Going Back to Cali May 25, 2005
The hubby and I are hopping on a plane tomorrow morning to head to California. I’m so glad I decided to go ahead and book tickets for this trip, because we really need to get away for a little while. I feel fortunate that the in laws are paying for our tickets, because the only type of vacation we can afford right now is a free one.
I’m not in a very good place right now. In fact, it’s quite ugly. I’m having a hard time. I was doing pretty well, and then bam, everything just hit me yesterday. Gotta love that feeling of being hit out of nowhere with a ton of bricks.
I’m sure part of what’s getting me down is the fact that I’m still recovering from this last failed cycle, but it’s definitely more than that. I’m having a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that this is more than likely our last shot. The thought of reaching the end with nothing to show for it but a broken heart and empty bank account is beyond scary.
I really don’t think I’ll be ready to call it quits after this upcoming cycle, but it looks like I may not have a choice. I hate that money has to be the deciding factor in all of this. I hate it so much. What I wouldn’t give to be independently wealthy or have insurance coverage so we could decide when it’s time to walk away based on everything but money.
I know I really need to stop focusing on the “last cycle” thing. It’s obviously not working for me. I can’t seem to help it, though. I can’t just make those thoughts disappear.
Maybe this trip will get me out of my funk. At least I’ll have to get dressed in real clothes everyday and make an effort to function out in the world. Plus, stepping away from my ice cream and margarita diet will probably be a good thing.
I’m looking forward to seeing the ocean again. It’s always so calming to me, and that’s what I really need right now. I need to step away for a little bit and let a little bit of peace back in.
- Posted in : IVF Part 5: IVF #3, various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Ahh, the ocean is nice. I hope you have a wonderful, safe and (dare I say?!) relaxing trip.
Take care of yourself while away. I say keep up with the ice cream margarita diet just focus more on the margarita part.
Enjoy!
The ocean always makes me feel better! Enjoy, sweet Amanda!!
Well, you know, you could switch to a Pina Colada diet - just for a beachy change of pace. (Though margaritas go nicely with the beach, too - salt and salt and all that…)
I hope the time away is relaxing and rejuvenating. And tasty!
Have a great time!
Have a wonderful time and I completely understand about the “last one pressure”……and also about the ZERO insurance coverage……damn, if my insurance paid for IVF’s, I don’t even know if I would be stressed, knowing that I could keep trying and trying and trying……
It does help to think of the “now” because when you think of the failure or the anticipation of IVF#5, you’re missing out on the moments with your husband, especially while y’all are on vacation………try to think of “right now” when you are in Cali……..you can’t do anything about the other anyway.
Take care.
Thinking of you, Amanda.
I hope you have a wonderful trip - you deserve it!
Stepping “away” from ice cream and margaritas? That must be a typo. Try to enjoy, Amanda.
Have a wonderful trip - i always find the ocean is a great help to me - I hope it has the same effect on you,.
I hope you have a wonderful, happy trip Amanda!
I hope this trip is everything you wish it to be. I know, it is so, so hard not to think in terms of the “last shot.” Been there and got lucky, but I remember the sheer awful sadness I felt every day.
OK, not helping here, sorry.
Have a wonderful, wonderful trip. Hope you get plenty of sunshine, rest and love, and then…onwards and upwards.
*hugs*
maybe your body and mind seriously needs a break. just been wondering, since it’s so hard, maybe you could look into other means of getting a little child of your own (adopting?) you guys would make such loving wonderful parents. and some little kid out there in need of home and love could get so lucky.
i always wondered why people didn’t adopt instead. i guess it must be the innate want to have a kid of their own, which is fair enough. but when that doesn’t seem to work out, we have all these other lovely innocent children we can reach out to and help instead and then call our own, yes?
but good luck, amanda. you and your hubby are so brave, and do deserve someone a little someone of your own. Godbless you always.