Manana Banana

parenthood after dealing with male factor infertility and multiple IVF cycles

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That’s My Prerogative April 17, 2005

Warning: This is a self reflective post that turned out way longer than I thought it would. I’m sure it would be boring for anyone other than myself to sift through. Just a heads up.

And another thing, I use “I” a lot in this post when referring to decisions that were considered or made. These words and thoughts are my own, but my husband and I are a team in this and decisions about our reproductive options are made together.

It’s every girl’s prerogative to change her mind from time to time, and I definitely do my fair share of that.

Every few months I go back and read through my blog. Sometimes it’s cathartic. Sometimes it’s painful. I spent the past few days doing it again. I read through every post and every comment. I cried quite a few tears reading back through my archives this time. Man, it’s been a tough road. I cried as I read words that brought back how much I have hurt through all of this. I also cried as I read comments from all of my beyond supportive friends. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. How the hell could I have made it through this crap without you guys?

The thing that stuck out the most to me this time was the fact that I have changed my mind so much through all of this. It’s kind of weird to go back and see how I viewed our options in the past versus now. I’ve always been adamant about having a Plan B. It’s important to me to be able to keep moving, but it’s interesting to see how Plan B has evolved over time.

Back before before my husband’s surgeries when we didn’t know that IVF was definitely going to be in our future, I was open to a lot of options. IVF/ICSI, donor sperm IUI, adoption, I considered them all and thought they were all options that I could see myself doing.

After we found out through a testicular biopsy that my husband was producing sperm but before his reconstructive surgery attempt my head was spinning from not knowing what our options would be.

…So why am I still sitting here curled up in a little ball totally stressing out? I’m sure it has something to do with the whole surgery thing. This one day (next Monday) will determine our whole baby-making future. I’m terrified. First and foremost, I want my wonderful hubby to be ok. Surgery is always a scary proposition. Secondly, I just want to know where we go from here. It’s just so stressful not knowing what the next step is. Will the surgery work, and we’ll actually be able to get to start “trying” again? Will the doctor be unable to complete the reconstruction due to a secondary obstruction, and we’ll have to go straight to IVF? Will the surgery only seemingly be a success, and we’ll have to turn to IVF after “trying” without success for 6-12 months? God, I wish I knew.

After my husband went through the unsuccessful reconstructive surgery and we had decided to do IVF, I vocalized my feelings about multiple cycles and adoption.

Plus there’s the looming question, “What if we go through all of that to do IVF and it doesn’t work?” It’s a distinct possibility. Everyone wants it to work on the first try, but the reality is that it doesn’t for the majority of people. I think it’s important to have backup plans. Last night my husband and I discussed our backup plans in case IVF #1 fails. Up until a little over a week ago, IVF was our backup plan. Now it’s THE plan. We’ve decided that if our first cycle fails, we will do a FET if we are lucky enough to have any embryos frozen. If not, we will decide whether or not to do another fresh cycle based on the results of cycle #1. Who knows, maybe the sperm that they retrieved during the surgery will be duds. Maybe I’ll have egg issues. There’s just know way to know until we try.

If we decide not to continue with IVF (after however many cycles) we will move on to adoption.I do not view adoption as a “last ditch effort.” I think adoption is wonderful. I don’t even have a problem with the whole lack of biological connection thing. I really don’t. I’m actually kind of scared for my offspring to inherit some of my genetics. I just feel that I need to try IVF first. Adoption will still be an option for us in 5, or even 10 years (not that I plan on waiting that long). My eggs will not be in as great shape in even 1 year. Age is on my side right now, and I’ll take any advantage I can get, no matter how small that may be.

Before our first IVF, I also voiced my feelings about donor sperm.

There are a lot of couples diagnosed with azoospermia who bypass IVF and jump straight to IUI with donor sperm. While this would be a much less costly proposition (by about $12 or 13K), we don’t feel like this is the right move for us. We want to try IVF first, while we’re young and have semi-good odds. If that doesn’t work for us, we feel that adoption is the right choice for us. I know that I would get to experience pregnancy with donor sperm IUI, but right now I’m in the place where I want my husband and I to have an equal biological connection. Either all or none.
- I just read that back, and I guess that’s not really true. I honestly wouldn’t mind using donor eggs (not that it would solve our fertility problems) but I don’t want my husband to lose the biological connection. I want to have his baby.

There have been times when I didn’t think I could ever do another IVF ever again. I wrote this after the transfer of my first IVF.

So, I guess I’m officially in the two week wait, and I am so relieved. Enough of this crap. I’m done. I sure as hell hope this works. I really don’t know if I could do it all again.

Like I said, I’ve changed my mind a lot. On the day of my negative beta of my first cycle I had already decided to jump right into a FET. In fact I didn’t even wait for the official results before jumping back in. Boy was I determined.

It helps so much to have a plan B. I know some people would never think about figuring out the details of a FET before they even got the beta results back, but this is helpful for me. I don’t want to wait to cycle again. It’s the waiting that kills me. I need to be proactive. Today I really needed to go in there and say, “This is what I want to do and how I want to do it.”

…One failed IVF will not get me to give up my dream of having a child. Someday, some how, my husband and I will have a child. I don’t know how much more heartbreak we’ll have to endure to get there, but we WILL get there.

I was having a tough time with the whole Plan B thing during my FET, though.

I’m all about having a Plan B, but thinking about that backup plan is scaring the pants off of me. The thought of having to go through another fresh cycle is not appealing in the least. Having to fork out another $15K out of thin air, putting my body through pure hell again, and getting on that emotional roller coaster yet one more time is so overwhelming.

I don’t want to have to do it all again. I just want this FET to work so badly, yet I know that there’s a good chance it won’t. This IVF crap is so hard. Too hard sometimes.

I also hit a point during my FET where I didn’t know if I could ever do IVF again.

I have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning, and you know what? I couldn’t care less. I’m so not into this cycle. I told my husband last night after I picked him up from work… that I was almost done. I know it’s not the only thing that’s stressing me out right now, but this IVF crap is just wearing me out. My husband asked if I wanted to quit now and not do the FET. My response was that I do want to go ahead and finish this FET but that I really don’t know about anything past that. So, who knows what will happen if this FET fails. I just feel like I’m nearing the end of my rope.

Once again, though, a negative on beta day not only left me sad but determined.

We’ve still got some fight left in us, though. I’ll be starting birth control pills again once my period shows up in order to do another fresh cycle. Is this what I hoped for when I started on this IVF roller coaster? Hell no, but I’m not ready to move on. We’re not ready to move on. We’ve got to try again. Sure, my checkbook is trembling away, my body is dreading the torture, and my heart is so fragile after being broken yet again, but I just can’t give up right now.

So, it looks like the IVF saga of Manana Banana will have at least one more chapter. Who knows if or when it will ever have a happy ending, but the hope that it might one day is enough for me to keep trying, at least one more time.

During my third cycle I had a major Plan B meltdown.

I think we basically have four options if this IVF fails and we have nothing to freeze. If we’re lucky enough to have embryos frozen our choice we’ll be easy. We’ll do another FET. If a FET is not an option or if we do a FET and it fails, then we’ll have to make some tough decisions.

1) Another fresh cycle.
2) Donor sperm IUI.
3) Donor embryo FET.
4) Adoption.

We’ve pretty much eliminated choice one. After this upcoming cycle we will have put about $30K and a ton of blood, sweat, and tears into this IVF business. That’s enough in our minds. I’ll never say never, but I don’t think we’ll be doing another fresh cycle…

Donor sperm IUI is definitely an option for our situation, but I don’t think it’s at the top of the list. …there’s the equality of the biological connection issue. Genetics are not the most important factor when trying to decide how to go about all of this, but there’s just something about having my genetics come into play and not my husband’s. Donor embryo FET would be another option, but it’s much harder to come about donor embryos than donor sperm.

We’re also considering adoption. I have to be honest, the adoption process scares the crap out of me… I know that when we first found out that IVF was a possibility in our future that it seemed overwhelming, too. I’ve spent millions of hours researching IVF, not to mention the fact that I’m getting pretty good at the actual process now, so it’s only natural for me to feel more comfortable with it…

Obviously, choices 2, 3, and 4 require letting go of the biological connection. So, basically, if this IVF or any possible subsequent FETs fail to work then my husband and I will most likely never have a biological child. Man, that was hard to write and hear in my head. I don’t know if I’m ready to come to terms with that yet. I know that I will be able to if need be, but that’s so tough…

I think right now we’re leaning more towards adoption, but who really knows. I haven’t had that moment where I just know what’s best for our next step. I know I need to do a lot more research, a lot more pondering, and a lot more discussing with my husband. This stuff is hard. It’s hard when you have this long term idea of how your family will be formed and then you have to keep altering that image bit by bit. I know that I want us to be able to have a child. Who knows which way that child will come into our lives. I know, with all my heart, that no matter which road we go down or how long this seemingly never ending process takes, that it will be worth it. That’s just about the only thing I know for sure.

The next day, though, I was already changing my tune.

I’m not ready to move on to other options that would require us to lose the biological connection. Not yet, anyway. I know in my head that having a child by way of donor sperm, donor embryos, or adoption would be amazing. I know that I would cherish that child no matter how he or she came into our lives. But, I’m just not ready to give up that image I have imprinted on my heart of a biological family. I’m not there yet.

After my third cycle ended in a chemical, I thought the fight was gone.

After my two previous failed cycles I was devastated but still had some fight left in me. I was determined not to let one/two failed cycles throw me off the track. Now I’m just devastated. I don’t know how to keep fighting. I hope that determination will come back soon. I don’t think my heart could handle it if I had to give up on my dream. I don’t think I’d make it.

So, how do you keep going? How do you keep pouring tens of thousands of dollars into something that has gotten you nowhere? How do you let yourself be vulnerable to sheer and utter heartbreak again?

All I know is that my heart still yearns for a child. That hasn’t changed. Each failure makes me realize even more how much I want this. I’m scared that it’s never going to happen, though. I don’t think I’ve ever been more terrified in my life.

A few days later my boxing gloves were being dusted off yet again.

I’m determined to get through another heartbreak. I’m determined to get answers. I’m determined to try again. I am determined to have a child. One way or another I know that my husband and I will be parents. I have no fucking clue what that way will be or when it will finally happen for us, but I’m not going to retire these boxing gloves until that day arrives.

And then this month while going through all of this testing I voiced my latest thinkings on all of this.

I’m so far from done, though. I know that. After the testing comes the FET, and that’s assuming that I don’t have to do anything else as a result of the sonohystogram or endo biopsy results. After the FET will undoubtedly come something else, probably another fresh cycle. The end is nowhere in sight.

The thing is, though, that as much as I want to be done, and as much as I never want to set foot in my RE’s office again, there’s no way I can call it quits. Not right now. I’m not ready to walk away without a child. Obviously there are other paths we could choose to pursue, but we’re not ready to change direction. Not yet.

It’s hard to keeping going, but it’s harder to stop. As much as I hate this shit, I’m not ready to walk away from it all. Do I think it could ever work for us? I’m not sure. A lot of times I don’t think it will. I’m holding on to the teeny tiny chance that it could, though. How else could I keep going?

So, I’ve done a complete 180 a million times throughout all of this. I’ve gone from thinking that adoption is definitely a option for us to not being there yet. I’ve gone from saying I will never do another IVF cycle again to planning out things for fresh cycle #3 for when this upcoming FET follows in our previous cycle’s footsteps. I’ve also gone from completely agreeing with my husband to being on different pages and back again.

One thing I’ve learned through all of this crap is that you never know. You never know what the future holds, and you never know how you will react once things unfold in front of you. It is nice to know that it’s possible to make it through it all, though. I just have to keep reminding myself that. I will make it though all of this. No matter where the future takes us.

• Posted in : various other ramblings
• Author : amanda

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