I’m Tired February 8, 2005
I’ve been trying to figure out a back up plan in case/when this IVF fails. I’ve blogged about it before and have continued to think about it, but I still don’t have the foggiest notion about what comes next. It’s tiring to have to be constantly trying to come up with another Plan B. Haven’t we gone through enough of them already?
It’s hard to be staring at the end of the road. I can look out and see where the damn thing just ends out of nowhere, and we’re getting closer and closer. IVF is tough, but it’s a billion times tougher when you’re nearing the end. Before we started our first IVF I had hope that it would work eventually. I don’t now. I’m all hoped out.
Our options are becoming more limited. It appears that my cervix is closely related to Fort Knox, and will do everything possible to keep anything and everything from entering the premises. This would include catheters containing our embryos, donor embryos, or donor sperm. It seems that my cervix does not like any of the options under the ART umbrella. Well, there may be one exception: ZIFT. Having our embryos inserted laparoscopically into my tubes would bypass the whole cervix situation. Of course this is even more expensive than a regular IVF cycle and carries with it the same uncertainties that we’ve already been dealing with.
Then there’s adoption. I’m trying really hard to educate myself about adoption. I’ve checked out an armful of books from the library, perused adoption agency websites, and scoured adoption message boards, but the more I try to look into adoption, the more unsure I become. Maybe I’m scared to move on. Maybe it’s just not right for me. Maybe I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
I guess I need to table operation Plan B for now. I know that it will make for a harder landing if I don’t have a backup plan come beta day, but I’m getting nowhere right now. Maybe I just need to wait until after cycle #3 comes to an end. I’m just worn out right now. So damn worn out.
*Disclaimer* I know it seems as though I have given up all hope that this cycle will work. Basically, I have. It’s not that I don’t want it to work. I want it to work with all of my heart. I can’t even begin to explain how much I want to see a second line this time. I’m just having a really tough time with the fact that this could be the last chance we get at having bio kids. Who really knows what we’ll decide to do should we face another failed cycle, but I have to acknowledge the fact that this could be it. So, I’m going to have to ask for a big favor. Could you guys just hope for me? I just can’t bring myself to do it again. It’s too hard. I hate the fact that I’m sitting here in tears right now, because I can’t bring myself to have hope for these three little embryos. I want this so badly, but it’s just so hard. So hard to let myself hope. It just hurts my heart, ya know.
I was literally about to hit the “Publish Post” button just now when the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID, and it was my RE’s office. I figured someone was just calling to see how I was doing. That was partially true, but then my IVF coordinator gave me some news that shocked me to the core. The embryologist continued to culture our “stuck” embryos overnight and three of the 8 celled ones made it to blast and were frozen. They went from 8 cells yesterday to blast this morning. I guess they decided to make up for lost time or something. One is grade 4 and the other two are grade 3, so they’re not awesome blasts, but I don’t care. I’m just so relieved. My IVF coordinator said that grade 3 is average and that they’ve seen pregnancies result from grade 3 blasts before.
I hung up the phone and IM’d my husband to call home when he got a chance. He called right away but could not understand a single word I was saying because I was bawling so hard. I just can’t believe it. Here I am writing a post about the end, and I get a call telling us that we have another chance should this cycle not work. When I was on the phone with my husband I kept sobbing, “It’s not the end” over and over again.
I thought about just deleting the first part of this post and writing a new “good news” post, but I decided to leave it all. It just goes to show that IVF is full of unexpected twists and turns that can hit at any time. Holy crap. We have frozen embryos.
- Posted in : IVF Part 3: IVF #2
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I’m over here, rejoicing at the good news and hoping hoping hoping for you that you never even need those frozen blasts.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news!!!
Fantastic news! And also, since I didn’t get over to comment yesterday, congrats on the three blasts you did have to transfer. There are more stories than you can count about “less than perfect” embies being the ones that go the 9 month distance, so I will definitely be out here hoping, wishing, and praying for you until beta day and beyond.
Oh, Amanda, thank goodness. Talk about highs and lows in two minutes flat. Bless those beautiful frozen embryos.
I can understand why you’re too tired to hope — but I am very hopeful for your cycle. Come on, little sparks, stick!
(This is Dawn - I hate blogger as for some reason my HOME PC will not let me comment any way but anonymously!)
I know this was not your intent with your post, but it perfectly displays the roller coaster ride that is infertility. There are enormous ups and downs. You can be at your lowest of lows one moment and suddenly get fabulous news.
So, based on that, it is no wonder you are so unclear about what the NEXT STEP is - what your plan B is. It is such a crazy ride, and if I can offer my two cents I would simply say try not to worry TOO much yet on the “WHAT NEXT” until you are forced to. You’ve got enough just dealing with each IVF/FET one at a time, don’t try to figure it all out in one night. Me personally, I am sort of hoping that my plan, A, B or otherwise, will present itself to me and become very obvious when I get there. In the meantime, I am not going to keep trying to figure out what I need to do next. One day at a time - because each day is tough enough as it is!
Oh my gosh!! I was right there on that roller coaster with you during that post! In fact, let me just get by breath for a minute. Hope springs eternal at Amanda’s website today. Thank God you don’t need to go down the scary “what if” road right now and here’s hoping that this cycle does it and that you won’t need to go down that road ever.
Oh sweetie, I am crying so hard right now for you.
I am so glad you kept the post as written. You are right, it is true to life.
Thinking of you.
Hoping for you.
Praying for you and your family.
Love you.
Hang in there. You are doing great.
Wow, Amanda, what a day you’ve had. I am hoping so very hard for you, and how wonderful that the other embies pulled up their socks and went to blast!
Hooray! That is good news! :)
Good news indeed! I’m so happy for you.
What wonderful news about those embies getting their act together! I’m glad for this good news–how I hated that you’d lost hope and were facing the end of your road. I’m so happy the story has more chapters to come and the road winds back over the hill, out of sight.
I’m hoping so hard for you that at least one, if not more, of those little buddies in you now decides to take up permanent residence for the next 40 weeks.