Living In Denial-land July 17, 2005
I have yet to post the predictable “What the fuck are we going to do about Plan B?” post this cycle. The reason why? I am in total and complete denial.
I am choosing not to focus on the fact that this is our last shot. I just can’t deal with that right now, so I’m not. It’s just too much to handle.
I actually think I know what’s going to happen if this cycle doesn’t work, and it scares me a ton. My husband will be ready to call it quits and I won’t be. Obviously, I can’t tell the future, but it’s a pretty good bet.
I know we wouldn’t be doing this third fresh cycle if I wasn’t so adamant about doing it. I know he agreed for me. I think that he thinks I’ll resent him if he said no more. It goes back to the whole male factor thing for sure.
This weekend my husband asked me if I was going to leave him. I don’t think he really thinks I would, but he asked nonetheless. I think he wonders what would happen if he said we were done.
We are, and always have been, a team in this crap. That will never change. No matter the result of this cycle, we will find what comes next together.
The thing is, though, that I cannot make it through this cycle with the fact that this is our last one in the forefront of my mind. It can linger in the background if it chooses, but I cannot let it permeate my brain. The thought of going through hell and back time and time again and having to walk away with nothing to show for it is not something I can deal with right now.
I may very well be flattened come beta day, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back up. I’ve done it before, but this is different. But, in order for me to make it through round five I need to not focus on that. I just need to take this one day at a time and hope that for once in our lives we catch a fucking break.
- Posted in : IVF Part 5: IVF #3
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I really hope you catch a break. I identified with everything you said. I am scared as well because there’s a strong possibility that we’ve got male factor involved. We just have to wait and see the gynae.
In my dark moments I think about leaving my husband. I am quite selfish like that. He would never leave me.
I know and understand your agony. I’m so sorry. All this IF shit is such a burden on a relationship and your psyche. I don’t know if their are words to express how beat up you can feel negative after negative, right?
You’re gonna be okay. No matter the outcome of the beta. I promise.
Just writing to send you some love. These are such sad thoughts. Hang in there, sweetie.
This stuff is so so hard. You will get through it and there is life after beta day, no matter what happens.
I hope this is it for you too. I’ve got everything crossed over here that this is going to work.
Good news about your lining. Glad it decided to start to grow.
Somehow, not knowing what’s next makes the thought of a negative beta ten times more terrifying. The fact that you’ve done this before doesn’t make it any easier, I’d bet.
My thoughts are with you, and I’m hoping you don’t have to worry about it.