jump to navigation

Still in Limbo Land April 29, 2005

I didn’t get the best news at my ultrasound today, but I didn’t get the worst either. I guess there’s something to be said for that. My lining has thickened some but not quite enough. It’s up to 7.5mm. The good news is that those follicles are completely gone, so I can safely stay on the Estrace for a little while longer to see if we can get my lining to thicken up some more. So, I’m upping my Estrace again and going back for another ultrasound on Wednesday. We should know then whether we’ll be able to schedule the transfer or have to cancel the cycle.

At first I was really disappointed with this news, but I guess I need to look on the bright side. I’m not cancelled…yet. And having my hypothetical transfer pushed back a few days will also push back my hypothetical beta. This is actually a good thing, because if I had gotten the go ahead to schedule transfer today and we actually ended up with embryos to transfer then my beta would have been on our anniversary. Not a good thing. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like a negative beta.

Let me not get ahead of myself, though. To worry about beta dates you actually have to have a transfer scheduled and actually have to have embryos survive the thaw. Who knows if either of those things will happen. Right now I’m just going to focus on getting my stubborn lining to thicken up a bit more. That’s enough to worry about.

10 Years Ago Today April 28, 2005

Exactly one decade ago my husband and I went on our first date. We met in high school but didn’t start dating until two weeks before graduation. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years.

We’ve been through a lot in those ten years, especially the last few. Of course we never saw this crap coming. Who could? I have to say, though, that I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything. Despite the hell that we’ve been though, I couldn’t imagine life any other way.

I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband and solid marriage. Just knowing that we’re not only surviving the hell that is infertility, but that’s it actually making us stronger as a couple is such a blessing. I know that we have so much more to face together, but I have no doubt that we’ll make it through it in one piece.
____________________________________

Edited to add: This is why it’s easy for me to say the above and mean every word. God, I love that man.

Paranoia Runs Rampent April 27, 2005

I definitely get paranoid while cycling. Ok, not just while cycling but more so while in the midst of this IVF crap. I just feel so superstitious about everything.

One way this paranoia manifests itself is in how I deal with my meds. With a FET I have lots of oral meds to take. I have one of those massive pill organizer things that has four separate compartments per day. I have to use this contraption or else I’ll forget to take everything I’m supposed to. Anyway, I only fill up the pill organizer through the next turning point in my cycle. Like this week I have my ultrasound appointment on Friday morning, so I only filled up the thing with my meds through Friday morning. There are no pills in the Friday afternoon, evening, or beyond compartments.

I can’t fill the rest of them up because I don’t know if I’ll be getting any further in this cycle than Friday morning. It just feels like I could jinx it or something. I do this even when cancellation doesn’t seem imminent.

I had to mess with my system today, though. I don’t have enough PIO to get through the entire weekend should I get the go ahead to start on Friday, so I had to order more today. It was very hard for me to order a refill “assuming” that I wouldn’t get cancelled on Friday, because I’m so not assuming that. I had to do it, though, because I would be PIOless should I actually get to proceed with this cycle.

I’m such a fruit loop that something like ordering a refill can get to me. It’s just that having meds lined up in my pill organizer or ordering a refill that I don’t know I’ll use makes me feel like I’m assuming that things will proceed as they should. The thing is, though, that I know what can happen when you just assume something’s going to work or even if you just hope it will. Nothing works out as planned in the crazy IVF world. At least not for me. That’s why it kills me to do anything that even remotely seems like I’m assuming things will work out, because I’ve learned better than to do something as crazy as that.

I Gotta Get Me One of Those April 26, 2005

I’m thinking of bidding on this. Or even better, this one. That one’s portable. They both come complete with vaginal probes, so I’d be set.

Wouldn’t one of those be awesome to have? I’m thinking that all infertiles in a given community should pool their money and go in for one of those puppies. Wouldn’t you pay to have a share of an ultrasound machine? I think I could find enough infertiles in Houston who would gladly contribute a few hundred bucks to have an u/s machine at their beck and call.

Just think how handy it would be. Need to know how your follicles or lining are doing during a cycle? No need to wait for your next appointment with your RE when you’ve got an u/s machine on hand. Finally get pregnant and are having dead baby thoughts? No need to sit and worry because your doctor won’t let you have another ultrasound for three weeks.

I’m dying for an ultrasound. I need to know what the hell is going on in there. Is my lining getting thicker? Are those follicles behaving themselves? I have no damn clue. And thus my mind is going crazy. I swear I can feel my left ovary. Is it because those follicles are growing or is it all in my head? I don’t know. I need a fucking ultrasound!

So, who’s in? Should we start a collection?

Keeping It All In Perspective April 24, 2005

It’s really hard when I’m in the midst of a cycle, especially when that cycle is going to shit, for me to be able to take a step back from it all. I get so invested in a cycle that when something totally crappy happens, like it did on Friday, that I lose it. Completely. That’s understandable, but sometimes I need to remind myself to look at the big picture.

One thing I’ve learned from blogging is that my emotions follow a pretty predictable pattern while cycling. It’s not easy to see this while in the midst of it all. In fact, it’s almost impossible, but by being able to read back through my posts written during past cycles it’s easier to see.

There comes a point in every cycle where I feel like I honestly can’t ever do this crap again. Ever. I just get to the end of my rope, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Friday was one of those days.

Even though I felt lower than low, and even though I am still so discouraged, I know that things are going to be ok. Eventually. Yes, I feel like crap now, and I may feel like it’s the end of the world on Friday when I get cancelled or on beta day when I get another negative. But, eventually I’ll be able to crawl out of that dark hole. I know I will. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. I’ve been through all of this crap before and survived, and I can do it again.

That’s the only thing that’s getting me through this right now. Knowing that I have it in me to do it. I don’t feel like it, but I know from past experience that I do. I know that the lows aren’t over for this cycle. They’ve very likely just begun, but I’ll make it. I just have to.

I Can’t Win April 22, 2005

Seriously. I mean nothing can go smoothly. I went in for my ultrasound this morning and things went from bad to worse. First, they wanted to charge me $200 more than I was told I would have to pay. I fought that one hard and won, but it was a major struggle. Then after I had been waiting a while to be called back I had to go to the bathroom. You know where this one’s going don’t ya? Oh, yes. They called my name while I was in there, so I had to wait some more. I finally got to go hang out in one of the ultrasound rooms with my pants off for a good 20 minutes before I got my turn at the dildocam. I thought about doing it myself for a while there.

Someone finally came to do my ultrasound, and I did not like what I saw. My lining only measured 5-6mm. It was a lovely triple stripe, but it was way too thin. Ugh! Not what I was hoping for today. I also had a few small follicles on my left ovary. My RE doesn’t think they’ll be a problem since they’re so small. If they had been follicles that were at risk of ovulating they would have been much bigger. The largest one only measure 6mm. It’s still a little disconcerting, though.

So, I have to keep on with the Estrace and go back in a week. If my lining has decided to get itself in gear and those follicles don’t end up misbehaving then my FET will be the following week. Otherwise I’ll be canceled.

I couldn’t handle this today. I just wasn’t in a good mood to begin with and then all of this crap happened. After my appointment I just sat in my car and bawled. This stuff is so damn frustrating, and it’s kicking my ass. Hard.

Decisions, Decisions April 21, 2005

My husband and I discussed our big dilemma last night. We both came to the same conclusion. We’re going ahead with the FET.

There are a few reasons for this but they all boil down to the fact that there just isn’t enough evidence out there to prove that this beta 3 integrin test is the end all be all with regards to the functionality of the uterine lining. It’s an experimental and controversial test with a wide array of opinions as to its applicability.

The studies are all over the map on this subject. There are studies that show that the beta 3 integrin isn’t consistent among cycles even within the same person. So it could show up on a biopsy one cycle and not the next. There are also studies that show that just because the integrin isn’t present in the mid luteal phase doesn’t mean it won’t be present in the late luteal phase. Some studies show that it doesn’t even matter if it’s present at all. And then there are studies that show that the lack of the integrin reduces the chance of pregnancy. There are just so many different views about the ramifications of this test. Plus, it doesn’t seem like there’s been a proven cause-and-effect relationship between the presence or absence of this type of marker and its effect on fertility.

There’s also my personal situation to consider. This biopsy was done in an abnormal cycle. My body was so screwed up from cycling back to back for 7 months that it decided to bless me with a fucked up 44 day cycle. And there’s the fact that we’ve had implantation. Sure, it didn’t last very long but an embryo did implant.

I saw someone with a similar background post a question on one of the “ask the RE” type message boards about this test. Like me, she had experienced both failed cycles and a cycle that ended in a chemical. She had the beta 3 integrin test done and it came back with the same result as mine: out of phase with the integrin absent.

The doctor replied that the beta 3 integrin is only one of many molecules that are involved in the attachment of the embryo to the endometrium, and that in something as important as embryo implantation, there is significant redundancy built into the system. If one type of cell adhesion molecule is absent then other molecules can take over that function. He went on to say that he didn’t think that the absence of beta 3 integrin should prevent her from trying to conceive, particularly in view of her recent chemical pregnancy which clearly demonstrated the presence of cell adhesion molecules that allowed implantation to occur.

Given all of that, we didn’t feel like repeating the test at this juncture would be the best course of action. Last night we decided that unless my RE had some compelling reason for us to repeat the test that we would go ahead and do the FET.

My IVF coordinator was supposed to either have my RE call me today or at the very minimum speak to her and relay her opinion on the matter to me. I waited and waited for the phone to ring, but it never did. I finally called my RE’s office at 3:00 and apparently my IVF coordinator had discussed it with my RE but she had to leave early to pick up her sick kid from school so she must have forgotten to call me. Thanks a lot. So the receptionist played relay between my RE and myself over the phone. Lovely.

My RE recommended that I redo the test. When I asked why I was told that it was because the test was inconclusive. Um, yeah. I kinda got that part already. You got anything else, because in and of itself that’s not a very convincing answer. I was told that we had three choices and that it was ultimately up to us. We could:

1. Do another endometrial biopsy to have the test redone.
2. Go ahead with the FET knowing that we could lose embryos.
3. Do the 3 month course of Lupron treatment before cycling again.

Let me just go through those options for a sec. 1) Yes, this may give us more answers but we may waste another cycle and another $1,000 to find out the exact same thing: nothing. Even if it showed something different, how would we know what would happen the third time? And how do we even know if the findings really mean anything at all? 2) Um, we have a good chance of losing embryos anyway. Thank you very much. Don’t you always have a chance of losing embryos? I sure do. We’ve “lost” our fair share already. 3) So, you want to put me on a treatment that we don’t know I need, nor do we know the effectiveness of, nor do we know if the “condition” even warrants treatment? A treatment that knowing my body could very likely end up ruining the next cycle anyway? No thanks.

Another reason I’m ready to go ahead with this FET is that I’m ready to get the hell out of my RE’s office. That’s not a good enough reason in and of itself, but I’m so done there. I’m not getting what I need, and I need to move on. The RE that I want to get a second opinion from doesn’t accept frozen embryos from outside labs, so I need to transfer them where I am. After that we’ll be free to go elsewhere.

So, my ultrasound and bloodwork appointment is tomorrow morning. Holy crap. I might actually be cycling again.

I Could Really Do Without the Drama April 20, 2005

I called my RE’s office first thing this morning to check on the biopsy result situation. Apparently there was some big brouhaha over my beta 3 integrin results thus the lack of notification.

My results came back negative for the beta 3 integrin. Not a good thing. The report appeared incomplete, however, because of a comment stating “unable to interpret without histological date.” My RE’s office had been trying to get clarification on that from the lab that does the test. They were told that the only person who could help them with that was on vacation until next week.

So, this is what I learned this morning. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I was told I would get a call back when they figured everything out, and I set off to scour the internet on the beta 3 subject. It’s not like I hadn’t done any research before the test, but that’s the only thing I could do while waiting for more information. Lack of information drives me insane.

When I hadn’t heard back by early afternoon, I called my RE’s office again. They were finally able to speak to someone at the lab who could explain my results. Before I go into it, there are three possible results for the integrin test:

1. Lining in phase, integrin present
2. Lining in phase, integrin absent
3. Lining out of phase, integrin absent

Option 1 is what you want. I didn’t get that. Option 2 means that your lining has developed how it should, but there’s still no integrin present. That’s the worst case scenario and when you get to break out the 3 month Lupron treatment. Option 3 was me.

Here’s the deal. When the lining is out of sync for whatever reason, there is a very, very good chance that the integrin won’t be present. It’s missing because the lining is out of phase not because of some inherent problem. Thus, there is no result 4 where the lining is out of phase with the integrin present.

Apparently the stroma of my endometrium were maturing way faster than the glandular tissue was, 4 days faster to be exact, resulting in a dyssynchronous endometrium. This, of course, is the most inconclusive result possible. Nothing can be black and white for me apparently.

I did not like hearing this information, but it honestly doesn’t surprise me. This biopsy was done during my first natural cycle since July. It was also done during a 44 day cycle following a chemical pregnancy. Yeah, no wonder my lining was fucked up.

The dyssynchronous lining thing doesn’t bother me so much. The endometrial lining does different things during a medicated vs. natural cycle, so simply doing a medicated cycle could cause everything to sync up. Plus, just because your lining does something one cycle does not mean it will do it the next. The thing that concerns me is that we don’t know if the integrin would be present once my lining gets itself in gear and is in phase. There’s no way to know that without retesting, and even then there’s no guarantee of finding out.

So, now we have to decide what the fuck to do with this information. The way I see it, we basically have two options: do another biopsy to repeat the test or forge ahead with our FET cycle. We haven’t decided yet, but I think I’m leaning in one direction.

I talked to my IVF coordinator about our options, and she said she didn’t feel comfortable giving me advice in this situation. I should hear my RE’s opinion on the matter tomorrow, but quite honestly I doubt her opinion will weigh too heavily in our decision. Not that I don’t want to hear what she has to say on the subject, but it’s quite easy to get someone to say what you want to hear when you know what you’re doing. Plus, she’s really good at being ambiguous. I don’t expect her to have a definitive say on the matter.

I’ve done the research, and I know what I’m dealing with. This is a controversial test with a wide array of opinions as to its applicability. I just don’t know how much weight to give this result. There just hasn’t been enough research done to know how important this whole beta 3 thing is. It’s really hard to make a decision based on scanty information.

This is a tough one. On one hand, I don’t want to waste our embryos on a less than ideal cycle. On the other, I don’t want to waste time and money on something that may not give us any more information or may not even be meaningful to the situation. That’s the problem with dealing with these newfangled tests. Man, I kind of wish we hadn’t done it in the first place.

My other endo biopsy which tests for infection came back fine, so at least there’s some good news. So, it looks like I’ll either be repeating the biopsy this cycle or we’ll be transferring our frozen embryos (assuming they survive the thaw) next week. Anyone want to weigh in?

What a Happy Blogiversary April 19, 2005

I’m pissed. I have been waiting on pins and needles for these damn endometrial biopsy results so I’ll know whether or not this FET is going to happen. Yesterday marked the two week mark, so I really should have heard something.

I finally got antsy enough to call my RE’s office today. I talked to my IVF coordinator this afternoon and was told that neither of the biopsy results were back. She said she would double check with the nurse who handles the incoming lab results and call me if she found out anything. She said that if I didn’t hear back from her to assume that they hadn’t gotten the results.

Well, the phone never rang, so I decided to take things in my own hands and call the lab that does the beta 3 integrin test. I have no idea where the other biopsy sample was sent or I would have been on the phone with them, too. I was told by someone at the lab that my results had been faxed to my RE’s office on Friday. I was also told by the person at the lab that she had actually spoken to two people in my RE’s office today. UGH! I asked if I could get my results over the phone, but that wasn’t happening.

So, now I have to wait until tomorrow to call back my RE’s office to find out the results. Don’t they know how insane I’m going over all of this? This is my information, and I have a right to have it.

After I thought about it a bit, it seemed odd to me that the person at the lab would not only fax the report but also call my RE’s office a few days later. Why would they call? Just to make sure they had received the fax or because my result was abnormal? Plus, why would my IVF coordinator not call me back once she actually got the results? Was it because she was waiting to speak to my RE about them? Shit. I am so freaking paranoid.

At least I know that the result is in. Whether or not I can get my hands on it is another story. So, now I have to keep my fingers crossed that I won’t get bad news tomorrow and also hope that the other biopsy result comes back within the next couple of days.

But please, oh please let that beta 3 biopsy result be normal. Do you know what the treatment for the lack of the beta 3 integrin is? Three whole months of Depo Lupron treatment. Considering my history with Lupron, I don’t think I’d survive 3 months.

Ok, I’m just going to go chill out now. I will know in the morning. Hopefully.

What a Year

One year ago today I posted the first entry of my blog. I’m not even going to attempt to sum up this past year, because my attempts at summary are so boring that not even my husband can get all the way through them. Suffice it to say, it’s been one hell of a year. One that I never in my wildest dreams could have predicted.

I wonder if I’ll still be blogging in another year’s time. I wonder if we’ll still be at this crap. I sure as hell hope not, but you never know. I wonder if we’ll be even the tiniest bit closer to having a child or if we’ll just spin our wheels even more and end up in the exact same place yet again. I’m not going to even try to imagine where I’ll be in another year. This stuff is way to unpredictable for that.

I do hope I’ll still be blogging. This blog has meant so much to me. At first it started out as a way to just get stuff out. The only person who read my blog for the first couple of months was my husband. Then I found my way into this wonderful infertility blogging community. Wow. Being a part of this amazing group of women has meant so much to me. I can’t even imagine having gone through the past year without that, without you guys. I just can’t even imagine.

That’s My Prerogative April 17, 2005

Warning: This is a self reflective post that turned out way longer than I thought it would. I’m sure it would be boring for anyone other than myself to sift through. Just a heads up.

And another thing, I use “I” a lot in this post when referring to decisions that were considered or made. These words and thoughts are my own, but my husband and I are a team in this and decisions about our reproductive options are made together.

It’s every girl’s prerogative to change her mind from time to time, and I definitely do my fair share of that.

Every few months I go back and read through my blog. Sometimes it’s cathartic. Sometimes it’s painful. I spent the past few days doing it again. I read through every post and every comment. I cried quite a few tears reading back through my archives this time. Man, it’s been a tough road. I cried as I read words that brought back how much I have hurt through all of this. I also cried as I read comments from all of my beyond supportive friends. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. How the hell could I have made it through this crap without you guys?

The thing that stuck out the most to me this time was the fact that I have changed my mind so much through all of this. It’s kind of weird to go back and see how I viewed our options in the past versus now. I’ve always been adamant about having a Plan B. It’s important to me to be able to keep moving, but it’s interesting to see how Plan B has evolved over time.

Back before before my husband’s surgeries when we didn’t know that IVF was definitely going to be in our future, I was open to a lot of options. IVF/ICSI, donor sperm IUI, adoption, I considered them all and thought they were all options that I could see myself doing.

After we found out through a testicular biopsy that my husband was producing sperm but before his reconstructive surgery attempt my head was spinning from not knowing what our options would be.

…So why am I still sitting here curled up in a little ball totally stressing out? I’m sure it has something to do with the whole surgery thing. This one day (next Monday) will determine our whole baby-making future. I’m terrified. First and foremost, I want my wonderful hubby to be ok. Surgery is always a scary proposition. Secondly, I just want to know where we go from here. It’s just so stressful not knowing what the next step is. Will the surgery work, and we’ll actually be able to get to start “trying” again? Will the doctor be unable to complete the reconstruction due to a secondary obstruction, and we’ll have to go straight to IVF? Will the surgery only seemingly be a success, and we’ll have to turn to IVF after “trying” without success for 6-12 months? God, I wish I knew.

After my husband went through the unsuccessful reconstructive surgery and we had decided to do IVF, I vocalized my feelings about multiple cycles and adoption.

Plus there’s the looming question, “What if we go through all of that to do IVF and it doesn’t work?” It’s a distinct possibility. Everyone wants it to work on the first try, but the reality is that it doesn’t for the majority of people. I think it’s important to have backup plans. Last night my husband and I discussed our backup plans in case IVF #1 fails. Up until a little over a week ago, IVF was our backup plan. Now it’s THE plan. We’ve decided that if our first cycle fails, we will do a FET if we are lucky enough to have any embryos frozen. If not, we will decide whether or not to do another fresh cycle based on the results of cycle #1. Who knows, maybe the sperm that they retrieved during the surgery will be duds. Maybe I’ll have egg issues. There’s just know way to know until we try.

If we decide not to continue with IVF (after however many cycles) we will move on to adoption.I do not view adoption as a “last ditch effort.” I think adoption is wonderful. I don’t even have a problem with the whole lack of biological connection thing. I really don’t. I’m actually kind of scared for my offspring to inherit some of my genetics. I just feel that I need to try IVF first. Adoption will still be an option for us in 5, or even 10 years (not that I plan on waiting that long). My eggs will not be in as great shape in even 1 year. Age is on my side right now, and I’ll take any advantage I can get, no matter how small that may be.

Before our first IVF, I also voiced my feelings about donor sperm.

There are a lot of couples diagnosed with azoospermia who bypass IVF and jump straight to IUI with donor sperm. While this would be a much less costly proposition (by about $12 or 13K), we don’t feel like this is the right move for us. We want to try IVF first, while we’re young and have semi-good odds. If that doesn’t work for us, we feel that adoption is the right choice for us. I know that I would get to experience pregnancy with donor sperm IUI, but right now I’m in the place where I want my husband and I to have an equal biological connection. Either all or none.
- I just read that back, and I guess that’s not really true. I honestly wouldn’t mind using donor eggs (not that it would solve our fertility problems) but I don’t want my husband to lose the biological connection. I want to have his baby.

There have been times when I didn’t think I could ever do another IVF ever again. I wrote this after the transfer of my first IVF.

So, I guess I’m officially in the two week wait, and I am so relieved. Enough of this crap. I’m done. I sure as hell hope this works. I really don’t know if I could do it all again.

Like I said, I’ve changed my mind a lot. On the day of my negative beta of my first cycle I had already decided to jump right into a FET. In fact I didn’t even wait for the official results before jumping back in. Boy was I determined.

It helps so much to have a plan B. I know some people would never think about figuring out the details of a FET before they even got the beta results back, but this is helpful for me. I don’t want to wait to cycle again. It’s the waiting that kills me. I need to be proactive. Today I really needed to go in there and say, “This is what I want to do and how I want to do it.”

…One failed IVF will not get me to give up my dream of having a child. Someday, some how, my husband and I will have a child. I don’t know how much more heartbreak we’ll have to endure to get there, but we WILL get there.

I was having a tough time with the whole Plan B thing during my FET, though.

I’m all about having a Plan B, but thinking about that backup plan is scaring the pants off of me. The thought of having to go through another fresh cycle is not appealing in the least. Having to fork out another $15K out of thin air, putting my body through pure hell again, and getting on that emotional roller coaster yet one more time is so overwhelming.

I don’t want to have to do it all again. I just want this FET to work so badly, yet I know that there’s a good chance it won’t. This IVF crap is so hard. Too hard sometimes.

I also hit a point during my FET where I didn’t know if I could ever do IVF again.

I have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning, and you know what? I couldn’t care less. I’m so not into this cycle. I told my husband last night after I picked him up from work… that I was almost done. I know it’s not the only thing that’s stressing me out right now, but this IVF crap is just wearing me out. My husband asked if I wanted to quit now and not do the FET. My response was that I do want to go ahead and finish this FET but that I really don’t know about anything past that. So, who knows what will happen if this FET fails. I just feel like I’m nearing the end of my rope.

Once again, though, a negative on beta day not only left me sad but determined.

We’ve still got some fight left in us, though. I’ll be starting birth control pills again once my period shows up in order to do another fresh cycle. Is this what I hoped for when I started on this IVF roller coaster? Hell no, but I’m not ready to move on. We’re not ready to move on. We’ve got to try again. Sure, my checkbook is trembling away, my body is dreading the torture, and my heart is so fragile after being broken yet again, but I just can’t give up right now.

So, it looks like the IVF saga of Manana Banana will have at least one more chapter. Who knows if or when it will ever have a happy ending, but the hope that it might one day is enough for me to keep trying, at least one more time.

During my third cycle I had a major Plan B meltdown.

I think we basically have four options if this IVF fails and we have nothing to freeze. If we’re lucky enough to have embryos frozen our choice we’ll be easy. We’ll do another FET. If a FET is not an option or if we do a FET and it fails, then we’ll have to make some tough decisions.

1) Another fresh cycle.
2) Donor sperm IUI.
3) Donor embryo FET.
4) Adoption.

We’ve pretty much eliminated choice one. After this upcoming cycle we will have put about $30K and a ton of blood, sweat, and tears into this IVF business. That’s enough in our minds. I’ll never say never, but I don’t think we’ll be doing another fresh cycle…

Donor sperm IUI is definitely an option for our situation, but I don’t think it’s at the top of the list. …there’s the equality of the biological connection issue. Genetics are not the most important factor when trying to decide how to go about all of this, but there’s just something about having my genetics come into play and not my husband’s. Donor embryo FET would be another option, but it’s much harder to come about donor embryos than donor sperm.

We’re also considering adoption. I have to be honest, the adoption process scares the crap out of me… I know that when we first found out that IVF was a possibility in our future that it seemed overwhelming, too. I’ve spent millions of hours researching IVF, not to mention the fact that I’m getting pretty good at the actual process now, so it’s only natural for me to feel more comfortable with it…

Obviously, choices 2, 3, and 4 require letting go of the biological connection. So, basically, if this IVF or any possible subsequent FETs fail to work then my husband and I will most likely never have a biological child. Man, that was hard to write and hear in my head. I don’t know if I’m ready to come to terms with that yet. I know that I will be able to if need be, but that’s so tough…

I think right now we’re leaning more towards adoption, but who really knows. I haven’t had that moment where I just know what’s best for our next step. I know I need to do a lot more research, a lot more pondering, and a lot more discussing with my husband. This stuff is hard. It’s hard when you have this long term idea of how your family will be formed and then you have to keep altering that image bit by bit. I know that I want us to be able to have a child. Who knows which way that child will come into our lives. I know, with all my heart, that no matter which road we go down or how long this seemingly never ending process takes, that it will be worth it. That’s just about the only thing I know for sure.

The next day, though, I was already changing my tune.

I’m not ready to move on to other options that would require us to lose the biological connection. Not yet, anyway. I know in my head that having a child by way of donor sperm, donor embryos, or adoption would be amazing. I know that I would cherish that child no matter how he or she came into our lives. But, I’m just not ready to give up that image I have imprinted on my heart of a biological family. I’m not there yet.

After my third cycle ended in a chemical, I thought the fight was gone.

After my two previous failed cycles I was devastated but still had some fight left in me. I was determined not to let one/two failed cycles throw me off the track. Now I’m just devastated. I don’t know how to keep fighting. I hope that determination will come back soon. I don’t think my heart could handle it if I had to give up on my dream. I don’t think I’d make it.

So, how do you keep going? How do you keep pouring tens of thousands of dollars into something that has gotten you nowhere? How do you let yourself be vulnerable to sheer and utter heartbreak again?

All I know is that my heart still yearns for a child. That hasn’t changed. Each failure makes me realize even more how much I want this. I’m scared that it’s never going to happen, though. I don’t think I’ve ever been more terrified in my life.

A few days later my boxing gloves were being dusted off yet again.

I’m determined to get through another heartbreak. I’m determined to get answers. I’m determined to try again. I am determined to have a child. One way or another I know that my husband and I will be parents. I have no fucking clue what that way will be or when it will finally happen for us, but I’m not going to retire these boxing gloves until that day arrives.

And then this month while going through all of this testing I voiced my latest thinkings on all of this.

I’m so far from done, though. I know that. After the testing comes the FET, and that’s assuming that I don’t have to do anything else as a result of the sonohystogram or endo biopsy results. After the FET will undoubtedly come something else, probably another fresh cycle. The end is nowhere in sight.

The thing is, though, that as much as I want to be done, and as much as I never want to set foot in my RE’s office again, there’s no way I can call it quits. Not right now. I’m not ready to walk away without a child. Obviously there are other paths we could choose to pursue, but we’re not ready to change direction. Not yet.

It’s hard to keeping going, but it’s harder to stop. As much as I hate this shit, I’m not ready to walk away from it all. Do I think it could ever work for us? I’m not sure. A lot of times I don’t think it will. I’m holding on to the teeny tiny chance that it could, though. How else could I keep going?

So, I’ve done a complete 180 a million times throughout all of this. I’ve gone from thinking that adoption is definitely a option for us to not being there yet. I’ve gone from saying I will never do another IVF cycle again to planning out things for fresh cycle #3 for when this upcoming FET follows in our previous cycle’s footsteps. I’ve also gone from completely agreeing with my husband to being on different pages and back again.

One thing I’ve learned through all of this crap is that you never know. You never know what the future holds, and you never know how you will react once things unfold in front of you. It is nice to know that it’s possible to make it through it all, though. I just have to keep reminding myself that. I will make it though all of this. No matter where the future takes us.

I Don’t Know How to Feel April 14, 2005

The first of my cycle buddies from my first IVF cycle has had her babies. And while I am so happy for her and her family it hurts to realize that people I cycled with are having real live babies while I’m… well, not even close. I don’t know if that will ever be me, and it breaks my heart.

Test Result Day April 13, 2005

I can’t believe it. I actually got some test results today. My husband’s karyotype came back normal. Yay! One less thing to worry about. Too bad it only took a month to find that out. At least I can stop obsessing over the what ifs now.

I also got Dixie’s thyroid test results today. Her T4 level had dropped from 8.8 pre radioactive iodine treatment to 0.4 which is on the very low end of normal. The normal T4 range is 0.4-5.2. So, the treatment definitely worked. There is, however, a possibility that it worked too well. If her T4 level drops any more she’ll be hypothyroid and have to be treated accordingly. There’s a possibility that some of the cells in her thyroid could still regenerate and bring that level up a bit, or at least keep it from decreasing more. We don’t have to do anything about it now other than keeping on eye on her to make sure she continues to do well. We have to bring her back to the vet in a couple of months to have her levels retested. We’ll definitely be keeping our fingers crossed that further treatment won’t be necessary.

It feels good to get results. Progress is good. So, now we’re just waiting on the two different endometrial biopsy results. The clock is definitely ticking on those results, so hopefully they’ll come back soon. Until then, I’m just going revel in the fact that we got some good news today.

Away We Go Again??? April 10, 2005

My period finally decided to grace me with its presence yesterday on cycle day 44. Boy, that was a freakishly long cycle. So, I’ve started popping Estrace for my maybe FET.

It’s so weird to be possibly starting a cycle. Not because I’m not ready. I’m so ready. It’s just that I honestly don’t know if we’ll make it to transfer this cycle. There’s always a chance of cancellation when it comes to ART cycles. I’m well aware of that. This time, though, there are so many more factors at play that could prevent this cycle from happening.

We’ve got the standard possibilities for cancellation in a FET cycle:
- a stubbornly thin lining
- zero embryos surviving the thaw

Plus some new possibilities thrown into the mix for this cycle:
- ovulation over Estrace
- endo biopsy results not coming back in time
- endo biopsy results coming back showing fucked up results

And we’ve got a couple of new factors at play this time that could increase our chance for cancellation:
- we have slow poke, not so fabulous quality embryos in the deep freeze that have a greater chance of arresting during the thaw
- my body seems to be expelling gray chunks of unknown origin. (don’t even ask. my body is so fucked up.) don’t know if that could affect things, but i’m guessing so.

Add my generally crappy luck to the mix, and I would wager my chance for cancellation is about 72.86%. Ok, I have no idea what the actual chance is, but it’s definitely up there.

So, I’m cycling again I guess. Woo hoo. Sound in the marching band.

Fuck it. This is so not exciting. It’s a maybe cycle. It’s a FET cycle. It’s cycle numero quatro. It’s a cycle with zero chance of ending in happily ever after. This shit sure does get boring after a while.

Let’s Play the ‘Freak Out the Obsessive Worrier’ Game April 8, 2005

You know, cause it’s so much fun. I just called my OB/GYN’s office to see if my husband’s karyotyping results were back yet. No, they were not, I was told, but apparently they had received notification that the results were in the mail. While this news wouldn’t seem like it would qualify for the FOTOW Game, here’s the thing. My OB/GYN’s office was notified that my results were normal and that the paper results would be mailed subsequently. For my husband, however, they were just told that the results were on the way. Why did they not include the normal part?

Once again, I know that the likelihood of there actually being a problem is low, but knowing my odds that’s not very comforting. Why does shit like this always happen? So, now I have to wait until the middle of next week to call back and see what the hell’s going on.

On a different, less freaking the fuck out note, I brought Dixie to the vet this morning to have her thyroid levels retested so we can make sure the radioactive iodine treatment did the trick. We won’t find out the results until Monday, but we did get some fantastic news while there. Since her treatment less than 4 weeks ago, my old lady kitty has gained 2 whole pounds. That is beyond excellent news. She’s up to 9.1 lbs right now and doing pretty well. I think my vet was surprised to see her looking so good.

I will attempt to focus on other things including that great news as opposed to letting the unknown drive me insane. I think a diversion might be in order. Some retail therapy might just fit the bill. I think the Galleria is calling my name…

That’s Me April 6, 2005

Ok, that’s not my actual karyotype, but that’s about what it would look like. I got my results back today- normal, 46XX. However, my husband’s weren’t back yet. Hmm, that’s a tad odd since we had our blood drawn at the same time. I was told to call back on Friday, so hopefully his results will be back by then. Until then I will not read anything into the fact that his test is taking longer to process. I will not do such things as researching PGD clinics, reading posts on PGD boards, etc. Nope. Just gonna wait.

I’ll admit it. I already did those things, but a girl’s got to have something to obsess over. More than likely my husband’s test will come back normal, too. Until then I’ll just consider my on the sly research project a fun way to expand my knowledge base. Hell, I was a genetics major for one whole semester. I’ve always been interested in this stuff. I just hated organic chemistry.

What Are the Odds? April 5, 2005

I’ve been posting with a group of women on an infertility board since August. We started the group because we were all doing our first IVFs in September. Of course people have come and gone since then, but quite a few of us still post there.

There’s something weird going on with this group. It seems that if someone’s going to get lucky and actually get pregnant from this IVF crap, it’s going to happen the first time. In total, 20 people have been part of this group at one time or another. 13 of them are now pregnant, 12 as a result of their first IVF cycles and one who actually got knocked up between cycles. One person was unsuccessful at her first attempt and hasn’t cycled since. That leaves 6 of us who have had multiple failed cycles.

So, it’s like it has to happen the first time or it won’t ever happen. This is contrary to everything I’ve read that says that the odds for success stay the same for the first 3-4 IVFs. I’ve heard about many people getting lucky on the second, third, or more attempts. I know that our group is a small sample and that what’s happened is not statistically significant, blah, blah, blah. My mathematician mother would kick me if she knew I was screwing up the whole statistics thing so royally. I’m not trying to ace a stat exam, though. I understand the whole “statistics are applicable for a population not for an individual” thing. That’s not the point. I’m trying not to make my brain think too much about the technical correctness, or lack there of, concerning my query. I’m just trying to wrap my brain around why, in our group, you either get pregnant on the first IVF attempt or you don’t get pregnant at all.

I’m sure my odds aren’t the 50-60% I was quoted when I first walked in the door of my RE’s office. They’re crap now. Personally I think my odds during any given cycle are about 0.5%. How’s that for scientific?

This weird “first time or never” phenomenon kind of scares the crap out of me. I’m just superstitious enough to let it bother me. My husband thinks that’s crazy. He thinks I’m a lunatic when he hears me say stuff like, “Well last time there was a cluster of cycles in our group it went 3 positives and then 2 negatives. This time there’s already been 3 positives, and I’m up next for beta so I’m screwed.” I can’t help but think crap like that, though. We all know the real odds don’t mean anything, so I might as well make up my own fuzzy logic type odds instead.

I wonder if any of the 6 of us big time losers will ever get and stay pregnant. I wonder if any of us will ever finally beat the odds.

Happy Day April 4, 2005

Happy days are few and far between, so I’m attempting to savor this one. I survived my big morning of testing. I arrived at my RE’s office, handed over my credit card, and was called to the back. I had to sign some consent form that I didn’t read, because really, would I not have gone through with it because of anything that form could have said? Then I was told to go pee in a cup. I knew what that was for. I literally said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Hello, my husband has no sperm. I have a 0% chance of being pregnant. Even if it was possible, a urine pregnancy test at 8 days past ovulation can’t be too accurate. What a waste of pee.

Anyway, I got gowned up and talked to my RE about everything while the anesthesiologist was sticking me with the IV. I went into the procedure room and don’t remember another thing, just the way I like it. Apparently, my RE was able to get the big endo biopsy catheter up through my bitch of a cervix, but it wasn’t easy. Not that anyone expected it to be. She dilated my cervix, messed with the catheter, and finally got it to make its way up to where it was supposed to be. After the biopsy samples were taken the sonohystogram was done. Everything looked good. No fibroids, polyps, etc.

I spoke to my RE about FET protocols. I really don’t want to do the whole BCP/Lupron/Estrace/PIO thing again. Not only does that take freaking forever, but my lining did not do so well last time on that protocol. Plus, there’s the fact that it didn’t work. I really don’t think it’s the best idea to do the exact same thing twice if it didn’t work the first time. So, I told my RE that I wanted to do a Estrace/PIO only protocol. She gave me the “We don’t usually do that protocol, and it may not work” speech, but she’s going to let me do it. I’ve come to learn that my RE is a cookie cutter protocol type gal which is fine if you’re a cookie cutter type patient. I, however, am not. I think it’s about time to start thinking outside the box at least a tad.

So, here’s the plan. Oh, how I love a plan. I’ll be starting Estrace on cycle day 1 which should be soon. Then I’ll cross my fingers that I don’t get canceled. That could happen for any of the three following reasons:

1. I ovulate on Estrace. This only happens about 5% of the time, but we all know my luck.
2. The endo biopsy results aren’t back by CD15, the day I’ll most likely be starting PIO to prepare for transfer.
3. The biopsy results come back but one or both are abnormal, and as a result I have to have further treatment before cycling again.

I see no reason not to go ahead with the prep for the FET cycle, though. If I get canceled for any reason I can just stop the Estrace and either wait for the next cycle or go forward with any treatment with regards to the endo biopsy results. At least this way I’ll be doing something. That always makes me feel better. Who knows, I may get lucky and actually get to transfer at the end of the month. Oh, I crack myself up. I’ll either get canceled or none of the embryos will survive the thaw. That’s more my style.

Anyway, it’s been a good day considering the fact that I had crap shoved up my hoo ha. Just the thought of being able to cycle again has temporarily removed the usual scowl from my face. And knowing that WE’RE FINALLY DONE WITH ALL OF THIS TESTING is enough to make me want to do a little dance. Oh, happy day.

Anticipatory Ramblings April 3, 2005

I’m getting a tad nervous about tomorrow. Not because I’m worried about the procedures or the anesthesia or the IV or anything like that. I think it’s because I’ll be going through the exact same rigamarole as I always have for my retrievals and transfers. Don the same gown, lie in the same bed, get the same IV, move into the same procedure room, get into the same stirrups. None of that holds good memories for me.

I want to be done with all of that. I don’t want to set foot in that room again. I don’t want to wear that damn gown and booties and stupid hat again. I want to be done. I want to be one of the lucky ones who can think about other things besides cycling and testing with no end in sight. I want to be one of the lucky ones who actually gets knocked up from this crap.

I’m so far from done, though. I know that. After the testing comes the FET, and that’s assuming that I don’t have to do anything else as a result of the sonohystogram or endo biopsy results. After the FET will undoubtedly come something else, probably another fresh cycle. The end is nowhere in sight.

The thing is, though, that as much as I want to be done, and as much as I never want to set foot in my RE’s office again, there’s no way I can call it quits. Not right now. I’m not ready to walk away without a child. Obviously there are other paths we could choose to pursue, but we’re not ready to change direction. Not yet.

It’s hard to keeping going, but it’s harder to stop. As much as I hate this shit, I’m not ready to walk away from it all. Do I think it could ever work for us? I’m not sure. A lot of times I don’t think it will. I’m holding on to the teeny tiny chance that it could, though. How else could I keep going?

I’m hoping to get a hint as to our next steps tomorrow. We will be doing a FET with our slow poke embryos at some point. Hopefully ASAP. I’ll be talking to my RE about protocols and when we can get started again. I know it takes some time to get back the endo biopsy results, so that may throw a kink into things. Getting bad results will undoubtedly throw an even bigger kink into things. I’m ready to get things going again, though. So ready.

Good News/Bad News/Good News April 2, 2005

Of course I can never get good news without some bad thrown in the mix, but at least the bad news is in a good news sandwich. I really wanted to blog about this yesterday, but I’ve been unable to get my internet fix because my inlaws are in town. We’ve been doing things with them all weekend.

Anyway, we finally got the SCSA results back. The DFI (DNA fragmentation index) result was 19.9%. This is better than we expected. The SCSA people break the results down into three categories:

Excellent fertility potential ~ 15% DFI
Good to fair fertility potential ~ 15-30.0% DFI
Poorer fertility potential ~ 30% DFI

So, we’re in the good to fair category, and it seems closer to good than fair. I’ll definitely take it. The problems associated with DNA fragmentation come into play when the DFI is greater than 30%, so it seems that we’re out of the woods with regards to all of that.

Like I said, with the good always comes bad. Yesterday evening when I went to check our messages I discovered that my RE’s office had called. Remember how elated I was when I discovered that our insurance was going to cover the anesthesia costs? Um, not so much. Apparently our insurance company called back my RE’s office to let them know that it would not be covered after all. I was told to bring an extra $500 with me on Monday morning.

My inlaws were in the apartment when I found out the bad news, and today my mother in law handed me a check for $500. See, more good news. That was so generous of them.

So, now I’m going to go crash. I am soooo tired. We had a great weekend with my husband’s family, but I’m plum tuckered out.

older posts »