Feeling a Little Better… January 3, 2005
At least for today. Of course, being the queen of mood swings, I reserve the right to feel down in the dumps again at any point. It’s hard not to feel hopeless sometimes. It’s hard not to constantly wonder if this IVF stuff will ever work for us, but I’m trying not to let all of this get me down all the time.
So, mentally I’m doing better today. Physically is another story. I don’t know what my deal is but I can’t stop eating. I’ve gained a couple of pounds since my last cycle. I’m sure taking birth control pills and doing the whole holiday eating thing doesn’t help the situation any. Last night I told my husband that I should take some belly pics like preggo women do. Not that I would want a permanent record of my non pregnant, yet ever growing belly, but I thought it was funny.
It’s amazing to me how my outlook and attitude can change from day to day, even hour to hour. It just goes to show how emotionally draining all of this is. You can fight it all you want, but sometimes it’s going to drag you down. I’ve come to realize that that’s ok. It’s ok to feel like total crap sometimes. I just have to remember that even if I don’t always feel like it, that I have the strength to pick myself up and face this shit head on. Some days may require much deeper digging than others, but that’s ok, too.
Having Some Serious Doubts January 2, 2005
I’m not doubting our decision to do IVF again, but I am, however, having serious doubts about whether or not this will ever work for us. I knew the odds going into this IVF business, but if you would have asked me about our chances for success before we got on this damn roller coaster, I would have said that I thought we would have a pretty good chance for success eventually. Now, I don’t know. “Eventually” is fastly fading into “never gonna happen.”
It’s hard being left behind. I know that a lot of people aren’t successful with IVF until their third or fourth or
bigillionth cycle, but it’s tough to watch success after success while I’m sitting in failure-land. I am happy for the people I’ve cycled with on message boards and people who have gone through successful IVFs in blogland while I’ve been at this, but it doesn’t cut the sting any. I’m trying really hard not to venture into “why me” territory, but it’s hard.
I could spout out example after example of “We cycled together and now I’m 20 months pregnant with twins” or “Out of everyone one posting on this thread, I’m the only one who hasn’t gotten pregnant” type of situations, but it would take up this entire post. Plus, it’s just pointless.
I guess I’m just having one of those hopeless days. It’s hard not to when we’ve gotten slammed with a big fat NO from the universe time and time again. I really do wonder if it will ever be our turn. I wish so badly for that day to come, but who really knows. I sure as hell don’t.
« newer posts