What Now? September 5, 2005
I talked to my mom the other night and that was what she asked me. I told her that we honestly have no clue. Oh, how I wish I had an answer to that question, though.
It’s very obvious to me that my husband and I are dealing with things differently. That is so ok, but we definitely have different coping styles. For me, it’s easiest to get through the bad times if I have something to look forward to in the future. With no Plan B in place, it’s much harder. My husband, on the other hand, needs time. He doesn’t even want to start thinking about what comes next for quite awhile.
I have been trying really hard not to push, because I know it’s important for him to handle things in his own time, but I have to tell ya that I’m getting a little antsy. It’s not like a decision has to be made anytime soon because my body won’t be ready to do anything for two or three months anyway, but it still makes me feel restless. I want to be able to have something in sight, something to focus on while I make my way through this hell. I know it’s just as important, though, for my husband to have time off from thinking about this stuff.
I’m sure one of these days we’ll find ourselves on the same page. I sure hope so anyway. I guess the thing that scares me the most is that he’ll be ready to call it quits before I will. I can tell you right now that I’m not ready to be done. I’m not even close to being ready to walk away from my dream of having a child. I don’t know what will come next, but I don’t think I could handle walking away from everything with nothing to show for it.
I know we have options, and I know we’ll discuss them. They’re the same options we’ve always had: do another IVF cycle, look into donor sperm, or get off the trying to conceive roller coaster and start the adoption process. I know what I want to do, but I’m only half of the equation.
Right now I’m going to focus on a few things:
- Getting through this whole miscarriage business in one piece (which may be easier said than done).
- Giving my body at least a little break (Hell, I’ve cycled back to back for a year. I think it deserves it.)
- And losing the five pounds that I gained this cycle that are currently making me feel beyond disgusting.
I guess everything else will come in time. I just hope I’m not certifiable by then.
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
It is so hard to get on the same page. DH & I were very similar in terms of dealing with things- I needed a plan, he needed time to think it through. It is so hard to know where to go now- I wish you luck.
Despite all that you’ve been through, you sound quite sane to me. My husband and I are the same way when it comes to moving forward– he always wants a break, I always want to steamroll ahead. Best of luck with finding your way.
That’s how we are too. It must be a woman-man thing. It’s just how we’re made. I hope you can meet again on the same page real soon.
I too always want a plan B and my husband needs lots of time to mull things over. This drives me nuts because I have books about adoption all over the place, which he will not even take a look at.
I say definitely a man woman thing. After my husband and I rec’d our bad news that we would not be able to conceive a child I wanted to rush and talk about options. I wanted to be very reassuring that we could still have what we most wanted which is to parent and love a child together. I tried to take it slow because as much as I wanted to rush it I knew that it had to be a both of us plan. Being in a completely different place then my husband was when I felt the most lonely when sorting through all the infertility issues. I guess where this is going is that I hope you and your husband came meet at the same place. And while respecting the time it takes to get the same place I hope it is sooner than later for you.
Oh, Amanda. How I wish there was something I could do to make all this easier for you. You and your hubby have had to deal with way too much shit this past year. I’ll be right here, following along and wishing you the best, no matter what your next step ends up being.
nothings easy is it, we’re told from day one to have a planB just in case it helps to keep us sane. I hope you and hubby reach the same page soon even to the point where you can discuss it would be a help. in the meantime and not to sound trite you can blog your heart out and know people “are” listening. Wish I could make things different for you lovely.
I understand the need for a plan B all too well. Hell, last year I was on the phone scheduling a consultation with the new RE the day after being discharged from the hospital for my D&C. It’s hard to drift when we know we need intervention to make anything happen. I hope you and your husband can decide what’s next in a timeframe that works somewhat well for both of you. It’s never easy, though. Thinking of you as always.
Until our last failed try, my DH was always the one to push for having a plan in place while I just couldn’t bring myself to think about doing it all again until several months after a cycle. After this last time, I thought he’d be happy that I felt ready to pull a plan B together quickly and get moving again but he actually seemed almost disappointed that I was thinking of trying something again so soon and just seemed so tired of talking about it all. Can’t win!
Doing research on the various options can’t hurt if it helps you feel like you’re getting somewhere. Maybe you could write a list of your options and the various pros and cons you see of each and the first steps you’d need to take to put each plan in action then just set it aside for a month or two (since you can’t do anything for at least that long anyway). After you’ve done that, try to give your mind some time to relax from it all too (easier said than done I know esp. given what you’re going through right now but maybe you could find some sort of hobby or something to distract yourself a bit anyway). Pull out the list once you’ve both had more time to recover from all this and, by that time, maybe he will feel ready to discuss it all and move forward.
I have no plan B. H just follows along with what I say is the best option. Puts some stress on me but he also doesn’t resist when I say what’s right, and he stays nice and calm with the docs, which helps.
I wish there was an easier answer for you and your husband. Hang in there.
As far as having a “what next plan?” I totally understand. When you don’t have a plan B you feel completely hopeless. How I get through bad times is focusing on better things or future goals. Make your own goals. You don’t have to share them with your husband right away. Right now your husband is dealing with his disappointment and hurt, he is also carrying a lot of guilt that he might not be able to share with you. This whole IVF process challenges a man’s ego (especially if all evidence points towards them as the cause of the infertility), where as we as women to see it as a strike against our womanhood, but a means to an end….which is to have a child.
My husband, who is a Type I diabetic (who is currently on dialysis and the kidney transplant list and has allllllllllllllll the complication of being a long term diabetic including high blood, some impotence, retrograde ejaculation, low sperm volume and the list goes on and on) dealt with our miscarriage very differently than I did.
After trying “the natural way” as he calls it, for a while he finally agreed to go with insemination and it worked. But 9 weeks into the pregnancy I miscarried. We were devastated! But my healing came in that I was comforted that we could get pregnant with a little help. And as soon as my body was done cleaning up the mess that was going on with it, I was going to jump right back into the baby making process.
Like your husband, mine wanted to take time and understand what went wrong and find fault and had every excuse in the book why we should not “RUSH” things. But through counseling and reading, what he was really saying is “I can’t believe that we were actually pregnant and I am scared and unsure if we can get pregnant again and I don’t want you to get your hopes up…….”.
The miscarriage was in January 2005. In July 2005 we started the IVF process and now I am about 8 weeks pregnant and will go for my ultrasound tomorrow to see how many it is (my hcg levels were extremely high (841) at my first pregnancy test,).
Amanda, I say all this to say, don’t give up on your dream of having a baby. This ivf rollercoaster is cruel! It’s exhausting and your body is truly pushed to its limits. But the most damning part is the emotional part. You cry until you feel there should be no more tears left. But continue to push forward with your dream. Like me, you came so close this time and then it slipped away as quickly as it came. Next time your dream will come to full fruition.
I am so sorry that this comment is so long, but I had this on my heart and I just wanted you to know that we blogger can totally identify with the pain and agony of this process. I have been reading your story for a while and I have commented several times how much you sound like me.
Take care and I will keep in touch.
Oh, sweetie. My husband and I are the exact same way. I like to have a plan, I need to know what’s coming, and he has to process things as they occur. I think that your idea of taking some time off makes sense and am thinking of you.
Oh I absolutely need a plan too - it’s the best way to cope (for me). My husband fortunately (and un) will do whatever I feel is necessary to move forward (or keep me out of the looney bin). Like Thalia said - sometimes puts the pressure on, but nothing’s perfect. Hang in there honey.
My husband and I are on the same page, only we don’t know which book!
We both need that plan B. I think we’re both trying to figure out if, when and how we can move forward, but we’re drowning.
Not knowing what comes next makes dealing with this ten times worse. I hope you can talk things out and come to an agreement, for both your sakes.