Things Aren’t Always Pretty June 28, 2005
I wrote a post last night that I was not sure I was going to publish. I know that at least one of the people I referenced in my post read my blog. I really, really do not want to make either one of my friends feel badly if they happen to read this post. With that said, I try really hard not to censor myself on my blog. I don’t just post the pretty stuff. There’s a lot of ugly, too, and last night was one of those ugly times. I decided to go ahead and post it, because this is me. It may not be pretty, but it’s how I felt.
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I honestly don’t know if I should be posting this. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t know who to talk to about this, though, so I’m just going to put it all out there.
I’m sitting here with tears dripping down my face, and I can’t make them stop. I want to so badly, but I can’t. I feel so selfish, but I can’t help that either. Why can’t I just be a bigger person? Why do I let this get to me so much?
I’ve been posting with a group of women for almost a year. We all started out going through our first IVF cycles at the same time. A pretty good number of our cycle buddies got lucky on their first attempts and sauntered off into pregnancy land. The rest of us didn’t share their luck. Since then we’ve all been cycling and cycling. All of us have multiple failed cycles under our belts. It seemed that none of us would ever get lucky.
Until today. One of my good friends, who I’ve actually had the pleasure of meeting in person, finally got lucky on her third cycle. I am genuinely happy for her. I know the shit she’s gone through to get to this point, and I really wanted this for her with all of my heart.
But, and it’s a big but, I’m not dealing well with the news. As much as I am happy for my friend, I am sad for myself. Very, very sad.
I met another friend online before we had even started IVF. I even joined a message board in order to respond to one of her posts way back when. Her husband has azoospermia, too, so we can relate to each other well. They waited a while to do their first cycle, and during that time I got to jump on the IVF train again and again.
I knew that she was going through her cycle and have been emailing her periodically to get updates. I got the beta update today. It worked the first time. Am I happy for her and her husband? Without a doubt. Without a fucking doubt. Like with my other friend, I wanted this for her so badly. I really, really wanted it to work for her the first time.
Once again, though, I took the news hard. I’ve always felt that using surgically retrieved sperm adds one extra tricky dimension to this IVF crap. I’m glad that wasn’t the case for them, but it’s hard for me.
God, I hate myself so much for this. Me, me, me. Why the hell does it all have to be about fucking me?
I want nothing but the best for these two friends and all of the rest of my friends I’ve been fortunate enough to meet in the internet world. I want these two friends to have happy, healthy pregnancies. I really want that with all of my heart.
So, why does their wonderful news make me so sad? Why can’t I just get past the me factor? Why can’t I just be happy for them period.
I guess this shit is just too hard sometimes. I guess that even happy news can dredge up unhappiness inside. I so wish that wasn’t the case, though. I just want to be able to celebrate with my friends without having to deal with the crap churning around on the inside.
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I am feeling a little better this morning. However, I’m still having a hard time with this and some other crap thrown in the mix for good measure. One of my kittys is hurt, and that’s not helping any either.
I need to make one point clear. No matter how it seemed in my previous post, I am not happy or excited about doing another damn cycle. Does it help me to be doing something rather than sitting on my ass not making any progress in the baby making pursuit? Hell yes. Would I rather not have to ever do another IVF cycle again as long as I live? You bet ya.
Sometimes when you’ve been knocked down again and again you have to do something to get yourself off of the floor and back into the ring. Yesterday was part of that. I am bruised and beaten and not seeing straight. Yet, I need to find a way to get myself back in the ring knowing that my ass will get kicked one more time. That’s tough. Extremely.
So, I will get past my own feelings of sadness or jealousy or whatever the fuck they are, and I will be happy for my friends. Shit, I’m happy for them already, but I will get past my crap so that nothing will stand in my way of celebrating with them.
I will also get my ass off of the ground and live to fight another round. I may end up in a freaking coma after this round, but I’m going to do it anyway. At least I know that I’ll get in a few punches before I hit the ground one more time.
- Posted in : IVF Part 5: IVF #3, various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
That’s got to be awful for you. For us, I’m the “problem” and the people who effortlessly ovulate and get pregnant make me batty. I spend 6 months waiting for one damn egg…and then MISS. It is hard for ME to be happy for my friends when they come up pregnant without trying, or after one or two months of trying. I can’t even imagine how much harder it would be after multiple IVF cycles.
Also, I’m sure you thought about it, but maybe your friends would understand? They have been there, and they know too. They are happy (probably thrilled), but they also know that it is going to be hard to tell people. Maybe they were hoping they could share that with you too and now they can’t?
It may sound crazy, but I wouldn’t count your friends out yet. I think real friends will understand more than you think. This is a bittersweet moment for you (and probably them too). I hope your happy moment comes this cycle. You really deserve that.
>
I meant “Maybe they were hoping they could share pregnancy with you and now they can’t” Not any of the other mean things it sounded like.
I think it’s entirely possible to be happy for your friends but sad for yourself at the same time. I don’t really see a contradiction, nor should you feel bad. When you see other people achieve what you are so desperately trying for, how could it not remind you of what you are still lacking? IF is such a hard road…don’t ever blame yourself for feeling this way, it would be impossible not to. All of this shit is so hard, there’s just no way of getting around it.
Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling this way. I think most of us who have experienced infertility can relate to what you’re going through now — that feeling of happiness for a friend who has succeeded, even as it is overwhelmed by the sadness and depression for ourselves. I remember being frustrated with myself for the same reason — why can’t I just be happy for her? Why do I have to make it all about ME? But it’s a normal feeling, and I think most of us are able to get past it if we just acknowledge our feelings. Especially with our friends who have been through the same crap we have.
I’m glad you posted, it’s not an easy thing to talk about. But I’d be surprised if there were many infertiles who haven’t been there.
I know from personal experience that it is possible to be both happy for your friends and sad for yourself at the same time. I feel exactly the same way. Especially when your friend is a veteran too, you want to be happy for them. And you are happy for them. It gives you a little twinge of hope that it might work for you too. But you are still a veteran, with a lot of wondering “when will it be my turn?” and “will it EVER be my turn?”. And that makes you sad.
I hope and pray it will be your turn this time.
That’s one of the worst things about making friends who are in the same boat. Eventually people move on. When we were first diagnosed, I joined a group of 12 women on a board. Some had more problems than others, but now, I’m the only one left. Everyone else is at least pregnant, and many are on #2. It’s very hard to see others “graduate” from infertility. You have every right to be both happy and sad. I admire you for speaking your mind and for your strength and tenacity.
Sweetie, I’m so glad that you posted this because it’s something that we’ve all thought, something that we can all relate to no matter how much we wish we couldn’t. I have these feelings more than I would like. I am hoping so hard that this works for you; I want it so badly for you.
Don’t feel bad for your feelings. I’m sure your friends are all to familiar with someone else’s happy news being disappointing to them. You are absolutely normal to have these feelings. I’m glad you posted about it.
This is just to say please don’t add guilt on top of all the other emotions you’re feeling. It’s completely, 100% natural and normal and your friends would probably understand if you wanted to tell them. I remember how hard I cried right after we got the male factor diagnosis when my friend called to announce she was pregnant with twins the first month she ditched birth control. To be honest, even in my current happy situation, I’m not sure our friendship will ever recover.
I’ve felt like this many times (today in fact) and always feel like the worlds biggest jerk. I think it’s normal though.
Of course you feel that way – it’s completely normal. You are absolutely able to feel sad for yourself while glad for your friends. Don’t let your thoughts get in your way (and phew, it’s not me – ahhahaa!).
Yes, yes ,yes, I have had very similar feelings, and I think it is just fine (and I vote for keeping it real in your blog, like you did with this post, too!). For me, it is hard to imagine hearing the news of ANY pregnancy (let alone a close friend’s) without a tinge of sadness (or downright sobbing, ideally later, when I am alone!). I am pretty sure your friends will understand your mixed feelings, if you choose to share it with them. Take care of yourself, and good luck in the ring–you are a fighter (coma or not)!
Feeling happy for your friends but sad for yourself doesn’t make you a bad friend or a bad person. It just shows you’re human, a human who has every right to be frustrated as hell right now. Please don’t deny yourself that right.
Your feelings are so normal. I have been there more then a few times.
Thinking of you.
Oh, me too, me too! I hate my petty self for it, most of the time.
Like everyone else, I totally understand where you are coming from. The worst for me over the past year was hearing about both my SIL’s getting pregnant within a few months of one another. I seriously had a panic attack when I found out about each one and couldn’t stop my heart from racing. I just felt completely out of control and helpless. And, I couldn’t help the terrible thought from running through my head that DH’s 2 brothers were both able to get their wives pregnant so easily shortly after getting married and here I am 5 years into marriage undergoing all this crap due to male factor infertility. Now, how is that for having emotions that you feel guilty about?
I mean I love my DH with all my heart and, if being with him ultimately means not having children, then so be it yet I couldn’t help feeling some resentment….for everyone that has not had to deal with this! Anyway, I think we all appreciate your honesty. I think such feelings are completely normal given the abnormal circumstances we’re all finding ourselves under.
Sorry such a long post!
Staci
It is perfectly normal for you to feel the way you feel. After so much disappointment and heartache, how can you not be upset about your situation when everyone else around you is getting pregnant? I know how you feel, and it is not pretty, but you are definitely not alone. You are not a bad person, just a person who has feelings and has been hurt over and over. I wish I could help you!
I have been thinking about you so much and I hope you are well.
Everything you say, is something that I have felt.
It is so normal to feel more sad about yourself than happy for everyone else when it is never ending.
Amanda, you know that I love you. At least, I hope you know that. If it is possible to love a stranger, I love you……..your heart.
I feel like we have had every IVF at the same time. We have been perpetual cycle buddies. The heartbroken buddy club.
I am old and you are so young. I hear “donor eggs” and you hear “but you’re so young!”………in the end, we both hurt the same.
I will always check on you and I will cry tears of joy when you become pregnant. BIG HUGE TEARS OF COMPLETE JOY. I think it is because I have felt your pain so much.
Take care, take deep breaths, try to relax and imagine your wonderful eggs and embryos and fetus and baby growing inside of you and then rocking that sweet chiild……picture that…………I do.
Amanda,
I’m sorry you are feeling down, but very glad you posted this. It’s very hard to not feel a little pinch of anguish. Ya know?
You are happy for them, but your heart is breaking at the same time. It’s bittersweet. You can’t help but to think of yourself, but please note that it’s really all about ME. Also know that I admire your strength. And don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel, it’s very tuff.
KIM C
I have struggled with similar feelings and I think it in part stems from my warped belief that there is only so much good luck in the universe and if someone else gets it, that means there’s less of a chance I’ll get it.
I think you are brave to admit your mixed feelings, but also recognize that its not that you want bad things to keep happening to them but that you just want it to be your turn already.
Amanda we ALL have felt that way. I think everybody trying for a child feels some happiness but a whole lot of sadness and frustration when people we know, whether IRL or online, get pregnant. Try not to beat yourself up, it’s only human. This is especially true when people succeed who have not been trying for long, or early in the ART game.
I am glad to see on your most recent post that you are feeling better. I just found the world of IF blogs last weekend – and they saved me from exactly this. Best friend’s pregnant after 9 mos of marriage, meanwhile 1.5 yr since my miscarriage and all I got is an empty uterus. So, I am right there with you. But don’t feel evil about not feeling happy for your friends. Somewhere in your brain you are happy for them. But you know what? Right now, this is so hard, honey, it’s all about you. Take care of yourself and keep posting. I will keep reading.
oh honey you are so not alone in any of your feelings, i know that doesnt help much and sounds pathetic but it’s true… why do we say me me me it’s all about me? because that is the truth for each of us our lives/minds/empty wombs etc etc are everything to us. it’s not we’re not happy for others but being sad for ourselves is just a bloody grieving process we have to go through it will morph one day but ya know what your you beautiful funny smart sad and hurting … it’s you so it is all about you and that’s as it should be.