Conflicted December 18, 2004
I don’t know what to do about Christmas. I really feel the need to escape for a little while, but it seems that going to California is out. Even if we could find decent flights at this late date, and even if we could convince the inlaws to pay for them, my husband can’t take off enough time from work to make flying across the country worthwhile. We’ve thought about just going somewhere within driving distance, but I can’t think of anywhere I’d want to go near here. Plus, there’s always the $ factor. Going somewhere on our own would entail opening up our own checkbook, and since we’re trying to save up another bigillion dollars for this next fresh cycle it’s hard to justify the expense.
So, it looks like our choices are to either lock ourselves in the apartment and pretend that Christmas doesn’t exist this year or to go spend a little time with my family. I would like to spend time with my family, but there’s one problem. I’m not sure I can handle the constant reminder of the unfairness of our infertility that comes with seeing my parent’s great-nephews. I know for sure that I wouldn’t be able to handle the whole present opening thing. I know that I’d be mourning the fact that I should have a little one enjoying the whole experience this year.
One of the reasons I really wanted to go to CA to spend time with my husband’s family is that there would be zero focus whatsoever on kids. There would be no kids there, no one would be talking about kids, etc. I’m just in a fragile place right now. I need to protect my heart.
So, do we go visit my family and try as best as possible to wrap our hearts up in bubble wrap before we leave? Or do we just stay here? I don’t know. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I feel like if I avoid it all together then the infertility wins. I think missing out on all the Christmasy stuff will make me feel worse. The dilemma lies in where to go to experience all of that Christmas stuff. We don’t have a tree or any other decorations. Once again, trying to pinch pennies. I know my family would love to have us spend time with them and would be upset if we didn’t, but I really don’t know if I can handle the kiddos. Well, I guess I could handle them, it’s just that the focus of everything would be on them and not the family as a whole. I really do want to go to CA, but I don’t think it’s possible. Ugh. Decisions, decisions. Hopefully we’ll figure something out.
- Posted in : various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Amanda,
I hear you. What a tough call. As you know my husband and I decided to give up x-mas with the in-laws in favor of a little trip for just the 2 of us. This time of year seems especially hard for infertiles.
I hope you find a decent compromise if a trip to CA doesn’t work out. A way to celebrate the holidays and what you have instead of being force-fed reminders of what you don’t (yet) have.
However you spend your Christmas, I hope it’s a merry one.
Feliz Navidad.