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Peaks and Valleys March 27, 2005

It’s not uncommon for my emotions to be all over the map, and yesterday was no exception. I finally, on cycle day 30, got a positive OPK. Um, yeah, that’s a tad on the late side, but I guess it was to be expected since I hadn’t actually let my body have a natural cycle since July. I’m kind of surprised it remembered what to do at all. Anyway, I got sooooo excited about that positive OPK. That’s understandable since that means I don’t have to wait another whole month to do my sonohystogram and endo biopsies. I’m so not good at waiting.

Last night it hit me, though. I was sitting there getting pumped up over a +OPK, a positive OPK whose only purpose was to schedule testing no less, while there are other people out there getting excited over real things. You know, like getting pregnant. How sad is it that the only thing I have to get excited about is the prospect of more testing? Very.

Last night was not good. I was so down in the dumps. I still am, I guess. I feel like it’s never going to be my turn. I’ve paid my dues. When will it happen for me? I know there’s no crystal ball. I know that there are some of us who keep getting screwed over time and time again who may never get lucky. I know that. It’s just hard.

I’m glad when people finally make it over to the "other side." I wouldn’t wish limbo land on anyone. It’s hard for me sometimes, though. It’s hard to be left behind. It gets harder with each failure.

I’m not done fighting, though. I can be sad and determined at the same time. Hell, I think I feel that way a lot. I just wish I didn’t have to jump through so many fucking hoops. It’s so damn tiring.

Comments»

1. Jenn - March 27, 2005

Right there with ya in limbo land. *hugs*

2. Suz - March 27, 2005

Take care of yourself, Amanda. I’m thrilled that you get to move forward with the testing and will be thinking of you.

3. Wavery - March 28, 2005

Yup, I so hear you on the excitement for less than exciting things. But, it’s one agonizing step towards change.

4. Thalia - March 28, 2005

Amanda – so sorry this is such a crap time for you. But the testing has got to be a good thing. I’m also waiting for a test now – an HSG which I had to cancel last cycle. Of course I secretly thought that we’d get pregnant and wouldn’t need it. Hhahahahahahaha! Gosh I’m so funny sometimes.
Thinking of you.
P.S. your blog looks pretty funky on IE 6 at the moment – all the stuff is in funny places, there is no headline, just posts flush from one side of the screen to the other. Is that how it’s supposed to be?

5. Cat, Galloping - March 28, 2005

I think it’s normal and healthy to be excited about a positive OPK for testing purposes, because testing makes you feel like you are doing something, taking action, moving forward. I’m glad that you’ve still got some fight left. Keep fighting and this will happen for you, one way or another.

6. amanda - March 28, 2005

Thanks everybody.

Thalia- I never use IE so I didn’t even think to check it. I just opened my site in IE, and yeah, it’s not supposed to look like that. Thanks for pointing that out. I’ll see what I can do.

7. vhmprincess - March 28, 2005

I understand. I am just SAD…and tired of this endless cycling, when I can see no end in sight. And having other people make it to the other side (while I’m happy for them, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone) it makes me SO SAD for myself. Heartbreaking-ly sad.

dammit, now I’m crying again

8. amanda - March 28, 2005

Thanks to my brilliant husband the IE issue is now fixed. I would have been back to Blogger already if it wasn’t for him. This WordPress stuff isn’t easy.

9. Menita - March 28, 2005

the endless hoops SUCK.
Your new blog home, however, does not.
OK, that was lame, but I had nothing more inspiring to say.
This whole process is so very soul-sucking-out…