all day yesterday and am just now “coming to” but I am bedridden anyway so it doesn’t matter.
Take care and have a margarita for me!
Amanda I’ve been lurking at your site for a little over a week now, I was going to send you a comment the other day about not rushing into your next cycle, but after reading today’s post I’m glad I didn’t.
Our situations are a bit similar; I did my first IVF/ICSI in August (actually got my second period during your 2ww), it’s male factor for us as well (hubby had a vasectomy, got the boys out via PESA), I responded well to the meds (a little to well I had mild OHSS), we put back 4 3-day embryos, 3 more made it to blast and are on ice, the transfer was long and on the difficult side so I’ll always wonder about that, first IVF ended in BFN, I knew before my beta, Hope is a bitch and she had me going that day thinking just maybe…
Well because I had OHSS my doc recommended a 2 month wait before our FET, well that would put us smack dab to the start of the holidays, so we’ve pushed it off even more till early 2005. Mostly I have good feelings about this decision, it’ll give me time to heal (emotionally & physically), give me lots of time to get in shape, give my hubby and I some quality time together, and as a friend put it – I can party all I want over the holidays. So I’m into my second “off” cycle and how do I feel? I actually cried more the second time I got my period, it really surprised me how much I had pushed the pain aside I even made my hubby promise that no matter what we’d do the FET no later than February. I’m also totally bored and restless, after so many months of doctor appointments, googling, and blog reading, well now I’m just sitting around drumming my fingers thinking how many days till I can start this rollercoaster ride again.
So what am I trying to say here? Well basically I thinking waiting a month or two is a good thing, but the bottom line is how you feel about it. No matter what you decide it’s such a half-a-dozen of one six of the other type of thing, more than anything you and your husband need to do what works for you. I’ll be here reading, drumming my fingers (crossing the rest of them for you), and wishing you
nothing but the best.
-Anne
Like the others have said, you’ve got to do what’s right, and what feels right, for you. And it sounds like that is just what you and hubby are doing and that is simply fantastic.
I applaud your tenacity and am wishing for all the best this next cycle. You are awesome, girlie, and deserve every happiness….
Sending you lots of love.
you go girl – I think plan B and getting on it is key personally. I’m calling the adoption agency we’ve decided on the DAY I get my BFN and our homestudy is ready to go. I’m ALL about Plan B!
very very best of luck w your plan.
Amanda, I’m sooooo sorry about your negative. That just sucks. I know exactly how you feel about getting started again so quickly. I do that too… I want to get started ASAP after a negative. Trust me.. TOO much time between cycles will just give you time to think about what could have been or should have been or wasn’t.
Hugs and Love to you, girl.