jump to navigation

Anticipatory Ramblings April 3, 2005

I’m getting a tad nervous about tomorrow. Not because I’m worried about the procedures or the anesthesia or the IV or anything like that. I think it’s because I’ll be going through the exact same rigamarole as I always have for my retrievals and transfers. Don the same gown, lie in the same bed, get the same IV, move into the same procedure room, get into the same stirrups. None of that holds good memories for me.

I want to be done with all of that. I don’t want to set foot in that room again. I don’t want to wear that damn gown and booties and stupid hat again. I want to be done. I want to be one of the lucky ones who can think about other things besides cycling and testing with no end in sight. I want to be one of the lucky ones who actually gets knocked up from this crap.

I’m so far from done, though. I know that. After the testing comes the FET, and that’s assuming that I don’t have to do anything else as a result of the sonohystogram or endo biopsy results. After the FET will undoubtedly come something else, probably another fresh cycle. The end is nowhere in sight.

The thing is, though, that as much as I want to be done, and as much as I never want to set foot in my RE’s office again, there’s no way I can call it quits. Not right now. I’m not ready to walk away without a child. Obviously there are other paths we could choose to pursue, but we’re not ready to change direction. Not yet.

It’s hard to keeping going, but it’s harder to stop. As much as I hate this shit, I’m not ready to walk away from it all. Do I think it could ever work for us? I’m not sure. A lot of times I don’t think it will. I’m holding on to the teeny tiny chance that it could, though. How else could I keep going?

I’m hoping to get a hint as to our next steps tomorrow. We will be doing a FET with our slow poke embryos at some point. Hopefully ASAP. I’ll be talking to my RE about protocols and when we can get started again. I know it takes some time to get back the endo biopsy results, so that may throw a kink into things. Getting bad results will undoubtedly throw an even bigger kink into things. I’m ready to get things going again, though. So ready.

Comments»

1. Cat, Galloping - April 4, 2005

Thinking of you today and wishing you quick and simple results.

2. Jenn - April 4, 2005

Know how you feel. Just not ready, yet.

3. Suz - April 4, 2005

I’m doing the happy dance with you that the tests are complete and the hoo haw reaming has been gotten over with. I agree with you on the protocol and am crossing my fingers that it yields some good results.