Even Scrooge Can Have a Good Day November 29, 2004
I have to admit I was tremendously grumpy and cranky during my family visit over the Thanksgiving holiday. I realized that I am feeling bitter a lot these days. I really didn’t feel like feeling all thankful and stuff this weekend (although I am keenly aware of all that I have to be thankful for). I’m tired, both physically and emotionally, of all this IVF crap. I really wasn’t up to hearing my brother complain about some tiny dentist bill while I sat there and mentally tallied up all that we’ve spent this year in the medical bill department and worried about repeating the same next year. I also wasn’t up for the 24/7 reminder that people who shouldn’t have kids do all the time that came with spending the holiday surrounded by my parent’s great-nephews (although they sure are a couple of cuties). It was good to spend time with my family, but it was a tough holiday.
Today, however, I have shed my grumpiness. My lining measured 8.9mm at my ultrasound this morning. Yay! I didn’t even care that I had to wait a year and a day to get called back. After my ultrasound I talked to my IVF coordinator about when my FET would be. Originally she said that they had scheduled it for next Monday, because apparently the lab doesn’t handle the FET stuff on the weekends. I’m really getting impatient these days, so I asked if I could just start my PIO today so we could do my ET on Friday. She left to check with the lab, and when she came back she said, “You got it.” So, my ET is scheduled for Friday at 10am. I’m done with the Lupron (hurray!) and start PIO tonight. I even got her to prescribe me some antibiotics so I don’t have to be paranoid about that situation. I am so glad that my lining decided to get itself in gear over the weekend. Now I can spend my time worrying about the next hurdle: having our embryos survive the thaw.
Shit November 24, 2004
My lining was only at 6 mm. It had to be 8. It had that lovely triple stripe thing going on, but it doesn’t matter because it was only 6. So, I have to continue on with the Estrace and Lupron and go back on Monday for another ultrasound. Best case scenario: my lining just needs some extra time and will be at least 8 mm by Monday, and my transfer will just be delayed five days. Worst case: I’m headed for the dreaded “C-word” ie. cancellation. I’m really not in the best of moods following this news, but hopefully my lining will get itself into gear and thicken up over the holiday weekend. It sure as hell better.
Standing My Ground November 23, 2004
As I’ve blogged about before, my husband and I have decided not to attend the big extended family Thanksgiving gathering this year. I told my mom a while back and thought I made myself clear about the whole situation. Well, when I talked to her on Sunday she asked, “Are you sure you won’t be going?” The question was asked in such a way that it was obvious that she was pulling the guilt trip thing on me. I wasn’t giving in this time, though. I replied, “Yes, I’m sure. It’s just too much this year.” I’m sorry, but the guilt thing is just not going to work this time. For once, I’m being selfish and protecting myself. I do feel a tad guilty, though. Not because of my mom, but because my husband will miss out on the Thanksgiving food that he finds so yummy. I could care less. I’m not really a fan of cranberry sauce, stuffing, pies, and such, but I know my husband’s a big fan of Turkey Day food. He’s reassured me, though, that he’s more than fine with the decision.
My brother emailed me today. He and his wife are bringing their beagle, Tucker, with them. He asked if I would mind walking the dog if we get to my parents house before the rest of the clan are back from the big shindig. I emailed him back to let him know that I wouldn’t mind. I then received a two page reply containing detailed instructions on how to walk Tucker including such items like how to clip the leash to the collar, what words I’m supposed to use before putting the leash on and while out on the walk, how to prevent Tucker from “walking” me instead of the other way around, how to give him a treat afterwards, what to do if he jumps on me, etc., etc. Holy crap. I’m just going to be taking the dog for a walk. Do I really need a two page manual on how to do that?
I really am looking forward to spending time with my family. I haven’t seen my two brothers in quite some time. It’s going to be interesting, though.
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On a totally different note, my paranoia is striking again. My RE does not prescribe antibiotics for FET cycles. It makes me nervous because I know a lot of people take them. I know one reason they’re prescribed is to prevent infection during ET, and since my ET could very likely involve jamming catheter upon catheter into my cervix, I’ve been wondering if I should ask to have some prescribed. So, for all of you experienced FETers, what do you think? Did you use antibiotics in your protocol and do you think I should ask about them?
Is It Wednesday Yet? November 22, 2004
I’m really not a patient person. I get very frustrated when I have to wait for something. This FET has been nothing but waiting, so I get antsy from time to time. My FET has been very similar to my fresh cycle in many ways, but there’s one difference that drives me crazy- monitoring. There’s virtually no monitoring in a FET. In a fresh cycle you get almost daily updates on how things are going in there. With a FET you get nada. I have no idea if my lining is doing what it’s supposed to. I really hope it’s cooperating but there’s no way to know until my date with the dildocam on Wednesday morning.
This waiting leads to a bit of paranoia for me. I’m a paranoid person to begin with, so it’s no surprise, but it’s still annoying. I’m the kind of person who has to double check that the door is locked and triple check that the oven is off. My worst habit is turning around to look at the apartment door to make sure no kitties have escaped to the outside world. I’ll literally turn around and look at the door 3-5 times while walking into the parking garage or down the stairs. I have good reason, but it’s still really OCD like behavior. When we lived in South Bend, Salvador managed to escape one time. I don’t know how we didn’t see him, but he went right through the door as we were coming in one day. Luckily the door to the apartment we lived in didn’t open right outside but to a common area shared by four apartments, so he wasn’t really outside. He finally scratched on the door loud enough for us to rescue him, but I think I was scarred for life from that point on. He, of course, was fine.
Anyway, back to the point. I had some Estrace left over from my fresh cycle that I had bought from Freedom Drug. For this FET I used that up first and then started on the Estrace I had gotten from the Target pharmacy. The pills are from different manufacturers and thus look different. I somehow convinced myself that the pills from Target were not really Estrace. I really thought that my cycle was doomed, because I was taking something other than Estrace. To be fair, I had a tiny reason to think this. When you fill a prescription at Target they give you a printout with various information including what the pill should look like. The description on my paper was different from what was in my prescription bottle. I called the pharmacy, and they double checked the main bottle and said it was correct. Nonetheless, this planted the seed for my later run in with craziness. My hubby came to my rescue, though. He found a picture on the internet of what the Estrace from that manufacturer should lo
ok like and calmed my paranoid fears. I now am focusing on something else to be paranoid over- whether or not our embryos will survive the thaw. There’s always something, isn’t there?
So, basically I’m going crazy from having to wait and wait some more. I’m really glad I’m in the home stretch now. Of course, even if I finally make it to transfer I’ll have to endure the dreaded two week wait.
Disclaimer: I fully admit that I am kooky, but I am not stressed out. So, no one use that darn “relax” word in the comment section, k?
It’s a Miracle November 19, 2004
My husband is on his way home from work right now and will not be going back until Tuesday the 30th. He’s actually taking a vacation, and he so deserves it. He’d been thinking about taking a few extra days off in addition to the two days he gets off for Thanksgiving, and it turns out that he’s actually going to be able to do it. The timing worked out really well. He called someone in the HR department to check on how many vacation days he has left, and he was told that it would probably be a good idea to take some time off. He’s been working at the firm since September of last year and has only taken three days of vacation. He can only roll over a certain number of vacation hours to next year, so he has a couple of days that he’ll lose if he doesn’t get out of the office.
This is a really good time for him to take time off. He’s been working so much lately that he really needs a break. Plus, it will work out well with the whole FET thing. He’ll be able to come with me to my ultrasound on Wednesday (he’s never been to one of those) and will be able to be away from work the entire day of my transfer (assuming everything goes as planned). This will be much better than last time when he had to run off to another state for a clerkship interview the day of my transfer. So, I get a week and a half of husband time. I couldn’t be more excited.
This Should Be Interesting November 18, 2004
I grew up in a pretty small house. Not tiny, but not large either. Our house had three small bedrooms, one tiny bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen/dining room. It was sufficient for the five of us, but it’s not like there was room to spare. My brothers shared a bedroom until I went off to college. I’m sure they enjoyed that. Having to share one bathroom was always a source of contention, especially when the three of us were teenagers.
Now that my brother and I have spouses, holiday time leads to an even more crowded situation in my parent’s house. The house will be even more packed this Thanksgiving. Imagine nine people sharing one bathroom. Oh, my. Somehow my parents, their two great nephews (who my parents now have custody of,) my brother and his wife, my other brother, my husband, and myself will all have to find a way to manage with only one bathroom for a few days. Should be interesting.
The sleeping arrangements get kind of tricky, too. My parents will of course sleep in their bedroom, and the two munchkins share a bedroom. That leaves one guest room and the living room. My husband and I have dibs on the guest bedroom, one of the perks of being the oldest. Plus, if anyone were to give me flack on that this year, I’d just play the IVF card. You know, “I really need to sleep somewhere comfortable, because I’m injecting my butt with an inch and a half needle every night.” Not that the guest bed is that comfy, but I’m all about having a little privacy. My single brother will get the couch, but that leaves my other brother and his wife. I think they might end up sleeping on an aero bed in the middle of the living room floor. It would make sense for someone to get a hotel room, but my siblings and I are too cheap to pay for a place to stay when we could stay at my parent’s house for free.
So, it will be an experience. I’m sure it will be fine as long as we don’t have a repeat of the Thanksgiving where we all ended up with food poisoning.
Yay! November 16, 2004
It’s a little after 6:00, and my husband is home. I honestly can’t remember the last time he was home this early. We actually get to eat dinner together tonight. Amazing. The arbitration for the case that he is working on was scheduled to go through Saturday. However, the other side petitioned the arbitration panel for more time, and they granted it. So, now they will not reconvene until January 3rd. It’s good in that he actually gets to stop working all hours of the day and night but bad in the sense that it’s not over. Now it’s dragged out into next year, but I don’t care right now cause my hubby’s home. (Although he’s currently in the bedroom playing on the PS2. At least we’re in the same zip code right now.) He’s still got to work a ton, but at least he’ll be home for dinner every now and then.
Salvador is continuing to get better. He’s eating and drinking completely on his own now, and his personality is starting to shine through again. He’s back to playing with milk rings, tormenting his sister, and helping with everything around the house. It’s frustrating that we don’t really know what was wrong with him. The more that I research online though, the more that I suspect we’re dealing with pancreatitis. It’s hard to diagnose, and there’s no real treatment or cure. I have read that feeding your pet a low fat diet can help prevent future episodes, so I think we’re going to have to try to find a low fat cat food that the furballs will tolerate.
So, things are looking up. Salvador’s getting better every day, and my husband’s big case is on hiatus. Now if we can just get this baby making thing figured out, I’ll be over the moon.
The Two Week Wait November 15, 2004
Of course the most notorious two week wait in an IVF cycle is the time between embryo transfer and the all important beta. However, I’m finding myself splitting this FET into a bunch of different two week waits. First there was the 2ww between starting Lupron and my baseline ultrasound. Then came the two weeks between starting Estrace and my lining check ultrasound (almost half way through this one). Today is the beginning of another 2ww. Assuming my lining’s doing what it’s supposed to, my transfer will be two weeks from today.
I guess it just helps to break this very long protocol into smaller, more manageable chunks of time. There have been several points along the way where I didn’t think I could make it through all of this. It doesn’t help that my FET protocol is over 7 weeks long from first birth control pill to transfer. I have to assume that since I made it through last week, which was literally one of the longest weeks ever, I can make it through the next 2 weeks. I’m actually feeling hopeful today. Not in the “I know this is going to work” sense but in the “I think I just might make it through this” sense.
After thinking about all of these two week waits that make up this FET in my mind, I’ve found that there’s one missing. The one that I’ve never experienced before: the 2ww between positive beta and ultrasound. I don’t know if I can wrap my brain around that one enough to actually think it could happen to me. Oh, how I wish it would, though.
Tears of Relief November 12, 2004
My little furry guy is doing better. (knock on wood) He hasn’t thrown up since yesterday at noon, and he has started showing some interest in food and water. Last night when he ate half a treat and then later when he drank some water from a dripping bathtub faucet the tears began flowing. I really wasn’t sure if he was going to make it this time. Just seeing signs that he was improving was enough to get me bawling. This morning he ate a little canned food and drank some water out of a glass. (My cats have water bowls but much prefer drinking out of people glasses.) I can’t even begin to describe how relieved I feel right now. I know we still have a ways to go, though. It’s tough to get a cat eating and drinking regularly after they’ve gone so long without doing either. It’s frustrating to know that we really don’t know what was wrong with him and so don’t know how to prevent this from happening again, but my focus right now is on getting him all better.
On a different note, I think I need to set up some kind of timer or alarm or something for my Estrace. I’m having a tough time remembering to pop my pills. It’s a lot easier for me to remember having to stick myself with a needle, not that I’m wishing that Estrace came in injectable form.
So, things are looking up a bit. My kitty is doing better, and I’m feeling a little better physically now that my estrogen levels are on the rise. Now if my husband’s case would just settle, we’d be set.
Disillusioned November 11, 2004
I’m beginning to think that I should have gone to medical school. After seeing Gross Anatomy in middle school I was sure that I wanted to become a doctor. I think a couple of things stopped me from pursuing that: I’ve always been squeamish around blood and especially needles, and more importantly, what I’ve always really wanted to do was become a mom of the stay at home variety. It’s kind of ironic that I’ve had to get over the whole blood/needle phobia in my quest to become a mother.
Anyway, my point is that I would really prefer to not have to rely on doctors so much. When I first started up with my RE, I really liked her. Now not so much. Part of that stems from the whole no mock transfer/transfer from hell situation, but it goes beyond that. She’s failed to help me. The same can be said about our vet. I really like her as a person, but I’m starting to doubt how much I like the whole veterinarian practice there. They haven’t helped my little guy get better.
It’s like you have so much hope that these doctors, who are viewed as so intelligent and all-knowing, will help you, will fix you, and then they don’t. I know they’re just people, but somehow I’ve hoped that they would be more, that they’d be able to work miracles or something. I don’t know. I guess I just don’t have as much faith in all of it.
Salvador is home. I picked him up yesterday afternoon. He is very glad to be back here, but he is not doing any better. He’s still throwing up bile and refusing to eat. I called the vet again this morning to discuss our options. I really want to give him more time at home. It’s obvious that nothing they’ve done there has really helped him. I know he’s more comfortable here, and hopefully I can get him feeling better at home. I tried to think of what the vet had done last time that she hadn’t done this time. The only thing I could think of was giving him antibiotics, so I asked her about starting him on those. I also wanted to give him some subq fluids at home, so he won’t get dehydrated. So, I picked up the antibiotic and the supplies for giving him fluids from the vet’s office this morning. I guess that’s one benefit of having to shoot up daily for IVF. There’s no way I would have felt comfortable sticking my cat with a needle pre IVF. So, we’ll just wait and see how he does. I really hope he gets better soon. I don’t want to have to bring him back to the kitty hospital, but will if I have to.
When I went to pick up the supplies the vet asked if I was comfortable giving him the subq fluids at home. I replied that my husband and I both have experience with sticking me with needles. She of course asked why, and I explained that we were doing IVF. I don’t have a problem with people knowing that, especially people that I know won’t require frequent updates on the situation. And then I got it, the “relax and it will happen” story. She told me how her mom had dealt with infertility for a long time and then got pregnant immediately after signing the adoption papers. She went on to talk about how infertility can sometimes be psychological. Don’t worry, I set her straight. I went on to explain the physical cause of our infertility. She was very nice about the whole situation, but it just amazes me how many people are stuck on these ignorant, uninformed notions about infertility.
So, I guess as much as I try to avoid people and the world at times, dealing with people lately has made it very apparent to me that my viewpoint has shifted a lot. Infertility and the medical treatment that comes with that has changed how I look at a lot of things, doctors included.
Good News and Bad News November 10, 2004
The good news is that my baseline ultrasound went well. My lining was thin, and I had no cysts, so I’ve started Estrace. I go back again in two weeks for a lining check.
The bad news is that my kitty isn’t any better. I called the vet after my appointment this morning and found out the latest. They really don’t know what is wrong with him. He vomited a little overnight, and he’s still won’t eat anything. They had to splint his leg because he was fighting with the IV. I know he’s just so unhappy there. The plan is for me to call the vet back at 4:00 and if Salvador has not taken a turn for the worst then I get to go pick him up. Now that he’s hydrated he might do better at home. So, I’m going to try to get him eating again here, but if he doesn’t show any improvement then I’ll have to bring him back to the vet. They’re going to leave his IV catheter in so that if I have to bring him back they won’t have to redo it. (He’s not fond of the catheter so they have to sedate him every time they put one in.) We’re also going to start him on Cyproheptadine which is an antihistamine that stimulates appetite in some cats. We gave him that when he was so sick last time, and it seemed to help.
I really hope he starts feeling better soon. I’m so worried that he hasn’t shown any signs of improvement yet. My poor kitty cat. Hopefully tomorrow’s post will be entitled “Good news and More Good News.” We’ll see.
Nearing the End of My Rope November 9, 2004
I spoke to the vet this morning about Salvador. After looking at his xrays last night it appears that he was very constipated. They gave him an enema and hooked him up to an IV. They also gave him a stool softener this morning. His bloodwork came back normal except that his liver enzymes were slightly elevated. He threw up again a little overnight, but the vomiting has decreased in frequency. He’s still refusing to eat, so that’s not good.
I went and visited him around lunch time. He was not a happy camper in the least. He hates being in a cage, and the IV was driving him crazy. I feel so badly for him, and it killed me to have to leave there without him once again. There’s no real way to know if the constipation is solely responsible for his current state, so the plan is to keep him on the IV today and overnight tonight and see how he’s doing in the morning.
I have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning, and you know what? I couldn’t care less. I’m so not into this cycle. I told my husband last night after I picked him up from work in the middle of the night (oh, the joys of not being able to buy a second car thanks to IVF) that I was almost done. I know it’s not the only thing that’s stressing me out right now, but this IVF crap is just wearing me out. My husband asked if I wanted to quit now and not do the FET. My response was that I do want to go ahead and finish this FET but that I really don’t know about anything past that. So, who knows what will happen if this FET fails. I just feel like I’m nearing the end of my rope.
I just keep telling myself that if I can just make it through this week that things will be ok. If I can make it through the next two weeks, things should be a lot better. I’m so looking forward to the end of my husband’s arbitration, and I’m also looking forward to making it through the rest of this damn FET. I’m also hoping that my sweet little furbaby will be home in a few days. I’ll feel a lot better if I can just get him home.
It’s really tough that all of this is happening at the same time. I really don’t feel well equipped to handle it right now. I just hope I don’t run out of rope before all of this is resolved.
I Can’t Stop Crying November 8, 2004
Salvador isn’t doing any better. He threw up bright yellow goop at 2:30, again at 3:45, and once again at 4:30. Shortly after 4:30 I called the vet. We discussed all of the options and decided that since apparently none of the medicines that he was given this morning were helping the best thing to do would be to admit Salvador to the kitty hospital. I was in tears before I even put him in the car to drive him back to the vet. By the time I was back in the car driving home without him I was bawling. Now my Lupron headache is magnified many times over.
The plan was to take an xray to make sure there’s no foreign objects in there, do some bloodwork, and start him on an IV. I got a call from the vet a little while after I had gotten back home. Salvador was putting up a fuss for the xray and the vet knew it would continue for the insertion of the IV, so I was asked permission for them to sedate him for these two procedures. This is no surprise. He had to be sedated when he got his IV the last time around, too. So, they’re going to do all of that, and the vet will call me back tomorrow morning to let me know the results of the xray and bloodwork and to update me on how he did overnight.
It breaks my heart in little pieces to have to leave him there. I know that he’s not going to get better just sitting around here, but I miss him so much. It makes me sad to think how alone and scared he must feel. I just hope they can find a way to make him feel better. I can’t lose him. I just can’t.
I talked to my husband after I got home from dropping Salvador off. I made a comment about how they better not charge me another $50 office visit fee since I had already paid that once today and another comment about how this will probably end up costing at least $1,000. My husband replied that it did not matter what they charged us as long as Salvador gets better. I love that man so much. We both worry about money in a lot of areas. It’s pretty natural given the amount of money we’ve forked out for all this IVF crap, but this is one area where money is not an issue. We just want our kitty home and healthy.
Oh, and I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but my period which was long gone decided to make a reappearance. I went to the bathroom after I got back from dropping off Salvador and bam, there it was again. Of course I was wearing some pretty, non-period underwear. Oh, the fun never ends around here.
Not Again
One of my cats, Salvador, is sick. Very sick. He’s being throwing up bile and refusing to eat or drink. These are the exact same symptoms he had last time. He got very sick back in July and ended up needing surgery. It was a very tough time, and I would really like to avoid a repeat of all of that. Here’s how things played out last time: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7. All of his biopsies ended up coming back normal, and he recovered well.
I took him to the vet this morning, and she thinks he might be suffering from pancreatitis. The thing about pancreatitis is that there is no real cure. They just use supportive care to try to get the patient through the episode. They gave him a shot of an anti-nausea medicine, a shot of a steroid to reduce inflammation, and some subq fluids. I’m keeping an eye on him and have to bring him back to the vet’s office tomorrow if he doesn’t show any improvement in the next 24 hours.
I’m really worried about him, and I’m a little worried about me, too. I don’t feel strong enough right now to be able to handle this on my own. My husband is still working 24/7 and will be until this arbitration is over (2 more weeks). It’s hard to be strong when I’m feeling down, but I will try my best. I know I need to be there for my little furry man. He’s my baby, and I’ll find the strength somewhere. I just hope he starts feeling better soon. It breaks my heart to see him feeling so ill.
“Please Let It Work This Time” November 6, 2004
I have been repeating that phrase to myself for the past few days. Hell, I’ve even said it out loud a couple times. I don’t know who I’m talking to. I know there’s no IVF angel out there waiting to grant requests. Maybe it’s just a way to get myself through this cycle.
I’m all about having a Plan B, but thinking about that backup plan is scaring the pants off of me. The thought of having to go through another fresh cycle is not appealing in the least. Having to fork out another $15K out of thin air, putting my body through pure hell again, and getting on that emotional roller coaster yet one more time is so overwhelming.
I don’t want to have to do it all again. I just want this FET to work so badly, yet I know that there’s a good chance it won’t. This IVF crap is so hard. Too hard sometimes.
I think that thinking about Plan B while doped up on Lupron is a bad idea. This shit is kicking my ass. Let me list my side effects: night sweats that leave me completely drenched, never ending headaches that I have dubbed “perma-headache,” feeling tired all the time, being SO moody, having such a fuzzy brain that I can no longer spell or think of the simplest words, being so cranky that I scare my cat, and I’m sure I’ve left off a couple. I’ve come to the conclusion that Lupron is nothing short of “evil in a bottle.”
So, I guess I should just trust that we’ve thought through our choices for Plan B while I was a rational, non doped person and trust that the decision we made to pursue another fresh cycle should this FET fail is the right one. I know that there will also be time to rethink everything should I enter BFN hell again. I guess I just need to focus on making it through this round and worry about the rest when/if the time comes. Hell, just making it through the current round is tough enough.
I know that no matter how much I bitch and whine right now about how hard all of this is, I will do it all again if I have to. Why? Because I know that giving up would be infinitely harder.
Holiday Plans November 4, 2004
We usually have a pretty standardized set of holiday plans. One year we spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my husband’s family and then alternate the next year. It’s worked well in the past, but this year is a little different. This FET is throwing some kinks into our plans.
I think we’ve figured out things for the most part. We’ll be going to visit my family for Thanksgiving. My parents only live 2.5 hours away, so that’s no biggy. And we’ve decided to do our own thing for Christmas. My inlaws might make the trip to Houston for New Years, but that’s still to be decided.
Besides the logistical issues for this holiday season, we’re dealing with some emotional issues as well. This isn’t the first holiday season we’ve spent dealing with infertility, but a lot has changed since last year. My husband has had two surgeries, and we’ve done one IVF and now are onto a FET. We’re different people than we were a year ago.
The holidays are going to be tough for me this year. I’m a big holiday person. Not so much holidays like Halloween or Valentine’s Day, but family gathering type holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’ve always liked having my family all together for those holidays. Things are different this year, though.
One thing that I’m having a lot of trouble with is the fact that my parents now have official custody of my cousin’s children. My cousin was brought up on charges of child endangerment and also failure to complete the community service that was assigned to him after a couple of DUIs. He’s in the National Guard and basically had two choices: go to jail or go to Iraq. He chose Iraq, and before he left he signed over one year custody to my parents. Who knows what will happen when he comes back. For the mean time, however, my parents are the guardians of these two little boys, ages 2 and 4. It’s really hard for me to visit them. It’s like a slap in the face. Here my husband and I are trying every trick in the book to get pregnant while my cousin and his wife, now ex, two irresponsible and incapable people, pop out unwanted children. It’s also hard for me to see my parents being parents to these young boys when we’re supposed to be the ones who are becoming new parents. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hold any of this against those two precious boys, but it’s a hard situation for me to be in.
My immediate family is going to my aunt and uncle’s house for lunch on Thanksgiving day. We’ve done this since my grandfather passed away a few years ago. My husband and I have decided not to attend this big family gathering this year. It would just be too much for me to watch everyone fuss over those two cuties. Plus, one of my young, unwed cousins just had a baby. I just don’t think I can handle all of that this year. Not to mention the fact that I’ll still be pumped up on FET drugs at that point.
So, I decided to tell my mom that we wouldn’t be joining the rest of my family for that portion of the holiday. I knew this was not going to be an easy task, because my mom is really good at guilting me into doing things. Plus, I usually try to make everyone happy. I wasn’t going to back down on this, though. I told her very directly that we wouldn’t be going. She asked why, and I told her that it would just be too much for us to handle right now. And that was that. She didn’t try to talk me into it or push the issue in any way. So, we’ll be driving in on Thursday afternoon to be there in time for dinner with my immediate family. That’s assuming my lining cooperates, and I don’t need another ultrasound the day after Thanksgiving. I guess we’ll just cross that bridge if we come to it.
As far as Christmas goes, it will depend a lot on what my beta in mid December brings. Either way, I think we’ll definitely stay home for Christmas morning. I just don’t think I can handle watching those two little boys open presents while sitting there thinking that I should have a little one there participating in all of the fun. We may go visit my family later, but I guess it all depends on the outcome of this FET.
It’s hard that infertility and this FET are determining so much of the upcoming holidays. I wish it wasn’t that way. I’m sure there are a number of people out there who could be a bigger person in my situation, but I really need to be in self preservation mode right now. Who knows, maybe we’ll be celebrating come Christmas time, but if not, it will help knowing that we won’t have people expecting us to join in the festivities. I’ve tried to be mindful of a particular sentiment throughout all of this infertility stuff, and it applies here as well: Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
It’s Nice to Have a Plan November 2, 2004
My period showed up this morning. It’s amazing how differently my body responds to different kinds of birth control pills. During my fresh cycle, I spotted during the last week and a half on the BCPs and then didn’t get a real period until starting stims. This time I had no breakthrough spotting, even after switching brands mid cycle, and my period came pretty much right on schedule.
So, I talked to my IVF coordinator today about the rest of my cycle. When I got my FET calendar a while back, my baseline ultrasound was scheduled for Friday, 11/12 with my lining check ultrasound scheduled for 11/26, the day after Thanksgiving. Well, this was going to throw a kink into our holiday plans, so I asked if I could have my baseline done on Wednesday the 10th instead. I mean, I will have been on Lupron for 13 days by that point, so I figured that would suffice. My IVF coordinator said that would be fine, so now my second u/s is scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. Much better. So, if my lining cooperates my transfer will be on 11/29. It’s nice to have a schedule. It makes me think I might actually be able to make it through all of this.
I also talked to my coordinator about my transfer. We discussed that my RE and I had decided to do my transfer under anesthesia. I found out that it will cost $500 extra which is well worth it in my mind. I also found out that my husband will still be allowed in the transfer room. I wasn’t sure about that one, but I’m glad he’ll be able to be there even though I’ll only be halfway there.
I’m feeling a little better today now that I have the plan nailed down. Of course things can still change. None of this can really be planned out completely, but it’s nice to at least have some tentative dates. 27 days. I can make it 27 more days.
Major Meltdown November 1, 2004
There are some days when I just don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next month. Today is one of those. Lupron fucking sucks.