Keeping It In Perspective September 1, 2005
I really am doing better than I expected. I truly thought I’d be hiding under the covers right now, but I’m not. I think my lack of total meltdown is due to a few things.
First of all, I don’t know if I ever truly believed that we’d end up with a kid even after I got my doubling betas. I’ve been around long enough to know about all of the shit can happen. Secondly, the time between ultrasound #1 and #2 gave me time to start grieving. I knew that this was coming. I really did. Being able to cry all week helped.
Most importantly, though, I think the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina has put things in perspective for me. My heart hurts when I watch the images on TV, when I see all of the people from the New Orleans area spilling into our city, when I see people hanging out in the aisles of WalMart wondering out loud about what’s left of their homes, when I see refugees setting up makeshift camps in a park near our home. I know full well that it could have been us. If Katrina had shifted just a little bit to the west, it would have been us.
Yes, this is hard. Yes, I wanted this so fucking much, and my heart is breaking into pieces sitting here waiting for it all to be over, but I am also counting my blessings. I feel fortunate to have my wonderful husband, my three precious kitties, a roof over my head, food and water, and all of the other things that so many people are being forced to do without right now. I may not be lucky reproductively speaking, but I am truly lucky in so many other ways.
That’s not to say that I don’t have my moments. I’m sure I’ll be getting around to blogging about the mini meltdown that I had yesterday. However, I know that I’m not the only one hurting right now. There are way too many people with broken hearts out there. Way too many.
- Posted in : IVF Part 5: IVF #3, various other ramblings
- Author : amanda
Comments»
You are such an inspiration. You are so strong. Things will get better for you!
I was about to post a similar blog entry (The hurricane bit, anyway - I probably still will.) Nevertheless, I am so totally impressed by your strength. It’s a different hurt, of course, from having your home destroyed, a much more personal one, but you’re absolutelly still entitled to hurt. And, as I’m sure you’ve done - give your husband and kitties some extra hugs. :)
You are so brave Amanda. I am in awe.
You are an amazing person to be able to have this perspective. I admire you.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and your strength has continually amazed me.
God bless you, Amanda.
Your strength is a real inspiration to me.
Amanda, you are a bigger person than I am. You are amazing. I think the important thing is that you let yourself feel whatever you need to feel - if you’re feeling ok right now, that’s fine, but don’t beat yourself up re - I’m so much luckier than those folks who got displaced by the storm - if later you don’t feel ok.
You really are brave.
Way to bring me to tears. In all the blogs I have read today, not one mentions being thankful in spite of things not going how they want them to go. I am so proud of you for having this perspective, even though it is SO hard.
I caught myself complaining that our house was too small today. SHAME on me!!!!!!
Rachel
BTW, for some reason it is satisfying to type in the comments field and see it show up yellow on green! I am a big dork, no?
Your composure and perspective leave me awestruck. I hope you continue to do well dealing with this. I know it can’t be easy.
I’m so so sorry this didn’t work and I know that the private pain is so very, very hard, but you are right, those of us not in New Orleans or Gulfport have so much to be thankful for. I lived in NOLA for 4 years and my heart is breaking at what has been happening to my beautiful, wonderful city and all its wonderful people. Your grief is painful and hard and difficult- I hope that as you ride the ups & downs of your grief, you find the strength to come back to this theme (of thankfulness for what you do have) during the dark times. Its a very hard thing to do.
This must be so hard for you but you are so strong- it is really amazing. I wish you all of the best in the coming days and weeks.
Amen sister love, amen.
Amanda,
You are total class honey. It does put things in perspective. I’ve been counting my blessing too.
Hang in there chica, you are very strong.
Amanda,
You are an amazing women. It takes courage to be able to put aside you own hurt to hurt for others.
You will be rewarded on that merit alone.
Please keep your head up and hold on to your dream.
Amanda, I remember watching the aftermath of the tsunami a couple of months after my miscarriage and thinking, wow, that really puts things in perspective. But intellectually recognizing how fortunate you are by comparison does not mean that your own life, your own problems, your own personal tragedy go away. So please don’t feel you are being guilty or selfish if you feel hurt or have a meltdown. (Or, um, maybe it’s just me that is selfish?)