Two Week Wait Dichotomies July 31, 2005
It’s amazing to me how my feelings during the 2ww can change in an instant. One minute I’ll be feeling one way, and the next second I’ll be feeling the exact opposite. My favorite of the moment are:
I so hope this worked/There’s no fucking way this worked.
I want to know if this worked right now/I never want to find out.
Come on embryos, stick around/I probably already killed the embryos.
Don’t even get me started on how “symptoms” can fuck with my head. I’ve got the standard progesterone side effects going on as usual, but I’ve got a couple different ones happening this time around. One is that I can’t remember a damn thing. I mean, my memory is totally shot.
The examples are endless. I’ll sit down at the computer intent on looking this, that, or the other up, and as soon as I open the browser I will have completely forgotten what I’m looking for. Yesterday, I went to pick up some lunch for my hubby and myself. I was back in the car before I realized that I had forgotten to order one of the things my husband specifically asked for. Today, I cut out a coupon I was going to use during my errand running and set in on the counter. I got to the car and realized it never made it to my purse. The list goes on and on.
The other thing going on that I don’t remember experiencing before is some major soreness in the nipular region. Um, yeah, enough said. I know all of that means absolutely nothing. It’s enough to screw with my head, though.
I’m trying my best to hang in there despite the constant battle going on in my head. I think I’m doing ok. No major breakdowns as of yet, so I consider that pretty good. Less than five days and this torturous wait will be over.
One Week Down, One Week to Go July 29, 2005
I seem to have managed to make it to the halfway point of the two week wait. We all know that the second week is way worse, so judging by how I’ve fared this week, I may be locked in the loony bin by next Friday.
I’m trying to keep busy without overworking myself. We’ve got some distractions planned, so that may help. My brother and his girlfriend are coming into town tomorrow, and we’re going to an Astros game tomorrow night. That’s always fun.
We’ve got law firm stuff to attend two nights next week. Next week is my husband’s last week at the firm before he starts his clerkship, so we’ll be going to a dinner with his fellow associates on Monday night and to a dinner party hosted by one of the partners on Wednesday night. It’s a good thing I already packed all of my “going to a firm event” shoes and clothes. Looks like I’ll be breaking out the scissors.
Plus, there’s all of this packing/moving stuff to do between now and then. It should keep me busy, but I doubt it will really keep my mind off of the really important stuff.
Now for a completely random rant. What is it with people saying, “I just know this is it” or “I just know this cycle is the one?” I don’t get it. How do they know? I don’t know, my doctor doesn’t know, no one else knows, how did they come about this divine knowledge?
I know people are trying to be positive and hopeful and all that good stuff. I know they’re just being nice. I guess those statements just rub me the wrong way.
Do those words come out of people’s mouths (or keyboards) because they look at how your cycle is going and think that it has a good chance of working? Is it because you transferred good quality embryos? Well, I’ve transferred eleven good quality embryos in previous cycles. What would make you think that these three stand any better chance of sticking around? Is it because it “should” finally be your turn? Well, I personally think it should have been my turn a couple of cycles ago. That means nothing to the IVF gods.
I just want to know how they can be so confident. It would be a much safer bet to tell me that they know that this cycle is going to fail just like the others. How can anyone think this is really going to work this time?
Is It That Obvious? July 28, 2005
I went to the post office today, and the first thing the postal worker lady asked me after she asked what she could help me with was “Why are you so nervous?” Then she went on to tell me I needed to take a deep breath.
I stammered some excuse. It’s not like I could really explain the gravity of our current situation. But really, do I need a postal worker to jump in on the “just relax” bandwagon? And did someone who’s going to throw that BS at me even deserve a response?
Yeah, I’m stressed out. Really stressed out. There’s not a damn thing I can do about it, though. Sure I can take some deep breaths or think happy thoughts or whatever, but it’s not going to change a thing.
It’s bad enough that I’m sitting here in the 2ww of what looks to be our final IVF. No, I’ve got this moving crap to add on top of that. Oh, how I hate moving.
I don’t do well with change. Not one bit. Plus, there’s just so much crap to deal with. I’m sure it would be better if I could just chill out a bit, but I don’t see it happening. There’s just too much going on right now.
I’m sure it will feel really nice to have all of this over and done with, though. That is, unless a get a big fat negative beta again. Then I’ll get to deal with trying to get settled into a new home in a new city while dealing with the aftermath of a failed cycle. That sounds like fun.
Man, am I grumpy. Isn’t the 2ww the best?
Feeling Unsettled July 27, 2005
I really don’t understand the universe sometimes. Remember my post about my two friends getting positive betas? It really shook me up to learn their news. What’s shaking me up a million times more is finding out that neither of their pregnancies ended up being viable. I’m mad at the world for them. My heart is hearting for them. The world just doesn’t seem right.
Other things are getting to me, too. My IVF coordinator called me yesterday when she was making her freeze report phone calls. My report didn’t have anything written on it so she was confused. I told her that we transferred everything we had so it made sense that there wasn’t anything to report. She apologized for reminding me that we had nothing left to freeze.
It’s not like I was expecting to have anything in the deep freeze this cycle. I just really didn’t need the reminder that there is no backup plan this time. This is it, but I have no desire to think about it.
I’m just feeling weird. I’m nervous about the outcome of this cycle. I’m nervous about our upcoming move. I just want to not have important things to worry about right now.
Can’t things just work out sometime? If not for me, for my friends? I just don’t get it.
We Have Embryos! July 25, 2005
Three of our four embryos made it, and to say that I am relieved would be an understatement. The fourth was a pathetic one cell, so obviously we didn’t transfer it. Here’s what we did transfer (grade 4 being highest):
9 cell compacting grade 4
9 cell grade 4-
8 cell compacting grade 4-
I was thrilled to have such good embryos after only starting out with four. The transfer itself went pretty well. I had to wait forever and my stomach was burning I was so hungry, but I finally got called back. I got some yummy drugs from my friend the anesthesiologist and all was well with the world.
They had some trouble getting the hard stylet thingy up through my biatch cervix, but once it was in place the catheter containing the embryos went in just fine. There was no blood on the catheter, and I haven’t had any bleeding yet, so that’s a pretty successful transfer for me.
Beta is on the 5th.
One Time When I Don’t Want the Phone to Ring
It seems that in IVF-land, we’re always waiting on one phone call or another. We wait to find out our E2s, we wait for the call to tell us to trigger, we wait for the all important beta call.
Today, though, I do not want my phone to utter a peep. The only reason my clinic would call would be to tell me we have nothing to transfer. So far, it has not rung, so hopefully that’s a good sign.
I woke up at 4:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep. There’s just too much riding on today. All of this will be for naught if we don’t have embryos to transfer.
Two hours and counting now. We’re supposed to show up at 1:00 so we can talk to our RE about the status of our embryos and discuss how many to transfer. If we get that far then transfer will be shortly thereafter.
Please let us have good embryos waiting for us. Pretty please.
And Then There Were Four July 23, 2005
I got the fertilization report call this morning. Out of the seven eggs retrieved, five were mature and four fertilized with ICSI. I am thankful to have four but still very, very nervous.
In the past, I’ve never worried about having something to transfer. Now I am. I even asked the nurse who called me if they would call me on Monday if none of them made it. In the past we’ve had really strong embryos, so I have to hope that these are fighters, too.
Transfer is scheduled for Monday afternoon. If we have something to transfer, I’ll be having my transfer done under anesthesia again. Hopefully my wonky cervix will behave itself.
Until then, I’ll be holding my breath.
ER Report July 22, 2005
I woke up this morning completely paranoid that I had ovulated early. I know the odds of that are slim, but it didn’t matter. You would think that this stuff would get easier the more cycles you do, but I think it gets harder. Five to six eggs were sounding pretty good after I had convinced myself that we could end up with none.
That wasn’t the case, though. We got seven. Would I have loved to have more? Uh, huh, but I guess I’ll just have to take what I can get.
There’s a good chance that they won’t all be mature, and there’s a good chance that not all of the mature ones will fertilize. Starting with seven makes me nervous. I’m just hoping that we’ll have a few to transfer come Monday.
There was a bit of news that lifted my spirits some today, though. I asked my RE to measure my lining again while he was in there, as I was very concerned about the fact that it was measuring on the thin side at 7.5mm on Wednesday. He said he would measure it but that it probably would have compacted because of the increase in progesterone.
After I woke up and found out the number of eggs retrieved I also learned that my lining is now a lovely 10.8mm thick. That definitely made me feel better.
Now, we just have to keep our fingers crossed that we’ll have some embryos to stick back in there on Monday. I should get the fertilization report sometime tomorrow morning. It’s going to be a long 24 hours.
A Title Containing No Expletives July 21, 2005
I have calmed down a little since yesterday’s post. I was so far from calm then. Could ya tell? It’s just really hard to keep getting slammed. I mean, I should know better than to get my hopes up for any of this, but it’s still hard when things take a turn for the worst.
I’m officially triggered now. Boy, did that sucker bleed. It’s done, though. I wish I could say that today was a needle free day, but it wasn’t. I had to go in for some post trigger blood work this morning. My new RE checks E2 the day after trigger to make sure it hasn’t dropped. Apparently that affects exactly when retrieval will take place. Mine has continued to rise from 1201 yesterday to 1362 today, so at least that’s good news.
I did something today that I have been putting off for a long time. I took in all of my sharps containers. I had six. I haven’t been able to get rid of them before now. I figured it would be easier to say goodbye to my piles and piles of needles while I’m feeling down on this IVF stuff.
I know it sounds silly that those sharps containers had such a hold over me, but they did. They represented all that I’ve gone through throughout these five cycles. They were like a badge of courage or something. It’s hard to show how much I’ve sacrificed throughout all of this, but that was a physical representation of what I’ve been through. It was tangible proof.
It’s hard to start letting go. Really hard. I’m not ready. Not even close.
I really can’t go there right now, so I’m going to stop typing now. I just need to take this one day a time, one step at a time. Retrieval is tomorrow at 10:00. I’m hoping to survive that in one piece.
Thank you all for helping me through all of this. I don’t know what I’d do without my friends inside the computer.
Fuck. July 20, 2005
I really wanted to be able to post one of those “Yay, I get to trigger tonight” kind of posts. I should know better than to think that things might go well. My shitty luck always comes back to find me.
My ultrasound this morning did not bring great news. My lining has managed to shrink to 7.5mm. Great. My RE is happy with anything over 7, but I’m not. Sure, it’s a lovely triple stripe, but it’s too thin.
The real kicker is that my right ovary has totally shut down. The follicles on that side really haven’t grown any since Monday. So now I’m essentially working with one fucking ovary. Fantastic. The largest follicle on that side is a measly 12.7, so it looks like I won’t get any mature eggs from that side.
My left side is ready to trigger, though, so I’ll be doing so tonight for a Friday ER. I’ve got a 22.3, 19.0, 18.4, 15.5, 15.3, and 12.6 on the left, so we’re looking at probably 5-6 mature eggs max. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
The whole last shot cycle thing is kicking into high gear now that I know for sure that we won’t have anything to freeze. I’ve been crying all morning.
God, I hope we actually have something to transfer. This shit sucks so badly. I just want it to be over.
Eeeeeew, Gross! July 19, 2005
I got my belly button pierced right after I graduated from high school. That mother fucker hurt like hell, but that’s so not the point of this post. I liked my belly ring, but after we officially decided to start trying to conceive, I decided to take it out. Of course I figured that I’d have a growing belly in a matter of months. Pretty funny now.
Sometime after I took out the ring I developed a totally irrational yet very powerful aversion to having my belly button touched. Don’t ask my why, but I cannot stand to have anyone near my belly button. I can’t even stand to touch it. I know, it’s just another example of how freakish I am.
The holes from my belly ring never closed up all the way. Over the years, the top hole developed a patina. Ok, it wasn’t a patina, it’s just my way of saying it looked kinda gross in there. There was nothing I was willing to do about it though. I know, totally repulsive, but I just couldn’t do it.
This weekend, over 3.5 years after I took my ring out, I finally let my husband have at my gross belly holes. To say it was an anxiety filled experience would be an understatement. There were tweezers involved, people. Tweezers! I was in tears, practically hyperventilating, while my husband played surgeon. This is what he pulled out of my belly button ring hole:
How scary is that? Dirt or whatever had basically congealed in there after all of this time. It’s out now, though. Thank goodness that’s over. I never, ever want to go through that hell again.
Maybe it was a good thing in a way, though. I seem to have let out all of my anxiety while going through the belly button experience, so now there’s none left to plague my IVF cycle. It’s still disgusting, though.
Slowly But Surely July 18, 2005
This morning’s appointment brought more good news on the lining front. It’s up to 8.9mm now. To say I’m happy about this would be an understatement.
Things in follicle land are moving along, but they’re doing so very slowly. That seems to be the theme this cycle. I have 8 follicles measuring greater than 10mm, with the largest being 15.7, and 9 more measuring less than 10. My E2 came back at 744, so it’s slowly making its way up there, too. I go back on Wednesday for another check.
I think the folks over at Freedom Drug are getting to know me pretty well. I keep calling them every couple of days to order more meds. I just got off the phone from doing so again. This crap is adding up. A slow stim is fine, but when it costs almost $250 for each additional day, I’m sure my checkbook would just assume things get moving.
So, retrieval will be Friday at the earliest. I think Saturday is much more likely, though. Until then I’m just going to hope that things continue to move forward. Even if they do so at their own pace.
Living In Denial-land July 17, 2005
I have yet to post the predictable “What the fuck are we going to do about Plan B?” post this cycle. The reason why? I am in total and complete denial.
I am choosing not to focus on the fact that this is our last shot. I just can’t deal with that right now, so I’m not. It’s just too much to handle.
I actually think I know what’s going to happen if this cycle doesn’t work, and it scares me a ton. My husband will be ready to call it quits and I won’t be. Obviously, I can’t tell the future, but it’s a pretty good bet.
I know we wouldn’t be doing this third fresh cycle if I wasn’t so adamant about doing it. I know he agreed for me. I think that he thinks I’ll resent him if he said no more. It goes back to the whole male factor thing for sure.
This weekend my husband asked me if I was going to leave him. I don’t think he really thinks I would, but he asked nonetheless. I think he wonders what would happen if he said we were done.
We are, and always have been, a team in this crap. That will never change. No matter the result of this cycle, we will find what comes next together.
The thing is, though, that I cannot make it through this cycle with the fact that this is our last one in the forefront of my mind. It can linger in the background if it chooses, but I cannot let it permeate my brain. The thought of going through hell and back time and time again and having to walk away with nothing to show for it is not something I can deal with right now.
I may very well be flattened come beta day, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up. I’ve done it before, but this is different. But, in order for me to make it through round five I need to not focus on that. I just need to take this one day at a time and hope that for once in our lives we catch a fucking break.
Go Lining Go! July 15, 2005
Last night I started getting a tad worried about my thin lining situation. Ok, more than a tad. My lining has always been a stubborn little thing, and it did nothing to help its reputation when it measured a crappy 1.2mm after 4 days of stims.
So, when I went in today for more monitoring I was beyond pleased to see that my lining is now measuring 5.3mm. Oh, yeah. I’ll definitely take a 4mm growth over two days. It’s obviously still not as thick as it needs to be, but it looks like it will have plenty of time to grow.
I am stimming very slowly this cycle. I’ve never been one to blow through stims, but this cycle is slooooooow. Today, after 6 days of stims, my largest follicle measured 14. Almost all of my other 14 follicles measured under 10. My E2 came back at 262 today. It’s going in the right direction, but it’s taking its sweet time doing so. I’ve been assured this is ok, and that it just means that it’s going to take me longer to stim this cycle.
I’m feeling good both physically and emotionally today. The rise in my E2 is definitely helping out with the horrible side effects. It’s nice not to feel like total crap. I’m trying my best to chill as much as possible this cycle. It’s not always easy, especially for a champion obsessor like me, but I’m trying.
I better enjoy this feel good period while it lasts. I’m sure something will come up sooner or later that will send me into a tailspin. Until then, though, I’m just going to savor the fact that I’m not stressing the fuck out.
Can I Just Take the Good News? July 13, 2005
My monitoring appointment this morning brought both good and bad news. Isn’t that always the case? After 4 days of stims, I’ve got 14 follicles cooking in there. That’s pretty good for me. Last cycle I only had 9 at my first ultrasound appointment. The largest one measured 9.8, but there are a bunch of small ones in there as well.
The sucky news from today is that my lining measured a teeny tiny 1.2mm. Yep, it has shrunk since baseline. Not good. It’s no real surprise, though. I’ve been bleeding since I started stims. Add the the low E2 situation to the mix, and my lining didn’t stand a chance today.
My E2 was up to 117 this morning. I was told that was a good rise from 40. Hopefully it will continue to go up, up, up, and my lining will follow suite. I’ve stopped spotting now, too, so that can only help things out.
I’m trying really hard not to go into freak out mode. I think I’m doing ok. One of my goals this cycle was to not play RE. I honestly trust my new clinic, something I couldn’t say about my previous one, and I’m trying to just do what my RE tells me to do.
So, I’m on 225 Gonal-F and 150 Repronex today and then I’ll flip flop again to 150 Gonal-F and 225 Repronex tomorrow. My next encounter with the dildocam and vampire is Friday morning.
Off to a Slow Start July 11, 2005
It’s so weird how one cycle can be so different from another and how something you’ve never had to worry about before is the thing that you can’t stop dwelling on this time.
My E2 was a whopping 6 at baseline. This morning, after two full days of stims, it was 40. It’s just so strange for me to be sitting here worrying about a low E2. I mean, my E2 was a freaking 4452 at trigger for my first cycle. Nothing is predictable in the IVF world, though, and there’s always something to worry about.
Plus, as an added bonus in the worrying department, I’m bleeding. I was totally done with my post BCP period when I started stims. Once I started shooting that lovely Gonal-F and Repronex into my flesh, my body decided to start bleeding once again. Of course this has me a tad worried about my lining. I have to keep reminding myself, though, that I bled at the beginning of stims my first cycle and ended up with my best lining ever.
There’s nothing I can do about any of this crap other than follow the plan. I’m to do my regular doses of meds today and then flip flop them to 150 Gonal-F and 225 Repronex for tomorrow. I go back on Wednesday for an ultrasound and another E2 check. I’m sure they won’t see much on the ultrasound at the rate I’m going. My E2 better get itself in gear, though. Visions of oversuppression are not something I want dancing through my head any longer.
Voices From the Past July 10, 2005
This weekend has been a big clean up and clean out type weekend in our household. The move will be here before we know it, so we’ve been trying to get as much done as possible now.
Yesterday my husband and I were going through some memento type stuff, and I found a letter he had written me shortly before we were married. In it he had written a bunch of stuff about how he wanted to have kids together so much and how he couldn’t wait for us to be able to start trying to conceive.
I sat there with tears dripping down my face as I read it. There was nothing I could do to get them to stop. The excitement and innocence of the words in that letter just hit me so hard. I had long forgotten what it felt like back in the early days when we thought it would just happen when we were ready. Here we are 7+ years later and look at us. It just broke my heart.
My husband looked over at me and asked what was wrong. I just handed him the letter. He read it and then I crawled into his arms. I haven’t needed a hug that badly in a long time.
All Systems Go July 7, 2005
I had my baseline ultrasound and blood work done this morning. My lining measured a nice thin 3.1mm, and my ovaries were all nice and clear. I even had 15 antral follicles hanging out in there, so that was nice to see.
My E2 came back at a whopping 6, so there’s no question that I’m suppressed. Of course, I immediately started worrying about oversuppression, but my IVF coordinator assured me that it was totally fine. I wish I could say that her confidence in the matter blew my worries out the door, but an IVF cycle wouldn’t be complete without me freaking out about the details.
So, I got the green light to start stims Saturday morning. Hopefully a few injections of Gonal-F and Repronex will get that E2 hopping a little. We shall see. I go back for my first E2 check on Monday.
On another note, I think I’ve formulated a semi plan with regards to the in-law/beta situation. We’ll start by not telling anyone our exact beta date. That’s how we’ve done it in previous cycles, and it’s worked fine. Obviously our families will know the general time frame since they’ll know when ER and ET will be, but we’ll keep the exact date to ourselves.
Obviously, I’ll be breaking out the HPTs again this cycle. Those suckers are just plain addictive, plus I’m just not one to wait for the phone call. This should give us some idea of what news beta day may bring. Of course, I know full well that this part of the plan is not seamless. I’ve been tortured by the “is that really a line?” thing during my cycle that ended in a chemical. Most of the time, though, those evil sticks give a pretty good heads up.
Then if things go the way they usually do, I’ll be able to say, “Hey in-laws, I need this day (or days) to myself.” I know they’ll understand that. I don’t think they’d have a problem doing stuff without us for a couple of days. They’re not staying with us, so it’s not like we absolutely have to see them every day they’re here.
If, by some miracle, we actually get good news come beta day then obviously the need to lock myself in the bathroom will have gone by the wayside. We’ll be able to do stuff with them as planned. Plus, by not telling them the actual beta date, we won’t have to spill the beans right then.
Obviously this isn’t the most optimal situation, but you’re never going to have everything go exactly the way you want it to during an IVF cycle. It’s just freaking impossible. So, we’ll attempt to make the best of the situation. If all else fails, I’ll just lock the doors, turn off the phone, drug myself heavily, and turn to my friends inside the computer to get me through it all one more time.
What Great Timing July 5, 2005
I know I said I didn’t want to complain anymore, but I’ve got a doozy that I just can’t contain. My in-laws have been planning to fly out here in August for vacation and to help us with our move. They were also considering coming out here for July 4th but decided against it, so they’re going to be staying longer during their August trip.
Now, I should clarify that I have no problem with my in-laws coming to visit. We get along fine, and we don’t get to see them very often due to the fact that they live across the country. I’m all for them coming out here, but…
We found out this weekend that they’re most likely coming August 2nd through the 11th. When will beta probably end up being? Probably sometime between August 3rd and 6th. Oh, yeah. You see the problem.
I’m really not looking forward to the prospect of getting the negative beta call while my in-laws are in town. What the hell would I do then? Drug myself with a handful of Vicodin and lock myself in the bathroom? Fuck. That’s going to be fun.
Oh sure, it could go the other way, and things wouldn’t be as traumatic. Excuse me while I go laugh my ass off at the thought of an actual happy ending. But yeah, the odds of that happening are slim to none.
I have no clue how I’m going to handle this. Our families have known about this IVF stuff from day one and have been really supportive. However, we’ve always had time to ourselves to recover after the wrath of beta day. The thought of not having that scares me.
I know they’ll understand if I ask for time alone or whatever, but it’s still not going to be a good situation. Oh, man. This is going to be interesting.
I Really Don’t Want to Complain Anymore July 4, 2005
I really don’t want to bitch and moan about the fact that my meds are kicking my ass. I don’t want to dwell on the fact that the Lupron has turned me into a mushy brained zombie with headaches and hot flashes or that the Dexamethasone is giving me major insomnia so that I wake up every morning between 4 and 5:30 and cannot go back to sleep.
I don’t want to complain about how I burned the crap out of my finger yesterday by accidentally using a wet oven mitt to take a pan out of the toaster oven. Nor do I want to look back and think about how I had to keep ice on my finger all freaking day long yesterday, because I couldn’t stand the pain.
I don’t want to whine about how when my husband and I made the trip over to Louisiana on Saturday to attend a 55th anniversary dinner for my grandparents that was hosted by my parents, we got bombarded by the surprise attendance of my teenage cousin and her newborn “oops” baby. Nor do I want to focus on the fact that we had to leave early, because I just couldn’t take it anymore.
So, I’m trying to come up with something to be happy about. Let’s see. My period started yesterday. That’s not something to sing from the rooftops about, but at least things are on schedule so far.
One thing I’m actually happy about is that I’m getting to spend some time with my hubby this weekend. He just works so damn much that I usually don’t get to spend a ton of time with him. He had to work yesterday and has to work some more today, but at least he’s working at home. Spending time with him helps me get through it all of that other crap, and I’m so damn thankful for that.