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parenthood after dealing with male factor infertility and multiple IVF cycles

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This Is Harder Than I Expected December 23, 2004

It’s not like I haven’t been down the failed IVF road before, but I didn’t expect this time to be this hard. It wasn’t initially. I had an easier time with the negative HPTs and beta this time around. Don’t ask me why, but I did. The aftermath, however, is a different story.

I’m feeling like shit. I guess it’s to be expected since the hell that is the post failed IVF period is currently upon me. Man, it sucks. I can’t wait for it to be over. I’m sure the fact that I’m eating ice cream all day long isn’t helping things either. I’ve been working out every day this week, but I’m sure it’s not enough to combat the amount of ice cream that has entered my body.

Besides feeling like crap physically, I’m having a tough time emotionally. I’m sure part of that has to do with the fact that all of this is happening pre-Christmas. It’s not a particularly good time to go through this, but I guess there never really is.

It’s harder this time because I’m staring down the road at another fresh cycle. Last time I knew that we could do a FET with our frozen embryos. Not that a FET is a walk in the park, especially when Lupron’s involved, but this is different. It’s just so much more expensive. The financial part of all of this is tough. It’s tough to spend that kind of money when you know perfectly well that you may have nothing other than a broken heart to show for it.

I hate that I’m feeling bitter, but I am. It hurts to read about all of the recent pregnancies out there. Not that I’m not happy for all of my friends in blogland and on message boards, but it’s just another reminder that it’s not me. I don’t want to be jealous when I see moms out walking with their little ones in strollers or get pissed when I get those Christmas family photos in the mail, but I just can’t help it.

I’m really not looking forward to going to my parent’s house on Sunday. It’s going to be so hard to see the rugrats (ie. my parent’s great-nephews) reveling in the whole Christmas thing. It’s also hard, because as much as my family loves me, they just don’t get it. How could they? They haven’t been through this IVF hell. I know that no effort will be made to keep the focus anywhere but on the little guys. That’s just how it always is, and it’s going to be especially tough this trip.

I know that I will survive Christmas. I know that I will survive this next IVF, but damn it, this is so fucking hard.

• Posted in : IVF Part 2: FET #1, various other ramblings
• Author : amanda

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