Where’s the Fast Forward Button? January 31, 2005
I had another ultrasound and bloodwork appointment this morning, and it looks like I’m all set to go. I had nine follicles measuring 15-23mm and four measuring 8-12mm, so I’m triggering tonight at 10:30 for a 10:30am retrieval on Wednesday. Based on my measurements on Friday I wasn’t expecting to trigger tonight, but it appears that my follicles liked the addition of the Repronex this cycle. My E2 came back at 2715, and I am very relieved. I did not want to deal with a E2 in the 4,000’s again. My lining appears to be stuck at 9mm, though. It measured 10 on Wednesday, 9 on Friday, and initially measured 8 today. I said, “Um, my lining seems to be going backwards,” so it was remeasured and came back at 9. It sure as hell better not be going backwards. I guess I’ll ask them to check again at ER.
One of my kitties is not doing well, so I took her to the vet today. She’s 16, so it was inevitable, but it’s still so hard. I’m not ready to lose her. Especially not right now. I cried through the whole vet appointment. I’m sure the fact that I’m beyond hormonal isn’t helping any. We’re waiting on some test results to see what we’re dealing with, but I don’t know if there’s much we’ll be able to do for her besides love her.
I’m not one to buy into the whole “stress will ruin your cycle” crap, but man has this been a stressful cycle. First I had to deal with the whole meds fiasco (parts I and II) and now I can’t stop worrying about my ailing kitty. I’m definitely ready for this sucker to be over with.
Slow Poke January 28, 2005
I had another ultrasound and bloodwork appointment this morning. A couple more follicles had popped up since Wednesday, but I’m not really counting them since they’re so tiny. I had nine follicles ranging from 9-15mm and three ranging from 3-6mm. My lining measured 1mm thinner than Wednesday. I’m hoping that’s due to how they measured it. I would hate to think that my lining is actually getting thinner. My E2 came back at 1068, so it looks like I’m headed towards another high E2 cycle. Right now my E2 is a touch higher than it was at this point during my other fresh cycle, and I ended up at 4452 at trigger. I’m not looking forward to feeling the effects of that kind of E2 again. So, I’m stimming slowly again this cycle. It took me 11 days to stim during my other fresh cycle, and it looks like it could very well take that long again. I don’t go back in until Monday since I’m being such a slow poke.
After my appointment, I met a friend for lunch. This was not a run of the mill friend, this was an IVF friend. I’ve been posting with her on a message board since we both started our first IVF cycles back in August. We’ve since both had two failed cycles. We finally decided to meet, and it was awesome. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone, someone who actually gets it, face to face about all of this crap. Until today I had never met anyone who had gone through IVF, at least not anyone who had been open about it. It was just amazing to be able to sit there for over an hour talking to her. It was actually pretty cathartic for me.
After lunch I mailed my IVFMeds package back to them. They contacted me on Wednesday after I had gotten both shipments 2 and 3, and no, they are not just letting me keep the extra. I didn’t think they’d just let me keep an extra grand worth of meds. They told me that I could either mail it back to them or remove the labels from my meds and send them on to another one of their customers in the US who had ordered the same thing. Um, yeah, that’s got to be illegal. I told them that I was not comfortable with that, so they gave me the info to send it back to the UK. I think I got the whole Global Express thing figured out at the post office. Hopefully, they’ll get their meds back soon, and I can close the book on this whole horrid experience. Oh, and I received a letter from the FDA concerning shipment 1. Apparently it was seized by customs and sent back to England. It appears that it may not be totally legal to order from them. Oops. I told my husband that I would make a very sympathetic defendant.
I’m hoping to survive this weekend. I’m getting grumpier and grumpier as the days progress. Did I ever mention that my brother in law is staying with us this week? I can’t remember if I’ve blogged about that or not. I can’t remember anything these days, and I’m too lazy to go back and look. Anyway, my BIL is moving to Houston and is in town doing some interviewing and checking out places to live. He’s been here since Sunday, and I don’t actually know when he’s leaving. Obviously this isn’t the best time for a house guest, but he’s here nonetheless. Quite honestly, this arrangement is driving me a little crazy. Little things get on my nerves like lights being left on throughout the apartment, toilet seats being left up, dishes being left in non kitchen areas, etc. I’m really not in the mood to be picking up after another person. I know I shouldn’t have too, but it drives me crazy just to leave those things undone. I’m used to it being just me, my hubby, and the kitties. Any diversion from that throws me off. Like everything else, this too shall pass, and I will live to be able to complain about something else.
Shouldn’t I Have Learned Better By Now? January 26, 2005
I really thought that since I had a higher antral follicle count this cycle and since I’m on a higher dose of stims that I’d have a lot of follicles develop this time. I should know better than to get my hopes up. I should have learned at least that by going through all of this crap. Guess not.
My ultrasound this morning showed that I have eight follicles measuring 7-12mm and one at 4mm. During my first cycle, I had 12 at this stage in the game. I am thankful that I have some, and I know that a couple more could still pop up, but it’s still disappointing. My lining looked good, though. It was already at 10mm. For my first cycle it was only at 5mm at this point. I guess my lining really likes Gonal-F. It was so stubborn during my FET but seems to be doing well this cycle, at least for now. At 366, my E2 came back just a touch higher than it did at this point last cycle. Interesting. Less follicles, higher E2.
The good news is that I FINALLY HAVE MY MEDS. Can you believe it? When I went to bed last night, the latest tracking update for both shipments 2 and 3 had them at JFK. Shipment 1 is a lost cause. I literally lost sleep last night worrying about getting my meds in time. I really don’t think this stress was worth the $500 savings. Anyway, I got up this morning, and the tracking systems still had no further updates, so I called IVFMeds. I was given the phone number for the courier they used for shipment 3. Right before I called them I refreshed the tracking page and found that my package had just landed in Houston. During my call with them I was told that my package would be delivered today.
Well, I ended up getting both shipments 2 and 3 today. I don’t know what they’ll have me do with the extra, but I could care less right now. I’m just relieved to not have to scramble around town like a drug seeking madwoman this afternoon. So, I continue on with my Gonal-F, add in Repronex starting tonight, and go back in on Friday for another ultrasound and more bloodwork. I’m not getting my hopes up, though.
I Need a Cigarette January 25, 2005
I haven’t had a smoke in over six years, but man I could use one right about now. Or maybe a drink even. Some nice prescription drugs would probably do the trick, too. I’m not about to seek out any of these things, but holy crap I’m stressed. I think my head is about to explode. Really.
The meds saga continues. Again. It’s never going to end. UGH!!!! Anyway, I’ve been obsessively tracking shipment #3 since it left London yesterday. By yesterday evening it had made it to the courier’s distribution hub in Belgium, and I assumed it would make it on one of the outgoing planes overnight. Wrong. Shouldn’t I have learned not to make assumptions by now? I got up this morning to check its status only to see that the latest update was “Potential Linehaul Delay Due To Technical Problems.” How the fuck do I get this unlucky?
I emailed IVFMeds and waited. And waited. I called and left a message and waited a little more. I finally got a call back. The plane that shipment #3 is on is apparently experiencing technical difficulties. However, the courier is telling IVFMeds that my shipment will still be delivered tomorrow. There’s no guarantee with that, however.
Shipment #2 finally cleared customs at JFK last night at 6:30, but it’s still floating around somewhere other than my apartment. The guy at IVFMeds told me that a lot of orders that cleared customs yesterday were delivered today, but apparently mine is not among that group. Of course it isn’t. However, it should be here tomorrow. “Should” being the key word.
I was told that there is a really good chance that I will have at least one of the two make it here by tomorrow. I asked what I was supposed to do if neither of them showed. I was told to go ahead and buy enough locally to make it through another night and that IVFMeds would reimburse me for that expense.
This will work out. I have to keep telling myself that. One of two things will happen tomorrow. Either I’ll get at least one of the IVFMeds shipments or I’ll have to go on a last minute drug hunting expedition. I know that my RE has extra meds that are kept for situations such as this, so I can get them there if all else fails.
Now I just have to figure out how to be at my bloodwork/ultrasound appointment and at my apartment in order to sign for the package(s) at the same time tomorrow.
Will the Madness Ever End? January 24, 2005
The meds saga continues. My second shipment from IVFMeds arrived at JFK at 12:45 on Friday morning. It’s been in customs ever since. To say that I’m getting frustrated by this point would be an understatement. I have enough meds for tonight and tomorrow night, but I have to get more by Wednesday.
I called IVFMeds this morning and left a message. Two hours passed without a peep from the phone, so I sent them a long and detailed email. I got a call a little while after that. I was told that all hope is lost for the first shipment. It is stuck in customs indefinitely. It’s too early to tell if the second shipment is stuck in customs or not. He said that customs was backed up this weekend due to all the weather problems in the northeast and nothing was getting through. So, guess what? They are sending out a third shipment. They’re sending it with the fastest courier possible, and it’s going directly to Houston. No more of this JFK business. We should know by midday tomorrow if this third shipment will make it here by Wednesday. I’m supposed to receive a call back tomorrow to let me know if it will make it. If they can’t guarantee delivery on Wed, then I’ll call Freedom Drug tomorrow. Thankfully, they’ll deliver the next day with orders placed by 3pm my time. I really don’t need this right now. This is beyond insane!
I know I’ll get my drugs one way or another, but I hate having to worry about the whole situation. Can’t things just go smoothly? I guess not.
A-maz-ing January 22, 2005
Cirque Du Soleil was beyond fantastic. It was such a welcome distraction to be able to sit there for a few hours and be taken away to another place. It’s easy for me to lose myself in a performance and even easier when it’s a truly awesome show.
It’s always a little bittersweet for me to go to the ballet, a Broadway show, or something like Cirque Du Soleil. It makes me miss performing so badly. I wish that I could just hop right up there on the stage a lot of times. I really did have to mourn the fact that I’ll never be able to dance again. I know the reality that is my knees, but I still miss it.
I ended up shooting up in the car in the crowded parking lot right before we went into the show. It really wasn’t a big deal except my Gonal-F vial was being a bitch. I hate using those multidose vials for the first time. There’s some kind of massive suction thing going on in there as a result of the chemical reaction between the powdered drug and diluent. I injected air into the vial and everything, but the plunger on the syringe still wanted to do its own thing. It worked out ok except that the Gonal-F ended up spraying out of the vial some. I do have to say, though, that injecting 375IU is a lot harder on my stomach than the 225IU and 150IU doses I had my first cycle. I have a much harder time “pinching an inch” on my stomach than on my thigh, so it makes things tricky. Nonetheless, the stimulation phase of this cycle is officially underway.
I am so glad that we were able to go to the show last night. It was a splurge and not something we would do every weekend, but I sure wish we could. Sometimes it’s hard to have fun when we’re in the middle of all of this IVF crap, but last night sure fit the bill. It was like a happy injection for the soul. That’s definitely the type of injection that I prefer.
So Excited January 21, 2005
No, I’m not reeling with anticipation over that fact that I start stims tonight, although I am ready to get this show on the road. What’s got me excited is our plans for the evening. My husband and I are going to see Cirque Du Soleil’s Varekai tonight. I have wanted to see one of their shows for the longest time, and a few weeks ago I just happen to stumble upon the fact that they were coming to Houston. It’s definitely a splurge for us, but this is my special treat for round three. I think I’m going to have to shoot up in the car in between dinner and the performance, but c’est la vie. It’s not like I haven’t done it before. I’m looking forward to the distraction that comes with losing myself in an awesome performance. I can’t wait.
All Systems Go January 20, 2005
My baseline ultrasound went well this morning, so I’m relieved. My lining was nice and thin and my ovaries showed no signs of pesky cysts. I was pleased to see that I have quite a few more antral follicles than I did last time. The ultrasound was kind of fuzzy today, but it looked like there were at least five antral follicles per ovary. Last time I had four total. Hopefully this is a good sign.
I got my goody bag of donated meds today, so I’m set for the weekend. I wrote a thank you note for my RE’s office to pass along to the person who had donated the drugs, and my IVF coordinator said that no one had ever done that before. I found that surprising. This person generously donated about $1300 of meds. The least I can do is take the time to write them a thank you note.
My second IVFMeds order shipped out last night, so I guess we’ll see if it can make it through customs sometime in the near future. It would be nice not to have to worry about that situation anymore.
I’m in a good mood today despite the Lupron permaheadache. I’m very glad to get the go ahead to start stims tomorrow. Not only will I be glad to be rid of these damn Lupron side effects, but I’m ready to get this sucker over with. I know things will start to move more quickly now, and that’s a very welcome change. Things have been moving in slow motion lately. I’m also interested to see how things will play out with the changes we’re making this cycle (more Gonal-F, adding Repronex, using EmbryoGlue). I guess we’ll find out soon enough.
The Meds Saga Continues January 19, 2005
I didn’t receive a reply from IVFMeds concerning my latest email, so I emailed them again this morning. I got a call from them soon after. Apparently if my order has been stuck in customs this long then I shouldn’t expect it to be released any time soon, so they are sending out a second shipment today in hopes that it will clear through customs more quickly. The fun never ends. Thankfully I will be getting those donated meds tomorrow when I go in for my baseline ultrasound. Those should get me through the weekend, so I just have to hope that either customs decides to free my package or that the second shipment turns out to be speedier than the first. We shall see.
As mentioned, tomorrow is baseline day. Also known as “hand over a check with lots of zeros” day. Ouch. I’ve already written out the check so I could save a scanned copy of it, and I have to admit that it was painful to write that sucker. At least it will be done with, and I’ll be able to focus on all of the other fun aspects of an IVF cycle.
My period behaved and showed up on Monday, so hopefully my lining will be nice and thin tomorrow. My ovaries better be behaving as well, so that I can get the green light to start stims on Friday. I’m ready to get this show on the road.
Plan F Revisited January 18, 2005
Now that I’ve had a shower, I can get back to my thoughts on Plan F. Getting that post out of my head and onto the computer screen was pretty cathartic for me. It made me realize how I really feel about all of it.
I’m not ready to move on to other options that would require us to lose the biological connection. Not yet, anyway. I know in my head that having a child by way of donor sperm, donor embryos, or adoption would be amazing. I know that I would cherish that child no matter how he or she came into our lives. But, I’m just not ready to give up that image I have imprinted on my heart of a biological family. I’m not there yet.
Last night I asked my husband if he had read my “Plan F” post, and he replied that he had. I asked him what he thought about it, and he said that he wasn’t sure yet. I told him that getting all of that out had made things a little clearer for me, and he wanted to know how so. All of a sudden it just hit me, and I broke out into tears. I told him that I wanted to keep trying IVF. He then said, “We can’t do IVF indefinitely.” He’s right, of course. You want to know what I said, though? “We don’t have to do it indefinitely, just until it works.” I know that is not a rational thought. I know that we can’t just keep at this IVF stuff. It’s wearing us out physically, emotionally, and financially.
I’m just having a major heart/head battle. My head is very logical. It says that we need to move on to other options if this IVF doesn’t work. It makes sense not to keep trying at something that’s obviously not working. Oh, but my heart is trying really hard to speak louder than my head. I want to have my husband’s child. I want that so badly.
I know that I still have this upcoming IVF to add to the equation. It may work and then all of this would be moot, but we all know that there’s a better chance that it won’t. I need to be thinking all of this through as I go through this cycle. The thing that allowed me to pick up the tiny pieces of my heart after my previous IVF failures was knowing that I had another chance, knowing that it wasn’t over. I think if I went into this cycle without even a semblance of a back up plan, that I would have a much harder time recovering from the probable post cycle crash. I have to be able to pull myself back up, and looking forward to the next step helps.
I hate that we even have to be put in the position to make these kinds of decisions. I hate it so much, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept that nothing about having a child has been or will be easy for us. It sucks, but it’s reality. Who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky, but I’m not counting on it. I am counting on being able to have some path to follow after this cycle is over. We just have to figure out what path that will be.
Plan B F
January 17, 2005
I’m all about having a back up plan. It’s been tougher this time around, though. We seem to be going through a lot of back up plans these days:
Plan A: Have sex- That worked well.
Plan B: Hubby’s surgery to bypass blockages- Not so much. Too many blockages.
Plan C: IVF/ICSI- Seemed to be going ok until transfer day and then beta day.
Plan D: FET- Nope again. Three more beautiful blasts led us nowhere.
Plan E: Round 3, another IVF: We shall see.
Plan F: ?
I think we basically have four options if this IVF fails and we have nothing to freeze. If we’re lucky enough to have embryos frozen our choice we’ll be easy. We’ll do another FET. If a FET is not an option or if we do a FET and it fails, then we’ll have to make some tough decisions.
1) Another fresh cycle.
2) Donor sperm IUI.
3) Donor embryo FET.
4) Adoption.
We’ve pretty much eliminated choice one. After this upcoming cycle we will have put about $30K and a ton of blood, sweat, and tears into this IVF business. That’s enough in our minds. I’ll never say never, but I don’t think we’ll be doing another fresh cycle. I think I could do it (you’d never know it from my whining, though, huh?) but I don’t want to put my husband through all of this again. I see how these IVF failures are pushing him closer and closer to giving up completely. I just don’t want to get to that place where he’s not open to other options.
Donor sperm IUI is definitely an option for our situation, but I don’t think it’s at the top of the list. It would make sense logistically speaking, since we’re dealing with male factor infertility. It’s by far the cheapest option, but money hasn’t guided our decision making process so far, so why should it be considered over everything else starting now? There are two main drawbacks to this option in my mind. We’ll still have to deal with my wonky cervix. I mean, how many IUI’s are done under anesthesia? Also, there’s the equality of the biological connection issue. Genetics are not the most important factor when trying to decide how to go about all of this, but there’s just something about having my genetics come into play and not my husband’s.
Donor embryo FET would be another option, but it’s much harder to come about donor embryos than donor sperm. I know my RE has a donor embryo program, but I have no idea how long the waiting list is or what the program entails. We’d still have to deal with the cervix issue here, too.
Both options 2 and 3 would allow me to experience pregnancy assuming they eventually worked. That’s the thing, though. Who’s to say that either of those options would work if IVF didn’t?
We’re also considering adoption. I have to be honest, the adoption process scares the crap out of me. It just seems so hard. So much red tape, so much paperwork, so much waiting. I’ve started researching adoption. I know that when we first found out that IVF was a possibility in our future that it seemed overwhelming, too. I’ve spent millions of hours researching IVF, not to mention the fact that I’m getting pretty good at the actual process now, so it’s only natural for me to feel more comfortable with it. One thing that’s appealing about adoption is that we could actually end up with a child at the end of the process. I know that adoption is no guarantee, but it’s got to have better odds than IVF. The whole missing out on the pregnancy experience gets to me sometimes, though.
Obviously, choices 2, 3, and 4 require letting go of the biological connection. So, basically, if this IVF or any possible subsequent FETs fail to work then my husband and I will most likely never have a biological child. Man, that was hard to write and hear in my head. I don’t know if I’m ready to come to terms with that yet. I know that I will be able to if need be, but that’s so tough. I know in my head that genetics are not the most important thing, but oh how my heart aches to think that I may never be able to look at my child and see my husband’s amazing eyes or be able to do silly things like laughing with my daughter about how she inherited her mother’s and grandmother’s tiny boobs and big butt. This is really tough stuff. Really fucking tough.
I think right now we’re leaning more towards adoption, but who really knows. I haven’t had that moment where I just know what’s best for our next step. I know I need to do a lot more research, a lot more pondering, and a lot more discussing with my husband. This stuff is hard. It’s hard when you have this long term idea of how your family will be formed and then you have to keep altering that image bit by bit. I know that I want us to be able to have a child. Who knows which way that child will come into our lives. I know, with all my heart, that no matter which road we go down or how long this seemingly never ending process takes, that it will be worth it. That’s just about the only thing I know for sure.
Cranky! January 16, 2005
Oh, yes. I am so damn cranky today that it’s not funny. I have no idea how my husband puts up with me. I’m truly pitiful. I cannot wait to start stims. Not because I’m so excited to see how many follicles pop up, but because I want these damn side effects to stop kicking my ass. Thank goodness for naps. I think I would have completely lost it today without my little catnap this afternoon.
Want to do something fun? Take a Lupron doped woman grocery shopping. Now, I’m totally anal about grocery shopping, because it’s too frustrating otherwise. I always have my list with items listed in the order that we’ll hit them as we make our way throughout the store. I also write the sale price next to the item if applicable so that I can make sure that I’m charged the correct price at the checkout. (Last week I got a free 3 pound bag of chicken breasts that way). And then I always put a star by items that I have a coupon for so I don’t forget to use the darn coupon.
Anyway, today I was prepared as usual but had quite a hard time remembering what to get even though everything was listed right in front of me. My husband and I had made it all the way to the far side of the store when I exclaimed, “I forgot the hotdogs.” We had walked right past the darn things, and they were listed in plain sight on the piece of paper in my hand, but no hotdogs had made it into the cart. We made our way back to get the hotdogs and then back over to the other side to finish our shopping. I thought we were done when I realized that I had forgotten to get hotdog buns, too. Now you would think that even if I had forgotten the buns, I would remember them once I remembered the hotdogs. Oh, no. Not this loopy girl. My husband found it quite entertaining.
So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that: a) My period shows up soon, b) I get the all clear at my baseline on Thursday, and c) I actually get to start stims on Friday. I so need to be onto the next phase. This one’s getting very old very fast.
It Was Just a Matter of Time January 14, 2005
I knew it was coming. I just wasn’t sure exactly when. I’ve got that lovely “run over by a truck” feeling going on accompanied by the never ending Lupron headache. The brain mush factor is starting to kick in as well. Oh, how I love Lupron.
The good news is that I took my last birth control pill last night. That’s always a good thing. Now, I just have to hope that my period decides to cooperate. I really don’t want to have to be on Lupron any longer than is absolutely necessary.
Side effects are just insane to me. It’s just amazing how this teeny tiny amount of liquid can kick my ass time and time again. At least I never have to wonder whether or not it’s working.
Random Utterings January 13, 2005
I thought I’d respond to a few comments/questions that have been posed in my comments section lately.
When I was dealing with the walking to the pharmacy situation, a couple people mentioned getting a ride from a friend. First of all, I really don’t mind walking aside from the knee situation. We live smack dab in the middle of Houston, and there are a ton of things close to our apartment. To the point, though. I don’t have any friends in Houston. Yes, we’ve lived here for over a year and a half, but I don’t have any real friends. There are a couple of people I went to high school with who live here now, but it’s not like I’d ever call them up. Plus, Houston is so freaking big that even if I did have real friends that lived here, I wouldn’t ask them to drive 45 minutes each way to drive me 5 minutes to a pharmacy. Hell, I wouldn’t even ask my husband to do that. Driving is just such a pain here.
Back to the friend issue. I guess some people would find me pathetic for not having friends here, but I don’t view it that way at all. Actually, most of the time I quite prefer it that way. I’m very much a homebody/loner. I’d much prefer to stay in with my hubby than go out with a bunch of people any day. It’s not like we never do stuff with other people, but this is what works.
I don’t have many chances to meet people here. It’s not like I’m going to start up a conversation with some random person at the grocery store or something. I’m not working now, so that whole coworker friendship thing is out. I really haven’t taken a liking to most of the spouses of my husband’s coworkers. A lot of them are lawyers, too, and while I can deal with my husband speaking legalese every now and then, I cannot handle a bunch of people yacking on and on about the law.
The reality is that I do have friends. They just happen to live all over the country, and world for that matter. The women I have met through infertility blogs and message boards have been just as good, if not better, friends to me than the “real life” friends I’ve had in the past.
Enough about that. I’d like to throw a few things out there about my knees. Yes, they are bad. Yes, I do not have nearly enough cartilage in them. Yes, it’s a life long thing, but you know what? It’s truly not a big deal to me. This is just part of my life. I’ve dealt with my knees like this for over five years now, so it’s really not that big of a deal. Sure, I can’t do some things that I would like to do. Sure, my husband literally has to carry me from point A to B when things get really bad, but it’s all worth it. It was worth it to me to be able to spend those 18 years dancing. Give me a pair of pointe shoes, a stage, and some music, and I’m a happy camper. It just doesn’t get much better than that in my mind. The truth is that they’re not always so bad. I’ve been taking glucosamine chondroitin for quite a while, and that helps tremendously. The thing is that I don’t take it while cycling on the 0.5% chance that this IVF business could actually work. It hasn’t been tested for use during pregnancy, and I’m not about to take any chances. So, now that I haven’t been taking my magic pills for a while, my knees have gone back to being really bad. It’s ok, though. It really is. The physical pain is nothing compared with the emotional roller coaster of this IVF ride.
Amy asked how I was feeling. Thanks for asking, Amy. Surprisingly, I’m feeling pretty good. The Lupron is making me really tired, but that’s just fine. I’m a fan of sleeping, so it’s all good. I give the evil side effects 24-48 hours, though. I know I’m not lucky enough to skip them altogether. I’m actually feeling good emotionally, too. It’s not like I’m excited to be doing IVF again or that I have high hopes for this cycle. In fact, I have zero expectations this time around. Absolutely none, but it helps my spirits to actually be doing something.
And now on to a topic that has nothing to do with anything in my comments section. I mentioned the other day that I had gotten the tracking number email for my IVFMeds order. Well, the latest update on the tracking page is from yesterday morning when my meds shipped out of England. A little strange, but I guess it could take a while to update. The thing is that last night I was flipping through the channels and stopped on the local news right when they were doing a story about a plane that flew from London to JFK yesterday that had to turn right around without unloading due to the fact that someone on the plane was listed on one of the terrorist watch lists. I immediately mentioned to my husband that it would be my luck if my meds were on that plane. Now, I have no idea if those type of packages are even shipped on commercial planes, but it was a funny thought nonetheless. The point to all of this is that I’m paranoid. I guess I think if something can go wrong, it probably will. I’m sure my meds will arrive safely any day now, but it would be just my luck to have that happen.
So, I guess this has been the most hodgepodge post ever, but it’s what was on my mind. I’m sure I’ll have more interesting things to blog about once this cycle starts going full force.
It’s Been a Good Drug Day January 11, 2005
My worries about my meds have melted away. I got my tracking number email from IVFMeds today, so my stims are actually headed my way now. I also managed to get my Lupron this afternoon just in time for my first injection of round three.
I decided to walk to the pharmacy this afternoon to get my Lupron. I could have waited until my husband got home around 7 or so, but I thought that would be cutting it too close. What if there was a problem with my insurance or they had ordered the wrong thing or it just hadn’t come in? My stress levels are thanking me for walking the 2+ miles roundtrip to get the drugs, but my knees are not. It was worth it, though. I may not be able to walk anywhere for the next few days, but I’ll be loopy on Lupron, damn it. Oh, and when I say that I won’t be able to walk anywhere, I don’t mean not being able to walk on the treadmill or take another two mile hike. I mean not being able to make it across the apartment without assistance. My knees suck, but that’s ok. I’m trying desperately to appease them with some ice packs right now. Hopefully that will make the little fickle things happy.
So, I guess this is actually happening again. Popping birth control pills does not an IVF cycle make, but shoving a needle into my flesh definitely kicks things off in my mind. The next few weeks should be interesting.
Simmering Down (At Least a Little) January 10, 2005
A lot of things were stressing me out yesterday. Things are a little better today. I’ve done some list checking in the past 24 hours. It’s nice to have some semblance of resolution.
1. Massage: Check (Thanks, honey.)
2. IVFMeds: Check. I emailed customer service again. My meds will ship today using the expedited shipping method at no additional charge.
3. Lupron: Check. Target cannot get my Lupron. Apparently their wholesaler does not stock it even though I got it from them two months ago, so I transferred my Rx to CVS. They will order the Lupron today, and it will be in tomorrow afternoon, just in time for me to start shooting up again tomorrow night.
4. Transfer situation: Check. I still do not have total faith that my RE’s plan for my transfer is the best choice. However, I have reviewed the other possibilities and there is nothing that seems to be a better alternative, so I have decided to just go with what we’ve decided to do. Basically, there really is no good way to go about this, so I just have to hope that we haven’t picked the worst.
I can’t say that all of my stress has magically floated away, but at least I’m not sitting here freaking out over all of the crap that has gone/could go/will go wrong or not according to plan. I’m all about having a plan, but it seems that the IVF gods really aren’t into that at all. Plans tend to get thrown out the window rather quickly in IVF land. I’m trying really hard not to let that get to me so much. I doubt it helps, but at least I’m making the effort.
I Think I Need a Massage January 9, 2005
I’m doing a tad bit of stressing today. Ok, maybe more than a tad bit. One main source of stress is coming from my lack of meds situation. I really wasn’t worrying about it much, but this weekend changed all of that.
I dropped my Lupron Rx off at the Target pharmacy yesterday and was told that it would be ready on Monday. No problem. I don’t need it until Tuesday, so that was fine. Well, today I got a call from the pharmacist to let me know that their computer wouldn’t let him order the Lupron because it was out of stock in the system. He said that sometimes they have it and it doesn’t show up, but there’s no way to find that out until tomorrow. He also said that with the big bucks type prescriptions that they can overnight the drug directly from the manufacturer to the pharmacy a lot of times. Again, there’s no way to find out about that until tomorrow. So, I’ll either get a call tomorrow telling me that my Lupron will be ready to pick up on Tuesday or that they can’t get it. I’ll then have to transfer my prescription somewhere else in hope of getting my Lupron by Tuesday. Ugh.
I’m also getting frustrated with IVFMeds about my stims order. I placed my order last Friday and expected it to ship out mid week. Their website says that they ship orders within 24 hours of receiving the Rx, but I figured with the New Year holiday that it would take a few extra days. When my order hadn’t shipped by Wednesday, I emailed their customer service. I received a reply within 5 minutes (impressive) that stated that my order would ship on Friday. Well, it didn’t. I emailed them again yesterday. I guess they don’t check their email on the weekends, however, because I have yet to receive a reply. I even called them but got a message saying that no one was available to take my call. I guess they just close up shop for the weekends. Hopefully that whole situation will be resolved tomorrow, too.
What’s really been bothering me, though, is my constant need to dwell on my wonky cervix and the resulting less than stellar transfers. I’m worried that our game plan (anesthesia for transfer and dilating my cervix) is not the best idea. I really should stop scouring Google and PubMed for info on difficult transfers, the use of dilation, etc. It’s driving me crazy, because half of the studies say that difficult transfers, including transfers in which dilation is utilized, result in a significant decrease in success rates while the other half of the studies state that there is no real difference in success rates between easy and difficult transfers.
I’m having a real problem trusting my doctor. It’s not that I don’t think she’s a good RE, but I would be questioning any doctor right now. I really wish I could just have faith that she is doing what’s best for my situation, but I can’t. I couldn’t with any doctor. It’s just hard to know whether or not this whole transfer situation is responsible for my failed IVFs. No one really knows and that DRIVES ME CRAZY. I need an answer damn it, and no one can give that to me. I just want someone to tell me to do A, B, and C and then it will work. The not knowing is so frustrating.
Sometimes this stuff isn’t hard to deal with, but sometimes it just piles up and causes my stress level to skyrocket. Uncertainty and I don’t get along very well, but since that’s what IVF is all about, I guess I’m just going to have to get used to it.
The Fun Never Ends January 7, 2005
After yesterday’s knee incident I thought I had experienced enough excitement for the time being. Guess not. Things got even more interesting.
Warning to Blog-oholics: Do not leave cinnamon toast in a new and unfamiliar toaster oven, even for a minute or two, while making a trip into the next room to refresh Bloglines so that you can check out the latest blog posts. This could happen:
Oh, yes. We live in an apartment, so the kitchen opens onto the living room, but nonetheless I couldn’t see the toaster oven from where the laptop is set up in the living room. I trotted on over back to the kitchen only to discover smoke pouring out of the toaster oven. The next few minutes consisted of a mad dash of turning off the toaster oven, removing burnt toast from said oven, opening the windows to let smoke out while letting cold air in, and standing on a chair in order to wave the nearest object (my husband’s jacket) at the smoke detector in an attempt to stop the loud shrieking noise it insisted on emitting. Oh, my. Crazy times.
This morning I woke up to a very sore knee. I expected as much, but it still wasn’t fun. I got up and saw my husband off to work, fed the kitties, and got back in bed. I had barely had time to close my eyes when I started to smell a very foul odor (and no, it wasn’t the leftover burnt smell still circulating the apartment). I sat up and noticed that my old lady kitty (she’s 16) had apparently made a trip to the litter box without completing the job. The stink was coming from my poor cat’s butt. Obviously having crap stuck to your butt would drive anyone crazy, so my cat was running around the bed like a mad woman. I tried valiantly to attend to the situation with a handful of kleenex, but she would have none of it. She much preferred to drag her ass all over the sheets, comforter, and down blanket I leave at the foot of the bed for the cats. There was cat crap everywhere, and it was not a pretty site.
I finally caught her in the living room, but by that point she had done a pretty good job of ridding herself of the problem. So, back to the bedroom I went to try to take care of the bedding situation. I cleaned up everything as well as I could, totally stripped the bed, and made a beeline for the laundry room. It’s pretty funny now, but I assure you, it was not funny at the time.
So, I’m all ready for boring. This is just too much.
Um, Do You Think My Body’s Trying To Tell Me Something? January 6, 2005
So, here’s the deal. I’m in need of Lupron, thus I need to get myself to the pharmacy. The problem is that we still only have one car. This is not usually a problem, but this week my husband is working a bigillion hours a day, because the arbitration for the big case he’s working on started back up again on Monday. For example, he got up at 5am on Tuesday to go to work. He got back home at 1am and proceeded to get back up at 5am on Wednesday to do it all again. Thankfully, the arbitration is only scheduled to go through Saturday, but that doesn’t help out the car situation right now. Normally, when I need the car I just drop him off at work and pick him back up when he’s done. I am not, however, doing that at 5am and 1am. So, carless I sit.
The plan was for me to walk to Target to fill my Lupron Rx. Why not just order it from a specialty infertility pharmacy and have it delivered to my door, you ask. Because Lupron is the ONE prescription that my insurance will pay for, so I have to get it from a local pharmacy. The walk to Target is about 2.5-3 miles round trip. That’s not that bad considering I often times walk that far on the treadmill.
So, I was getting ready to make the hike this afternoon and opened the closet door to get a sweater. One of my kitties snuck into said closet and didn’t want to come out. I squatted down to get her and felt my right knee just go. I have trouble with my knees all of the time due to the condition (chondromalacia patella) that resulted from years of abuse dance. This, however, was scary. I immediately fell over in pain. While being comforted by my kitty who remained in the closet, I tried to move my leg. I felt (and heard) a major pop. My knees pop a lot, but this was serious. I managed to get the cat out of the closet and myself up on my feet, but it was obvious that I was not making the trip to the pharmacy today.
I immediately put ice on it, and it’s doing better, but I think I’ll be avoiding the treadmill for a while. I’m pretty sure I haven’t done any permanent damage, but we’ll see. I can walk/hobble around the apartment now without being in major pain, so that’s good. My mom happened to call shortly after the incident, and she said that my body really must not want to deal with the Lupron again.
So, who knows when I’ll ever get my darn Lupron. I’ve still got a few days to figure that out. It’s just that it seems like it’s one thing after another around here. At least things aren’t boring.
Getting My Butt In Gear January 5, 2005
So, I’m scheduled to start shooting up again in less than a week, but guess what? I have yet to get my drugs. It’s kind of funny in contrast to my first cycle where I got all of my meds way ahead of time and had them set up and organized in the pantry way before my first injection. This time, not so much. I guess I really should get on that.
I actually have ordered my stims. I just ordered them from IVFMeds and have been impressed with them so far. I love the fact that I didn’t have to actually speak to a single person in the entire ordering process. You can submit an order on their website and just upload a scanned version of your Rx. Fantastic. We’ll see how long it takes for them to get here. So, between having gotten lucky in the donated drug department and ordering the rest of my stims from jolly old England, we’re gonna save a bunch this cycle. That’s a very good thing since one day’s worth of stims this time around will average almost $300.
Now I have to get my Lupron and various other sundries. I purposely didn’t order my PIO from IVFMeds, because I don’t care how much it would have saved me, I’m not giving up my double dosed PIO. No siree. I really need to focus on obtaining that darn “evil in a bottle” crap since it’s first up to bat. I shall get on that ASAP.
I guess if I get truly desperate I can always dig into my stash of vials left in the fridge that should have met the trash a long time ago. I know that Lupron and Gonal-F do not stay good indefinitely, but I still have my leftovers from both cycles sitting in the refrigerator. I just can’t bring myself to throw them out. Same thing with my sharps containers. I’ve filled two and half sharps containers but have yet to bring them to my RE’s office. I just can’t get rid of the darn things.
Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get all of my meds in time, but it’s quite interesting to see how my attitude about all of this has changed from cycle to cycle. Fun stuff.
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