I’m Not Liking Reality August 24, 2005
Thank you all so much. I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through yesterday without all of you, my blogland friends.
I woke up this morning and for a split second thought that yesterday could have just been a bad dream. Then reality hit, and it hit hard.
I honestly don’t understand why this stuff has to be so hard. When we started down the IVF path, I really thought that if we could just get that illusive positive beta that things would work out. That theory got blown out of the water after my chemical on our second fresh cycle. Then I thought that if I could just get past the doubling beta stage that we’d be ok. Um, not so much.
As much as I’ve been scared to utter the “p-word” (still haven’t, by the way, and I’m not to about to start now) thinking about having to use the “m-word” terrifies me a bigillion times more. I know there hasn’t been a final word on our current situation, but that’s a definite possibility. I don’t know how I’ll survive that.
Last night I went to the grocery store for an ice cream run (yesterday was definitely an ice cream worthy day) and I couldn’t help but notice all of the families. I just stared at a mom shopping with her two daughters and thought over and over again about how I very well may never have that. My heart just breaks thinking about that.
I want this to work so much. The phrase “please don’t let this be over” keeps playing in my head like a broken record.
I know the reality, though. It makes no difference to me that the ultrasound tech kept telling me that she sees this all of the time with IVF patients and that I really shouldn’t worry about it. I’ve done the research (boy, have I done the research) and I know what we’re dealing with. I guess there’s a chance of a happy ending, but when have we ever fallen into the lucky side of the odds before?
I’m really scared. I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, but even that is hard. I wish someone could just knock me out until next Tuesday, because this is torture.
- Posted in : IVF Part 5: IVF #3
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Thinking of you, waiting with you, and still hoping and praying for the best. I wish there was something more I could do.
Oh Amanda… I wish I could think of something brilliant and soothing to say. This is so damn hard and unfair and just plain wrong. I’m hoping, hoping, hoping that you get good news next wk. No matter what happens, we’re all here for you.
Thinking of you. Childmention!!
My first u/s with my oldest was like yours. After 2 years and a m/c already I was in tears. But the next week, we had a heartbeat!!!! That heartbeat turned 3 last month
Miracles can happen. I will offer you the best wishes I can offer….
Hoping like hell that the days until Tuesday fly by and that the u/s shows a healthy, growing embryo. Be good to you until then–ice cream and all! Sending you a hug :-)
It’s so hard to wait through this, I’ve been there too. I hope this time you’re going to get lucky. For now, just keep breathing in and breathing out, it’s all you can do. Big hugs to you.
Waiting sucks, there is no way around it. I’m just so sorry you are going through this.
I’ll be saying it with you. Please don’t let this be over, please don’t let this be over!
Man I know the feeling of saying a prayer with every breathe you take. I’m thinking of you hon.
What you’re going through must be terrifying….soul-numbingly terrifying. I’m thinking of you constantly.
You’re being very brave. We’ll be here to wait with you. Pass the ice cream.
no amount of my wishing will give me the words to make this any easier for you lovely but know you are not alone, theres a whole gaggle of us praying and chanting along with you. techs say don’t worry because, it’s easy to say its a whole other ball game to do it. ice cream it up sweetling and do whatever you can to make it thru to the next scan semi sane, …. please don’t let this be over… please don’t let this be over…
Amanda, just to say I am thinking of you. I know the waiting must be a complete nightmare, and my heart goes out to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help get you through this time.
Wishing you lots of strength during these nightmarish days of waiting. Here’s hoping you manage to distract yourself for at least a few minutes at a time — maybe with a bunch of movies this weekend? And I fervently hope that come Tuesday, you’ll find yourself permanently on the good side of the Odds Divide. You belong there.
Amanda,
I imagine it is extreme torture. Hoping all turns out great Tuesday and praying like hell for you.
Amanda, I hope next Tuesday comes quickly and that there’s enough ice cream to sustain the time in between. I am thinking of you with all of my bits crossed.
Oh, shit shit shit. I so hope for happy news, Amanda. Thinking of you lots and lots.
I agree sweetie — this is torture and you don’t deserve it. Much love.
Thinking of you.
Oh Amanda I can’t believe this has come up. Please let Tuesday bring good news. You must be so strong right now and it isn’t fair … hoping you catch that break.
Oh I am so sorry Amanda.
I’m wishing and hoping so much for you.
I suggest more ice cream. I doubt it will help much, but it’s worth a shot.
You know what really sucks, you can’t even have a drink to forget about this since if you DID catch a break you’d feel guilty. How rotten is that?
I wish I had something wonderful to say to make it better, but I don’t. So, I’ll wish you the best and tell you I’ve got everything crosssed for you.