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Terrified February 15, 2005

I’m terrified of another failed cycle. I’m terrified of another negative beta. I’m terrified of another “I’m so sorry” phone call. I’m terrified of having my heart broken yet again.

I’m still dying to know, though. I’m sure once I get the result I will be wishing I could rewind back into not knowing land, but I still wanna know. I’m really not good with this waiting stuff.

I really don’t feel any different than I did during the two week waits of my other cycles, and that makes me nervous. What makes me the most nervous is the cramping. I know that it can be caused by the progesterone, and I know that some people even think that it’s a good sign but not me. I’ve had this same type of cramping the other two times, so it doesn’t bode well in my mind.

This is torture. It truly is. I am trying my hardest not to get my hopes up, because I know the chances of having the happily ever after ending are slim to none. I want it to have worked so badly, though.

I’m really scared of having to pick myself up off of the floor again. I’m scared of having to pick up the teeny tiny pieces of my heart again. It is so hard. I just don’t know if I have it in me. I’m terrified that I don’t. I mean, how many times can one person survive that?

The FREDs have not come out of their boxes yet, but they are getting rambunctious in there. They want out as soon as possible. I want to let them out, but I don’t. I’m just so scared of seeing that one line again. I know that I’ll break them out sooner rather than later, though. I have to know. I can’t put off the inevitable forever. I just wish this stuff didn’t scare the crap out of me.

Comments»

1. Beaver Girl - February 15, 2005

I’m sorry you are going through this, Amanda. I am thinking of you.

2. Wavery - February 15, 2005

You want it, you’re going to be hurt if it doesn’t happen, you’re tough and will eventually get off the floor. I hope you get to bypass the cycle once and for all but if you don’t, know we’re reading and with you.

3. Sheri - February 15, 2005

It is all so very hard.
I’m thinking of you.

4. Brenda Sumner - February 15, 2005

Right there with you, toots.

I know how hard this is…
Thinking of you.

*hugs*

5. Karen - February 15, 2005

I know. I knowiknowiknow. Just where you are. I’m so hoping good things for you.

Karen/Naked ovary

6. Julianna - February 15, 2005

I am thinking of you so much. I just got home, logged on, to check on you. Now I can go fix my husband some dinner.

My thoughts and prayers are with you Amanda.

7. Anonymous - February 16, 2005

I so understand – this is such a hard time, hang in there. Thinking of you. Dana

8. Connie - April 24, 2011

Real brain power on display. Thkans for that answer!