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My Brain’s Too Fried to Think of a Title February 22, 2005

Right now I’m reading When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I actually requested it from the library before I got the results of this cycle. I had a feeling it might come in handy.

There was one part in the introduction to the book that really hit home with me. The author talks about an experiment that was performed to study pain. Participants were tested to see how long they could keep a bare foot in a bucket of ice water. It turns out that they could keep their foot in twice as long if someone else was in the room. The author goes on to say:

The presence of another caring person doubles the amount of pain a person can endure.

I completely agree. Knowing that all of you are “in the room” with me makes me believe that I get through this pain once again.

The fight that I know is in there somewhere will come out one day, hopefully one day soon. I will get through this just like I got through the other heartbreaks. It’s definitely harder this time, though. Much.

I’m not going to pretend I’m ok right now. I’m not. I got drunk last night, slept in til 10 this morning, didn’t take a shower until 2, and had nothing but chocolate to eat until 3. Not pretty. It will get better, though. It has to.

What’s really hard for me is not being able to jump right back into things. I’m sure my body will enjoy a break. Poor thing hasn’t had an unmedicated cycle since July, but my mind doesn’t handle the waiting well. I need to be doing something or it drives me crazy. The thing is, though, that I don’t have a fucking clue what to do. It’s obvious that we can’t just go jumping into another cycle willy nilly. That’s just not working. I have a follow up with my RE when I go back to have my “we need to make sure your levels have bottomed out to a big fat zero” beta on Monday. I’m not holding out hope for groundbreaking answers, though. I’m sure one of these years we’ll figure out what the next step will be. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

I guess I got sidetracked from my point. Can you tell I’m feeling a tad discombobulated? Anyway, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. How the hell would I make it without you guys?

Comments»

1. Suz - February 22, 2005

I’m completely blown away by your strength - both to grieve, and then, when the time is right, to begin again. Please know that I am thinking of you.

2. Julianna - February 22, 2005

I thought about you so much today. Hang in there.

3. Lisa - February 22, 2005

I’m in the same boat as you, Amanda (male factor & the possibility that I might never have a biological child with my husband), and just wanted to let you know that, believe it or not, the passage of time does help you deal with the blow(s) and begin to think about the next step. The pain and grief stay with me every day, but reading all of these EXCELLENT blogs helps get me through it. Life can be (and often is) shit, there’s no doubt about it, but at least we have this community.

Take care,
Lisa

4. Lisa - February 22, 2005

I’m in the same boat as you, Amanda (male factor & the possibility that I might never have a biological child with my husband), and just wanted to let you know that, believe it or not, the passage of time does help you deal with the blow(s) and begin to think about the next step. The pain and grief stay with me every day, but reading all of these EXCELLENT blogs helps get me through it. Life can be (and often is) shit, there’s no doubt about it, but at least we have this community.

Take care,
Lisa

5. Lisa F. - February 22, 2005

I am very sorry for what you are going through. My husband and I also suffer from infertility due to male factor. I thought I was completely fine, and even had a normal HSG. Right before my first IVF last September, a saline sono showed a slight abnormality of my uterus. The doctor thought it was bicornuate, and recommended that we go on with the cycle. I did get pregnant, but had a miscarriage at six weeks. I had extensive bloodwork done to see if there was anything that would cause a miscarriage, which there was not. I then had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy, and discovered that I had a uterine septum rather than a bicornuate uterus, along with some endometriosis and scarring. All along I thought I was fine, but I was not. I guess what I am trying to say is that some bloodwork and maybe a laparoscopy wouldn’t hurt? Good luck.

6. amyesq - February 22, 2005

And some of us have been in the same room before so we can have some empathy for you, dear Amanda. I am sorry you are here and please don’t feel guilty that you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. It will show up eventually. Please take care of yourself.

7. Joanne - February 23, 2005

Here with you, Amanda, mourning with you and sending you love.2/23/2005 11:59 AM

8. Kristin - February 23, 2005

I am so, so sorry Amanda. I wish I could take away some of the pain.

9. Anonymous - February 23, 2005

Hi Amanda. I almost never comment, but I just wanted to say that I am thinking about you.
-Abby (abfausto@hotmail.com)

10. Julianna - February 23, 2005

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.

11. Anantya - February 25, 2005

*big hug*