Why Can’t I Get a Fucking Break? February 21, 2005
It’s over. Beta was 37. I’ve been told to discontinue meds and go back in a week for another beta to make sure it’s dropped to 0.
Where do we go from here? I honestly don’t know. It breaks my heart to think that this might never happen for us. As much as I tried not to get my hopes up, I couldn’t help but feel different after I got a positive beta. What if I never get to feel that again?
After my two previous failed cycles I was devastated but still had some fight left in me. I was determined not to let one/two failed cycles throw me off the track. Now I’m just devastated. I don’t know how to keep fighting. I hope that determination will come back soon. I don’t think my heart could handle it if I had to give up on my dream. I don’t think I’d make it.
So, how do you keep going? How do you keep pouring tens of thousands of dollars into something that has gotten you nowhere? How do you let yourself be vulnerable to sheer and utter heartbreak again?
All I know is that my heart still yearns for a child. That hasn’t changed. Each failure makes me realize even more how much I want this. I’m scared that it’s never going to happen, though. I don’t think I’ve ever been more terrified in my life.
- Posted in : IVF Part 3: IVF #2
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I’ve got cake and booze. And I’m right here next to you.
Email me if you want company.
Jen/VintageUterus
I’m so sorry, Amanda.
*hugs*
I’m so sorry.
I’m very sorry, Amanda.
oh sweetie. I am crying right here with you. I am so, so sorry.
Oh for Fuck’s sake. What a crappy day. I am so, so sorry.
I am crying so hard right now. I am so very sorry….sweet, sweet Amanda.
Oh, I just cannot believe it.
I’m so sorry, Amanda.
Oh, Amanda I am so very sorry.
Oh honey I am crushed for you. Ugggg!!!! Personally I wouldnt make any huge decisions today. Thinking of you - Dana
Amanda. Damn I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry!
I’m so sorry. You’re in my thoughts.
Danae
Thinking of you, hating the universe.
Amanda, I’m so sorry. I’m sending you hope and strength.
- getupgrrl
I’m so so so sorry! My heart is breaking for you {{{{{{}}}}}}
Amanda, I can’t tell you how very sorry I am. There are no words.
I’m so very sorry.
I am so sorry. Thinking of you. . .
I’m so, so sorry.
Emily
scrambledeggs
I am really sorry Amanda. Hope this doenst become a trend.
Amanda, I’m so sorry. I wish I could say something else that would help, but just know you’re in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry, was really hoping this was it for you. I don’t know how you keep going. I guess you just put one foot in front of the other, regroup and reconsider options, then make your difficult choice. Thinking of you.
My heart aches with you.
Amanda, I’m so sorry I so wanted to believe for you. Please take care of your self.
-Anne
I’m so, so sorry, Amanda.
xxoo
I’m so sorry, Amanda. I wanted this so, so badly for you.
Oh no. Amanda I am so sorry to hear that.
Amanda, delurking to say I am so very sorry. This is so unfair.
Amanda, I am so truly sorry. This sucks so large.
Please take good care of yourself.
So terribly sorry- this is just awful. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Oh, Amanda, I am so very sorry. Damn how I was hoping along with you and everyone else….
I don’t have any magic words on how you keep going. I think Galloping Cats said it best above. Somehow you find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and go on. That strength lies within you, quietly waiting to be brought to front and center.
The strength will come back…and you’ll decide what’s best for you and your husband. In the meantime though, please be kind to you.
I’m sorry, Amanda. I’m so, so, sorry.
Oh honey I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.
Thinking of you.
Oh Amanda . . . I’m so sorry. Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry to hear your shitty news. Take care.
Here to help you get back up, when you’re ready. Do something nice for yourself. This is a big blow and I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
*hugs*
blog lurker
I wish there were answers. I am so damn sorry, Amanda. I don’t understand…”unfair” doesn’t begin to describe it. I love you, and am sending you a big bottle of virtual wine.
Amanda, I am so sorry! Do what you have to do right now to get through this and don’t make any decisions. You will get through this though I know it is hard to believe at times.
Amanda, I am so very sorry. I was so hoping for you.
I’m so sorry, Amanda. I’ve asked the same questions that you did and I wish I had the answers. It’s a hard road but, as you can see, not an empty one.
I am so sorry. That just sucks.
Oh shit. Such bad news on the Internet recently. I’m so, so sorry, Amanda. I don’t know what to say except how sorry I am.
karen/naked ovary