jump to navigation

Beating Hope Back With a Stick May 10, 2005

I have had zero hope throughout this entire cycle, and that’s the way I like it. It makes for a softer landing come beta day. But somehow that bitch Hope snuck back in yesterday. I hate that bitch so much.

I was doing so well, and then we had a relatively easy transfer yesterday. I’ve always felt that my difficult transfers were our achilles heal in all of this. It’s been the common denominator in all of our previous cycles. The fact that yesterday’s transfer was so much better resulted in Hope marching back through the door.

I’m doing my best to remind myself of all of the reasons why this isn’t going to work. Let’s review:

1. We transferred some seriously slow poke embryos. Those embryos were lower quality than the other 8 blasts we’ve transferred previously. The fact that they were 8 cells on day 5 and somehow managed to make it to blast on day 6 does not bode well.

2. My lining wasn’t great this cycle. It was far from it. I’ve had much thicker linings in all of our previous cycles.

3. Hello, we don’t have a great track record. We’ve already done 3 cycles without success. Why the hell would this one be any different?

But that little voice that keeps reminding me that we’ve never had a good transfer before won’t leave me alone. I know that difficult transfers lower success rates, and that fact won’t leave me alone either. There’s another thing, too. I’ve always bled after my previous transfers. Obviously that’s not a good thing. I did not have a single spot this time, though. Not a single spot.

That bitch Hope is also making me question my reasons why I know this won’t work. Somehow the following thoughts have crept up since transfer:

1. I’ve seen people get pregnant from low quality embryos before, and it’s not like ours were terrible quality. They’re average quality. Plus, if they managed to make it to blast on day 6 they must be fighters.

2. Yes, my lining wasn’t the best this cycle, but I’ve seen people get pregnant with thinner linings than that. I even read a study where a couple of people got pregnant with 4mm linings. My 7.5ish lining is much better than that.

3. Well, if people with multiple failed cycles never found success then there wouldn’t be a Pregnant Vets board on IVFC. Plus, look at Julie, Tertia, Menita, and Brenda to name a few.

AAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Stop it Hope. Seriously.

I absolutely hate getting my hopes up even a little bit. It makes this so much harder. God, I want this to work so badly, but I cannot get my hopes up. I just can’t.

So, if you need me I’ll be beating the crap out of Hope. Hopefully her ass will be good and kicked by the time I post again.

Comments»

1. Wavery - May 10, 2005

May I recommend using a Swiffer to beat Hope down? I find it’s dual purpose, cleaning as well as the beating, to be quite reassuring, and the metal handle makes a nice clunking noise against the stove, the gate, the desk, etc.

2. Sheri - May 10, 2005

Amanda, would you give that bitch a good smack down and tell her it’s from me. She really screwed me over last cycle and I don’t want to see her face for the next one.

3. cass - May 10, 2005

What Sheri said. But please leave a little life in her, in case I need her back someday. (Hey, you never know, right?)

4. BrendaS - May 10, 2005

Slap her a couple times for me too.. right in the kisser!!!

*hugs*
Brenda

5. ankaisa - May 11, 2005

That bitch should not interfere with our cycles. I want to beat her up, too, for letting me down so many times. But I also know that she is not easily thrown out. If only it did not hurt that much when her promises do not come true…

6. Staci - May 11, 2005

I’m a pessimist as a result of infertility, if not by nature, but I still say let Hope hang around for the 2 weeks…at least in small doses. It gets really depressing thinking that you’re suffering through all this crap for nothing and makes it even harder to persevere. I almost stopped my meds 9 days into my 2 ww last time because I was getting negative HPT’s but Hope set me straight (sure, she was wrong once again but she’s bound to be right some day and I don’t want it to be when I’ve done something stupid).

Plenty of time to beat her up later if necessary.

7. T - May 11, 2005

I find an out of the way closet with a sturdy lock to do the trick with ol’ hope. Unless of course, you need some release.

8. Pamplemousse - May 11, 2005

You are a fighter and so are those embryos. I say you could visit Hope in the ICU once a week.