Another Year December 31, 2004
For us, the end of 2004 brings with it the end of year three of trying to conceive. I can’t believe we’ve been at this for three years. I really can’t remember what it was like during those months of believing it could actually happen easily. I’m just so far removed from that now, but I imagine that we entered 2002 with a sense of excitement and anticipation. Now we’re entering 2005 with what? I don’t know. It sure isn’t excitement or anticipation. Maybe it’s resilience and strength.
2004 was a tough year. I entered the year trying desperately to wrap my mind around the whole “no sperm” concept. We had been dealing with the diagnosis for less than two months. The beginning of the year was filled with appointments and tests. April brought my husband’s testicular biopsy. I can remember being so excited when his doctor came out after the surgery to let me know that they had found sperm. I remember him saying, “Your husband will father biological children.” Um, I guess that’s yet to be determined.
Along came June and my husband’s second surgery. We were so hopeful that it would give us the answer we’d been longing for. If the surgery had been successful we would have had a good shot at having kids the old fashioned way. However, the extent of the blockages was just too great to be able to be repaired surgically. One of the hardest parts of all of this infertility crap was having to tell my husband, while he struggled to wake up from the anesthesia, that the surgery had not worked. I just sat there next to him and cried.
After we got adjusted to the fact that IVF was our only hope at bio kids, we had our IVF consult in July. I started birth control pills for IVF #1 on August 1st. The cycle seemed to go so well until we got to September 21st, transfer day. Lo and behold, apparently my cervix is a bitch. Even after a hellish transfer we held onto hope that our “perfect” blasts would bring us to the place we had been dreaming of. It was not to be, however. November and December were occupied by our FET cycle, the results of which brought a black cloud over the holiday season.
So, here we are, about to start a new year and a new IVF cycle. It’s sure been an interesting ride. I’ve changed a lot over the past year, some for the good and some for the not so good.
I’m not going to even pretend that the past year has been easy. It hasn’t been, and quite frankly, a lot of it sucked, but I do have a lot to be thankful for. I’m so thankful that my relationship with my husband has gotten stronger throughout all of this. Dealing with infertility has brought a whole new dimension to our relationship. I’m also thankful to have met so many amazing women. How the hell would I have gotten through this year without you guys?
I’ve watched a lot of my friends go through unimaginable heartbreak this year, but I’ve also watched a ton of them experience true joy. I hope that 2005 brings us all the strength to deal with the inevitable heartbreaks and the ability to truly immerse ourselves in the joy that will hopefully shine upon us all.
- Posted in : various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Amanda,
I wish you and your husband a year filled with joy!
May 2005 bring you all you have been praying for.
a
I feel a bit like I’m standing on the edge of an abyss, I can imagine you feel the same. Here is to the hope that that abyss is filled with wonderful things.
- Hau’oli Makahiki Hou! (Happy New Year)
Anne
The fact that your marriage is actually stronger after having gone through so much speaks volumns for your grit, determination, and strength. I wish both of you the very best in the new year.
I agree with you - I hope 2
005 brings the best for everyone (especially yourself).
Wishing you much luck and joy in 2005.
Amen to that, sistah! Here’s to a wonderful 2005 for you and Dh.