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Plan F Revisited January 18, 2005

Now that I’ve had a shower, I can get back to my thoughts on Plan F. Getting that post out of my head and onto the computer screen was pretty cathartic for me. It made me realize how I really feel about all of it.

I’m not ready to move on to other options that would require us to lose the biological connection. Not yet, anyway. I know in my head that having a child by way of donor sperm, donor embryos, or adoption would be amazing. I know that I would cherish that child no matter how he or she came into our lives. But, I’m just not ready to give up that image I have imprinted on my heart of a biological family. I’m not there yet.

Last night I asked my husband if he had read my “Plan F” post, and he replied that he had. I asked him what he thought about it, and he said that he wasn’t sure yet. I told him that getting all of that out had made things a little clearer for me, and he wanted to know how so. All of a sudden it just hit me, and I broke out into tears. I told him that I wanted to keep trying IVF. He then said, “We can’t do IVF indefinitely.” He’s right, of course. You want to know what I said, though? “We don’t have to do it indefinitely, just until it works.” I know that is not a rational thought. I know that we can’t just keep at this IVF stuff. It’s wearing us out physically, emotionally, and financially.

I’m just having a major heart/head battle. My head is very logical. It says that we need to move on to other options if this IVF doesn’t work. It makes sense not to keep trying at something that’s obviously not working. Oh, but my heart is trying really hard to speak louder than my head. I want to have my husband’s child. I want that so badly.

I know that I still have this upcoming IVF to add to the equation. It may work and then all of this would be moot, but we all know that there’s a better chance that it won’t. I need to be thinking all of this through as I go through this cycle. The thing that allowed me to pick up the tiny pieces of my heart after my previous IVF failures was knowing that I had another chance, knowing that it wasn’t over. I think if I went into this cycle without even a semblance of a back up plan, that I would have a much harder time recovering from the probable post cycle crash. I have to be able to pull myself back up, and looking forward to the next step helps.

I hate that we even have to be put in the position to make these kinds of decisions. I hate it so much, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept that nothing about having a child has been or will be easy for us. It sucks, but it’s reality. Who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky, but I’m not counting on it. I am counting on being able to have some path to follow after this cycle is over. We just have to figure out what path that will be.

Comments»

1. la gringa - January 18, 2005

It’s more than a tough decision. It’s seemingly impossible. My DH and I came to agreement on using donor sperm relatively early in the whole process, but the closer we get to having that as a real possibility, the more freaked out I am and the more I wonder if it’s really the right decision.
I’m so sorry that you (may) have to figure out a Plan F. My fingers and toes are crossed that this next fresh cycle will be THE one and all of this will be moot.
As always, I’m thinking of you and sending all sorts of good vibes your way.

2. Anonymous - January 18, 2005

There are therapists out there to help with this exact problem. I went to one and (even though I wanted to throw my tear stained, wadded up snotty kleenex at her at times) it really helped with decision making. Resolve in your area can hook you up. Good luck with THE PLAN.
Hugs. Jen/VintageUterus

3. Suz - January 18, 2005

I hope that this cycle is the one and that you never have to utilize Plan F. I truly, truly do.

4. Dee - January 19, 2005

How I too hope you don’t ever have to utilize Plan F. But if you do, know that we’ll be here to support you every step of the way.

5. Sheri - January 20, 2005

It is very difficult to decide the right path for you. For us it helped to ask myself what I most wanted and listing the pros and cons of each option. The plan just revealed itself from there.
Thinking of you.