I’m Not Ready August 19, 2005
My ultrasound was supposed to be today. The truth is that I’m mostly glad that it’s not. My husband’s new insurance doesn’t kick in until Monday, so that’s when I rescheduled it to. We’ve done the out of pocket thing plenty, so I figure it’s worth a weekend wait to finally get something paid for.
I’m just not ready for it. I doubt I’ll be ready on Monday either. Can you really ever be ready for that? I just don’t want it to be over, and there’s a chance that it will be. Obviously if it is, then it already is, but it’s the ability to believe that it might not be that I’m liking right now. I don’t want reality to come back and kick me in the ass once again.
I don’t have any reason to believe that the ultrasound will bring bad news, but I don’t have any reason to believe that it won’t. Ack. I’m rambling, but I can’t help it. I’m scared.
I wonder if this weekend will go by quickly or slowly. For once, I’m not dying for time to fly by. I mean, I am, but I’m not. Can you tell I’m conflicted? I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing. All I know is that I don’t want it to be over.
- Posted in : IVF Part 5: IVF #3
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Good luck on Monday!
Well, it’s not the same, but I felt the same way this last cycle. I was dying for the time to go by to test (praying it would be 2 weeks like it should), and then not wanting to know. And, as usual, at 7 days I knew irrefutably that I wasn’t.
More proof of that whole LPD problem, so this cycle will be filled with drugs that will *hopefully* give me a better chance. Hard to know that you’ll be waiting longer to know and yet not wanting to know is this worked.
Big hugs, I’ll be thinking of you this weekend.
Hope you can do something distracting over the weekend (besides unpack). I know how nervewracking it is waiting for every ultrasound. Hang in there. You’re doing great.
I know exactly where you are at. I was there myself a couple months ago. I will be thinking of you Monday.
Have a great weekend.
May I interest you in an online Bejeweled tournament? Perhaps some macrame? I know–getting through this weekend is going to be rough. Keeping fingers crossed for good news, sweetie.
I hope the weekend will not feel too long. Good luck on Monday! I’ll be thinking of you!
Whoops, that was me, didn’t mean to post anon!
I hope that the weekend isn’t spent agonizing. I’ll be praying for a beautiful u/s on Monday!
I understand…OB sonograms are scary scary things, no matter what. Especially the first. I hope you’re good luck streak continues.
Oh, I wish I lived close to you so I could take you out to lunch and go shopping or something to help you tick the time away.
I am sure that you are scared and I think it is normal for you to have BUT (bad ultrasound thoughts)………..you are so used to getting upsetting news, it is hard to believe that this is really happening.
It seems it is finally your time Amanda. You are doing great. I am very proud of you.
Hang in there.
Sweetie…I can’t but believe that it will be okay. I am here waiting with you and for you. My fingers are crossed.
Well, one thing about time is that, quickly or slowly, it does pass. Hang in there, Amanda. I’m rooting for you.
I hope the weekend goes quickly and I hope its good news on Monday. Post as soon as you can- we’re waiting breathlessly out here in the Internets.
I know honey - that first one is torture and the I want to know, but don’t - I get it and I’m sorry you’re having to go through it. Distractions my friend, distractions.
Hoping and praying for a gorgeous first ultrasound next week. But, like you said, there’s no reason in the world to expect anything other than that. Hang in there!
Sadly…. that feeling never goes away. I STILL cringe and break out into hives when I’m a couple days away from an ultrasound. And I’m sure it’ll last until the babies are born. It’s something that most IVFers go thru once they get those two precious lines.
I’m here for ya if you want to chat it up or something to pass the time.
Brenda
I felt like I was gouing to throw up all day when we had our first ultrasound. I was desperate to know, and I didnt want to know at the same time. Stupid brain.
You have to keep yourself distracted. Even if it means a movie marathon at the cinema all weekend, or whatever. Keep busy.
Cant wait for Monday.
Hhhhm an extra 2.5 hrs of sleep? I’m betting the u/s is good news. Good luck - we are all rooting for you!
Good luck Amanda. I understand what torture you must be going through. i’ve got fingers crossed too xxx
I have no horrible advice to dispense, having never been in your situation. I hope the weekend finds you suitably distracted and that Monday yields good news.
Amanda - no doubt you are scared and conflicted - if anyone knows how you are feeling right now, I do, since I was in your exact position this past April. The IVF that finally gave us a positive beta was also our very last one ever, so in those beginning weeks every single test / ultrasound etc brought more anxiety than excitement. Because we still knew that so much could go wrong.
The one thing that got me through my 1st trimester was that I had to remind myself that, although I obviously had a history of being infertile, I didn’t have a history of pregnancies-gone-wrong. In other words, just because it took the impossible to get me pregnant didn’t mean I would automatically have trouble once I WAS pregnant, and luckily so far that has remained true, as my pregnancy has been completely normal and uneventful to this point (aside from the car accident, but that had nothing to do with how the pregnancy was or was not going to progress on its own).
I guess you are right - you have no way of knowing what will happen tomorrow, and I wish you the very best of luck. But please try to keep what I said in mind, because you ALSO don’t want to spend these potentially precious moments assuming the worst. As hard as it is, try not to assume the worst at ALL times, and if you get a good ultrasound tomorrow, please try to ENJOY it and take it as one more important milestone behind you. Assuming you have a normal pregnancy, you don’t want to look back and realize you spent the entire time expecting it to go badly and realize you didn’t appreciate all the little moments along the way. But I do understand how you feel, 100%, because like I said we were there too only a mere few months ago.
Best of luck, please keep us posted on how it goes!
I hope all goes well for you tomorrow. I’ll be refreshing for updates.LOL…….
Best of luck to you!