Frustrated September 7, 2005
So many things are frustrating me right now that I feel like my head might explode. I called and left a message for my IVF coordinator in Houston first thing this morning so I could figure out when I’m supposed to go in for a beta and if I need to have an ultrasound done. I’m going to get that stuff done here, but I need to know what and when, etc. Well, she never called me back. This miscarriage cost us a fortune, and I can’t even get a phone call about how I’m supposed to proceed now? Lovely.
My husband is also frustrating me. I love my husband with all my heart, but he’s not reacting to this whole miscarriage thing as I expected. I’m not talking about how he feels about the whole situation emotionally. I’m talking about how he’s treating me.
Last night he complained about having to fix dinner. I’m sorry, I just didn’t feel up to it. Plus, it was heating up leftovers. Give me a break. Then, I practically had to beg him to come help me with all of the stuff I do before bedtime, like feeding the cats, cleaning stuff up, etc. I didn’t want to have to ask for help. I wanted to be taken care of. I didn’t want to have to say, “I had a miscarriage today. Can I get some freaking help around here?” Oh, and I did actually say that.
I just want to be pampered a little. I think if he had come home yesterday to find me curled up in a ball on the floor writhing in pain he might have acted a little differently. Instead, by the time he got home I had survived the worst of it and was feeling much better thanks to my friend, Mr. Vicodin. I don’t know if he really gets what I went through. Maybe he does and just doesn’t know what to do. I know he’s dealing with his own stuff, too, but I honestly went through hell yesterday, and I’d like to think I deserve a little bit of special treatment because of it.
Plus, I’m getting a freaking cold sore or something on my lip. I know it’s because of the stress, but all it does is stress me out more. Like I don’t feel disgusting enough with these extra five pounds sitting on my gut.
Oh, and speaking of disgusting, can I just say that I HATE PADS! Holy shit, I hate those mother fuckers. I think miscarriage would be easier to deal with if tampons weren’t on the forbidden list. The last time I bought pads was in middle school. I’m not liking the flashback one bit.
Whew. I feel better now. I guess it’s good to get all of that off of my chest. I know this is all stuff that will pass. I guess it’s just when things hit all at once that it gets upsetting. Plus, I think I’m dealing with some hormone crash related crankiness.
It’s weird that I can bitch and moan and still feel lucky. I do, though. I’m glad I have a home to hide out in through all of this. I can’t imagine having to be anywhere else yesterday. I’m glad that I was strong enough, even though I didn’t feel like it at the time, to make it through that hell yesterday by myself. I’m thankful I have a husband who envelopes me in hugs even though he can be a pooterhead sometimes. And I’m thankful that I can look ahead, to what I’m not sure, but that I can imagine the possibilities of the future even when I’m a bit on the cranky side.
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
Sorry about all the annoyances happening at once. I’m pissed for you that you didn’t get a call back…I mean, WTF? I continue to be impressed with your strength and courage.
It’s awful how with a m/c or a negative, many clinics “forget” you’re there to call back.
I’m sorry the husband wasn’t more attentive, I’m sure it is because he’s dealing with his own grief, but sadly, you’re the one actually going through all this physically.
(Hugs)
I’m sorry for your loss, and right with you, gal, on the anger and pissoffedness of the aftermath.
Would it help you to know that someone else is waddling around right now with pads, at the tail end of her miscarriage, having terrible flashbacks to being 13? (Cue Duran Duran in the background.) I swear I just had to stand in front of the shelves and squint at the packages for seemingly forever, trying to figure out which of those horribly bulky things it made the most sense to buy.
And yes, I’m still waiting on my Ob/Gyn to call me back, as my arms fill up with track marks. All of the bruises of drugs, none of the fun.
Sigh.
Okay, first, I don’t blame you for being annoyed with the clinic. I mean how insensitive can they be?! And, like you said, you’ve handed over a ton of money to them. The least they can give you is a simple return phone call!
Second, I can totally relate to the situation with your husband. Mine has his moments as well. I’ve noticed that he gets less sympathic and helpful about things when I get towards the end of a cycle like after the egg retrieval or transfer…usually when I need him most! It’s like he’s lost patience with dealing with a “sick person” by that time, is mentally exhausted from it and just wants things back to normal. Since I’m doing all this due to male factor infertility, there are times when I get so angry about it all but I just try to remember the 85-90% of the time that he does do his best to help me out and that I can’t expect him to always be perfect when I need him to be…
I mean he is working and I’m not and I guess it’s sometimes hard for him to grasp the concept that there are times when he has to work and take care of some of the things I normally take care of around the house.
Anyway, I guess what you’ve had to go through is probably something that most men just don’t fully understand as far as the amount of emotional and physical pain involved. I think you did the right thing just telling him you need help!
And, of course, your skin has to pick now to go haywire just so you can feel like complete crap. Never fails, does it?
I know it’s hard but try not to worry too much about the weight. I’m not going to give you the “you’re so thin already so don’t worry about it” line because I get that all the time and can’t stand it. Regardless of the fact that I’m thin, I don’t feel comfortable walking around with all my clothes feeling too tight and just have a certain weight I feel like myself at. Anyway, I’m willing to bet it’s water weight that is going to drop off in a week or two without your even having to think about it much. Try not to stress too much.
How are your kitties doing? I hope they are keeping you company throughout all this. Mine are usually great to have around when I’m not feeling well.
I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better! I don’t know if you like reading but maybe pick up a few light, funny books and try to escape in those for awhile.
I will say you’re doing a great job keeping things in perspective and your last paragraph at least reassured me that you know things are going to get better.
Hang in there and vent as much as you need to.
Amanda, You’re entirely entitled to all the pissed offness you expressed in this post. The clinic is completely out of order.
I do think it’s likely (given how lovely he is usuallY) that your husband does sort of get it, at least that he gets that you had a miscarriage, but he probably did his mourning when you knew it was over 2 weeks ago, and he probably doesn’t want to think about what you had to go through physically, or how it feels to have been walking aroudn for 2 weeks waiting for that to happen. It’s just to hard for them I think sometimes - they want to be able to make it all better, but they can’t.
Anyway, you’re entitled to be cross with him. Go ahead and feel whatever you’re feeling - you’re dealing with enough here without feeling guilty about your response.
I’m sorry it’s all so shitty at the moment. You need cuddles and yes pampering and also a bit of maid action in the kitchen. You are doing a great job coping with it all. I’m glad you are seeing some light at the end of this particular tunnel.
And if he doesn’t want to heat leftovers he should order some takeout!
I know this is easier said than done, but try to be kind to yourself right now. After each of my miscarriages, I was so overwhelmed with emotion. What you are going through is so awful already without having other people make is more difficult. Take the time you need to physically heal, and you can face the emotional healing after that.
You are in my thoughts!
I HATE that IVF coordinators never call back when they’re supposed to. Why do these people feel that it’s ok to do a half-assed job?! Grrr.
And sorry, I don’t care where your husabnd is in the grieving process or why he’s not treating you with the respect you deserve (even if he usually does), you’re the one going through physical AND emotional Hell right now and he needs to be there for you. Period. The least he can do is warm up dinner for Chrissakes. (Can you tell I’m still bitter about how my own husband behaved during my admittedly very early mc?) Thinking of you.
I can only hope that if I am ever in your situation I can handle it with the strength and levelheadedness that you have shown.
Thinking of you.
Amanda, you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. You have been through so much, so incredibly much. I cannot imagine, truly. I feel that I have been step by step with you, both of us experiencing the same things. I thought you made it out and now you find yourself back here with the wanting.
Men are different. You know your husband adores you. Michael can be so clueless sometimes and has even been rude at times when I have been in my funks. I find that when I pour my heart and soul out, get down to the nitty gritty deep down truth (”i just feel so completely useless and deformed and don’t know what to do next and yet can’t accept never having a family and i feel completely beaten up” type of thing) - well, he gets it more then. I have found that I have to lay it out even though I expect that he should know these things but he doesn’t and your husband probably doesn’t know either.
You do need help, lots of TLC - tell him what you need and not what you aren’t getting.
Take care, my dear.