Another Year December 31, 2004
For us, the end of 2004 brings with it the end of year three of trying to conceive. I can’t believe we’ve been at this for three years. I really can’t remember what it was like during those months of believing it could actually happen easily. I’m just so far removed from that now, but I imagine that we entered 2002 with a sense of excitement and anticipation. Now we’re entering 2005 with what? I don’t know. It sure isn’t excitement or anticipation. Maybe it’s resilience and strength.
2004 was a tough year. I entered the year trying desperately to wrap my mind around the whole “no sperm” concept. We had been dealing with the diagnosis for less than two months. The beginning of the year was filled with appointments and tests. April brought my husband’s testicular biopsy. I can remember being so excited when his doctor came out after the surgery to let me know that they had found sperm. I remember him saying, “Your husband will father biological children.” Um, I guess that’s yet to be determined.
Along came June and my husband’s second surgery. We were so hopeful that it would give us the answer we’d been longing for. If the surgery had been successful we would have had a good shot at having kids the old fashioned way. However, the extent of the blockages was just too great to be able to be repaired surgically. One of the hardest parts of all of this infertility crap was having to tell my husband, while he struggled to wake up from the anesthesia, that the surgery had not worked. I just sat there next to him and cried.
After we got adjusted to the fact that IVF was our only hope at bio kids, we had our IVF consult in July. I started birth control pills for IVF #1 on August 1st. The cycle seemed to go so well until we got to September 21st, transfer day. Lo and behold, apparently my cervix is a bitch. Even after a hellish transfer we held onto hope that our “perfect” blasts would bring us to the place we had been dreaming of. It was not to be, however. November and December were occupied by our FET cycle, the results of which brought a black cloud over the holiday season.
So, here we are, about to start a new year and a new IVF cycle. It’s sure been an interesting ride. I’ve changed a lot over the past year, some for the good and some for the not so good.
I’m not going to even pretend that the past year has been easy. It hasn’t been, and quite frankly, a lot of it sucked, but I do have a lot to be thankful for. I’m so thankful that my relationship with my husband has gotten stronger throughout all of this. Dealing with infertility has brought a whole new dimension to our relationship. I’m also thankful to have met so many amazing women. How the hell would I have gotten through this year without you guys?
I’ve watched a lot of my friends go through unimaginable heartbreak this year, but I’ve also watched a ton of them experience true joy. I hope that 2005 brings us all the strength to deal with the inevitable heartbreaks and the ability to truly immerse ourselves in the joy that will hopefully shine upon us all.
One Hell of a Pick Me Up December 29, 2004
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been having a tough time lately. I’ve been having a very difficult time getting psyched up for round three. I’m tired of IVF. Quite honestly, I don’t want to have to go through it all again. Who really wants to do IVF anyway? But I know that it will never work if we don’t try again.
I discovered rather quickly that the whole “let’s not speak of IVF for two weeks” thing was not going to work for me. I’m a talker. Having things pop up in my head and not being able to let them out was not a good thing. In an ideal world I would love to not have to think about IVF or talk about IVF at all, but like it or not, this is a significant part of our lives right now. It does no one any good to just pretend like it’s not happening.
So, as I mentioned things have been tough. Really tough. Today, however, right when I needed it desperately, I got an awesome pick me up. I got my IVF calendar in the mail yesterday and had a few questions, so I left a message for my IVF coordinator this morning. When she called me back this afternoon she had the most wonderful news. Someone had just donated two Ovidrel trigger shots, a 450 IU Gonal-F Multidose, and a 1200 IU Gonal-F Multidose. She immediately set them aside for me. Do you know how much money that’s going to save us? A lot. It’s just fantastic news especially considering the fact that I’m going to be using a lot more stims this cycle.
It’s amazing how just when you’re feeling lower than low that something can come along and turn it all around. Sure, I’m still not looking forward to going through this crap again, but it sure is nice to have some good news for a change.
The Latest December 27, 2004
I really don’t know where to start today. I’m in a weird mood. I guess I’ll start with Christmas. I survived. That’s about all there is to say. It wasn’t very merry. In fact it was quite a sad holiday for me. I managed to get talked into going over to my parent’s house in time for Christmas dinner instead of just going on Sunday.
By the time Sunday afternoon had rolled around, I was so ready to get out of there that I couldn’t stand it. The theme of the weekend was definitely kids. My mom talked about the great-nephews constantly, my brother and sister in law talked on and on about her nephew, and I got the updates about all the people who I know who are pregnant or who have just had kids. UGH! You would think that people could show a little restraint. Anyway, we finally made it back home last night after a hellish drive home that included sitting on the interstate for an hour waiting for a wreck to be cleared.
My IVF coordinator called this morning with the plan for round three. I’ll be doing the standard Lupron protocol again, but I’ll be on an increased dosage of Gonal-F. Repronex will also be thrown into the mix this time. I’ll be doing the whole transfer under anesthesia thing again since that seemed to help last time. My estimated date for retrieval is February 2nd, which I had already predicted. It’s pretty sad when you can write out your IVF calendar including the Lupron start date, baseline ultrasound date, stim ultrasound dates, and estimated ER and ET dates before anyone from your RE’s office says a word.
It’s been a very tough time emotionally in our household recently. How could it not be? It’s hard to deal with this crap constantly. I took my first birth control pill for our first IVF cycle on August 1st. We’ve done nothing but cycle since. I don’t feel a need to take a break from actually cycling, but my hubby and I have agreed on something. We will not discuss IVF for the next two weeks. There’s no reason to, plus we need that mental and emotional break. We’ve decided to do this next cycle, but there’s no reason to obsess over it, especially since we haven’t even started the injectable portion of the event yet. I’ll still be blogging and posting on message boards, but I think it will be nice to take the focus of our marriage off IVF if only for a little bit.
This Is Harder Than I Expected December 23, 2004
It’s not like I haven’t been down the failed IVF road before, but I didn’t expect this time to be this hard. It wasn’t initially. I had an easier time with the negative HPTs and beta this time around. Don’t ask me why, but I did. The aftermath, however, is a different story.
I’m feeling like shit. I guess it’s to be expected since the hell that is the post failed IVF period is currently upon me. Man, it sucks. I can’t wait for it to be over. I’m sure the fact that I’m eating ice cream all day long isn’t helping things either. I’ve been working out every day this week, but I’m sure it’s not enough to combat the amount of ice cream that has entered my body.
Besides feeling like crap physically, I’m having a tough time emotionally. I’m sure part of that has to do with the fact that all of this is happening pre-Christmas. It’s not a particularly good time to go through this, but I guess there never really is.
It’s harder this time because I’m staring down the road at another fresh cycle. Last time I knew that we could do a FET with our frozen embryos. Not that a FET is a walk in the park, especially when Lupron’s involved, but this is different. It’s just so much more expensive. The financial part of all of this is tough. It’s tough to spend that kind of money when you know perfectly well that you may have nothing other than a broken heart to show for it.
I hate that I’m feeling bitter, but I am. It hurts to read about all of the recent pregnancies out there. Not that I’m not happy for all of my friends in blogland and on message boards, but it’s just another reminder that it’s not me. I don’t want to be jealous when I see moms out walking with their little ones in strollers or get pissed when I get those Christmas family photos in the mail, but I just can’t help it.
I’m really not looking forward to going to my parent’s house on Sunday. It’s going to be so hard to see the rugrats (ie. my parent’s great-nephews) reveling in the whole Christmas thing. It’s also hard, because as much as my family loves me, they just don’t get it. How could they? They haven’t been through this IVF hell. I know that no effort will be made to keep the focus anywhere but on the little guys. That’s just how it always is, and it’s going to be especially tough this trip.
I know that I will survive Christmas. I know that I will survive this next IVF, but damn it, this is so fucking hard.
“It’s a Menstrual Miracle” December 22, 2004
Those were the exact words that I uttered to my husband this morning. My period finally showed, taking a mere 7.5 days after my last PIO injection. I have directed the period fairy to make a beeline for those in need, but I don’t think she takes directions well. I did my best, girls.
So, I get to start birth control pills on Christmas Eve. What a fantastic Christmas present. Speaking of presents, I am so not into all of that this year. I have no desire to do the whole gift opening thing. Santa screwed me over on the only thing I wanted, so what’s the point. Yesterday my brother called me to ask what my husband and I wanted or needed for Christmas (leave it to the men to wait til the last minute). My reply was, “Either 15K or a baby, whichever you come across first.” Not so tactful an answer, but what the hell.
At least I get to start preparing for round three instead of constantly looking back on this failed cycle. It’s a small consolation, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.
Has Anyone Seen My Period? December 21, 2004
Seriously. The darn thing is missing. My last PIO injection was Tuesday night. That’s right, a week ago. After my fresh cycle, I got my period four days after my last PIO. Obviously that didn’t happen this time. I’m definitely ready for it to show up. Until then I am still in the midst of this failed cycle. Once it shows, I can start birth control pills on day 3 and get started on this next cycle.
Speaking of PIOs, my left glute is still tremendously sore. I can’t lay on that side. I can’t lean up against anything with that side. Hell, I can’t even touch that side. I figure things will finally settle down in the soreness department just in time to start the darn PIO torture once again.
So, I guess I’m in limbo, both cycle wise and Christmas wise. I’m still not totally sure what to do about the whole Christmas situation, but I guess we’ve come up with what’s going to happen. We’re going to stay in town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and just enjoy each other’s company. No Christmasy stuff, just hanging out. We’ll then go to my parent’s the day after Christmas for a few hours. It’s only a 2.5 hour drive each way, so it won’t be too bad. I really don’t even want to make the trip at all, but I know that would cause all kind of trouble. So, we’ll bubble wrap our hearts and make the trip. It’s definitely not what I would have chosen to do for Christmas, but then again I wouldn’t have chosen to have my heart broken, either.
Conflicted December 18, 2004
I don’t know what to do about Christmas. I really feel the need to escape for a little while, but it seems that going to California is out. Even if we could find decent flights at this late date, and even if we could convince the inlaws to pay for them, my husband can’t take off enough time from work to make flying across the country worthwhile. We’ve thought about just going somewhere within driving distance, but I can’t think of anywhere I’d want to go near here. Plus, there’s always the $ factor. Going somewhere on our own would entail opening up our own checkbook, and since we’re trying to save up another bigillion dollars for this next fresh cycle it’s hard to justify the expense.
So, it looks like our choices are to either lock ourselves in the apartment and pretend that Christmas doesn’t exist this year or to go spend a little time with my family. I would like to spend time with my family, but there’s one problem. I’m not sure I can handle the constant reminder of the unfairness of our infertility that comes with seeing my parent’s great-nephews. I know for sure that I wouldn’t be able to handle the whole present opening thing. I know that I’d be mourning the fact that I should have a little one enjoying the whole experience this year.
One of the reasons I really wanted to go to CA to spend time with my husband’s family is that there would be zero focus whatsoever on kids. There would be no kids there, no one would be talking about kids, etc. I’m just in a fragile place right now. I need to protect my heart.
So, do we go visit my family and try as best as possible to wrap our hearts up in bubble wrap before we leave? Or do we just stay here? I don’t know. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I feel like if I avoid it all together then the infertility wins. I think missing out on all the Christmasy stuff will make me feel worse. The dilemma lies in where to go to experience all of that Christmas stuff. We don’t have a tree or any other decorations. Once again, trying to pinch pennies. I know my family would love to have us spend time with them and would be upset if we didn’t, but I really don’t know if I can handle the kiddos. Well, I guess I could handle them, it’s just that the focus of everything would be on them and not the family as a whole. I really do want to go to CA, but I don’t think it’s possible. Ugh. Decisions, decisions. Hopefully we’ll figure something out.
Eyeing the Valium December 17, 2004
I feel like crap. My hormones are crashing, and I’m experiencing some hard core PMS. Thankfully there’s a Valium hiding within my IVF drug stash begging to be taken. You see, since I had my transfer done under anesthesia this time I couldn’t take the Valium. This is very convenient for the aftermath of the BFN. The Valium didn’t do much for me during my first transfer, but hopefully it will take the edge off of my cramps from hell and overall shitty mood. We shall see.
Bad Mama
I did my best to make sure my husband had a good birthday despite the circumstances of the week. I did numerous things to help celebrate his bday, one of which was to buy “Happy Birthday” balloons and display them around the apartment. Sounded like a good idea at the time. At the end of the day I popped all of the balloons and threw all of the pieces into the trash. At least I thought I did.
Last night it became obvious that someone had had some fun in the litter box. I had seen Salvador go into the kitty bathroom (yes, our cats have their own bathroom) and apparently he did not do the best burying job in the world as evidenced by the stench flowing down the hallway. I went to go attend to the situation when I noticed a bright orange poop in the litter box. What the hell? Upon further investigation, I discovered that there was a big piece of orange balloon along with a smaller piece of blue balloon in my cat’s poop.
Talk about a serious guilt trip. I felt like the worst kitty mama in the world. I guess I dropped a couple of pieces of balloon on the way to the trash and my crazy cat felt the need to eat them. I’m just glad they came out the other end. We do not need another thousand dollar vet bill right now.
While feeling like total crap for allowing this to happen I told my husband, “This is why we can’t have kids. I would end up killing them.” I don’t really believe that, but man, I felt like such a bad mom. Salvador has already forgiven me, though. What would I do without my furballs? Not only are they a source of constant entertainment, they are the best buddies.
I have learned my lesson. We’ve added balloons to the list of things that are not allowed in the apartment. I guess the fun never ends.
0-2 December 15, 2004
It’s official. My beta was negative. Again. Fuck. I knew it was coming, but it still sucks so damn much.
We’ve still got some fight left in us, though. I’ll be starting birth control pills again once my period shows up in order to do another fresh cycle. Is this what I hoped for when I started on this IVF roller coaster? Hell no, but I’m not ready to move on. We’re not ready to move on. We’ve got to try again. Sure, my checkbook is trembling away, my body is dreading the torture, and my heart is so fragile after being broken yet again, but I just can’t give up right now.
So, it looks like the IVF saga of Manana Banana will have at least one more chapter. Who knows if or when it will ever have a happy ending, but the hope that it might one day is enough for me to keep trying, at least one more time.
I want to thank all of you, my blogging friends, for your kind words. Knowing that a lot you guys have been through this and so much more helps to remind me that I have the strength to keep going, too. Thanks for the inspiration.
28 Years Ago Today… December 14, 2004
My husband was born. I am so thankful, because I cannot imagine my life without him. I can’t predict how all of this IF/IVF crap will eventually turn out. Maybe we’ll get lucky next time. Maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll decide that adoption is the right choice for us. Maybe we won’t. There are a lot of maybes in our future, but one thing is absolute. I know that no matter what happens in the future, I will face it hand in hand with my husband. We are a rock solid team that nothing, not even the biggest challenge of our lives, will ever weaken. I know that I will be able to face anything as long as I have my husband by my side, and I have no doubt that there’s no other place he will ever be. I love you with all of my heart, Dan. Thank you for being my rock through all of this. I couldn’t have made it without you.
Fuck You Fortune Cookie December 13, 2004
Saturday my husband and I went out for Chinese. When we were done eating I opened up my fortune cookie and found the following fortune:
Your trouble will cease & fortune will smile upon you.
I was so excited. I just knew it had to be a sign. I even saved the damn thing. I never save those things.
Well, I broke out the FREDs yesterday morning, and you guessed it, I had one fucking line staring back at me yet again. I guess you must have to ask for the special two lined version from the back of the store or something, because I keep getting the not so good one lined ones. I tested again this morning (10dp5dt) and of course it was negative again. I didn’t expect anything different.
I didn’t blog about this yesterday, because I really couldn’t here stuff like “You never really know until beta.” Trust me, if I haven’t gotten a positive by this point, I’m not going to. I’ve walked this road before. But, I decided I owed it to all my blogging friends who have been there for me through all of this and to myself to get all this out there.
I know that rarely in similar circumstances there are miracles that occur. I’ve heard of the people who never got a positive HPT even after their positive beta, and I’ve heard of the people who started out with a super low beta and are holding their little ones right now. That kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me, though.
I really don’t get why we’re so unlucky. We’ve transferred five excellent quality blasts (2 last time and 3 this time) with nothing to show for it. We’ve put ourselves through so much and nada.
So, it’s out there now. I’m going to ask you guys a favor if you don’t mind. Please don’t get my hopes up. I have zero hope for this cycle, and that’s how it needs to be. It makes for a softer landing. I will go in for my beta on Wednesday even though I know I’m not going to like the resulting phone call. I’m not asking for you to give up hope. I know how much harder it is to give up hope for someone else than it is for yourself. At least it always is for me. So, hope all you want, just keep it a secret from me, ok? I really do love you guys for hoping when I can’t, but I’m already starting to accept the outcome of this cycle, and I need not to backtrack in that process. I need to start healing and start moving on.
I really am pissed at that damn fortune. I think I’m going to burn it.
Flip Flopping December 10, 2004
I’m suffering from a major case of “I want to know right now/I never want to know” syndrome. One minute I think it’s going to take a safe or something to keep me from the HPTs, and the next minute I’m ready to throw them out. I really do want to know if this worked. I just don’t want to find out that it didn’t.
I’m just really afraid to get that negative again. I’m afraid to feel that sad again. I’m afraid of the thought of doing IVF yet again.
There’s seems to be a lot of people getting pregnant all around me right now, in the blogworld, the message board world, the “real” world. I guess some people would look at that as a good sign, but I’m having trouble doing that. All I can think is that there’s no way
that luck will continue for me.
This is hard. It doesn’t help that I’m jacked up on hormones. I guess one of these days I’m going to have to face the music and find out my fate. The thought of another failure is looming over me big time, but that teeny tiny voice inside me that pops up every great once in a while to remind me that there is a chance, even if it’s a small one, that this could have worked is enough to get me to face this head on.
6 Days Down, 6 Days to Go December 9, 2004
I’ve survived half of the wait between transfer and beta, but I know the second half will be much tougher. I’m starting to get a little antsy. I just want to know. Is that really too much to ask? I had fleeting moments of hope during the first few days following transfer, but not so much now. I want this to work so badly, but really what are the chances? Statistically we know that they’re not fabulous. Less than 50% to be sure, but that’s not taking into account the luck factor. You can add a big fat zero to that part of the equation. That’s got to bring down our odds significantly.
I’ve been feeling like total crap the past few days. I wanted to blog yesterday, but I just couldn’t. I kept having to go lay down throughout the day. This progesterone is really kicking my ass. This big FET worthy dose of PIO is just bringing me down. I’m so beyond tired that’s it’s unbelievable.
Of course I’m all up for feeling like total crap if it means anything, but we all know that “symptoms” during the two week wait are total bullshit. I hate not being able to trust my body.
Last night my husband and I had a quick HPT conversation that went a little like this:
Him: “So, when are you breaking out the FREDs?”
Me: “Wednesday.”
Him: “Today’s Wednesday.”
Me: “Next Wednesday. Beta day.”
Him: *confused look crosses over face*
Me: “I’m not telling you, because I don’t want to ruin your birthday.” (His bday is next Tuesday.)
Him: “Do you really think you’ll be able to test without me being able to tell how it went?”
I guess he’s got a point. I’m definitely not waiting until beta day. I need some time to prepare for that. It sucks, though, that I could very well be bringing a huge damper on the whole birthday situation. I mean, who wants to celebrate a birthday when you’ve just received horrible news. I guess I could look at the flipside, but that’s hard for me to imagine. Who knows when I’ll be breaking out the HPTs, and who knows whether they’ll make for one hell of a birthday present or not. I sure wish I knew.
Where’s the Fun One? December 6, 2004
Now that I’ve been on PIO for a full week, the side effects are kicking into high gear. I’m experiencing most of the same ones as last time (sleepiness, excessive hunger, cramping, peeing at all hours of the day) but for some reason I’m missing out on my favorite from last cycle: boobs. That was the only side effect I thought was fun, and somehow it’s just not happening this time.
My nose seems to be getting a little bit better, both in terms of frequency of incidence and intensity of pain. I’ll be glad when it decides to stop it all together.
What’s Up With My Nose? December 5, 2004
I seem to be experiencing some weird side effect. My nostril/nasal passage, or whatever you want to call it, is driving me crazy. I’m having intermittent pain just on the right side. It’s like a weird burning sensation. I thought that it could be from the anesthesia, since it started during the ride home from my transfer. I’m not sure that theory holds, however, because it’s still happening. Maybe it’s from the Medrol or something. Who knows. All I know is that it better stop soon. I really have no idea why I always seemed blessed with a plethora of side effects. I also had some spotting on Friday and a little yesterday. My RE said to expect that, though, because of all of the poking and prodding that was required to get my cervix to cooperate.
I started my double dosed PIO on Friday night. Man, that’s a lot to inject. Not only is this more likely to make me extremely sore, the shot itself is a lot worse. The only way I’ve been getting through them is to sing while my husband injects the oil into my flesh. I know, I’m weird. I either sing a Christmas song. Yep, I’m a Christmas geek. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, although it’s yet to be seen whether or not this Christmas will be holly and jolly. Anyway, I either do that or sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Now, before you think I’ve totally gone off my rocker, I got that from Heathers. I watched that movie so many time during my high school years that I knew all of the lines. There’s a scene in that movie where Winona Ryder is sitting in her car in the school parking lot while Christian Slater is telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. I can’t remember exactly, but probably that he killed the gay football players or something of that nature. So, Winona, aka Heather, puts her hands on her ears and starts to sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” I do that, too, from time to time when I’m trying to block out something.
While I’m on the PIO tangent, I’m going to throw out my PIO PSA. I’ve said this before on my blog, but I think it was in the comments section. A lot of people are prescribed the 50mg/mL version of PIO. Well, it also comes in a 100mg/mL variety which obviously means that you can inject half the amount of oil while getting the same amount of progesterone. I’m sure a lot of people know this, but if I can save even one IVFer’s ass then I feel it’s worth mentioning again.
So, two days down, ten more to go. I’m not going crazy yet, but I’m sure I will be before too long. I went out and bought the most essential two week wait item today: FREDs. I won’t be testing for at least a week, but it’s good to know they’re here when I need them. One good thing about doing a FET is that you don’t have to worry about the whole trigger/false positive thing. So, I’ll definitely be breaking out the FREDs at some point.
Hallelujah December 3, 2004
Before I get to the full report, I just want to thank everyone for their kind comments and good thoughts on my behalf. You guys are the best.
Now, for the nitty gritty. My FET went much better than I expected. Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. (I digress. I guess I’m just in a good mood.) Anyway, no one ever called to tell me that our embryos had arrested, so off my husband and I went to my RE’s office this morning. Once we got there and paid the extra $500 for the anesthesiologist, we were taken back. The first thing I said to the nurse was, “I’m assuming that since you’re giving me this nice getup to change into that at least one of our embryos survived the thaw.” She replied that she didn’t know the details but assured me that we had something to transfer.
After I got into my lovely gown, hat, and booties I got to go into the prep room. Apparently the blood pressure machine thought I was dead, because it kept getting extremely low readings. I then asked my IVF coordinator if she had good news for me, and she went to check with the embryologist. She came back and reported that all three of our blasts had survived the thaw and that none of them had decreased in terms of grading. All three were still grade 5 (the highest). Music to my ears, I tell ya.
The anesthesiologist finally showed up and proceeded to torture me. Apparently he picked the same vein as the previous anesthesiologist had for my ER back in September. The wall of the vein was very thick, and he tremendous trouble getting that darn IV in. Talk about being ouch worthy. I think I managed to only cuss a couple of times, though. That was finally finished, and we were all ready to head into the transfer room. At the very last minute we were told that my husband was not going to be allowed in even though I had previously been told that he would. Of course being the hormonally ramped up girl that I am, I started crying. I really wanted him to be able to see the embryos go in even if I couldn’t. I think mostly I was upset because they hit us with it at the last moment.
I gave my hubby a hug and a kiss and headed into the transfer room. I had the nurse check my lining really quickly before the anesthesiologist started his thing, and it looked good. Then I was out. I don’t remember a thing about the ET, but that’s probably a good thing. I got the full report after I had come to a little bit. My RE tried several different catheters, but my cervix was being a major pain just like last time, so she dilated my cervix. She also had to fill up my bladder since I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink past midnight. The oh so fun tenaculum was involved in there somewhere, and once I was dilated she was able to get the hard catheter in and slip the soft catheter containing the embryos right on in there with no problem. So, I had three beautiful blasts transferred.
I can’t even begin to describe how relieved I feel right now. I am so glad that all of our blasts survived the thaw and so glad that my transfer was not nearly as traumatic as last time. I’m thrilled that the catheter containing our embryos was only inserted once this time. The fact that it was inserted and removed multiple times during our last transfer still haunts me. So, I guess I could not have asked for a better day. My beta is scheduled for 12/15. Only 12 more days to obsess about this cycle. I know that the result may be no different from last time, but I feel so much better about how things went this time around. That’s gotta count for something.
Can Someone Just Please Knock Me Out?
I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake since 5:30, and that was after a very restless night’s sleep. The alarm isn’t going off for another hour, but I couldn’t stand to just lie in bed anymore. So, I decided to take some solace in my beloved internet.
I am so nervous about today. I keep wondering when exactly they would call me if none of our embryos survived the thaw. I doubt it would be this early. The waiting is excruciating.
I think it’s quite ironic that I received my first piece of spam email in my gmail account today. Oh, I get plenty of spam in my other accounts, but so far I had eluded the spammers with my gmail account. Want to know the title of the email? “Save on your Vicodin now.” The text of the email included: “You need Vicodin? No need to wait any longer!” My first thought was, “Yes, please. Can I have some right this instant?” I am beyond thankful that I will be getting some good IV drugs today. Well, that’s assuming that our embryos make it to transfer.
You know what’s sad? It’s really sad that anytime I type “IV” I end up typing “IVF” and have to delete the “F.” Anyway, I’m going to go try to keep occupied on the internet until the alarm finally goes off. I hope my next post is a tad more cheerful.
At Least It’s Even December 1, 2004
Well, I’ve now survived my first two PIO injections of this cycle, so now at least my soreness is even. I’ve given thought to just using one side to do all of the PIOs so I would at least have one non-sore side, but I figured I’d probably end up dragging one leg behind me all the time if I took that route. I really don’t know what my deal is with the soreness. I do all the PIO tricks, but they don’t really help. Well, I guess I don’t know that. I guess it could be even worse if I didn’t do the heating, massaging, etc. It’s ok, though. After last weeks lining issue, I’m just glad to have made it to this point. Now ask me again in a couple days after I’ve doubled my dose, and I might have a different outlook on all of this.
I’m starting to get really nervous about the thaw rate. I can’t even imagine going through all of this and then having nothing to transfer. I’m also nervous about my transfer. Assuming at least one of our blasts survives the thaw, then my body will have to be tortured once again during transfer. At least I’ll be sedated. Hopefully heavily. It still concerns me, though, because very difficult transfers tend to result in lower success rates. I only have two more days to worry, though, so that’s a good thing.
Oh, and I have a technical note to throw out there. A couple of people have let me know that they could not comment on my last post. I tried it, and it let me, but who knows what’s up with Blogger. Hopefully the problem is solved, because hearing from you wonderful women keeps me sane.