Full Disclosure March 19, 2005
You wanna know the truth about the size 0 dress? It was a little too big, but you want to know where? The upper body. That’s right, if I just had boobs that dress would have fit. It’s no fun to never be able to fill out the top of a dress like that. Plus, it was actually a miracle that the rest of the dress fit so well. My waist to ass ratio is definitely heavy on the ass side of the equation.
The thing is that it doesn’t matter what size the label on a piece of clothing says, it’s all about how you view yourself. Quite honestly, I have a shitty self body image. I mean really shitty. It’s not surprising. I wore a leotard and tights more days than I can count. That’s what happens when you start studying ballet at the age of 3 and don’t stop dancing until you’re out of college. Can you imagine spending 6 days a week staring at yourself in a floor to ceiling mirror that covers the length of the room while you’re wearing a leotard and tights? Can you imagine doing that while going through adolescence? It’s tough. It doesn’t matter if you’re skinny. A huge part of ballet is watching your body. When you’re learning the correct technique it’s a major way of knowing if you’re doing things correctly or not. Intense scrutiny of your body for years and years has a lasting affect. I took away so many great things from my dancing days. A great body image was not one of them, though.
I hate looking at myself without clothes on. My body grosses me out a lot of times. It doesn’t matter that I weigh 103 pounds and can fit into a size 0. Hell, in high school I weighed 95 pounds and was really fit, and I still could find tons of faults with my body.
Wanna see? In the spirit of full disclosure, I will do something that I’ve never done before, show myself. Here’s a picture of my ballet dancing self taken during my senior year of high school. (Just ignore the quality. That picture’s been in my husband’s wallet for years.)
I am skinny. I know that. I am thankful that at 27, I still have just barely broken the triple digits. I am thankful that my body has not changed dramatically since high school. But you know what? A lot of times I still feel fat. I feel gross and ugly no matter what the scale says. Honestly, it’s not something to be envious of. No one should feel this way about themselves.
I’m not expecting anyone to sympathize with me. I expect the “I still hate you for being a size 0″ comments. That’s fine. Really, it is, because if I wasn’t in my head I wouldn’t understand either. You see, this has nothing to do with bragging or anything like that. It has to do with the fact that I will never be able to see myself like others see me. It’s impossible for me. I will never be able to look at myself and think I look fantastic. It’s just not going to happen. You know those wacky mirrors at carnivals that distort how you look? That’s me on a permanent basis.
Please don’t anyone jump the gun and think I’m anorexic or something. I’m not. Trust me, you should see the crap I throw in my mouth. (Ok, that probably won’t elicit any sympathy from anyone either.) Anyway, this is about my head, how my brain views my body. It’s about viewing myself through a tainted lens, and it’s not something I would wish on anyone. It’s hard to like yourself when you hate your body. It’s often times impossible.
I don’t know why I’m throwing all of this out there, and I don’t really expect anyone to get it. Hell, if I were someone else reading this I probably wouldn’t have made it this far into the post. I guess I wrote this partly to explain myself, but it’s more than that. I’ve always known this about myself, but I guess I’ve never actually gotten it out. I don’t expect for it to change anything, but it does feel good just to get it all out there. So, there ya have it. It doesn’t matter what things look like on the outside. You just never know what the fuck is going on in the inside.
- Posted in : various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Whether you believe it or not, you are so wonderful, graceful, and so beautiful.
Your picture moved me to tears for all of the work and struggle that must have gone into learning how to dance like that, not to mention the affect it had on you. My cousin studied dance for years and years, but never made it because she didn’t have the “correct” body type. It was hard, hard, hard for her to recover from.
I remember not liking my body even when I was 5′8″ and 130 pounds; my ballet was my mother, who equated being thin with being valuable. Strangely enough, I’m gradually making peace with my body now that it’s bigger :-).
Most women in today’s society do despise their bodies; we’re just not able to measure up to what the magazines say we should be. It was unfair of us to assume that you were immune because you’re thin.
Take good care of yourself, Amanda; I’m thinking of you.
I’m sorry to have made you feel a need to explain yourself. Mostly I was just kidding around. I know we all have our own body images to deal with. The picture is beautiful and graceful. I myself developed an strong interest in ballet, dancing 3 hours/day 5 days/week, but I didn’t develop that interest until I was in high school and I definitely never had the typical body! Or the feet. I remember my teacher sitting me down and telling me that if I kept dancing on pointe I would end up not being able to walk at all! Take care– only two more days till you see the kitty!
Aw Amanda, just like I suspected. You’re gorgeous! I feel bad that you felt you had to explain yourself. You did get lots of ribbing yesterday and I know you just needed support about your kitty. It is interesting to me that you don’t like your body, given how lovely it is, but everyone does have their issues, I know.
How are you doing today?
Who cares how much or less you have
in the tit area.
What I want to know is…. How the HELL do you stand on your toes like that?????
All while holding your arms out like that!
And just as I suspected… you’re stunning!!!
OHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I am so excited I get to put a face to the blog! You are beautiful and oh my goodness gracious how I LOVE that picture. That would be gorgeous done with those tint paints you see sometimes.
Amanda, I grew up with a sister one year older than me who was petite, petite, petite her whole life. She also has red hair (gorgeous color red) but she has never had a good body image. I got my period before her, I wore a bra before her and that just made her feel worse about everything.
I also was a witness to people mocking her skinniness or making food comments and it hurt just as much as if someone is doing that to a big person.
I don’t know why I am going on like this either, I just want you to feel good.
In my head, I look good and then I pass by a mirror and wonder who the hell that is.
I was thinking the other day how nice it would be to have an “out” day so we can put faces to the blogs for those of us who have never done it. I even thought about the infertile ones getting organized and doing it for let’s say, one hour and then if people want to, they can take their pictures down. I know that I don’t want mine permanently anywhere but it sure is nice putting a face to the minds I love so much.
Take care.
Amanda – You are beautiful! Absolutely gorgeous! Don’t feel bad or alone or different because you have a bad body image of yourself. Truth is, I do not know ONE woman who does not have a bad self-image when it comes to their body. I could write volumes about my own horrible self-image. Even my own mother, with her years of wisdom, cannot be happy with her body. I wish we collectively could learn to be more forgiving of ourselves, and our figures. I think we’d all have a lot less stress! Thanks for the brave, honest post, and for showing us your picture – and your beautiful self!
Hey Amanda, you are one beautiful chick! I know exactly what you mean about being skinny not being any better – a lot of people assume my sister is anorexic (she eats like a horse) but she is naturally thin. So she gets no end of bitchy comments.
I hated my body until I was about … 32 -33 I’d say, and then I gave my head a shake and realised it had to end. At a certain point I realized this is my life and I’m spending it hating myself. What a waste, you know what they say “youth is wasted on the young.” From my perspective now, that is too true.
What a lovely picture, so pretty and graceful! I hope you can appreciate how wonderful you look some day – I know it’s hard to not see what others see.
I still struggle with body image. I’m small, but I still find flaws. Something that has helped ME tremendously is volunteering with children and adolescents with spinal cord injuries. It makes me thankful that my body functions, and I see the beauty in my legs being able to carry me. My body is perfect for what it was meant to do. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where I’m pinching my belly and telling my husband that I’m fat, but working with kids who would just like to get out of their wheelchairs and walk has helped me gain some perspective.
P.S. You’re gorgeous.
As the person who started the whole size 0 teasing in the first place, I am truly sorry. It certainly wasn’t my intent to open
an old wound for you.
Unfortunately, negative body image is something almost every woman can relate to…whether she’s a size 2 or a 22. It’s an ugliness that unites us.
I’m so sorry my flipness hurt you, Amanda. Forgive me?
It takes guts to say all that. *hugs*
Yeah, I know what you mean about hating yourself even when people don’t see why. And I’ve found for me that no amount of their compliments will ever get me to where you love myself; I have to get there on your own. I have some friends who are bigger than I am, and when I complain about my weight, they all look at me like I am an idiot and tell me to shut up. But I’ve been in therapy for my weight since I was 18, and I bet even if I lost it I would still be in therapy.
So I get it. I think as a self-proclaimed bigger girl I always forget that just because someone is smaller than I am that they can’t have the same body hang ups I do.
I hope kitty is feeling better soon, my sweets. You do look lovely in the photo. I was always told I should be a ballerina because my legs are hinged on my hips the wrong way, so I walk like a duck (yay for me!). Unfortunately, I’d crush any guy I hopped on immediately, and no one could ever lift me into the air…so the ballerina idea was scrapped pretty quickly.
kitty get well!
karen/naked ovary
Okay, I meant “I have to get their on MY own,” etc. Stupid me for not proofreading my damn comment. And I’m a freaking English teacher, too. *Hangs head in shame*
k/naked ovary
Amanda- I’m just seeing both posts today. First, what an elegant picture- you are beautiful and its nice to put a face with a blogger.
Another blogger, Cecily, recently posted on the negative body image thing but from the perspective of a larger woman’s negative body image. Check it out: girl culture
Its interesting that you should both comment on this subject within days of each other. Isn’t it sad how women feel so negative about themselves?