At an Impasse No Longer September 29, 2005
All of this hurricane stuff has taken the focus off of our infertility crap a bit. I haven’t been thinking about it as much (oh, I’m still thinking about it, just not 24/7) and I don’t think I’ve been talking about it as much. I’ve even been keeping some important happenings on the down low.
A couple of days before Rita hit, my husband and I had a conversation in which he revealed that he was no longer thinking in the “I’m done” mindset. He told me that he wasn’t sure what road he thought we should take from here on out, but that he wasn’t giving up.
Giving him time to deal with all of this shit was just what he needed. He told me that just because we deal with things differently, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t on the same page. It was hard to see that while we were in the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage, but it’s true. We both still want to have a child. We are both definitely on that same page.
We haven’t made any definite decisions about doing another IVF cycle, but the lines of communication are wide open. Even though we have been through so much shit and faced disappointment after disappointment, there are still possibilities worth exploring. We are not done fighting. Maybe we’re determined, maybe we’re just hard headed, but we are not going to let this infertility crap win.
You Think I’d Be Better in the Patience Department by Now September 27, 2005
I had yet another beta today, and it’s still freaking positive. 16, to be exact. I really thought it be all the way down by now, but I guess not. Fuckity fuck. That means I have to go back again next week. You know I’m looking forward to that. This miscarriage stuff is just dragging on for far too long. It’s frustrating to not be able to close the book on this cycle yet.
My parents were able to find out a little more about their house. Apparently they have damage to their carport in addition to the other stuff. It looks like it’s going to be a while before they can see it with their own eyes, though. They have not announced yet when the parish will be reopened, and it’s looking like it could be up to a month before power is restored in Lake Charles. I don’t think it will be that long before they let people return home, but it’s going to be quite a while.
We’re seeing the affects of Rita here even though it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was in the parishes to the west of us. I met my husband for lunch today and noticed (how could you not notice?) that a humongous tree had fallen on the house across the street from the courthouse. The entire front of the house was smashed. Also, on the way to and from my beta appointment this morning I saw big convoys of national guard troops and equipment in the middle of town.
I so wish there was something I could do right now. I sent my family a care package with toys for the boys and a gift card for my parents, but that is so not enough. I know I’ll be able to help more once we can get into Lake Charles, but who knows how long that will be.
I’m a tad on the stressed side right now. I guess that’s to be expected. I can literally feel the tension in my shoulders. You know, I bet I could convince my hubby to give me a massage tonight. That’s got to help.
Views from Rita September 25, 2005
Here are a few of the first pictures coming out of Lake Charles, my hometown and my parent’s current home.
Lake Charles (the actual lake) overflowing. You are usually able to walk down stairs that are beyond that fence to get down to a walkway along the lake. It is so high now that all of that is underwater.
A view that demonstrates what many of the area roads now look like.
More down power lines.
The McDonald’s across from the local university located not far from my parent’s home.
Another picture of the flooded lake with the I10 bridge in the background.
A building in downtown Lake Charles.
Harrah’s casino located right on the lake.
A home in Lake Charles.
A flooded boat house.
It’s not pretty. We’re still not sure when people will be allowed back in. It may be 3 weeks before power is restored.
Lafayette fared really well in comparison. There are some trees down, a lot of leaves and branches down, some signs blown out, and stuff like that. The restaurant right in front of our apartment complex has it’s big sign blow out. Nothing like what SW Louisiana looks like, though.
I’m watching video just taken of Cameron, the parish to the south of where my parent’s live, and it’s just devastated. Cameron parish is right on the coast and is where Rita came ashore. It’s so bad.
I know I blogged about Katrina a lot, but Rita is even closer to home. It really is hard watching this stuff and seeing these pictures. It’s almost surreal.
First two pictures taken from: www.kplctv.com
All other pictures from: www.theadvertiser.com
The Aftermath of Rita September 24, 2005
What a crazy 24 hours. Where do I begin? I guess I should start with the fact that we’re safe and all of my family is safe. That’s the most important thing.
Rita shifted to the east before making landfall, so we were affected more here in Lafayette than we expected. We got some major wind and rain overnight. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but it all turned out to be ok here. We lost power overnight, but it was restored around 10:30 this morning. Our cable was also out, and we got that back around 6:30pm. I’m so glad that we’re able to get information now.
There really isn’t too much damage in our immediate area. Screens were blown off windows and things like that. We did get a lot of water here, though, and some of the streets are flooded.
I was terrified about how my parent’s city fared. It took a direct hit from the eye wall. I was so scared that they would have nothing to go home to.
Once we got cable back, I was able to tune into the Lake Charles TV station and watch their coverage. The meteorologists had gone out around town and filmed for about an hour. I was able to call my mom and talk her through how everything looked while I watched.
It’s not pretty, but it’s better than I expected. I was so scared that there would be nothing but foundations left. That’s not the case. There are a lot, I mean a lot, of trees down. There is also a lot of flooding. Several of the streets are impassible. Many power lines are down. Shingles have been blown off roofs. The lake (Lake Charles has a big lake, as the name would imply) is higher than it’s ever been and is spilling over the seawall, although it’s not as bad as to flood downtown as they had feared. It could have all been much worse.
I got a call from my mom a little while ago. She was calling to let me know that my uncle had managed to make it into the city and had driven by all of my family member’s houses. My grandparent’s house is ok. My parent’s house fared a little worse. One of the big windows in my their bedroom has been blown out, so the rain is getting in there. Also, a big tree in their backyard fell on one of their storage sheds. The roads are flooded, but it doesn’t look like the water has gotten up into the houses.
I can’t tell you how much better I feel to know that my parent’s will have something to go home to. That’s the house we grew up in, and I couldn’t imagine it not being there. I was literally sick to my stomach this morning thinking about it, but I’m breathing a little easier now.
Obviously there’s going to have to be some clean up done. My plan is to go over and help my dad with it whenever he goes back to do so. We’ll just have to wait and see when that will be.
I imagine that we’ll be talking about this one for a while. I’m just so thankful that all of my loved ones are ok and that they will all have homes to return to. So very thankful.
More Hurricane Fun September 23, 2005
I’m sure people are going to get tired of reading this hurricane mumbo jumbo, but I need to blog about it anyway. I realize it’s not as much fun as an IVF cycle, but this is what’s at the center of my world right now.
We are still at home, and it looks like we’ll be able to stay here. It’s too late to evacuate at this point, so our only other option would be to head to the courthouse. I don’t think we’ll have to do that, though.
The rain and wind is really starting up here now. We still have about 12 hours before Rita makes landfall, so it’s going to get much, much worse. Obviously we still have power, but I don’t know how long that will last.
I was able to talk to my mom again this morning, and they’re settling in ok. All of my family is out of harms way, so that makes me feel better.
I guess what I’m worried about most right now is the wind and the possibility of tornadoes. We’re definitely going to get a shitload of water, too, but thankfully we’re on the second floor. Right now conditions are similar to a significant windy rainstorm, but it’s going to pick up a bunch as these squall lines push through. The wind gusts are already kind of scary, so I can only imagine what tonight might bring.
It’s going to be not so nice here, but we really are going to get off lucky. Calcasieu parish (where my parent’s live) and Cameron parish (which is the parish to the south of Calcasieu that borders the Gulf) are going to get hit very hard. The counties in southeast Texas are going to get it so badly, too. They’re talking about a 15-20 foot storm surge and sustained hurricane strength winds for a minimum of 6 hours. I feel so badly for the people who didn’t heed the mandatory evacuations and for the people who have to stay there for work. I just hope it’s not going to be as bad as they expect. I fear that it will be, though.
Hopefully our power will stay on long enough for me to update later on tonight. Until then I’ll be sitting here with my fingers and toes crossed.
Oh, Rita- Updated September 22, 2005
My parents made it out of town earlier today, and I’m glad to report that my grandparents went with them. They were able to take all of their cats, too, although a couple of them are making the trip in laundry hampers. They didn’t have enough cat carriers for them all at once, so they made do. It’s definitely better than leaving them behind, something my mother would never think of doing.
Our parish is now under a voluntary evacuation order. My husband thinks we should stay, though. If the current forecast holds true, we should be ok. However we all know that these hurricanes are crazy things. I’m scared. Very.
I’ll be checking the forecasts that come out every three hours without a doubt. If that means waking up at 1am, so be it. If there’s any indication that this sucker is moving any further to the east, we will be heading out of town to head north in the middle of the night. My brother and sister in law live in the northern part of the state, and we can stay with them.
We also have the option of going to the courthouse where my husband works and staying there. It’s a new building that’s strong as a rock, so it should fare well. It looks like our city should be ok, but I’m still nervous. It doesn’t look like my parent’s hometown is going to fare nearly as well.
Now, on a lighter note, I wanted to pass along something that shows how small our world really is. I’ve been sitting here watching the news all day long. Tonight I’ve had it on the station that airs from my parent’s city which is about an hour west of here.
They’ve been reading emails on air that have come in from across the country and even the world. Guess who’s email was read on air? Brenda’s! I was like, “I know her!” I knew of Brenda’s connections down here, but it still took me by total surprise when they read her name on air. Cool, huh?
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I finally got through to my mom last night around 11:00. The phone lines around here are insane. At that point they had made it to Shreveport which is in the northern part of the state. It took them about 9.5 hours to make it that far. I got an email from her this morning at 4:00 saying that they had made it to Ft. Worth. I’m so glad they made it. From what I could gather from our conversation last night, it was a really rough trip.
We’re still at home. I’ve been up the majority of the night keeping on eye on the forecast. It didn’t move any more to the east, so we’re staying put. I have no doubt that it’s still going to suck here, though. Things will start picking up a little later today, and I’m sure we’ll lose power at some point. We’re expecting 70+mph winds and 10-15 inches of rain. Oh, that’s going to be fun.
Not Another One (Now With Update)
It looks like another biatch hurricane is going to hit the Gulf coast, and it looks like we’ll be on the edge of this one, too. I guess we’re actually still in the “cone of uncertainty” for this one. Those weather people love that term. They use it all the time. Right now it looks like it will hit just on the east side of Houston, though.
I really don’t know how we ended up being about halfway between where Katrina hit and where it looks like Rita will hit. We live 135 miles west of New Orleans, and 215 miles east of Houston. It looks like we moved out of Houston just in time.
I’m nervous for my old hometown and the people who live there. The only family we have in Houston is my brother in law, and he has already evacuated to Baton Rouge, thank goodness. I know some of our friends have gotten out, but I’m not sure about others.
I’m scared about what might happen to the city. Houston floods really badly. A lot of it flooded from Tropical Storm Allison in 2001. I can only imagine what a category five hurricane might do.
Another concern at the top of my list is the safety of our sperm. I know that sounds weird, but I really am worried. We have three vials of sperm left from my husband’s surgery being stored at my RE’s office in Houston. It’s not like that is replaceable, since I’m not about to ask my husband to go through all of that again.
I’m assuming that our RE’s office has a good backup power system in place. It’s scary to think of what might happen in a prolonged power outage situation, though. I saw someone posting on IVFConnections wondering about her frozen embryos that were stored in New Orleans. Can you imagine losing those?
I know it’s not something I should be really worried about, but I can’t help it. I know that our RE’s office is top notch, so it’s not like they wouldn’t take the proper precautions. It’s just that the thought of losing that sperm is just too much to handle. (Oh, yes. I’m sure this says a lot about where I am in terms of dealing with what comes next.) Anyway, I’ll just be keeping my fingers crossed over here and keeping a watchful eye on Rita.
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I’m so nervous. My parent’s parish has just been put under a mandatory evacuation. The path of Rita has shifted to the east, and they live in SW Louisiana. They’re packing up everything right now and will be heading to Fort Worth, TX today. They’re trying to get my grandparents to come with them, but my grandparents are fighting it. My mom’s not supposed to drive more than 30 minutes at a time because she just had surgery, but they have to take both cars, because they’ll be taking along the two youngins and their five cats (and hopefully my grandparents). I can’t imagine my parent’s losing their house, the house we all grew up in. So scary. I’m glad they’re getting out of town, though. We only live an hour east of them, so if Rita shifts any more to the east, we’ll have to leave, too.
PITA Beta September 20, 2005
Post miscarriage betas are pretty much torturous on their own, but today’s was even more so. My blood draw totally sucked. After much poking and prodding by the phlebotomist on the vein in my left arm accompanied by a few choice words by me, she declared it non compliant. It didn’t want to give up a single drop. I guess that vein is so used and abused that it has decided to retire. Thankfully my right arm cooperated.
This afternoon I called the RE’s office here to get the results. I was told that I couldn’t have them. They said that they had faxed them to my RE in Houston and that I had to call them. So I did, only my RE in Houston hadn’t received the fax. I then called the RE here back to request that they fax it again. Ugh. Such a pain in the ass. I mean, it’s my info. Shouldn’t it be a tad bit easier for me to get it?
I finally got my results, though. Today’s magic number was 73. That’s much better than last Tuesday’s 594. I have to go back in another week to see if it’s fallen all the way down. It better be getting close, because I’m running out of arms.
At an Impasse September 18, 2005
There are two words that I never wanted to hear uttered from my husband’s mouth. This morning I heard them. “I’m done,” he said, and he truly meant it. He didn’t just mean with IVF. He meant with everything. No more cycles, no adoption, no nothing.
How, as someone who knows without a doubt that they want children, do you deal with that? I know in my heart that I was meant to be a mother. That yearning for a child just cannot be turned off. I want it so very badly.
My husband, like many men, has been keeping stuff bottled up inside. This morning, it all came out. He’s hurting. We’re both hurting. We’re just dealing with it in very different ways.
This morning was tough. How can that not be tough? I know that my marriage is strong enough to survive this, though.
All I can do now is love my husband and give him time. I need to do the very thing that I am worst at, be patient. Oh, that’s so hard, but I know it’s what he needs. He needs me to back off, and I’m going to try my hardest. It’s just so contradictory to what comes natural to me. I need to push on, but right now I don’t have anything to push on to. I know that I need to do this patient thing right now. The pushing on will have to take a back seat for the time being.
I can only hope that my husband will change his mind. That after he’s had a break from all of this that he’ll reconsider moving forward with IVF or adoption or something else that will hopefully get us closer to our child. I know I can’t just tell him what to do or how to feel, though. That’s just not fair to him or to our possible future child.
I haven’t given up hope. I can’t. A piece of my heart is missing, and I can’t give up until it’s filled. I can give my husband what he needs right now, but I will not give up on that dream.
We all know that infertility is tough on a marriage. The further you travel down that road, the harder it gets. It’s no surprise that after almost four years trying to conceive, nearly two years of infertility treatment, and five IVF/FET cycles that it’s getting really tough. I know that we’ll make it, though. I have no doubt.
I honestly don’t know how this will work out. Only time will tell. Until then I will hold my husband close and hope with all of my heart that we come through this even closer than we already are.
Follow Up Fun September 15, 2005
I had my follow up over the phone this afternoon. I’ve learned not to expect answers from these things. I mean, there really aren’t any to be had.
I talked to my RE about how to proceed should we choose to do another cycle. I really don’t need to do much additional testing, because I’ve had it all. I would need to have another hysteroscopy done because of the miscarriage factor, though.
We discussed protocol options. He suggested using a microdose Lupron protocol in hopes of getting a better response than last time. I asked about doing a pure FSH stim since I had a better response during my first cycle in which I stimmed with only Gonal-F. I also think the additional LH could be affecting my lining. I don’t know if that could actually be the case, but on the cycle where I stimmed with only FSH my lining got to a nice plush 12mm. On both of the cycles where Repronex was used, my lining actually shrunk towards the end of stimming and ended up being not as thick as I would have liked. I don’t know if it would make a difference, but if we do decide to do another cycle I think going back to an FSH stim might not be a bad idea. My RE did point out that my lining thickness this cycle obviously wasn’t a factor since I did get pregnant. Good point, but I still think eliminating the Repronex is worth considering.
We also discussed how much of a break I should take. He wants me to have two or three rest cycles, so it looks like ER/ET would be in January if we decide to take the plunge again. I’m not big on waiting, but my body probably does need a break. Plus, I’m not about to do another cycle where beta ends up being a week or two before Christmas. No siree. That sucked. The truth of the matter is that we need time to be able to decide what comes next anyway.
I did appreciate the fact that my RE didn’t make me feel like this was our fault. My previous RE had a knack for doing that. I didn’t get the donor sperm speech or the donor egg speech. Not that those aren’t options worth considering, but my former RE used the donor sperm speech as a way to deflect any responsibility for our failed cycles. I hated that. I also wasn’t told that it wasn’t worth trying again. Although, I did get the “silver lining” talk. You know, the “well, you did get pregnant, blah, blah, blah” stuff. I was fully expecting that, though.
So now comes the hard part. Do we or don’t we? I really do think we’ll be able to answer that question in the weeks to come. Obviously there’s no rush. We’ll have to search our hearts to see if we can take another cycle emotionally, break out the checkbook and calculator to see if our finances can stand yet another bigillion dollars going to the RE’s office, figure out the logistics of cycling out of town, a new one for us, and most importantly just decide if this is what feels right in terms of what comes next. It won’t be easy, but is this crap ever easy?
That’s an Empty Ute September 14, 2005
My ultrasound went well this morning. There was no retained tissue, my ovaries were clear, and my lining was thin. It was definitely empty in there. I was relieved, though. The thought of medical intervention after going through the stuff I’ve already gone through was not something that I wanted to deal with.
I found out my actual beta number from yesterday, too. It was 594. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be that high if there’s nothing left in there, but hopefully it will continue to fall at a decent rate. I have another beta scheduled for next Tuesday, so I guess we’ll find out what it’s up to then.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading and thinking the past few days. It’s definitely a process to go about trying to figure out how you feel about what comes next. As part of all of that, I did some thinking about the comments to this post. Please excuse the discombobulated nature of what follows.
The age factor does play a role in all of this. On one hand, we should have an advantage since we’re young, I’ve got youngish eggs, etc. On the other hand, it’s frustrating that it’s not working even with all of that going for us. It makes it harder to walk away because it should be working. Along with that comes the fact that no one can tell us why it’s not. I think if someone could give us a reason why that it would be easier to accept that our chances aren’t great.
Technically speaking we do have time to make this decision since we’re still young. However, we’ve waited long enough. Hell, we’re coming up on the four year mark of this trying to conceive business. I don’t want to take a break. The waiting is one of the hardest parts for me. I want our child yesterday. That’s why I’ve been able to cycle back to back this past year.
It’s been ingrained in a lot of our brains that if you work hard enough and long enough that you can do anything. That’s the tough part about IVF. That just doesn’t apply. It’s hard to accept that.
Now with regards to our other options: donor sperm, adoption, etc, I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to fully put my heart into any of those things unless I close the door on IVF. That’s just me. I can see the appeal of knowing that the option is available in the future, but I don’t think I’ll be able to move on if I don’t say the end with regards to IVF.
I think sometimes it does make it harder to consider other family building options after we’ve been given the opportunity to do IVF/ICSI. I think it might have been easier if we would have never had that choice in the first place. Not that I’m not thankful for the opportunity. That’s totally not it. I just think switching gears from trying to conceive a biological child to something else is harder since we’ve come so close with IVF. I mean, we’ve have conceived with my eggs and my husband’s sperm. We just haven’t made it to the live baby part.
That’s another thing. It’s hard for me to think that my only experience with pregnancy might be miscarriage. That’s really hard to wrap my brain around.
I know I’m just rambling, but it helps to get all of this stuff out. Thank goodness for my blog, because I’m sure I’d drive my husband crazy talking about all of this stuff all the time. Hell, I do anyway, but it would be much worse.
Thank you for all of your comments and insight. It’s so helpful to know that I’m not the only one that’s been put in this position. Although, I hate that any us have to be here. I’m glad that each of us has been or will be able to determine the right thing for our families. That’s what ultimately matters most.
The Not So Fun Beta September 13, 2005
Not that any betas are fun, but some are definitely worse than others. I had to go in for my first post miscarriage beta this morning, and it sucked big time. I’m so sick of RE’s offices. I’m also sick of being in between RE’s offices.
I’m getting stuff done at the RE’s office here so I don’t have to make the 8 hour round trip drive to Houston to get things done with my actual RE. It’s nice not having to make the drive, but it sure is a pain in the ass other ways.
Today, they didn’t call me with my beta results. They just faxed them to my RE in Houston. At least they did that. However, it’s very hard for my RE’s office to get through to me here due to the problems with the post hurricane phone lines. It only took my IVF coordinator eight tries today.
Anyway, my beta came back in the 500’s. I didn’t get the exact number because of this lack of communication issue. Now I have to go and get an ultrasound done tomorrow to make sure there’s no retained tissue. Fuck.
When I called to schedule the appointment with the RE here, I got the run around because I’m not an actual patient. Like I need that on top of everything else.
Oh, and another thing that really added to my fun today was seeing “abortion, spontaneous” on my lab sheet. That just made me feel peachy.
I eventually got an ultrasound appointment scheduled for tomorrow, so hopefully we’ll find out what’s going on. I swear, if I have to have a D&C after going through the hell of a natural miscarriage, I am going to freak.
On another note, I fully intend to respond to some of the comments on my last post. You guys really gave me a lot to think about. I’m just not up to it today. The past fews days have been really, really hard. I really do want to post about it at some point, though.
So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for whatever would be good news tomorrow. I really don’t want to have to deal with a “retained tissue” situation, but I also don’t want to deal with a beta that won’t fall fast enough without any real reason.
I have a follow up over the phone scheduled with my RE on Thursday. At least I’ll actually get to talk to someone about what the hell is going on. Right now I just feel like I’m in limbo.
Look! They’re On Sale! September 11, 2005
That’s about as good an idea as I can come up with. It’s either that or steal one. My husband says I can’t do that, though.
I’ve been making a major effort to educate myself about our various options. I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online, I’ve ordered some books on adoption and donor sperm, and have basically just tried very hard to make myself realize that IVF is not the only thing out there. It’s hard, though.
After we found out about the impending miscarriage, I was 100% for doing another IVF cycle. Then something changed after going through the physical process of miscarrying. I mean, going through that hell definitely has the power to change a person. I started thinking about and researching adoption. I started trying to wrap my brain around the use of donor gametes.
This IVF stuff is a hard habit to break, though. Even though I’ve been focusing on other options recently, I woke up this morning wanting to do another cycle so badly. I guess it’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through multiple failed IVF cycles. I mean, if I was someone on the outside looking in, there’s no way I could understand why someone like me, who has been burned by IVF so many times, would even consider doing it again. I am, though. I just can’t help it.
It’s like we’ve gotten so close. Each time we’ve done a fresh cycle (those stupid FETs don’t count,) we’ve gotten closer to the ultimate goal. IVF #1: BFN, IVF #2: chemical, IVF #3: miscarriage. Who knows what IVF #4 could bring. That’s the thing, though. There’s just no telling. We could finally hit the jackpot or be right back in hell. I’ve never considered myself a gambler, but I guess I really am.
It’s so hard to invest so much emotionally and financially and then be able to walk away from it all. I think that takes so much strength. I look at others who have done it and am in awe.
This decision would undoubtedly be easier if we weren’t talking mega bucks. What I wouldn’t give for some freaking insurance coverage. Obviously we’ll be adding to our $50K total no matter what we decide to do. We just have to decide how much we’re willing to spend and how big a gamble we’re willing to take.
I hate that money has to play such a huge role in our decision making process, but it does. Shit, sometimes I just want to keep going until there’s nothing left. I know I can’t, though. We’re already pushing it. All of the money that should be going to massive student loans has gone to IVF. We’ll be paying those things off until we’re senior citizens. I can’t even bring myself to say how much we have left.
I know that one of these years we will decide what comes next. I don’t expect it to be easy. I have no doubt that it will be many times harder than the decision to get on the IVF roller coaster in the first place, and to be honest, I’m not really looking forward to having to go there. Can’t I just get one of the babies in the ad instead?
Magic Words September 8, 2005
Last night was hard. My husband and I were both not in the best of moods. It’s really hard to pick yourself up off of the floor and still have the energy to pick your partner up, too.
One of the hardest parts for me is seeing how hard all of this is on my husband. It really is ok that I don’t get pampered right now, because he’s hurting, too. It’s hard to be there 110% for your loved one when you’re struggling to make it yourself. I understand that. I know that the most important thing is that we stick together.
Last night before we went to bed my husband took me in his arms and told me that it wasn’t over. That he’s not giving up. He said that he didn’t know what he wants to do next, but that there will be a next. That’s all I wanted to hear. I cried when I heard those magic words.
I know there will be ups and downs in the days to come. Today is a down day. I’m feeling like total crap, but I have to be mindful of the fact that today is not everything. Today is just today. Tomorrow I may feel better, at least a little bit.
I finally spoke to my IVF coordinator this morning. She said she couldn’t get through yesterday, and I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt since the phone lines have been wonky around here post hurricane. I found out that I need to have weekly betas done starting Tuesday until my levels drop all the way down. I’ll also be having a follow up consult with my RE over the phone next Thursday.
I’m not sure how I’m feeling about everything. A few days ago I was sure I wanted to do another IVF cycle. Now, I don’t know. I do know that I’m allowed some time to find my way. I do know that it’s going to be impossible to know for sure how I feel about things until a little time passes. Things will come together eventually. I don’t know how or when, but I know they will.
Frustrated September 7, 2005
So many things are frustrating me right now that I feel like my head might explode. I called and left a message for my IVF coordinator in Houston first thing this morning so I could figure out when I’m supposed to go in for a beta and if I need to have an ultrasound done. I’m going to get that stuff done here, but I need to know what and when, etc. Well, she never called me back. This miscarriage cost us a fortune, and I can’t even get a phone call about how I’m supposed to proceed now? Lovely.
My husband is also frustrating me. I love my husband with all my heart, but he’s not reacting to this whole miscarriage thing as I expected. I’m not talking about how he feels about the whole situation emotionally. I’m talking about how he’s treating me.
Last night he complained about having to fix dinner. I’m sorry, I just didn’t feel up to it. Plus, it was heating up leftovers. Give me a break. Then, I practically had to beg him to come help me with all of the stuff I do before bedtime, like feeding the cats, cleaning stuff up, etc. I didn’t want to have to ask for help. I wanted to be taken care of. I didn’t want to have to say, “I had a miscarriage today. Can I get some freaking help around here?” Oh, and I did actually say that.
I just want to be pampered a little. I think if he had come home yesterday to find me curled up in a ball on the floor writhing in pain he might have acted a little differently. Instead, by the time he got home I had survived the worst of it and was feeling much better thanks to my friend, Mr. Vicodin. I don’t know if he really gets what I went through. Maybe he does and just doesn’t know what to do. I know he’s dealing with his own stuff, too, but I honestly went through hell yesterday, and I’d like to think I deserve a little bit of special treatment because of it.
Plus, I’m getting a freaking cold sore or something on my lip. I know it’s because of the stress, but all it does is stress me out more. Like I don’t feel disgusting enough with these extra five pounds sitting on my gut.
Oh, and speaking of disgusting, can I just say that I HATE PADS! Holy shit, I hate those mother fuckers. I think miscarriage would be easier to deal with if tampons weren’t on the forbidden list. The last time I bought pads was in middle school. I’m not liking the flashback one bit.
Whew. I feel better now. I guess it’s good to get all of that off of my chest. I know this is all stuff that will pass. I guess it’s just when things hit all at once that it gets upsetting. Plus, I think I’m dealing with some hormone crash related crankiness.
It’s weird that I can bitch and moan and still feel lucky. I do, though. I’m glad I have a home to hide out in through all of this. I can’t imagine having to be anywhere else yesterday. I’m glad that I was strong enough, even though I didn’t feel like it at the time, to make it through that hell yesterday by myself. I’m thankful I have a husband who envelopes me in hugs even though he can be a pooterhead sometimes. And I’m thankful that I can look ahead, to what I’m not sure, but that I can imagine the possibilities of the future even when I’m a bit on the cranky side.
Do Not Try This At Home September 6, 2005
Holy crap. Today sucked. Yesterday I started bleeding, and today the wrath hit. Of course, my body decided to miscarry while one dose of Vicodin was wearing off and the next had yet to kick in. Oh, my.
I really don’t get why people say that a miscarriage is like a crampy period. That was true for my chemical, but miscarrying at 8.5 weeks is another story all together. I was expecting some pain, but I could have never imagined what it was really going to be like.
It was so much more than cramps. Those mother fuckers were contractions. I alternated between rocking back and forth on the toilet and writhing in pain on the bathroom floor. It was so bad.
After so much of that hell that I really didn’t think I was going to make it, I finally passed the sac. It was so much bigger than I expected. Scary stuff.
I know one thing. I will never go through that again. If I ever have the misfortune of miscarrying again (please, oh please, don’t let that happen) I will be signing up for a D&C in a heartbeat. This crap is hard enough without having to survive utter agony.
I think the worst is behind me now, though. I’m doing so much better now. Of course, I’m doped up on Vicodin, thank goodness, but it’s still obvious that my body is happy to be done with the expelling portion of the event.
Hopefully my body did its job completely. It sure as hell better have after all of that. I’ll have to go back and have betas done to watch my levels drop, so that should be fun. I’m just hoping that I’ve survived the worst of it. I really, really don’t want to experience any more of that any time soon.
What Now? September 5, 2005
I talked to my mom the other night and that was what she asked me. I told her that we honestly have no clue. Oh, how I wish I had an answer to that question, though.
It’s very obvious to me that my husband and I are dealing with things differently. That is so ok, but we definitely have different coping styles. For me, it’s easiest to get through the bad times if I have something to look forward to in the future. With no Plan B in place, it’s much harder. My husband, on the other hand, needs time. He doesn’t even want to start thinking about what comes next for quite awhile.
I have been trying really hard not to push, because I know it’s important for him to handle things in his own time, but I have to tell ya that I’m getting a little antsy. It’s not like a decision has to be made anytime soon because my body won’t be ready to do anything for two or three months anyway, but it still makes me feel restless. I want to be able to have something in sight, something to focus on while I make my way through this hell. I know it’s just as important, though, for my husband to have time off from thinking about this stuff.
I’m sure one of these days we’ll find ourselves on the same page. I sure hope so anyway. I guess the thing that scares me the most is that he’ll be ready to call it quits before I will. I can tell you right now that I’m not ready to be done. I’m not even close to being ready to walk away from my dream of having a child. I don’t know what will come next, but I don’t think I could handle walking away from everything with nothing to show for it.
I know we have options, and I know we’ll discuss them. They’re the same options we’ve always had: do another IVF cycle, look into donor sperm, or get off the trying to conceive roller coaster and start the adoption process. I know what I want to do, but I’m only half of the equation.
Right now I’m going to focus on a few things:
- Getting through this whole miscarriage business in one piece (which may be easier said than done).
- Giving my body at least a little break (Hell, I’ve cycled back to back for a year. I think it deserves it.)
- And losing the five pounds that I gained this cycle that are currently making me feel beyond disgusting.
I guess everything else will come in time. I just hope I’m not certifiable by then.
Recommended Reading September 3, 2005
Yesterday I had my husband pick up Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage from the library on his way home from work. I read it cover to cover last night. I don’t know how many people read miscarriage books while waiting to miscarry, but it helped me.
This isn’t a “dealing with your feelings” type of book. It focuses more on the technical aspects like what does and doesn’t cause miscarriages, how common they are, and what testing and treatments are available and which ones are considered more experimental than others.
I liked this book partially because I like reading studies. I can’t even tell you how many hours I’ve logged on PubMed. This book has information about studies on miscarriage and also goes through a lot of the history leading up to the study of miscarriage. It also includes a good number of personal accounts.
I definitely thought it was a good book on the subject, and I think it was good for me to read it right now. I knew how common miscarriage was. Shit, just read infertility blogs for a little while, and you’ll have no doubt about that. This book reinforced that for me, though. It also stressed that even if you have x# of miscarriages under your belt, that there is still hope for the future.
This book didn’t really give me any insight into why this is happening to us, but the truth of the matter, and something that is reiterated in the book, is that a good number of times you won’t ever know why. That’s just something that I’ll have to come to accept.
I definitely think this book’s worth checking out, especially if you’re a nerd like me who can’t get enough info on all of this reproductive stuff. In my opinion, there’s no such thing as learning too much.
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I apologize for the fact that this post sounded like a fifth grade book report. I blame it on the fact that I feel like total shit. I really did like the book, though. Interesting reading.
Close To Home September 2, 2005
One of the reasons I think I’m able to feel the way I do right now is because all of this devastation is happening in our backyard. Yes, we only moved to Louisiana less than four weeks ago, but I grew up here. I spent the first 18 years of my life here, and it will always be home.
I don’t know why I’ve been so illusive about where we actually live in my recent posts. It’s not like I hold back on anything else on my blog. Anyway, we’re in Lafayette which is about 135 miles west of New Orleans, and we’re seeing the effects of Katrina here in many ways.
There are tens and tens of thousands of evacuees who are now living in Lafayette. Many shelters, including the Cajun Dome, have been opened for the evacuees and have all filled up very quickly. Many people are looking for temporary housing only to be turned away at every step. The office at our apartment complex is getting so many calls that they set up a special voicemail system. When I went in to pay rent yesterday there was a sign on the front door of the office that read: NO VACANCIES, OFFICE CLOSED. I feel so badly for all of these people who have no real homes now. Where are they all going to live? How are they going to get new jobs?
So many things sadden me about the aftermath of Katrina. My brother’s girlfriend, or ex girlfriend or something, lived in New Orleans. She was able to evacuate before the storm hit and is staying with my brother in Fort Worth (they were doing the long distance thing). There’s a chance that she has lost a lot of her possessions, but thankfully she has insurance and now has a place to stay and has even found a new job to tide her over. She is one of the lucky ones.
My brother told me that she has already received $100 worth of makeup from a cosmetic company and six pairs of contacts from one of the big online contacts sites. I’m glad companies are helping out people who have been displaced from their homes, but it also gives me pause. I mean, wouldn’t it be better if these companies donated money or food and water to help all of the people who are stuck in New Orleans? I mean, some of these people are literally dying of dehydration. Don’t they need water more than than the people who have made it out need makeup? I just don’t get it. Why concentrate your efforts on the people who have already been able to help themselves?
I could go on and on. I know that Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama will never be the same. I know it will be months before people will be able to go back and and try to start over. It just breaks my heart.
I know that I have every right to tune this stuff out and focus on me right now. I know I have the right to be selfish. You know what, though? I don’t want to.
Ever since the storm hit, there’s been a crawler of information at the bottom of the TV screen on our local stations giving out all kinds of information. Last night there was a request for volunteers to help out in our city. I immediately thought about doing it, but then realized it probably wouldn’t be the best idea given this whole miscarriage situation.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not shutting out my pain. Not at all. But just like I said yesterday, I know I’m not the only one hurting. I think it’s ok, and maybe even healthy, for me to focus on that right now.
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Oh, and if anyone wants to read my hubby’s perspective on Katrina, he’s been blogging about it all week. Heck, he even got linked to on the Newsweek site. Pretty cool.
Keeping It In Perspective September 1, 2005
I really am doing better than I expected. I truly thought I’d be hiding under the covers right now, but I’m not. I think my lack of total meltdown is due to a few things.
First of all, I don’t know if I ever truly believed that we’d end up with a kid even after I got my doubling betas. I’ve been around long enough to know about all of the shit can happen. Secondly, the time between ultrasound #1 and #2 gave me time to start grieving. I knew that this was coming. I really did. Being able to cry all week helped.
Most importantly, though, I think the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina has put things in perspective for me. My heart hurts when I watch the images on TV, when I see all of the people from the New Orleans area spilling into our city, when I see people hanging out in the aisles of WalMart wondering out loud about what’s left of their homes, when I see refugees setting up makeshift camps in a park near our home. I know full well that it could have been us. If Katrina had shifted just a little bit to the west, it would have been us.
Yes, this is hard. Yes, I wanted this so fucking much, and my heart is breaking into pieces sitting here waiting for it all to be over, but I am also counting my blessings. I feel fortunate to have my wonderful husband, my three precious kitties, a roof over my head, food and water, and all of the other things that so many people are being forced to do without right now. I may not be lucky reproductively speaking, but I am truly lucky in so many other ways.
That’s not to say that I don’t have my moments. I’m sure I’ll be getting around to blogging about the mini meltdown that I had yesterday. However, I know that I’m not the only one hurting right now. There are way too many people with broken hearts out there. Way too many.