Dusting Off the Boxing Gloves February 24, 2005
The fight’s definitely still there. I think one way I know I’m not done with this crap is that my urge to determine the next step is still there. Maybe even stronger than ever. I need to know what comes next. It’s driving me crazy that I have to wait until Monday for my follow up appointment. I even called back today to see if I could get in this week. No such luck, though.
I know I deal with these damn IVF failures in an atypical way. Well, at least that’s the way it seems. So many of my IVF buddies keep throwing that “take a break” phrase at me. I don’t want a break, damn it. I want to keep going. I want to figure out what the hell is wrong and attempt to fix it. I know it helps a lot of people to try to get away from the IVF world (as much as is possible) after a failed cycle. That’s great if it works for them. It doesn’t work for me. I need to be doing something about it. I told my husband the other day that I missed my shots, and I do. It’s not that I miss having a big 1.5 inch needle shoved into my flesh every day. I miss the feeling of doing something about all of this crap.
Since I can’t do anything physically right now, I’ve been researching the hell out of everything I can think of. I’ve been on the internet playing RE for hours and hours the past few days. My head is swirling with stuff like immune testing, sperm dna fragmentation testing, endometrial biopsies, and the list goes on. Sure, I may be driving myself crazy with information about things that may or may not be applicable to our situation, but so what. I’m already crazy. At least I feel like I’m doing something.
Some would call me obsessive. Ok, most would. That’s ok. If this is what it takes for me to get through this shit then so be it. I tend to think I’m a tad obsessive, but I like to think it’s more determination than anything. I’m determined to get through another heartbreak. I’m determined to get answers. I’m determined to try again. I am determined to have a child. One way or another I know that my husband and I will be parents. I have no fucking clue what that way will be or when it will finally happen for us, but I’m not going to retire these boxing gloves until that day arrives.
- Posted in : IVF Part 3: IVF #2, testing, testing, 1,2,3
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I know you have a mean right hook in there and know what you mean by obsessing. I’ve been doing it since we were diagnoised; you have to do what gets you through. I’m thinking of you…
1) I think your desire to get up and do something and try again is normal. I’m not doing IVF but I’m sure I’d feel that way after a failed cycle. One of the questions I asked before leaving the dr’s office upon discovering no heartbeat was when I could try again. It wasn’t until I could start ov
er (9 goddamm weeks to get my period) that I started to feel better.
2) I think we all have a responsibility to research our own medical situations and come prepared with hard questions for our doctors, so don’t let anybody convince you that consulting Dr. Google is wrong.
3) You mention the immune stuff and this is my particular area of pseudo-specialty. (My OB just told me I was ready for my rheumatology boards– go psych major me!) Would be happy to share what I have learned and direct you towards specific sources I found helpful if you are interested.
4) I wouldn’t want to meet you in a boxing ring. Glad you’ve still got some fight. Sorry that you have to, though.
Fight the good fight Amanda.
Thinking of you.
Being in the ring is better than being in the bed. I am miserable when the fight is taken out of me.
“There will be no white flags”
Thinking of you.
Yeah, you go girl. I haven’t been through what you have, but I know that feeling- of wanting to scrap it out rather than call it quits. Thinking of you.
Good for you, Amanda. Keep up the good fight. Thinking of you.
Nina
I am the same exact way. I will not give up until I have a child. After my miscarriage in October, I did exactly what you are doing, researching the internet and harassing my doctors until they did the right thing. Had I not pushed, the bloodwork wouldn’t have been done and the surgery wouldn’t have happened. Good luck, and don’t give up!
Taking a break never sounded good to me either. Keep going if that’s what’s right for you!
I just wanna say: You go, girl!
Alright! Glad to see the old fighting Amanda putting in an appearance. I can’t wait to hear what the doc has to say on Monday.