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Sleepless Nights May 17, 2005

I’ve been awake since 3:30. It sucks to not be able to find sleep.

I caved this morning. FRED was as fucking snow white as he ever could be. I don’t know why I ever thought that there was a chance that wouldn’t be the case.

I’m 8dp6dt. It’s not too early. That’s my result. I’ve been through this shit before. I know how it works. Or doesn’t.

I wonder if I’ll ever know what it feels like to find success in this fucked up IVF world. It’s looking less and less likely.

I woke my husband up with my sobbing this morning. Now I’m just numb.

I need to start the grieving process for the fourth time. I can’t bear to hear “maybe it was too early” or “you never know until beta.” I just don’t think I could deal with that right now.

I really hope sleep finds me soon. It’s hard to sit here and listen to the thoughts in my head. So damn hard.

Comments»

1. deborah - May 17, 2005

I’m so, so very sorry Amanda. I feel your pain, and wish there was something I could do to take it away.

2. Cat, Galloping - May 17, 2005

I’m so sorry. I wish there was something more I could say or do.

3. Jenn - May 17, 2005

I’m so so sorry. I’ll be thinking about you.

4. Suz - May 17, 2005

I’m so sorry, Amanda.

5. Dan - May 17, 2005

I know it’s hard, baby, hard for both of us. I want you to know that we’re going to make it through this together. I’m proud of you for being so tough through all of this, and I love you!

6. Julie - May 17, 2005

Here and thinking of you.

7. susie - May 17, 2005

I’m so sorry, Amanda.

8. Amyesq - May 17, 2005

OK, first off, how sweet is your husband??

I am so, so sorry. The gut-wrenching heartbreak is something I’ll never forget.

9. katie - May 17, 2005

I’m so sorry.

10. Susan/holdingpattern - May 17, 2005

Amanda, I’m so sorry. But I am glad to see that you have the support of a wonderful, loving husband.

11. Sheri - May 17, 2005

I am so, so sorry.

12. Kim - May 17, 2005

Oh Amanda, I am really sorry to hear that.

13. Cathy - May 17, 2005

I’m so sorry and of course hoping you are mistaken. (Hope that’s not verging into the territory of comments you don’t want–if so, I take it back.) Most of all I’m sending you and your husband good thoughts.

14. Jen - May 17, 2005

I’m so very sorry. Love to you and your husband.

15. cass - May 17, 2005

Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry. Sending lots of love, a big box of the really really soft tissues, and a boatload of chocolate (and vodka, if that’s your thing).

16. B - May 17, 2005

I’m so, so very sorry.

17. la gringa - May 17, 2005

So sorry Amanda. Thinking of you, as always.

18. Lisa - May 17, 2005

So very very sorry. It’s so rough…I hate that you are going through this again.

19. dawn - May 17, 2005

Amanda, I am truly, truly sorry.

20. Julianna - May 17, 2005

Fuck.

I am just getting home from work and am so saddened to read this…………….

i hope you get some sleep and i hope you eat and i wish i lived near you so i could give you a hug.

i love you

21. Heather - May 18, 2005

Oh no. I was so, so hopeful for you. I’m very sorry.

22. Staci - May 18, 2005

I wish I could think of something better to say than I’m sorry but the unfairness of it all leaves me without words. I am thinking of you and wishing you the strength to get through this.

23. T - May 18, 2005

I’m sorry, my little mudslide.

24. BrendaS - May 19, 2005

fRED’s are not the best test.. no matter what people say.

I didn’t get a ++ until 2 days before beta on those… but did on the Answer and Clear Blue Early.

Don’t lose hope, sweetie.

Brenda