Is It Possible? October 6, 2004
Is it possible to grieve for a loss and move forward at the same time? I think so. That’s what I’m trying my damnedest to do right now. I think if I were someone on the outside, as opposed to living in my own head, I would wonder if I was in denial about all of this. I’ve kind of wondered that myself. I mean, I really am doing better than I expected. Sure, I still cry and I still hurt, but I feel this amazing resolve inside to keep on keeping on. Every day I feel a little less sad and a whole lot stronger.
I don’t think I’m in denial about this failed IVF. I think that goes back to a couple of things. First, I really tried to be mindful throughout this IVF that it might not work. Of course I hoped so much that it would, but realistically I knew there was a chance that it wouldn’t. Also, I really didn’t think we’d be lucky enough for it to work the first time. I mean, we really aren’t that lucky. Nothing just falls in our laps. Take my husband’s clerkship. This is the third year he’s applied for clerkships. He got a couple of interviews the first year, but nothing came out of them. His perseverance finally paid off this year. Not only did he have 15 judges call him for interviews, but he got hired for the clerkship at the top of his list. Luck doesn’t work for us. Perseverance does.
I guess another force working in all of this is that I’m impatient. I always have been. Waiting is just so damn hard for me. We’ve been trying to conceive for almost 3 years. A lot of that time has been spent just waiting. Waiting for doctor’s appointments, waiting for referrals, waiting to get test results, waiting for surgeries to be scheduled. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. It’s not like once we got my husband’s diagnosis we could just keep “trying” while we waited. Nope, that wasn’t going to happen. Well, I’m tired of it. I don’t want to take a break for no real reason. It’s just more waiting. It’s not like this FET is happening next week. I think it’s a 6-7 week timetable from the first birth control pill to transfer.
I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify my choices to the world. Why the hell is that? Maybe I’m just thinking out loud to make sure I’m doing the right thing. I know I am. Maybe this is part of my grieving process. Just getting all of this out there.
I do know that I don’t feel the need to wallow. I’m not shutting out my feelings of sadness, but I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. There’s a thread on one of the boards I post on entitled “I’ve got the failed IVF blues … want to join my pity party?” I know the woman that started this thread, and I like her a lot. I’m not poking fun at her need to be a part of that thread. Not at all. Everyone deals with a failed IVF differently, and that’s ok. I just know that being a part of a thread with that mentality is not what will work for me. Maybe I’m stronger than I ever knew, maybe I’m just insane. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t want to be sad forever. Not over this. I can think of a million worse things than this. I’m thankful that I have a wonderfully supportive husband who is on the same page as I am, I’m thankful that I have three beautiful blasts waiting for me to come back for them, I’m thankful that I’m part of a community of strong, wonderful women, and I’m thankful that I’m able to keep going after my dream. How can I not push on with all of that?
- Posted in : IVF Part 1: IVF #1
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Amanda,
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I felt exactly the same way after my 1st failed IVF. I just wanted to “get back on that horse” as fast as I possibly could. I don’t know about you, but for me it was about that fact that feeling sorry for myself (of course I did a certain amount of that!) was not going to bring me any closer to my goal of having a baby. I would rather be out there DOING something about it.
I admire your attitude and understand you are not putting down anyone who reacts differently than you. As you said, everyone is different and everyone needs to deal in different ways.
Hang in there, my dear.
-Amy
Hi Amanda dear.
You are doing great. You are looking at all of the options and you have so many great options ahead of you, even if (God forbid) the FET doesn’t go as well.
You respond very well to the meds. You get your embies to a great blast stage which is a feat in and of itself.
You are young. You are strong. You are determined. It WILL happen for you. I don’t know when, but it WILL happen for you.
You were blessed to be prepared for failure. You knew that first IVF’s often fail. I never knew that. I thought I was getting the nuclear bomb and that it would work. It devastated me more because I had no cushion or back up plan. I thought IVF#1 was it. I had to talk my dear M. into doing just one IVF. You have a husband who will jump through as many hoops as you need to together. You are very blessed.
You are doing great and I am so proud of you.
The hurt never goes away, but the strength definitely increases as the days go by…
Keep your chin up, and remember…we all love you!!
Yes, you are right. You shouldn’t be sad over this for too long. You need your strength and courage to move forward because you do have 3 beautiful blasts waiting for you. I just know that one of them will end up being THE ONE or TWO. You will have your baby, Amanda. Never give up hope. We love you and we’re all pulling for you!