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parenthood after dealing with male factor infertility and multiple IVF cycles

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Plan B F January 17, 2005

I’m all about having a back up plan. It’s been tougher this time around, though. We seem to be going through a lot of back up plans these days:

Plan A: Have sex- That worked well.
Plan B: Hubby’s surgery to bypass blockages- Not so much. Too many blockages.
Plan C: IVF/ICSI- Seemed to be going ok until transfer day and then beta day.
Plan D: FET- Nope again. Three more beautiful blasts led us nowhere.
Plan E: Round 3, another IVF: We shall see.
Plan F: ?

I think we basically have four options if this IVF fails and we have nothing to freeze. If we’re lucky enough to have embryos frozen our choice we’ll be easy. We’ll do another FET. If a FET is not an option or if we do a FET and it fails, then we’ll have to make some tough decisions.

1) Another fresh cycle.
2) Donor sperm IUI.
3) Donor embryo FET.
4) Adoption.

We’ve pretty much eliminated choice one. After this upcoming cycle we will have put about $30K and a ton of blood, sweat, and tears into this IVF business. That’s enough in our minds. I’ll never say never, but I don’t think we’ll be doing another fresh cycle. I think I could do it (you’d never know it from my whining, though, huh?) but I don’t want to put my husband through all of this again. I see how these IVF failures are pushing him closer and closer to giving up completely. I just don’t want to get to that place where he’s not open to other options.

Donor sperm IUI is definitely an option for our situation, but I don’t think it’s at the top of the list. It would make sense logistically speaking, since we’re dealing with male factor infertility. It’s by far the cheapest option, but money hasn’t guided our decision making process so far, so why should it be considered over everything else starting now? There are two main drawbacks to this option in my mind. We’ll still have to deal with my wonky cervix. I mean, how many IUI’s are done under anesthesia? Also, there’s the equality of the biological connection issue. Genetics are not the most important factor when trying to decide how to go about all of this, but there’s just something about having my genetics come into play and not my husband’s.

Donor embryo FET would be another option, but it’s much harder to come about donor embryos than donor sperm. I know my RE has a donor embryo program, but I have no idea how long the waiting list is or what the program entails. We’d still have to deal with the cervix issue here, too.

Both options 2 and 3 would allow me to experience pregnancy assuming they eventually worked. That’s the thing, though. Who’s to say that either of those options would work if IVF didn’t?

We’re also considering adoption. I have to be honest, the adoption process scares the crap out of me. It just seems so hard. So much red tape, so much paperwork, so much waiting. I’ve started researching adoption. I know that when we first found out that IVF was a possibility in our future that it seemed overwhelming, too. I’ve spent millions of hours researching IVF, not to mention the fact that I’m getting pretty good at the actual process now, so it’s only natural for me to feel more comfortable with it. One thing that’s appealing about adoption is that we could actually end up with a child at the end of the process. I know that adoption is no guarantee, but it’s got to have better odds than IVF. The whole missing out on the pregnancy experience gets to me sometimes, though.

Obviously, choices 2, 3, and 4 require letting go of the biological connection. So, basically, if this IVF or any possible subsequent FETs fail to work then my husband and I will most likely never have a biological child. Man, that was hard to write and hear in my head. I don’t know if I’m ready to come to terms with that yet. I know that I will be able to if need be, but that’s so tough. I know in my head that genetics are not the most important thing, but oh how my heart aches to think that I may never be able to look at my child and see my husband’s amazing eyes or be able to do silly things like laughing with my daughter about how she inherited her mother’s and grandmother’s tiny boobs and big butt. This is really tough stuff. Really fucking tough.

I think right now we’re leaning more towards adoption, but who really knows. I haven’t had that moment where I just know what’s best for our next step. I know I need to do a lot more research, a lot more pondering, and a lot more discussing with my husband. This stuff is hard. It’s hard when you have this long term idea of how your family will be formed and then you have to keep altering that image bit by bit. I know that I want us to be able to have a child. Who knows which way that child will come into our lives. I know, with all my heart, that no matter which road we go down or how long this seemingly never ending process takes, that it will be worth it. That’s just about the only thing I know for sure.

• Posted in : IVF Part 3: IVF #2, various other ramblings
• Author : amanda

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