I’m a Pathetic Mess October 25, 2004
Truly. I just suck right now. I don’t know what my deal is but all I can do is mope and eat. And I’m not stuffing my face with carrot sticks, either. Oh no, I’m talking junk galore. I’ve gained back the weight I lost during my IVF, which is fine, but at this rate I’m going to end up a balloon.
Things just haven’t been going well today. When I finally got my ass up off the couch to go put in my contacts and take a shower today around noon (see- pathetic) I lost a contact. That just pissed me off. I couldn’t find that sucker anywhere. Of course my cat came into the bathroom to help, so there’s no telling if she happened to step on it. I searched for quite a while but never found the damn thing.
Then when my husband called me from work today, he let me know that things are really starting to gear up for the arbitration that’s scheduled to begin in mid November, so after today I shouldn’t expect him to be home at a reasonable hour. Considering the fact that he normally gets home around 7:00, that means we’re talking about 9:00 at the earliest. More likely 10 or 11. This just so happens to coincide with the start of my injections again. Wednesday night I get to start injecting that drug I love so much, Lupron, again. It’s not like I can’t do them myself. I’ve done them before, and after living through the PIOs, I figure I can handle a tiny insulin syringe again. But to be honest, I love the emotional support that comes with a husband-administered injection. Mostly, I just don’t want to be alone all day and night. I’m sure I’ll go even more insane with my husband working 24/7.
Another thing that’s been getting to me lately is the infertility cyberland. What has been my world for months on end now seems different to me. I can’t post on the message boards that I constantly inhabited during my fresh cycle. I’m even having trouble posting comments on my favorite blogs. I still read the blogs and lurk on the message boards, but it’s becoming harder. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe I’m burnt out, or maybe it’s just too hard emotionally. I don’t know.
My body is also not at 100%. Part of that has to do with the whole eating thing, but there’s more to it. My knees aren’t doing well. I’ve been working out a lot, which is a good thing, but it’s been really hard on my knees. Not working out for a month during my fresh cycle along with cutting out the glucosamine chondroitin from my daily regimen has taken a toll. I’ve also been having trouble with headaches. This weekend I had the worst headaches of my life. I’m not exaggerating. They were horrible. They made me stop in my tracks, literally. I eventually had to pop a Vicodin, because I couldn’t take the pain anymore. That seemed to help, and (knock on wood) they haven’t returned since.
I think I need a vacation or something. That’s obviously not going to happen. Hopefully I’ll feel better soon. I really hope so. I don’t like this version of me. Not one bit.
- Posted in : various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
The moral support of having a partner around when you’re stabbing yourself in the thighs is more important than I ever wanted to admit — it’s rough to go through it even with someone cheering you on from the next room.
This stuff is really hard. I hope you feel better soon.
I know what you mean about posting, or the lack there of, I’ve been feeling very blah myself. I also hear you on the Lupron, I did fine giving it to myself for a while, that was until I “dinged” a never ending. Now I’m not so sure about giving them to myself anymore, having someone there to give you the shot or just to be there really is a big help.
-Anne
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, sweetie. I know exactly how you’re feeling, and it sucks so hard. It’s totally normal, and you have to let yourself wallow as much as you need.
Karen.naked ovary
Wallow away, my friend. Shower at 5pm. If you need a nice, hefty, sweet smelling shoulder, I’m h
ere for you.
Hang in there. I know it sucks. This can be very depressing and extremely stressful. Take all the time you need. Do what you feel like doing and follow that. You’ll be okay.
It sucks. Uh-huh. Take a break, if you need to. We’ll still be here when you get back.
Marla
Middle Way
Amanda, given how you are feeling, here’s a specially big thank you for posting some encouragement for my current cycle. IF is depressing, there is no doubt about it. Believe me, I have been exactly where you are. Try not to beat yourself up too much, it’s OK to be blue.
Kim