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Here I Go Yet Again May 31, 2005

My PIO plan worked, and my period arrived today. I guess one benefit to doing this crap over and over again is that I’ve gotten to know my body really well. It was pretty easy to predict this time around. That definitely came in handy due to the “not wanting cycle day 3 to fall during vacation” situation.

Anyway, so away I go again. I’ve got an date with the vampire on Thursday for some day 3 blood work, and then I’ll start birth control pills yet again on Thursday night. I’ll be on a different brand this time, so we’ll get to play the “guess what crazy side effects will blindside me this time” game.

Then I’ll have my hysteroscopy/ultrasound/mock transfer appointment a week from today. I guess if I had to pick one thing that I was dreading the most this cycle then that would be it. The last time anyone came anywhere near my cervix with a catheter while I was sans anesthesia was during my first embryo transfer. Oh, yes, the memories. Needless to say, I don’t want to experience that hell again.

I guess our vacation really did do me some good, because even though I’m not looking forward to that probable torture, I’m really not nervous about it. Maybe I will be next Tuesday, but I’m not today.

I probably could demand anesthesia for it, but I’m not going to for several reasons. The damn appointment is going to cost me enough as it is, so I really don’t want to add a minimum of $500 more to the bill. Plus, my RE didn’t think the anesthesia would be necessary. Apparently hysteroscopies are actually easier than transfers for people with cervical issues because the RE can see where he or she is going. Instead of just hitting a wall and not knowing exactly where to turn, the camera allows the RE to maneuver a difficult cervix more easily. Of course, I’ll also have the mock transfer to suffer through, but that’s ok. Two things give me hope that I’ll survive: my last transfer was relatively easy, and I’ll have a new RE behind the catheter. I think just the latter could make a huge difference.

Anyway, enough about that. I have an entire week to ponder that stuff. I have to say, though, that I’m glad I’m getting started again. I always fare so much better when I’m actually doing something, even if it is popping a little pill or scheduling a day of cervical torture.

Home Sweet Home May 30, 2005

The day after coming home from vacation is always hard for me. It just seems like there’s so much to catch up on. Anyway, we had a good time in California. It was nice to get away from everything for a little bit. Here a few highlights and lowlights from the trip:

- Spending tons of time with my hubby.
- OCEAN, OCEAN, and more OCEAN.
- Happening upon a group of whales having a grand time surfacing and breeching. So fascinating to watch.

- Spending my vacation with a monster case of PMS.
- Heading back into town with 30 minutes until we’re supposed to land only to hear the pilot announce that we’ll be flying in circles because the atrocious weather has closed the airport.
- Finally getting clearance to land only to discover that we are forced to sit on the plane about 10 feet from the gate for 2 hours because the airport crew cannot go outside during a lightning storm.

Overall it was a good trip, but I’m glad to be home. Now it’s back to reality, though. I’m waiting for my period to start so I can get back on the damn roller coaster one more time. I have to say, though, that somehow this vacation managed to take away my nervousness about my upcoming cycle. I don’t know why, but I’m just not freaking about it anymore. I’m just ready to get the show on the road.

Going Back to Cali May 25, 2005

The hubby and I are hopping on a plane tomorrow morning to head to California. I’m so glad I decided to go ahead and book tickets for this trip, because we really need to get away for a little while. I feel fortunate that the in laws are paying for our tickets, because the only type of vacation we can afford right now is a free one.

I’m not in a very good place right now. In fact, it’s quite ugly. I’m having a hard time. I was doing pretty well, and then bam, everything just hit me yesterday. Gotta love that feeling of being hit out of nowhere with a ton of bricks.

I’m sure part of what’s getting me down is the fact that I’m still recovering from this last failed cycle, but it’s definitely more than that. I’m having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is more than likely our last shot. The thought of reaching the end with nothing to show for it but a broken heart and empty bank account is beyond scary.

I really don’t think I’ll be ready to call it quits after this upcoming cycle, but it looks like I may not have a choice. I hate that money has to be the deciding factor in all of this. I hate it so much. What I wouldn’t give to be independently wealthy or have insurance coverage so we could decide when it’s time to walk away based on everything but money.

I know I really need to stop focusing on the “last cycle” thing. It’s obviously not working for me. I can’t seem to help it, though. I can’t just make those thoughts disappear.

Maybe this trip will get me out of my funk. At least I’ll have to get dressed in real clothes everyday and make an effort to function out in the world. Plus, stepping away from my ice cream and margarita diet will probably be a good thing.

I’m looking forward to seeing the ocean again. It’s always so calming to me, and that’s what I really need right now. I need to step away for a little bit and let a little bit of peace back in.

Sayonara May 24, 2005

I guess I never finished blogging about the saga with my old RE. When I went in for my beta on Friday, the person in charge of records had left me a copy of my beta 3 integrin biopsy results and copies of a couple of other things she had omitted when preparing my records the first time around.

Apparently my RE’s office did in fact only have the beta 3 integrin test run on my biopsy sample and did not have the standard biopsy done as they should have. I don’t know this for sure, because no one ever returned my phone call, but that’s what I’m assuming since it was the only biopsy result in my file.

Am I pissed about this? Hell yeah. Am I going to do anything about it? Doubtful.

The thing is that the beta 3 integrin report does state “there is no evidence of endometritis.” The purpose of the standard biopsy was to rule out endometritis, so it looks like the integrin test fulfilled that purpose as well. I also asked my new RE if that was sufficient to rule out endometritis, and he said it was.

Obviously my old RE’s office fucked up in a major way. Not only did they not have a test run that I was told was going to be done, but they never informed me that it wasn’t performed. As if that wasn’t enough, I was even told that the results came back normal when I asked for the test results over the phone. That’s just crap.

The thing is, though, that I really think the only thing that will come of me calling them up and raising hell over the issue will be an increase in my blood pressure. You think they’re going to rectify the situation in any way? I can tell you without a doubt that they won’t. Nothing that will benefit me will come out of the confrontation. It will only cause me stress to get into it with them.

I am washing my hands of that place. The only time I will ever speak to anyone there ever again will be to arrange transportation of my husband’s sperm to my new RE’s office. Then I’m done with them.

Knowing that I won’t have to deal with that crap ass clinic after that is a relief. They don’t give a fuck about me. Why should I give a fuck about them? I mean, I got my beta news from some random peon, because everyone was out of the office on Friday. Did anyone call me this week to follow up? Of course not. Good riddance to crap ass clinic. I’m not about to waste another thought on them.

Doctor Visit Day May 23, 2005

My kitty and I both had doctor’s appointments today. I had to take Dixie back to the vet to have her thyroid levels rechecked again since they came back borderline hypothyroid last time. She’s gained another 2 pounds for a total of 4 since her radioactive iodine treatment. She’s up to a whopping 11 pounds now. It’s a good thing, but I’m afraid that it means that she’s hypo. We should get her T4 results back tomorrow.

I had an appointment with my OB/GYN today. I scheduled it a couple of weeks ago assuming that our FET would end in another BFN and that our new RE would want new blood work. Obviously, both assumptions were correct. If I go through my OB/GYN the b/w is covered by insurance, so it made the hour and a half wait surrounded by preggos, most of whom were much younger than me, worth it.

My OB/GYN’s nurse is starting to hate me. As soon as she saw me she said “Oh, no. Not you again.” She knows that anytime I walk through the door that she’s going to have to fill out a crap load of blood work orders. I told her that it was most likely the last time I would bother her. I think she was relieved.

I had my Cystic Fibrosis and HIV 2 tests, two tests that my old RE didn’t require, done today, and I got orders for my day 3 FSH, LH, and E2 tests. I also managed to finagle orders for my husband’s communicable blood tests from my OB/GYN so he wouldn’t have to make a separate appointment with his doctor.

I have to say that I think I fared better with the blood draw than my kitty. Of course I have more practice, so it’s no surprise. It broke my heart to hear my poor kitty bellowing at the top of her lungs while they drew her blood. I think she’s already forgotten about it, though. She’s at least forgiven me, because she’s curled up in my lap at this very moment.

I’m feeling a little better about this upcoming cycle now that I’m actually doing something. Little things like getting blood tests done and filling my birth control pill prescription feel like sticking my toes back in the water. Sure the water is freaking cold, but hopefully by the time the real stuff comes along I’ll be a tad more acclimated.

PIO Injections are Easier to Take When You’re a Little on the Drunk Side May 21, 2005

Ok, I know you’re thinking “Didn’t she just get the negative beta news yesterday? Why the hell would she still be yapping about injections?” More on that in a minute.

I had my consult yesterday afternoon, and it went very well. Sure, it’s a bit unorthodox to have a second opinion consult on beta day, but that’s ok. It actually turned out to be a smart move.

I guess we should have headed over to the big guns earlier, but you know what they say about hindsight. New RE and I went over all of our previous cycles and all of our testing. Here’s some interesting highlights:

- New RE said that most of their patients have multiple failed cycles under their belts when they walk in the door, so we’re no different that way.

- He didn’t think the beta 3 integrin test should be redone since there’s nothing that shows a definite relationship between the lack of the integrin and pregnancy. He basically said everything that went through my head when deciding not to redo the test.

- He said that he would never do assisted hatching on blasts like my former RE’s office did on all of our cycles. He said at that stage it can damage the embryos. Interesting.

- He said that we should consider a day 3 transfer since we’ve done four blast transfers without success.

- He didn’t think that my lining appeared to be an issue since it’s always been 7.5 and thicker (9 and thicker on fresh cycles) and has always had a good triple stripe. He said he’s had pregnancies with much thinner linings.

- Not once did new RE make me feel like our failed cycles were our fault. My former RE had a knack for this. She was very good at blaming everyone but herself.

- He said that we still have a good chance at this. That was the only time that I teared up during the consult.

So, here’s the plan. I’m to redo cycle day 3 blood work and start birth control pills on CD3 of this upcoming cycle. I need a couple other tests done like Cystic Fibrosis, and my husband needs his communicable blood work redone. I’m also going to have a hysteroscopy, ultrasound, and mock transfer done sometime during CD6-10.

The best course of action regarding my difficult transfers will be decided based on the hysteroscopy and mock transfer findings, and my protocol will be decided after measuring my antral follicle count. He did say I stimmed fine on the long Lupron protocol, so it looks like I might be on that again.

Now back to the title of this post. I’m being a little tricky. The thing is that I have to have blood work done on cycle day 3. Normally that wouldn’t be an issue. However, we’re going out of town on Thursday. If I had stopped PIO yesterday then I’m almost positive given my experiences in past cycles that CD 3 would end up falling during the time period that we’re out of town. So, I’m staying on PIO for a few more days so that CD3 will happen sometime after we get back in town. Yes, I’m probably the first person in history to keep jabbing themselves in the ass after a negative beta. Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do, though. Last night I got my shot after a evening of enjoying some tasty margaritas. I gotta say that it didn’t hurt nearly as badly that way.

I have to admit that the decision to cycle once again was so much harder this time. The financial considerations are just astounding to think about. New clinic is a big gun clinic with a big gun price tag. It will cost $5K more to cycle there than at my former clinic. Plus, doing this fresh cycle will bring us to the $50K mark. That’s just fucking scary. We’ll be paying for this crap forever.

It’s not just the financial stuff. This crap is hard emotionally, too. Very. It’s hard to cycle again and again. It’s hard to get your heart broken again and again.

I think we need to do this last cycle, and it will be our last, for a few reasons. We’re just not at the point where we’re ready to consider other options. We may be someday, but we’re just not there yet. We also don’t want to look back and wonder what if. I really don’t want “What if we had just done a cycle with a different clinic?” floating around in my head forever.

Also, this consult did something to relieve the hopeless factor a bit. Of course, I’m not skipping around thinking this is going to work, but I don’t feel like we’re a completely hopeless case anymore. Who really knows if this next cycle will end any differently than any of the others, but I feel like we have more of a chance with the new RE.

You know what, though? I’m scared. So completely terrified. I have to say that adding “IVF #5″ as a new category to my blog doesn’t help matters any. In fact it pretty much freaks me the fuck out.

I’m scared to go through all of this crap again. I’m scared to have a hysteroscopy and mock transfer done while I’m actually awake. I’m scared of spending so much money. I’m scared of doing it all again for nothing.

I don’t feel like we’ve reached the end, though. Not yet.

No Big Surprise May 20, 2005

I just got the call. I’m officially 0-4. I didn’t even get to raise hell when I went in for beta this morning. Apparently both my RE and IVF coordinator decided to take the day off. More on that later, but I’m actually on my way out the door to go to my consult. I’m really interested to see what the new RE has to say about this mess. Should be interesting.

Seriously, I Can Take No More May 19, 2005

I really wanted to write a non bitchy post today. Guess it’s not going to happen. I’m so on the edge right now.

I finally got my records in the mail. However, they were not complete. There were several things missing including my endo biopsy reports. I called my RE’s office and spoke to the person who handles the records and was told that she had just assumed I already had those. Um, hello. I specially told her that I needed those. It was even written on the damn record request form.

That’s not the thing that’s pissing me off, though. When she went back through my chart she could only find the report for the beta 3 integrin biopsy. No report for a standard endo biopsy was anywhere to be found. When she asked for clarification on this, she was told that the standard biopsy was never performed. What the fuck? I was told that the result was normal. Did someone just lie to me about that? I sincerely hope she’s mistaken or I will be throwing a fit. A big one.

This conversation occurred at 8:00 this morning. I was told that my IVF coordinator would call me so we could talk about the situation. Now, more than 6 hours later, I have not received a call back.

Ok, I just called back since no one had called me. Apparently my IVF coordinator left for the day without returning my call. I’m raising hell tomorrow morning. Can you see why I’m so ready to be out of there?

FRED is also pissing me off. I broke another one out this morning and watched the stick for the full 10 minutes. Negative. No surprise. None at all, so I went back to bed. Of course, I had to look at the damn thing again after I got up an hour later. There was the faintest hint of a second line. It was colorless, undoubtably undetectable to the non infertile’s eye, and obviously showed up way beyond the time limit. Can we say evaporation line?

I know it’s an evap. I’ve had them before. I know it means NOTHING, but it’s just enough to fuck with my head.

I really could use a drink right now. My blood is just boiling thinking about how I am being treated by my clinic. It wasn’t always this way. When I was fresh meat I was treated very well. Now that I a four time loser, and they know I’m out of there after this cycle, I’m being treated like total shit. It just pisses me off to no end.

So, if anyone hears some major bitching and yelling tomorrow morning, that will be me. I cannot wait to get this beta over with so I can get the hell out of dodge. If I never set foot in that damn office again it will be too soon.

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another May 18, 2005

You’d think yesterday would been enough to deal with for one week. Oh, no. The universe just couldn’t stop there.

This morning my husband went off to work like he usually does, or so I thought. He came back rather quickly, though. The stupid car battery was dead. Oh, the joys of having only one car. Gotta love the fact that we can’t buy a second one, because we’re pouring all of our money into this failing IVF venture.

Anyway, we had to find someone to jump start the stupid thing, and then all I could do was sit here hoping that my husband would make it to the auto parts store. Thankfully he did, and a little while ago I got a message from him that “Operation New Battery” was complete. I’m glad he made it, but what a pain.

Another current pain in my ass in “Operation Obtain Records.” Apparently getting my records from my RE’s office is like pulling teeth. I’ve been requesting these records forever. I need them for my consult on Friday. First I was told that they would be ready for me to pick up on the day of transfer. Didn’t happen. Then I was told that they would be mailed out mid week of last week. Didn’t happen. Then after much hounding on my part I was told they would be mailed out Friday at the latest. Well, I still haven’t gotten them.

I called today to find out what the hell was going on, and got put on hold for 20 minutes. AAAAACK! My brain’s about to explode. I cannot wait to get the hell out of there.

Can anything be easy? Even just a little? I’ve never asked for the easy way out of this crap. Never. I never expected this IVF stuff to work on the first try. I never thought that we wouldn’t have to sacrifice financially, physically, and emotionally. I just don’t get why we seem to have to travel the hardest path possible.

On a totally unrelated note, thank you. Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. Not one of you said anything along the lines of “just wait for beta” or “you never know” or “maybe you just tested too early.” Thank you for that. I just can’t handle that shit right now.

And if anyone’s wondering, no, I didn’t pee on another damn stick this morning. I just couldn’t face another lone line again today. This is hard enough without that.

Sleepless Nights May 17, 2005

I’ve been awake since 3:30. It sucks to not be able to find sleep.

I caved this morning. FRED was as fucking snow white as he ever could be. I don’t know why I ever thought that there was a chance that wouldn’t be the case.

I’m 8dp6dt. It’s not too early. That’s my result. I’ve been through this shit before. I know how it works. Or doesn’t.

I wonder if I’ll ever know what it feels like to find success in this fucked up IVF world. It’s looking less and less likely.

I woke my husband up with my sobbing this morning. Now I’m just numb.

I need to start the grieving process for the fourth time. I can’t bear to hear “maybe it was too early” or “you never know until beta.” I just don’t think I could deal with that right now.

I really hope sleep finds me soon. It’s hard to sit here and listen to the thoughts in my head. So damn hard.

No Itching Here May 16, 2005

Seven years ago today my husband and I said “I do.” Isn’t the 7th anniversary the time where the itching begins? Well, no such thing is happening here. I’ve never felt more itchless in my life.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. I am so thankful that dealing with this infertility crap has strengthened my marriage. I know that’s not always the case. I think that’s the main thing that allows me to keep at this stuff. I never doubt that no matter what happens with regards to infertility and IVF that my marriage will always be there as strong as ever. Knowing that I will always have my husband to lean on when the world around us seems to be crumbling gives me the strength to forge on.

I very well may be calling on the strength of my marriage to get me through yet another tough time in the upcoming days. Of course I’m scared shitless to go through all of that again. The thought of experiencing that kind of heartbreak again is almost too much, but I know that we’ll make it. I know in my heart that we will, no matter how hard it may be at the time. We will make it.

Happy Anniversary Dan! I love you to pieces.

Feeling a Little Too Normal May 15, 2005

I always have “symptoms” during the 2ww. Of course they’re always hormone induced, but they’re always there. Let me list my “symptoms” this time around:

Umm… I’ve got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have to say it’s very strange. No sore boobs, no cramps to speak of, no ravenous hunger, no bloating, nada. I’ve always had all of these things messing with me during the 2ww. What’s up this time around?

Well, I did get a cramp in my calf in the middle of the night last night. Does that count? It’s pretty sad when I’m forced to make up symptoms. If I didn’t have personal knowledge that I had just been through a FET cycle, there’s absolutely no way I could tell by how my body’s feeling. I just feel so freaking normal.

I did experience the lovely “having to pee at all hours of the day” and “I can’t get enough sleep” side effects earlier on during the 2ww, but they’ve tapered off. I guess my body’s just used to the progesterone now. If I wasn’t getting jabbed in the ass nightly, I swear I wouldn’t know I was being doped up with PIO either.

Now that I’ve actually vocalized this I’m sure I’ll be inundated with “symptoms.” I’m sure the never ending cramps are just around the corner.

Isn’t it fun how it’s possible to obsess over even the lack of symptoms? I’m just having a ball.

Look What I Got For My Birthday May 14, 2005

What could be more perfect for a girl in the 2ww than that? I actually sort of panicked at first, because it seems that there’s some kind of run on FREDs this weekend. It took trips to three different stores to finally find one that had any in stock. I won’t be breaking them out yet. That’s not how I want to spend my birthday or our upcoming anniversary. They won’t stand a chance after that, though.

So, another year older, another year… umm. I don’t know about wiser, but it’s definitely been quite a year. Tonight my hubby and I are going to see the Houston Ballet. I couldn’t think of a nicer way to spend my birthday.

It’s pretty damn obvious what I’m wishing for this year. Oh, man. Please let it come true.

A Note From the Administrator

Just a note: My husband’s been messing with my blog (without my knowledge- thanks hubby) so random posts may be popping up in Bloglines. This drives me crazy, because it makes it seem like I just wrote them. Anyway, all but my bday post are repeats.

Has It Really Only Been 4 Days? May 13, 2005

I can’t believe I’m only 4 days past transfer. Could time move more slowly? I highly doubt it. Hopefully things will move a tad more quickly this weekend.

This 2ww feels different. I don’t know if I feel different physically (I can never remember how I’ve felt from one 2ww to the next) or if I’m just in a different place emotionally. Either way, it’s different.

I guess I’m just handling this 2ww differently. I’m freaking out in ways I never have before while suppressing some of my different, more notorious freak out urges.

Even though I’ve got my second opinion consult scheduled, I’m not freaking out about Plan B right now. I know I totally did last cycle, and it wasn’t pretty. The time between transfer and beta is not a good time to be making important decisions, so I’m putting all of that on the back burner. Yes, I’ve got a back up plan in the sense that I’ve got that consult scheduled, but I’m not doing the whole “What the fuck are we going to do? Another fresh cycle? Adoption? Donor?” freak out thing this time around. It actually feels kind of strange not to be worrying about that.

I just know that my true feelings about the next step will come out on beta day. They always do. So, I guess there’s just no point in spinning my wheels about that stuff right now. Plus, it’s not like I don’t have enough other stuff to keep my mind reeling. Oh, the fun of the 2 week wait. Anyone got a time machine they could lend me?

Way Too Freakin Early May 12, 2005

This is getting ridiculous. What’s up with this insomnia? Every night since transfer I’ve been waking up around 3:30am to pee and then can’t go back to sleep. Same thing happened tonight. I tried to go back to sleep for an hour but finally had to get up. I’ve been out of bed for over half an hour and still feel like I’m nowhere near being able to go back to sleep. Thus my posting at 5:00. I’ve never had this kind of insomnia with any of my other cycles. I’m thinking this is going to get old fast.

I realize I’ve been just a tad on the psycho side the past couple of days. Evidence here and here. I think I’m going to try to chill the fuck out, though. Seriously, like I don’t have enough to deal with without flipping the fuck out on a daily basis.

This 2ww has just seamed harder from the get go this time around. I don’t know if it’s just because each subsequent 2ww gets harder or what. It’s just so much harder this time.

Nonetheless, I’m going to attempt to not go psycho for a little while. I guess we’ll see how long that lasts.

I Think I’ve Done It May 11, 2005

I’ve managed to thwart Hope. I kicked her ass good, and she’s currently residing in the Intensive Care Unit. How dare she try to mess with me.

It wasn’t that hard to do actually. I read my post from yesterday a few hours after I had written it, and it just struck me. Who am I kidding? There’s no chance of this working. I should know better than that. Forget all of the embryo quality, lining thickness, ease of transfer crap. None of that matters. The fact of the matter is that this crap doesn’t work for me. It just doesn’t. I never get that lucky. Reality set back in quickly yesterday afternoon.

In case Hope gets any ideas about leaving the ICU before beta day, I’ve come up with a couple of plans to thwart her further. Plans in which the assumption is made that this cycle is going to go nowhere past beta day.

First of all, I’ve booked my husband and myself tickets to go visit his family in CA over the Memorial Day weekend. You see, if this cycle actually worked I wouldn’t want to fly then because the trip would fall between beta and the first ultrasound. Take that Hope.

Secondly, I’ve already scheduled a second opinion appointment to talk about the possibility of doing another fresh cycle with a new RE. I actually scheduled this appointment a couple of weeks ago. When I scheduled it originally I was trying to time it so that the appointment would fall about 4 or 5 days after beta. Well, since my FET cycle got delayed due to my lining issues, my consult now falls when? Oh, yes. On beta day. I thought about rescheduling it, but that’s what Hope would want. Not gonna happen. I’m keeping it the way it is.

So, I think I’m now winning the battle against Hope. That will teach her to fuck with me.

Beating Hope Back With a Stick May 10, 2005

I have had zero hope throughout this entire cycle, and that’s the way I like it. It makes for a softer landing come beta day. But somehow that bitch Hope snuck back in yesterday. I hate that bitch so much.

I was doing so well, and then we had a relatively easy transfer yesterday. I’ve always felt that my difficult transfers were our achilles heal in all of this. It’s been the common denominator in all of our previous cycles. The fact that yesterday’s transfer was so much better resulted in Hope marching back through the door.

I’m doing my best to remind myself of all of the reasons why this isn’t going to work. Let’s review:

1. We transferred some seriously slow poke embryos. Those embryos were lower quality than the other 8 blasts we’ve transferred previously. The fact that they were 8 cells on day 5 and somehow managed to make it to blast on day 6 does not bode well.

2. My lining wasn’t great this cycle. It was far from it. I’ve had much thicker linings in all of our previous cycles.

3. Hello, we don’t have a great track record. We’ve already done 3 cycles without success. Why the hell would this one be any different?

But that little voice that keeps reminding me that we’ve never had a good transfer before won’t leave me alone. I know that difficult transfers lower success rates, and that fact won’t leave me alone either. There’s another thing, too. I’ve always bled after my previous transfers. Obviously that’s not a good thing. I did not have a single spot this time, though. Not a single spot.

That bitch Hope is also making me question my reasons why I know this won’t work. Somehow the following thoughts have crept up since transfer:

1. I’ve seen people get pregnant from low quality embryos before, and it’s not like ours were terrible quality. They’re average quality. Plus, if they managed to make it to blast on day 6 they must be fighters.

2. Yes, my lining wasn’t the best this cycle, but I’ve seen people get pregnant with thinner linings than that. I even read a study where a couple of people got pregnant with 4mm linings. My 7.5ish lining is much better than that.

3. Well, if people with multiple failed cycles never found success then there wouldn’t be a Pregnant Vets board on IVFC. Plus, look at Julie, Tertia, Menita, and Brenda to name a few.

AAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Stop it Hope. Seriously.

I absolutely hate getting my hopes up even a little bit. It makes this so much harder. God, I want this to work so badly, but I cannot get my hopes up. I just can’t.

So, if you need me I’ll be beating the crap out of Hope. Hopefully her ass will be good and kicked by the time I post again.

Relieved Does Not Even Begin to Describe It May 9, 2005

Yesterday was hard. The whole mother’s day thing combined with my pre FET freak out just about did me in. I survived, and I’m glad I did.

I made it to transfer today, and I cannot tell you how relieved I am. After waiting forever and a year to learn about our embryos, we found out that all 3 of our blasts survived the thaw and did not lose anything in terms of quality. Can’t ask for anything better than that. We transferred 1 grade 4 and 2 grade 3’s (1-5 scale with 5 being highest). This is our lowest quality transfer thus far, but I’m just so glad they all made it.

Wanna hear even more good news? I had by far the easiest transfer yet. It only took about 15 minutes, and my cervix didn’t even have to be dilated. My RE still had to mess with the tenaculum, but it went so much better than my previous ETs. They also took a peek at my lining, and it looked at least as thick as it was on Wednesday, so that was good news as well.

So, I survived today pretty much unscathed. Everything went so much better than I expected. Now I just have to survive the 2ww. Beta’s on 5/20.

It’s Gonna Be a Long Night May 8, 2005

I hate the day before a FET. It’s so hard not to worry about the thaw. I have no clue if we’ll have anything to transfer tomorrow morning, and the thought of fighting to get to this point only to not make it to transfer is just too much.

I’m also worried about the transfer itself if we make it that far. Man, I wish I could have a normal transfer where my husband gets to hold my hand while we watch the happenings on the ultrasound screen. Instead, my husband will be sitting in the waiting room while the anesthesiologist takes his place. Plus, just going into the transfer knowing how my previous transfers have gone just makes for a bad experience. I don’t want to worry about whether or not the transfer will even be possible or how much manipulation will have to be done to get the catheter past my biatch of a cervix. I hate that.

There’s one thing that’s keeping me from really stressing out, though. I’m tired. So freaking tired. My husband and I went to visit my parents yesterday and did not get the best night’s sleep. Between that, the fact that it is so freakin dark and stormy out right now, and the fact that I’m in a PIO induced coma, I’m about to crash. Might be for the best. It sure would be nice just to fall asleep and not wake up until it’s time to leave tomorrow morning.

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