Look! They’re On Sale! September 11, 2005
That’s about as good an idea as I can come up with. It’s either that or steal one. My husband says I can’t do that, though.
I’ve been making a major effort to educate myself about our various options. I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online, I’ve ordered some books on adoption and donor sperm, and have basically just tried very hard to make myself realize that IVF is not the only thing out there. It’s hard, though.
After we found out about the impending miscarriage, I was 100% for doing another IVF cycle. Then something changed after going through the physical process of miscarrying. I mean, going through that hell definitely has the power to change a person. I started thinking about and researching adoption. I started trying to wrap my brain around the use of donor gametes.
This IVF stuff is a hard habit to break, though. Even though I’ve been focusing on other options recently, I woke up this morning wanting to do another cycle so badly. I guess it’s hard to understand unless you’ve been through multiple failed IVF cycles. I mean, if I was someone on the outside looking in, there’s no way I could understand why someone like me, who has been burned by IVF so many times, would even consider doing it again. I am, though. I just can’t help it.
It’s like we’ve gotten so close. Each time we’ve done a fresh cycle (those stupid FETs don’t count,) we’ve gotten closer to the ultimate goal. IVF #1: BFN, IVF #2: chemical, IVF #3: miscarriage. Who knows what IVF #4 could bring. That’s the thing, though. There’s just no telling. We could finally hit the jackpot or be right back in hell. I’ve never considered myself a gambler, but I guess I really am.
It’s so hard to invest so much emotionally and financially and then be able to walk away from it all. I think that takes so much strength. I look at others who have done it and am in awe.
This decision would undoubtedly be easier if we weren’t talking mega bucks. What I wouldn’t give for some freaking insurance coverage. Obviously we’ll be adding to our $50K total no matter what we decide to do. We just have to decide how much we’re willing to spend and how big a gamble we’re willing to take.
I hate that money has to play such a huge role in our decision making process, but it does. Shit, sometimes I just want to keep going until there’s nothing left. I know I can’t, though. We’re already pushing it. All of the money that should be going to massive student loans has gone to IVF. We’ll be paying those things off until we’re senior citizens. I can’t even bring myself to say how much we have left.
I know that one of these years we will decide what comes next. I don’t expect it to be easy. I have no doubt that it will be many times harder than the decision to get on the IVF roller coaster in the first place, and to be honest, I’m not really looking forward to having to go there. Can’t I just get one of the babies in the ad instead?
- Posted in : Limboland: the aftermath of IVF Part 5
- Author : amanda
Comments»
I’d be waiting at the door when they open like one of those crazed after thanksgiving shoppers if it were that easy.
I only have one failed IVF under my belt, but I would do another in a heartbeat. I can imagine how you feel about it. It used to be that the only thing stopping us was money. That’s a horrible reality, I know. It’s awful to think about the possibilities, and think that money is all that’s standing between you and a child. But, as we know all too well, it’s just not that easy.
I know exactly how you feel…. You’ve invested SO MUCH time, money, effort, sanity into trying to have a baby. It’s hard to stop unless you have success. Trust me… after 7 IVF’s.. I Know.
I have people ask me all the time.. “how did you do it?”. Well… all we had to lose was money and sanity. Hell I can make more money.. and there’s always zoloft. Once you begin there’s really no turning back because of the investments you’ve already made. And after the first 350 shots… the next 350 are cake.
Now I don’t think of the last 3 years of my life as wasted time… it was a huge climb up a very steep mountain, and once I got to the top, the view was SO worth it.
hang in there, sweetie
I wonder — is this even harder on you, in a way, because you’re on the young end of the fertility-go-round? For me, the thought of leaving IVF behind always seemed a tiny bit more possible because both age and money were limiting factors.
Regardless, I am so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope in good time you will find peace with whatever you choose as your path forward.
Yes, like J, I know this doesn’t help you in your situation, Amanda, but having longer to think about this and try different things seems like a great option to me right now. I just constantly feel as if time is running out.
Having said that, I wonder if it is worth it for you to give IVF a break for even a couple of years because in the meantime the technology will get better. The nurses at my clinic say that when they have patients coming in aftera couple of years - perhaps having got pregnant w no1 that way, now coming back for no2, they always comment on how much better/easier the process is. I know you want a family NOW so that won’t help, but maybe something to add into your thinking process?
Reminds me of a hair cuttery ad I saw. It just said: Kids. Nine dollars.
Well sign me up! I understand how you feel. A taste of what was previously so intangible is so tempting to keep going and do whatever you have to to get another taste, hopefully a longer lasting one. Good luck in making a decision.
Yeah somtimes it feels like infertility is a race… I just keep thinking if I have the stamina (sanity, $$) to keep going, that something will eventually work. Never mind that I just started running and I’m already exhausted! Best of luck with your decisions.
Amanda, I’m so sorry this is so hard! Yes, I want one of those babies in the ad, too!
For me, (and I do NOT want to be spewing assvice here, so I hope it doesn’t come across that way) I do think it was easier to move on to adoption that it is for some because I know have time to return to IVF some day. I have not had to shut that door; I feel lucky to have time/age on my side (not that that makes IF any easier, it is just a fact that I am thankful for). I still have a bag of needles in my closet, I kept a few vials of meds. I think about being pregnant, and know in a year or two, I may decide to try IVF again. I just really want to start my family right now, so I am doing it the only way I know how (through adoption).
I realize the decision is a very difficult one, and I don’t want to seem like I am pushing you there in any way. Just wondering if for you, like me, perhaps this doesn’t have to be an either/or situation?
Take care, my dear, these decisions are such hard ones.
I definitely understand (as well as any other person can actually understand someone’s problems) what you are going through. The process is never easy. It is hellish. Please let me know if you have any questions about anything. You know where to find me. And good luck with whatever you decide.
Hmm, interesting comments - I know my age definitely played a part for me (and high fsh too). Being driven by fear is so much fun!
I had conflicting feelings after my m/c - my first thought “fuck, I have to do ivf again”, followed closely by “when can I cycle”.
And finally - when I met w/ RE for fresh #6, she asked about my plan B, which as you know, is another cycle - she kinda just shook her head. It’s all personal I think - whatever you can handle babe. Good luck w/ your reading and decisions.
well that’d be right, kids on sale in another dang country, Amanda honey baby sweetling could you put one on lay away for me please?
I too have been looking at my options and even went to an information evening on adoption, easier now for us we don’t qualify so it’s back to our ivf or bust stage (age of dh is over for most countries and i’m just nudging old apparently) it’s not an easy decision to make to get off this freaking ride, just know if at some stage you do want to get off, we’ll all be here we may be grey and doddery then but we’ll still be vac’ing up that babydust stuff.
There are lots of important and interesting issues here I’m skipping over because I’m in that kind of place right now. But did anyone else notice that EVERYONE was having a baby sale this week? I usually love to read the ads (pathetic, I know) but this week it was three in a row full of baby stuff. And babies, of course.
I just wanted to make a comment in favor of donor semen. I have a son from DIUI and while the idea was very difficult emotionally in the beginning, it isn’t even a concern now. He’s simply our son.
I was glad to not be given a choice. My husband makes no sperm whatsoever- dead or alive. IVF was not an option and I am thankful because we just don’t have the $. I might have felt I needed that biological connection if it had been remotely possible though.
Good luck in your future babymaking endeavors, whatever method you try. I admire your strength. It’ll all be worth it.
I feel the same way, except the decision for me to adopt was an easy one b/c when i went to the RE today to start the stuff for my FET I dreaded it. I guess I made the right one. After this cycle it’s moving on time.
Best wishes in finding a decision you’re comfortable with.
*hugs, hugs, and even more hugs*