The Second Time Around October 14, 2004
I’ve been pondering whether going through IVF for the second time or more is harder or easier than the first time. I definitely have less questions this time around. The process is familiar even though I’m doing a FET for my second round. I no longer worry about whether or not I’m doing the injections correctly or if it’s ok to spot while on birth control pills. I no longer wonder what it will be like to be constantly poked and prodded or what the anesthesia will be like. I’m not focusing on as many on the tiny details, because I’ve been through it all before. It’s not like having one IVF under my belt makes me a professional or anything, but having gone through the motions once before leaves me with less questions for round two.
On the other hand, I now know how much IVF sucks. I never thought it would be a walk in the park, but I now have firsthand knowledge about how freaking tough it is. I can no longer be under the delusion that I won’t experience side effects from the drugs. I can no longer assume that transfer will be “one of the easiest parts.” I can no longer hope that I won’t experience the heartbreak that comes with a negative beta. I now know exactly what I’m getting into. I think that makes it harder to jump back into things. Having gone through it all only to watch it fail, makes it tough to just give it another college try. I think you have to be mentally tougher each subsequent time.
It was really hard for me to pop that first birth control pill Saturday night. Not because I don’t want another shot at this, but because I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that one little pill meant the beginning of another really tough couple of months. It’s really hard for me to face all of this again, to know that I have to make it through it all again. (Well, minus the stimming and retrieval parts.) Those weren’t the toughest parts for me, though. This is still going to be hard.
Last time I was excited. It was my first real chance at getting pregnant. I knew it might not work, but we had a good chance. Everything was new and interesting. The sense of anticipation throughout my whole cycle was unreal. Now, I’m just determined. I’m not excited. This is not neat and new. I have less faith that this will work for us than I did a few months ago, but I know that this is the only way we will ever have a chance at having bio children. So, I press on. I am trying my best to summon the mental fortitude necessary to do this again, because I no longer have the anticipation and adrenaline to get by on, but it’s tough.
To be honest, I really don’t want to go through it all again. I have no desire to feel like complete and utter crap for another two months. I don’t want to feel sad and down on the birth control pills, or loopy and moody on the Lupron, or not be able to walk from the PIO, or have to go through another transfer from hell. Sometimes I seriously doubt that I’ll be able to do it all again. Of course it will all be worth it if it works this time, but what if it fails again? Will it have been worth it then?
I’m trying to hang in there, but it’s tough sometimes. It’s hard to think about all of the women I cycled with that got lucky the first time around. Now they’re getting to watch beautiful beating hearts on the ultrasound screen while the only thing I’ll be seeing on the ultrasound is my lining. Maybe I’m just a total wimp, but all of this is so hard mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. So hard.
Ok. Enough feeling sorry for myself. I have no doubt that for me round two will be harder. It already is, but I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I have to do this.
- Posted in : IVF Part 2: FET #1
- Author : amanda
Comments»
You can and will you get through this Amanda. Even in our darkest toughest moments, we surprise ourselves. Somehow we find the strength within to get up, to keep going, to try again.
You are an inspiration…always remember that. And so very very strong.
i love you amanda…….you can do it. you are strong…….you have to……….it will be okay……you are doing fine. take the pills, swallow them and try to think good thoughts. you have great blasts and your transfer will be a lot better this time. hang in there
Going through one IVF would be hard on anyone- the fact that you’re able to even contemplate doing again is just further proof that you are a strong person. There is no way the word “wimp” could ever apply to you, ever. Not in a million years.
Wow, do I ever empathize with you right now. At least the first time, everything was “new” and “exciting”. This time, well, it’s not new or exciting.
But you made it through a tough cycle already and I KNOW you can do it again. You have such a great attitude and you are strong. Just keep repeating that to yourself every day when you take that pill. I… AM… STRONG!
-A
Well I can tell you that FETs are boring. You pop BCP’s… then you inject Lupron and take estrace and wait. wait Wait Wait… there aren’t 10,000 visits to the RE.. no probing every day… or blood sticks.
Find something to keep your mind off the next 7 weeks, because all you do it wait and pray. Trust me.
hello
Amanda,
I just read your posting and was wondering the outcome of your second time around. DH and I are currently going through our second round of IVF. When I read your post I thought to myself, WOW, did I submit this entry. You read my mind, my heart and my thoughts. Although this is one of the toughest obstacles I have ever had to face, I am determined to succeed. Screw luck, excitement, and anticipation. It’s all about determination and knowing that you did all you could to bring your own bio child into this world.
I won’t wish you all good luck because it’s not about luck. It’s about determination and the willingness to press on. Once it happens, and it will, you can look into your child’s face and know you did everything right. It was all worth it. It’s always worth it when you give it your all regardless of the outcome.
Hi Amanda,
I just completed my first cycle of ivf and i felt exactly the same as you. I never thought I would feel that bad. I have been trying for 3 years to get pregnant and got pregnant on my honeymoon. My first thought was this is easy. Then 2 weeks later I miscarried and havent fallen pregnant since. I have had my mother almost killed during this time due to a truck driver who ran the red light. Then my mother had a stroke and then I lost my job. Its hard to be positive and everytime I try everyone else gets pregnant. Those who didnt intend to get pregnant got pregnant. People would tell me to hurry b/c i am getting older. All I can say is dont give up b/c a baby will be worth it and hope we all get our babies soon.